jokes anyone?

L

luv4lust

The Queen of BBBJ
Aug 16, 2003
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One morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.
 
Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."
He did not understand her remark but later on, he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
 
The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed.
The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".
 
Nice Luv!

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark.

A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.

Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."
 
A young man gets a job out in the far north at a logging camp out in the bush. 6 months on, 6 months off, because the nearest town is hundreds of miles away (as is the nearest female companionship).

Well, after 2 weeks the young man is really worked up, so he goes to his foreman and asks for a leave so he can go to town. The foreman replies that this is impossible, he cannot go. The young man is adamant, and after being questioned, admits he just wants to get laid.

The foreman says "Is that all? Why, we've got a solution for that right here in the camp... See that barrel over there with the hole in the side? When it gets too much for you, just go and use the hole."

The young man was sceptical, but after a couple of more days, he can't take it any more, and off he goes to the barrel. To his surprise, it is fantastic!

A couple of weeks later the foreman asks the young man how the barrel is working out.

"That barrel is great! I've been using it twice a day for the last 2 weeks, and all my urges are being taken care of!"

To which the foreman replies "I'm so happy you were able to make use of it! Because now it's your turn in the barrel!"
 
Another one...

A young man of 18, having never had sex with a woman before, finally gathers his nerve and goes to the local brothel, the only one around for miles and miles.

He walks in, nervously, and speaks with the Madam. "Ma'am, I've never had sex with a woman, so I'm here to change that."

To which the Madam replies "My boy, unfortunately we can't help you here. We only take experienced customers."

"But how am I supposed to get the experience?" cries out the boy.

Taking pity on him, the Madam offers a solution for the experience. She instructs him to go out in the woods, find a tree with a suitable knot hole, and have sex with that. She'd be willing to accept that as his "experience".

The next day, the young man returns, telling the Madam he took her advice.

"Well, off you go then, room #9, top of the stairs to the left..." and off he goes.

A few minutes later, the madam hears a blood-curdling shriek from upstairs. She runs up, and sure enough it is coming from room #9. She bursts through the door with the bouncer, to find the young man violently poking a broom stick into the young lady.

"What are you doing??!??"

"I'm making sure there's no bees in this one!!"
 
My nephew was born without eyelids. When he was circumcised, they used his foreskin to make him some. When the doctor was asked if there would be any side-effects, he dead-panned "He'll be cock-eyed for the rest of his life."
 
2 quick ones
Q) What is the difference between and old Harley and a vacuum cleaner?
A) Where the dirtbag sits.

Q) What do you get when you cross a Hells Angel with a Jahovas Witness?
A) Someone who comes to your door and tells you to Fuck Off:p
 
A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"
The wife sits and thinks about it.
Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
 
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?
 
Two guys are on a week long hunting trip in the woods. They have an argument and decided that the best solution is to spend a few days apart and cool off.

After a few days apart they meet up again. The one asked the other, “So how was the hunting?”
“Well, I didn’t really do much hunting. I found this young girl down by the railroad tracks and I was having non-stop sex the whole time. Man, it was great. We did it in every position possible.”

“Well good for you. So tell me, did she suck your dick?”

“She would have, but I couldn’t find her head.”
 
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