Joke of the Day

[Scott706]

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Your husband said so."

Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Your husband did."

Wife: "Oh"

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."


SHE GOT THE RAISE!

 

[Porto Lover]

This is not a joke, it's realy happened !!!

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.


GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

 

[rep_pot]

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but hereis one: Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small treebegins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a sonof a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on thesapling. The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that isa son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree, replies, 'It is neither ason of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'

 

[Scott706]

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze poison." The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and drinks it down.

The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please." The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork." The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over -- the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere.

There's blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled, and screams, "What are you doing???"

The New Yorker looks at the chief and says, "So much for your canoe, asshole!"

 

[Scott706]

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.

"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"

 

[Bill the Pirate]

A indian boy goes up to his father the chief and asks him.

Dad, is it true that you named all of your children based on what you saw right after the babies were born?

Chief replys, yes it's true, your brother Running Bear was born during the fall hunt and your sister Fawn was born in the spring. Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking?

 

[stevieray]

One for the `Here`s your sign` catagory.....

A man boards a plane with 6 kids. A woman sitting across the aisle asks him "Are all those children yours?" He replies, "Nope. I work for a condom company, and these are the customer complaints."

 

[stevieray]

5 rules for men to live by....

1. It`s important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, and has a good job.

2. It`s important to have a woman who can laugh.

3. It`s important to have a woman, whom you can trust, and doesn`t lie.

4. It`s important to have a woman, who`s good in bed and wants to be in it with you.

5. And very, very, important, that these four women don`t know each other...

 

[stevieray]

body builder and the dumb blond....

The hulking body builder takes off his shirt, and the dumb blond says, "ooooo, what nice abs you have!" He replies, "That`s 100lbs of dynomite, baby!" Next, he removes his pants, and she says, "oooo, what nice calves you have!" He replies, "That`s 100lbs of dynomite, baby!" Finially, he removes his shorts, and suddenly, she runs out of the appartment, screaming. He throws his clothes back on and runs after her. Catching up to her he asks, "Hey, what`s wrong babe?" She replies, "Well, being near all those exposives, I had to get out of there when I saw how short the fuse was...."

 

[citizenottawa]

Bank Robbery

There is a bank robbery going on. A security gaurd jumps one of the robbers. In the struggle the robbers mask comes off. The thief manages to get his gun free and shoots the gaurd. He quickley grabs his mask from the floor and puts it back on. He walks up to the first customer and says, "did you see my face?" The customer answers "yes." The thief shoots him dead. He approaches a second man and says, "did you see my face?" The man responds, "please don't shoot me but I want to be honest I did see your face but I'll tell nobody." The thief says, "too bad" and shoots him dead. The thief approaches a third customer and says, "did you see my face?" The man says, "No, but my wife did!"

 

[alexxxis]

THE PENIS PROMOTION

The Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

Has to work hard
Has to work at great depths
Has to work upside down
Has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work
Has to work in a high humidity environment
Has to work at high temperatures
Does not get weekends and holidays off
Does not get time off after extra hours of work
Has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness

Request denied for the following reasons:

Does not work 8 hours in a row
Does not answer immediately to all requests
After a short activity period, falls asleep at work
Shows no fidelity to the workplace
Retires too early
Does not work at all unless pushed from behind
Does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work
Sometimes leaves work, too early

 

[GlavaMan]

In The Beautiful South Pacific, on a group of beautiful deserted tropical islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman


One month later on these same absolutely, stunningly beautiful desert (and deserted) islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:


One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.


The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.


The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.


The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.


The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.



The 2 Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.


The 2 Irish men divided the Island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture, because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they are satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

 

[stevieray]

A husband & wife are shopping at the local Wal-Mart. Husband picks up a case of Bud, (must`ve been an American joke. Ahhhh, beer at Wal-Mart...), and puts it in the cart. The wife asks, "What are you doing?" Husband replies, "They`re on sale, 24 cans for $10. (Yep, definately American...!!!) "Put them back. We can`t affort that!" she replies. He does as he`s told. Down another aisle, the wife places a jar of $20 face cream in the cart. "What do think you`re doing?" asks the husband. "It`s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful." she replies. The husband retorts, "Ya, well so does 24 cans of Bud, for half the price....."

 

[thirdcup]

A judge calls both lawyers into his chambers, and says "The reason I called you here is because both of you sent me a bribe."
The two lawyers squirm in their seats.
The judge says you Alan have given me $15,000.
Phil, you gave me $10,000.
The judge then gives Alan a cheque for $5,000, and says now you are even. I will decide this case based only on its merits.

 

[randall_stevens]

How are women's breasts like electric train sets?

They're originally intended for the kids, but pop usually winds up playing with them!!!!

 

[stevieray]

I found this on Facebook today...The devil enters a church, and everyone runs for their lives except this one old man. The Devil walks up to him and asks, "Are you not afraid of me?" The old man replies, "Nope. I`m married to your sister!"