I lost my best friend last Friday, He passed away from cancer. We were supposed to go out to the casino. He was late then I got the call from his wife that he had just passed. I just sat in my car at the stoplight for what seems forever and cried. He had been sick from treatments for some time. The last few weeks he seemed to get better and be in high spirits...asked me to go to the casino before he got ill again. Its hard to lose a friend, but your mom or dad. It's got to be hard on you. But with time, your thoughts will go to the good times and the smiles and the little things that mean nothing to anyone else, but meant the world to you. Hold on to the memories, they last forever and are with you all the time. I still feel sick when I think of him, but once in awhile a smile comes to my face also. Best of luck
Losing a parent
- Thread starter CH812
- Start date
I've never lost a parent...and only those friends who long ago passed out of my life have died...but I've heard people who seem to know what they're talking about say that the grief never goes away ... it becomes a part of you.slow hands said:Hold on to the memories, they last forever and are with you all the time.
I guess one must make a friend of it...
Man I know how you feel all too well. My mom passed away from pancreatic cancer last year, she was 3 days short of her 60th birthday. I can still visualize her disintegrating away to skin and bones. I can still visualize her not being able to swallow her medication. I can still visualize her eyes welling up with tears not wanting to leave us but knowing that it was just a matter of time. I can still visualize her losing control of her bodily functions. I can still visualize staring blankly at myself in the mirror wishing I could just do something, anything to destroy the cancer eating away at my mom's body. I can smell the metallic odour seeping through my mom's skin pores as a result of her medication (morphine). I can still hear the "death rattle" that began the day before she died. I can still visualize my mom's last breath, her eyes closed, her mouth open, her face turning pale white within minutes. I can still visualize my mom smiling, laughing, singing, dancing, working, cooking, yelling at my dad to pick up after himself. Yes the visualizations of those darkest days will be forever etched in my memory, but so will the good days. True its still as painful today as it was the day she died, but in time it will get better.CH812 said:Hi everyone lately my life has been stressed. My moms has been battling cancer for almost 2 years and its just about to take her life.
My whole life I must admit I've been a mama's boy and its almost like i dont know how to move on without my mom's support.
To everyone out there whos lost a parent who they were really close with, how did you deal with it? how did you find the strength to get over the loss?
The best advice I can give you is to try and keep as busy as possible (your life must go on), rely on family and friends to help get you through the hardship, remember all the good times you had with your mom, don't keep your feelings bottled up inside. Smoking a fat one and watching Harold and Kumar go to White Castle doesn't hurt either! God bless.
My father died when I was 4 years old, so I never experienced what it's like to lose a parent. My mother is still relative young (in her mid 50's), I cannot fathom what I would feel when she goes. Anyways, I lost my uncle in my arms, my favorite uncle, in 1998. I won't say how he died but it wasn't a natural death nor an accident. He was killed.
His fate happened at about 9:30am, he was still talking and moving albeit in a pool of blood. I took him to the hospital and left him there while I came back home to start calling relatives. I went with police to the scene of the crime in a secluded road. At around 12 noon I noticed this strong smell of blood that invaded the entire scene, it was unnatural. I went home and my family informed me that he had passed away "15 mins ago", that was around the time I smelled the odor. We went at 8:00pm to get his body from the hospital and after purchasing a casket we took him back home at around 12 midnight. As the funeral car passed exactly the spot where he was killed, the vehicle blew 2 tires. Had to help the funeral employee change the tire exactly on the spot where he was killed. Coincidence?
After that, some things ocurred that had never happened before in our house. Chairs upstairs being dragged and flickering lights when we talk about him. I had numerous dreams (or nightwares) of him talking to me and telling me that he was "stranded", he looked sad, in the dream I knew he was dead. Anyways, one night his mother dreamed with him and she says she saw him floating in mid-air with white doves sorrounding him, he said "Mother, I am going now, good-bye" and in a deafening flap of wings he went away... sorrounded by doves. Coincidentedly all "para-normal" stuff ended in our house. Very weird.
His fate happened at about 9:30am, he was still talking and moving albeit in a pool of blood. I took him to the hospital and left him there while I came back home to start calling relatives. I went with police to the scene of the crime in a secluded road. At around 12 noon I noticed this strong smell of blood that invaded the entire scene, it was unnatural. I went home and my family informed me that he had passed away "15 mins ago", that was around the time I smelled the odor. We went at 8:00pm to get his body from the hospital and after purchasing a casket we took him back home at around 12 midnight. As the funeral car passed exactly the spot where he was killed, the vehicle blew 2 tires. Had to help the funeral employee change the tire exactly on the spot where he was killed. Coincidence?
After that, some things ocurred that had never happened before in our house. Chairs upstairs being dragged and flickering lights when we talk about him. I had numerous dreams (or nightwares) of him talking to me and telling me that he was "stranded", he looked sad, in the dream I knew he was dead. Anyways, one night his mother dreamed with him and she says she saw him floating in mid-air with white doves sorrounding him, he said "Mother, I am going now, good-bye" and in a deafening flap of wings he went away... sorrounded by doves. Coincidentedly all "para-normal" stuff ended in our house. Very weird.
One of the hardest things I've ever been asked to do was eulogize at my Uncles Funeral. As fate would have it, my Mother passed away exactly 1 month later.
I couldn't think of what to say for my Uncle and how to say it.
He was that "uncle" in the family every kid loved. When we were all kids he had to have rug burns from playing on the carpet with us for hours. To all of his niece and nephews HE was the favorite, cause he played with us and clearly adored us.
I sat watching one of the last Tom Synder shows trying to figure out how to handle my portion of the funeral. That night one of Synders guests was a torch singer from the 50's...I can't recall her name..but she sang Bob Hopes theme.."Thanks for the memories". That became the focus of my eulogy.
Thank you, for everything we remember you gave us!
I told a few of my favorite stories and inivited people during the wake to share their own stories. While at times it was painful, we reconnected with our past. The Minister who presided quickly picked up on my theme and advised and suggested we follow that feeling. Celebrate the life, not the passing. No one can ever take a memory away from you.
At the wake, we laughed till it hurt and cried till there were no more tears. It was cleansing.
One month later I wrote another euology for my Mother, but I just could not stand up and say the words. The Minister read it for me, and did a wonderful job of capturing my emotions and intent.
For me it was the funeral home. I hated that place. I was fine outside the doors and fell apart inside. I guess it was the final chapter..and I could not bear it emotionally.
No one held it against me that I did not speak. In fact most were amazed I made it through to begin with. I'm an only child, and it was a long battle to the end I faced with my Dad..who I came to believe might persish as well under the strain. He's fine and amazes me every day with his vitality at 78 yr's old!
In the end, for my Mother I was the one who actually completely turned off the life support. She brought me into the world,and a stranger would not/could not be allowed to take her out as long as I was in the room.
The hospital staff was wonderful during that difficult last hour.
It's been 6 years this month. We're better, but not the same.
My Dad tends to the tree we planted in a park in her memory. We joke and talk about her, but she's always there. We tend her gardens at home just as she liked them. It's a connection for me and My Dad.
And, thats a good thing. I only hope that someday someone remembers me with the same fondness.
Time does dull the hurt, make it manageable, but the sense of loss just never goes away. Somedays I hear her voice..for no reason..right out of the blue.
Usually it's when I have an important emotional decision to make. It's odd...I think it's conditioning. Our parents raised us..and no matter how hard we try, we are products of our enviornmet. It's only natural the sound of their voice would come to mind when problems arise and you mull it over.
I just wish I could pull up that "Mom's voice" mental MP3 whenever I wanted to. Rather than it be fleeting and appearing without prior notice. I miss her so much.
The closet thing I've read that puts it all in perspective is "Tuesdays with Morrie"
My Father and I have become indredibly close since my Moms first illness some 15 years ago. I simply cannot fathom how I'll be able to continue without his voice at the end of the phone. His wisdom and knowldege...along with his life expierience have taught me so much. How I will go on without him is a constant thought. He's stayed by my side and supported me thru so much. To not have him here... I just cannot imagine it right now. IO know it will destroy me for quite a while.
Another poster talked about this same thing.
OK...well I gotta go get more kleenex..lol. and start thinking about more positive subjects!
Best to you all.
M2
I couldn't think of what to say for my Uncle and how to say it.
He was that "uncle" in the family every kid loved. When we were all kids he had to have rug burns from playing on the carpet with us for hours. To all of his niece and nephews HE was the favorite, cause he played with us and clearly adored us.
I sat watching one of the last Tom Synder shows trying to figure out how to handle my portion of the funeral. That night one of Synders guests was a torch singer from the 50's...I can't recall her name..but she sang Bob Hopes theme.."Thanks for the memories". That became the focus of my eulogy.
Thank you, for everything we remember you gave us!
I told a few of my favorite stories and inivited people during the wake to share their own stories. While at times it was painful, we reconnected with our past. The Minister who presided quickly picked up on my theme and advised and suggested we follow that feeling. Celebrate the life, not the passing. No one can ever take a memory away from you.
At the wake, we laughed till it hurt and cried till there were no more tears. It was cleansing.
One month later I wrote another euology for my Mother, but I just could not stand up and say the words. The Minister read it for me, and did a wonderful job of capturing my emotions and intent.
For me it was the funeral home. I hated that place. I was fine outside the doors and fell apart inside. I guess it was the final chapter..and I could not bear it emotionally.
No one held it against me that I did not speak. In fact most were amazed I made it through to begin with. I'm an only child, and it was a long battle to the end I faced with my Dad..who I came to believe might persish as well under the strain. He's fine and amazes me every day with his vitality at 78 yr's old!
In the end, for my Mother I was the one who actually completely turned off the life support. She brought me into the world,and a stranger would not/could not be allowed to take her out as long as I was in the room.
The hospital staff was wonderful during that difficult last hour.
It's been 6 years this month. We're better, but not the same.
My Dad tends to the tree we planted in a park in her memory. We joke and talk about her, but she's always there. We tend her gardens at home just as she liked them. It's a connection for me and My Dad.
And, thats a good thing. I only hope that someday someone remembers me with the same fondness.
Time does dull the hurt, make it manageable, but the sense of loss just never goes away. Somedays I hear her voice..for no reason..right out of the blue.
Usually it's when I have an important emotional decision to make. It's odd...I think it's conditioning. Our parents raised us..and no matter how hard we try, we are products of our enviornmet. It's only natural the sound of their voice would come to mind when problems arise and you mull it over.
I just wish I could pull up that "Mom's voice" mental MP3 whenever I wanted to. Rather than it be fleeting and appearing without prior notice. I miss her so much.
The closet thing I've read that puts it all in perspective is "Tuesdays with Morrie"
My Father and I have become indredibly close since my Moms first illness some 15 years ago. I simply cannot fathom how I'll be able to continue without his voice at the end of the phone. His wisdom and knowldege...along with his life expierience have taught me so much. How I will go on without him is a constant thought. He's stayed by my side and supported me thru so much. To not have him here... I just cannot imagine it right now. IO know it will destroy me for quite a while.
Another poster talked about this same thing.
OK...well I gotta go get more kleenex..lol. and start thinking about more positive subjects!
Best to you all.
M2
Thanks to everyone for all the advice and words of encouragement. I really did not expect such a heavy response from so many people who have gone through what I'm going through and those who have shared their experiences believe me it really does help.
I know that life has to go on.....but this is the really wierd thing and i know maybe i should be telling this to a shrink but here goes.....its almost like i feel i dont want to move on from this because i would feel guilty for not grieving my moms....I know its ridiculous but its how i feel....
Eventually life will move on and even though it will never be the same from somewhere deep within me I will have to continue with my own life because afterall thats what my mom would want.
I know that life has to go on.....but this is the really wierd thing and i know maybe i should be telling this to a shrink but here goes.....its almost like i feel i dont want to move on from this because i would feel guilty for not grieving my moms....I know its ridiculous but its how i feel....
Eventually life will move on and even though it will never be the same from somewhere deep within me I will have to continue with my own life because afterall thats what my mom would want.
When your mother (or anyone close) dies you don't feel like grieving at the moment and think that the worst has passed for you..... but wait for a few days when you are alone and then it's going to hit like a ton of bricks, I'll say in 2 weeks' time.CH812 said:its almost like i feel i dont want to move on from this because i would feel guilty for not grieving my moms....I know its ridiculous but its how i feel....
Each of us grieves in our own way, in a manner that was instilled in us likely by the people we are grieving for. There is no right or wrong way, just your way. As you can tell, there is a wonderful community here who apparently have much deeper waters than an outsider might expect. Do what you must, and rest assured that those who care for you will protect you during that time.
CH812 said:Thanks to everyone for all the advice and words of encouragement. I really did not expect such a heavy response from so many people who have gone through what I'm going through and those who have shared their experiences believe me it really does help.
I know that life has to go on.....but this is the really wierd thing and i know maybe i should be telling this to a shrink but here goes ...
Eventually life will move on and even though it will never be the same from somewhere deep within me I will have to continue with my own life because afterall thats what my mom would want.
The only thing I can say is that I have been going threw simular problems watching my mother going down hill for the last Fifteen years and it does eat you on the inside watching a loved one going down for the count. You feel helpless in many ways. Emotional Stress in dealing with these problems is unreal, the smallest thing can cause a reaction in your emotion ( short tempered with others) to hide your own true feelings. My mother has MS and is now in a nursing home for the last four years. The stress in seeing a loved one suffer threw these things dose take its toll on you.
As for seeing a shrink talk to your doctor and he/she will guide you in the right direction to get the councling to help you deal with this.
Goldfinger
Everyone grief differently and in different timeframe. No timetable. At 1st, it feels like your life is at stand still with the emptiness. Continue your life when you're ready on your own terms. No set time to grieve.CH812 said:...
I know that life has to go on.....but this is the really wierd thing and i know maybe i should be telling this to a shrink but here goes.....its almost like i feel i dont want to move on from this because i would feel guilty for not grieving my moms....I know its ridiculous but its how i feel....
Eventually life will move on and even though it will never be the same from somewhere deep within me I will have to continue with my own life because afterall thats what my mom would want.
There is Grief & Bereavement couselling hotline if you like to talk to someone, I lost the number but they often have ads in community paper or Yellow pages.
You're not expected to do anything. No should judge you. 1 day at a time, my friend. Take your time. It's ok to miss her.
Very true.Kommander1975 said:When your mother (or anyone close) dies you don't feel like grieving at the moment and think that the worst has passed for you..... but wait for a few days when you are alone and then it's going to hit like a ton of bricks, I'll say in 2 weeks' time.
Once all the hoopla has died down, there's just you and your toughts.
The silence is deafening.
Very sorry to hear about your mom.
My mother was killed in a car accident the day before xmas about 10 years ago. I remember having a friend drive me to the office and being dismayed by all the people driving to work and going about their lives while mine had strangely stopped.
It's true after the all the immediate activity around the funeral (relatives coming into town, funeral arrangements etc.) dies down it's necessary to give yourself time to reflect and grieve on your own.
Afterwards I found comfort in taking up some of my mom's social causes and still make an effort to make sure that family members only she used to keep in touch with aren't forgotten.
My mother was killed in a car accident the day before xmas about 10 years ago. I remember having a friend drive me to the office and being dismayed by all the people driving to work and going about their lives while mine had strangely stopped.
It's true after the all the immediate activity around the funeral (relatives coming into town, funeral arrangements etc.) dies down it's necessary to give yourself time to reflect and grieve on your own.
Afterwards I found comfort in taking up some of my mom's social causes and still make an effort to make sure that family members only she used to keep in touch with aren't forgotten.
I must say that this is a great thread. Sure its depressing and all but in some strange way you can find solace in that there are other people who have/are going through the same thing as you. My sincerest condolences to the poster whose mom has been dying a slow death with MS. That disease is so horrific along with ALS(Lou Gehrig's) and Alzheimers because its so slow moving in many cases.
CH,
Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it grief counselling,psychologist whatever. They are trained to help.
CH,
Don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it grief counselling,psychologist whatever. They are trained to help.
I'm particularly impressed with how people have taken this thread seriously, its a nice change from the usual bickering.
Did anybody find any books, movies, support groups, websties or other resources particularly heplful. I thankfully don't need it right now but perhaps it might be useful for those in that situation.
Did anybody find any books, movies, support groups, websties or other resources particularly heplful. I thankfully don't need it right now but perhaps it might be useful for those in that situation.
ya..it is nice to see men openly expressing loss and the feelings that come with it. Despite the hoopla...we are giving and caring individulas.
In this world, a mans feelings are often not to be shown in public.
The anonimity of a forum using nicknames allows people to show some real emotion every once in a while.
Yes the bickering will start again soon, but it's refreshing to see the support thrown into this thread to help another "brother" get through a very difficult time in his life. A time a lot of us have sadly been through and can empathize more than anyone else knows.
No doubt some of the opinions and feelings/memories spoken in this thread have ever been told to those closest to the writers.
M2
In this world, a mans feelings are often not to be shown in public.
The anonimity of a forum using nicknames allows people to show some real emotion every once in a while.
Yes the bickering will start again soon, but it's refreshing to see the support thrown into this thread to help another "brother" get through a very difficult time in his life. A time a lot of us have sadly been through and can empathize more than anyone else knows.
No doubt some of the opinions and feelings/memories spoken in this thread have ever been told to those closest to the writers.
M2
Eulogy
The theme was always, walking down memory lane. Celebrate the person's life. We cried and we laughed, like an Irish wake.
Used to think it was disrepectful to laugh at funerals but I hope at my funeral when time comes, people would share smiles and laughter of the times we had...
Unfortunately, did several Eulogies. Each time started out composed but the sight of emotional relatives or thinking of the times we had, I start to lose it. No one was upset of my botch delivery.MarkII said:One of the hardest things I've ever been asked to do was eulogize at my Uncles Funeral
....
I couldn't think of what to say for my Uncle and how to say it.
...
That night one of Synders guests was a torch singer from the 50's...I can't recall her name..but she sang Bob Hopes theme.."Thanks for the memories". That became the focus of my eulogy.
Thank you, for everything we remember you gave us!
I told a few of my favorite stories and inivited people during the wake to share their own stories. While at times it was painful, we reconnected with our past. The Minister who presided quickly picked up on my theme and advised and suggested we follow that feeling. Celebrate the life, not the passing. No one can ever take a memory away from you.
At the wake, we laughed till it hurt and cried till there were no more tears. It was cleansing.
One month later I wrote another euology for my Mother, but I just could not stand up and say the words. The Minister read it for me, and did a wonderful job of capturing my emotions and intent.
...
No one held it against me that I did not speak
....
The theme was always, walking down memory lane. Celebrate the person's life. We cried and we laughed, like an Irish wake.
Used to think it was disrepectful to laugh at funerals but I hope at my funeral when time comes, people would share smiles and laughter of the times we had...
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I want to thank everyone once again for their kind words... Unfortunately I lost my mother at about 2:15am this morning. She went peacefully and without pain.
As for me, I dont think the pain has set in yet I still feel in a state of shock. The nurse warned me it would hit me in about 2 weeks and thats when i should seek someone professional to talk to..... All i can do from this moment is continue my life the way my mom wanted and to never forget the memories we shared....
As for me, I dont think the pain has set in yet I still feel in a state of shock. The nurse warned me it would hit me in about 2 weeks and thats when i should seek someone professional to talk to..... All i can do from this moment is continue my life the way my mom wanted and to never forget the memories we shared....
G
Gord's Bro
I'm so sorry for your loss. As you've found by opening this thread, there are many people in this community you can share your feelings with. Greive as YOU need to grieve; cry as YOU need to cry. You are not alone.CH812 said:I want to thank everyone once again for their kind words... Unfortunately I lost my mother at about 2:15am this morning. She went peacefully and without pain.
Gord's Bro
CH812...you have a few difficult days ahead of you. Solitude sometimes helps, but don't be a stranger to those around you. There is strength in a common bond. Get lots of human contact. There truly is nothing better than a hug.CH812 said:I want to thank everyone once again for their kind words... Unfortunately I lost my mother at about 2:15am this morning. She went peacefully and without pain.
As for me, I dont think the pain has set in yet I still feel in a state of shock. The nurse warned me it would hit me in about 2 weeks and thats when i should seek someone professional to talk to..... All i can do from this moment is continue my life the way my mom wanted and to never forget the memories we shared....
My thoughts are with you.
