Joke of the day...

[Porto Lover]

Hi there, wanted to share this one that i received from a friend this morning...

Have a nice day...



A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Bob, Tom and Judy. They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Judy felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing. She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the inevitable happened.
Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So............ They finally decided to bury Judy !!!

 

[600rr]

Good one porto!! A little sick in mindset, but still funny

 

[Porto Lover]

Ya... Just a joke...

 

[Porto Lover]

This one is very accurate with the politic we are plung into it by these days...

Retirement Dinner



A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

'I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.'...

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

'I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,' said the politician. 'In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.'


Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!

 

[Scott706]

One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.
"Oh, that," Frank said. "Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad.

"But what about the 10,000 dollars?"

"Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."

 

[stevieray]

The Elevator

An Amish boy & his father were at the mall for the first time, and were amazed by what they saw. They were particularly enthralled by the two shiney, silver walls that opened and closed. "What is that father?" the boy asked. The father, never having seen an elevator before, replied: "I don`t know son. I have never seen such a thing before." While they were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair approached the `shiney walls`, and pushed a button. Like magic, the walls opened, and the lady dissapeared into a tiny room, the walls closing behind her. They then watched as the numbers above the walls lit up sequentially, until it stopped. Then watched as the numbers lit up again in reverse. Suddenly, the walls opened up again, but this time a beautiful young blonde emerged from the small room. The father then said quietly to his son, "Son, go get your mother...."

 

[Scott706]

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

 

[stevieray]

How to save the airlines

Dump male flight attendents. Who wanted them anyway!?

Replace female attendents with hot looking strippers! Hey, what the hell, they don`t even serve meals anymore, so what`s the loss?

The strippers would easily tripple alcohol sales and create a `party atmosphere`. Every businessman would start flying again, boosting ticket sales.

 

[GlavaMan]

My grandmother died in the 90's but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce.

The long walks we used to take to the country store in Ingersoll Ont.,

the pocket money she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the car.

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13.

We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.

She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.

'And always remember this' she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.'

'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.

She answered in her lovely soft voice. 'Makes your dick look bigger.'

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

 

[stevieray]

Never lie to a woman....

The husband calls his wife and tells her, "Honey, I`m going fishing up north for a week with the boss and some of his friends. It`ll be a good chance to work on that promotion I`ve been trying to get. So could you please pack my bags, and set out my rod and tackle box? I`ll be leaving straight from work, I`ll swing by the house and pick it up. Oh, and could you also include my new blue silk pajamas? Thanks hon."

The wife thinks this sounds abit fishy, but she dutifully does as she`s told.
The following weekend, he returns home, a little tired, but otherwise looking good. His wife welcomes him home, and asks if he caught anything. "Oh yeah, we caught a few bass and muskie, but why didn`t you pack my silk pajamas like I asked?"

She replied, "I did. They were in your tackle box......"

 

[Scott706]

Sex Therapy - Florida Style

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare...!

 

[stevieray]

The Wedding Night...

Wally, an 85 year old, has just married his young, 25 year old wife. His new bride, somewhat fearful that her octogenerian husband may overexert himself with the wedding night `festivities`, arranges for them to sleep in separate rooms.

With the reception over, they both retire to their separate rooms. Sure enough, the knock on her door comes. There`s Wally, ready for action. Afterward, he kisses her, and bids her a found goodnight. As she`s preparing for sleep, there`s another knock on the door. She answers, and there`s Wally again. They have wild, passionate sex for a second time. Again, he bids her goodnight. Now totally exhausted, she again prepares for bed. But there`s yet another knock on the door. They have passionate sex for a third time. She says to Wally, "I`ve been with guys a third your age, and none of them could have sex like that three times in a row!" Wally replies, "What? Was I here before?"

Moral: Hey, sometimes `senior moments` have their advantages....!!

 

[Porto Lover]

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, 'What are you doing? She answers, 'I'm moving to New York. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free. A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he is going, he replies, I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.

 

[Hornee]

Golf

Two old retired guys are golfing down the 6th fairway one day.
The one oldtmer says" I am going to see Dr Adams tomorrow to get a new set of dentures."
His buddy replies, " I saw Dr. Adams 2 years ago and got a new set of Dentures."
The first guy says " Oh really, How is he? Is he a nice guy? Is he a good doctor? How was his work? How are your teeth?"
The second guy answers " Well, I was golfing down this 6th fairway yesterday and a guy was coming down the ninth fairway and he sliced the ball so bad it came right over into my fairway and hit right in the nuts. God it hurt. put me right to my knees."
The first guy says " What in the Hell does that have to do with Dr Adams and a new set of dentures?"

" Oh, first time in 2 years my teeth have not Fucking hurt!!"

 

[Porto Lover]

Q & A's from Health Canada

Q: The Stanley Cup was recently on tour in my town, and I kissed it. Do I have to worry about being infected by listeria?




A: You are safe. The Stanley Cup has not been in contact with any Maple Leaf product in over 40 years.

 

[Scott706]

Jock vs. Nerd

A little bit dated (and US centric) the the principle holds:

$ Michael Jordan having "retired," with $40 million in endorsements, makes $178,100 a day, working or not.

$ If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

$ If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

$ If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

$ He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

$ He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

$ If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

$ If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

$ He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

$ Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax deferred account (401k), his contributions will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.

$ If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

$ He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics, and about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon.

$ While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.

$ This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it? However...

$ If Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 450 years, he'll still have less than Bill Gates has today.

$$$ Game over. Nerd wins.

 

[Horny B]

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

 

[rep_pot]

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy and smashed all three walnuts with three mightyswings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded sign for the same circus and the same sign 'Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman'. He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated.

This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

'You're incredible!' he told the Scotsman. 'But I have to know something. You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?

''Well laddie,' said the Scot, 'Ma eyes are no whit they used tae be.'

 

[xcman]

Three buddies are about to tee off when the marshall asks if a single can join them to round out a foursome. They agree, seeing that the fourth is a super hot, early 20's swimsuit model. Notwithstanding the fine view, the buddies are regretting their decision halfway down the 1st fairway. It turns out that the swimsuit model has only recently taken up golf and is destined to take the scenic route around the course.

The buddies offer their golfing expertise throughout the afternoon and the model proves to be a quick learner. Teeing off on the 18th, she's sitting at 95 with an outside chance to break 100 on a nasty par 4. However, she sprays her drive to the right, finds the fairway again on her 2nd, flubs a wedge on her 3rd and has a downhill, rolling 30 footer for par. Recognizing that this may be a once in a lifetime shot, she offers a night of uninhibited, passionate sex to the guy who can successfully help her card a 99. The first guy eyes up the putt advising her of a sharp break to the right and the need for a very light touch on the downhill putt. The second guy disagrees - the break to the right is offset by an early, slow break to the left and the greens are very slow today meaning that the downhill putt is of little relevance. The model is confused and frustrated so she now turns to the 3rd guy.

He eyes the putt, crouches down, lines up his putter, walks around the ball, clears a small leaf out of the way and then ........

...... picks up the ball, tosses it to his new friend and says "That's a gimme".

 

[OnTheWayOut]

Great sex

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

Because, she replied, "I miss mine."