Looking for advice on how to stop seeing esorts

[Ceiling Cat]

Commit your money to an investment like a revenue property. That should keep you and your money busy.

 

[labiworsh]

I realize asking for advice on how to stop visiting escorts on TERB is the ultimate irony, but here goes.

It's probably not a bad idea at all. Where else are you going to find such a large community of people who engage in this activity?

I have been visiting escorts once or twice a month on average for the past 13 years. It's cost me
tens of thousands of dollars in that time. My health appears to be totally fine, but there's always
the possibility of contracting something, as we all know.

People spend that kind of money on all sorts of hobbies that are far more dangerous.

I have been trying to stop the hobby almost since day 1. I will tell myself 'this is the last time I'm
going to do this' but it never is. The reason, if I'm being honest, is that I love everything about it.
I love searching for beautiful women on TERB, reading the reviews, the anticipation of seeing the
lady and the session itself. The reality that sex with a beautiful woman is a mere few texts away
is incredibly hard to resist.

Here's something I'm not understanding from what you've written: Why have you been trying to stop?

When you consider that question, don't use your intellect to answer, but instead connect with the feelings that come up. Look for images, memories, gut reactions. What gets triggered when you ask yourself that? No need to answer me, BTW, nor even answer that publicly. The question and answer are personal.

If you feel a strong unpleasant feeling come up; go there; feel that.

So, how do I stop this? Are there sex therapists in Toronto that people would recommend?
Should I try replacing the behaviour with some other productive hobby? Any advice would be
greatly appreciated.

The first thing is to understand why you feel you need to stop. Without much to go on, there's two possibilities I can see.

1. Toxic Shame::
This has been formed from judgments that have been imposed on you. You believe you're supposed to feel ashamed, and you're not supposed to be doing this. Here's some snippets of what you've written that jumped out for me:

• need a "productive hobby" (you do? who says?)
• "... we all know" [this is bad/dangerous] (we do?)
• "the money would be much better spent on ..." (says who?)
• "I'd like to be satisfied with one single partner ..." (why?)
• "... I should stop" (because ...?)

These are not fundamental truths. Are you certain that they are your truths? Perhaps they actually belong to someone else?

OR (perhaps and')

2. Addiction: This is causing some or all of the following problems in your life:

• Doing it more than you want to
• Unsuccessful efforts to reduce or stop
• Financial problems
• Abnormal amount of time spent on it
• Causing problems in home, work or personal life
• Giving up other events for this (missing appointments, dates, etc)
• Mental health problems
• Developed tolerance (not getting as much pleasure - needing more and more for the same effect)
• Withdrawal when attempting to end it

One of the challenges of sex (and for that matter food) addictions is that desiring both is normal. So, quitting completely is not necessarily a solution. Also, swapping out one addiction for another (porn and masturbation, as has been suggested) is not something I expect any experienced therapist would recommend.

Here's my opinion on possibility #1, and possibility #2

1. If this is mostly Toxic Shame: Our society judges the sex industry very cruelly. We're told that we should be ashamed of this sort of activity. It is 'wrong'. Nobody can really define what is right and wrong for you, but if you enjoy it, and you aren't harming anyone, how is this any worse than golf, or model trains, or drinking beer and watching hockey games? Over a 13 year span, 'tens of thousands of dollars' isn't actually much. So, the question I would ask you is: If you were to let go of any external, imposed shame, is this still wrong? Being discrete about this hobby is not a sign there's something wrong (other than perhaps there's something wrong with a society that creates such damaging shame around a normal human desire).

2. This is an Addiction: This is a much more tricky thing, so please take all advice with a grain of salt. The current evidence about addiction is that it's not some external thing; it's a response to emotional trauma. Sort out the emotional stuff, and the addiction cures itself. Check out the work of Gabor Maté on addiction for a more intelligent explanation than I've given here.

If this is harming your life, and you can't control it, and you're ready to start the healing process, then don't bother with trying to do things differently: It won't work. Instead, get ready to begin the tough emotional work of healing the trauma that is at the root of addiction.

If, on the other hand, this is not harming your life (or anyone else's), then ask yourself if you're just carrying somebody else's shame, and decide whether you need it anymore, and enjoy this hobby that provides you with so much pleasure.

I would look for a therapist who specializes in healing shame (they'll know all about addiction, too, you can be sure), and who does not carry the shame of our society around sexual desires. Don't necessarily focus on finding a "sex" therapist, is my personal advice, but rather on finding a therapist who can help you discover your own healthy truths.