I've fcxed up / crossed the line.....

[massman]

One of the things about the hobby that has always appealed to me, it the short term non committal nature of it. As someone with a "committed" relationship, that in many ways is unsatisfying, but that for various reasons I cannot / dont want to terminate, having an outlet for some of my desires in a no strings fashion is welcome. However recently, I've messed up in a big way. There's a woman who I know through work (who happens to be gorgeous as well), who lives far away, but over the years at various meetings I've come to know well. We'd become actually very close friends, with many interests and idea in common. Over the years we'd flirted a lot, but with her and I both attached, it never went further. Recently, after almost a year of not seeing one another, we met up again. There was definitely something different this time, it was unreal. Like we were totally in sync, we spent so much time together in and out of work, all innocently at first. We went out (business wise) several times, and got deeper and deeper into conversation. The final night, we partied it up a bit, (though didn't get drunk) and ended up at my hotel room. Years of anticipation and feelings flooded out and we spent the night together. It was the most passionate night I can recall, and by the strictest definition no sex occurred (tho lots otherwise). THe next day we had to go our separate ways home. We live like a 4 hr plane ride apart.

I feel so messed up I cant believe it. We are sharing passionate emails, but I feel that it is taking a toll on her as well, as she too has a "real life to live". the reality is that this is impossible. However I have not felt like this is years, (possibly never) and I dont want to let it go. I've been in a relationship that for many years that is in many ways nice (nice kids great mom, good partner) but in so many others deeply unsatisfying. The problem is I now have felt what it is like to really be into someone - so deeply - that I don't want to go back. I know that to move forward with this special relationship would devastate several people, and be brutal in many ways. But the selfish part of me, that has "settled" for soooooo long, now has "seen the light" and I dont know if I can continue in my "real life" situation. I don't know what to do , and feel at once exhillarated and lost at the same time. I can't believe what I am contemplating, and really am lost as to what to do. Have any of you been through this? I am not at all an "idealistic" "romantic" person. I'm not one to fall head over heels for anyone. But this has happened, I am worried I may be passing up a person that is truly "meant" for me (as stupid and sappy as that sounds)
Any similar experiences? How did things turn out?

 

[kindersuprize]

dont fuck up, they come and go if u know what i mean. Keep seeing her if u want to, but understand where ur foundation is!!!!!

 

[Ref]

Perhaps you should print your thread out and bring it to your psychologist.

TERB is a board based on guys who have made a decision to fuck around on their significant others...Are you looking for reinforcement or encouragement on your current predicament?

The odds are not favourable for a biased discussion.

Mind you, I posted a thread about carrying a hand gun on a Texas discussion board and they said I should not.

 

[civilcommon]

I don't have similar experiences. But I hope my thoughts would help a bit.
First of all, although it's emotionally taxing, I do think it's a gift to experience something so intense. I myself was frustrated and puzzled at a time when I felt I just can't have strong lasting feelings toward any female, however attractive they are. However the future turns out to be, isn't it great to discover someone have a higher connection with you and confirm that the feeling is mutual?

Practically, the problem is whether to pursue something radical but (would be great), or stick with the familiar and just nice.

If I were you, I would first ask myself: the former really a "great" thing? Be true to yourself. Did all the feelings come from the thrill of a combination of a). doing something that has been inhibited for years and b). stepping outside what you would normally do (being naughty), or is it just the pleasure of discovery, or something else.

Oneway I can think of to find out, is try to let it cool down for a while. A month, two months, a quarter... If the mutual feeling is true, it won't fade with time. After your feeling is confirmed, and after the mutuality of the feeling is confirmed, you can go to the next step. One thing I would pay attention is DON'T TRY TO BE A TRAGIC HERO. Make sure the other side feels the same as you do before you make any sacrifice. Telling a girl how much you have given up to be with her might move them in a movie, but in real life, I don't think it works well. Even if you can guilt a girl into it, do you want a relationship based on guilt?

Anyways, next is to work out the logistics. Do you need to change your job (or hers), move, and such. How are you going to deal with that? Not only it's a good planning practice, and if you do make a decision, you need to do it anyways. The process would also pull you from the beautiful fantasy to the boring details. Again, if your feeling is strong enough, all these will NOT deter you. By doing this, you have another chance to confirm whether your feeling worth the radical move.

What's next, I don't know. If you see something beautiful, and know it's real, get it. But it's important is to confirm it's not a mere mirage.

 

[massman]

Perhaps you should print your thread out and bring it to your psychologist.

TERB is a board based on guys who have made a decision to fuck around on their significant others...Are you looking for reinforcement or encouragement on your current predicament?

The odds are not favourable for a biased discussion.

Mind you, I posted a thread about carrying a hand gun on a Texas discussion board and they said I should not.

Neither reinforcement nor encouragement nor discouragement. I dont know what I'm looking for. I long ago made a decision to fuck arond on the SO to survive. I've fucked up in that I found a bit more than I bargained for. Because I started to pursue comone outside the hobby, and succeded. I'm like the dog that caught the car. And its 'done me head in" as my limey buddies would say.

Agree that the intense feelings are fading, and I knew they would. They have left an even more profound dissatisfaction with my real life situation tho. Knowing there are things I could have, that I currently do not. Maybe I post this as a warning to others. To keep the line where it belongs. It is interesting, that the experiences I've had over the years with SPs, has made me much more relaxed and comfortable socializing, flirting with civillian women. Its an unexpected effect, that experience with SPs can make yo umore attractive to women, but I do notice that is what has happened to some extent, and it is dangerous. and that this current situation has completely caught me off guard. Forgive me if I ramble a bit here, but I'm just doing some free association with my thoughts on this topic a bit here.

There are some things that yo are better off not knowing about. Even if they are fucking amazing - because you cant have them.

Thanks to any and all for input - just be gentle on me I'm in a delicate emotional state!!!!!!!!!!!

BTW Psychologists are overrated, they just tell you what you already should have done - that's why I like terb...................

 

[massman]

I don't have similar experiences. But I hope my thoughts would help a bit.
First of all, although it's emotionally taxing, I do think it's a gift to experience something so intense. I myself was frustrated and puzzled at a time when I felt I just can't have strong lasting feelings toward any female, however attractive they are. However the future turns out to be, isn't it great to discover someone have a higher connection with you and confirm that the feeling is mutual?

Practically, the problem is whether to pursue something radical but (would be great), or stick with the familiar and just nice.

If I were you, I would first ask myself: the former really a "great" thing? Be true to yourself. Did all the feelings come from the thrill of a combination of a). doing something that has been inhibited for years and b). stepping outside what you would normally do (being naughty), or is it just the pleasure of discovery, or something else.

Oneway I can think of to find out, is try to let it cool down for a while. A month, two months, a quarter... If the mutual feeling is true, it won't fade with time. After your feeling is confirmed, and after the mutuality of the feeling is confirmed, you can go to the next step. One thing I would pay attention is DON'T TRY TO BE A TRAGIC HERO. Make sure the other side feels the same as you do before you make any sacrifice. Telling a girl how much you have given up to be with her might move them in a movie, but in real life, I don't think it works well. Even if you can guilt a girl into it, do you want a relationship based on guilt?

Anyways, next is to work out the logistics. Do you need to change your job (or hers), move, and such. How are you going to deal with that? Not only it's a good planning practice, and if you do make a decision, you need to do it anyways. The process would also pull you from the beautiful fantasy to the boring details. Again, if your feeling is strong enough, all these will NOT deter you. By doing this, you have another chance to confirm whether your feeling worth the radical move.

What's next, I don't know. If you see something beautiful, and know it's real, get it. But it's important is to confirm it's not a mere mirage.

Thanks bud, you have consolidated my messed up chaotic thoughts into some vaguely logical statements. I have one advantage. The practicalities of the situation do not allow me to act irrationally. the situation enforces on me TIME. I think that will help one way or another. I agree, the intensity of the situation was beautiful in and of itself. I'm luck y for that. The only problem is Im greedy and want more.

Don't worry, I've never been a hero - tragic maybe, but never a hero!!!

 

[Mcluhan]

Oh boy, are you are in trouble. And good that you came here. Man, the first thing you have to realize is that you are both in sync because you both want to be. Chill. Your post here is a cry for help. I will now give you a sterling piece of advice. mark on the calander exactly the day the hormones flooded into your brain. Count 46 days, and 'X' each one. Do not induldge your fanatasy here until then. Get back to us on the 46th day. the world will seem almost normal, as it was. Trust me. You have a lot at risk.

 

[massman]

Oh boy, are you are in trouble. And good that you came here. Man, the first think you have to realize is that you are both in sync because you both want to be. Chill. Your post here is a cry for help. I will now give you a sterling piece of advice. mark on the calander exactly the day the hormones flooded into your brain. Count 46 days, and 'X' each one. Do not induldge your fanatasy here until then. Get back to us on the 46th day. the world will seem almost normal, as it was. Trust me. You have a lot at risk.

Dude it is day 36........10 to go!!!!!! I cannot indulge the fantasy immediately anyways. That is the torture as well as the saving grace of the situation!!!!

 

[Mcluhan]

Dude it is day 36........10 to go!!!!!! I cannot indulge the fantasy immediately anyways. That is the torture as well as the saving grace of the situation!!!!

Man, you are almost at the peak of your insanity. Hold on. Please do it.

 

[massman]

I'm surfin the crest of the wave of my insanity!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Mcluhan]

So enjoy it. Enjoy this flirtation with abandonment and reckless near self-destruction. You know it for what it is. Five years from now it will be a memory of a gleeful exciting foolhardy time. Make it so. You will enjoy the memory. The alternative is not pretty.

 

[massman]

From personal experience, those feelings wear off. Stay where you were satisfied before, as you will be satisfied again. What looks great now, will simply become what you have already but with a whole host of regrets, and complications.
Good luck!

Thanks LOTN. The problem is, where was I satisfied before????

 

[Mcluhan]

As a female, who has no undersatnding of the male mind...why 46 days? What does that do? Change of the moon or something? Please advise as inquiring minds want to know.

LOL..you had to ask. I'll PM you on it tomorrow. Off to see the sandman.

 

[massman]

I figured you had to be at some point, or you never would've allowed yourself to spend that much time with one person. I could be way off. I swear, and you guys will all laugh...i've seen lotn in a few postings, as a reply, and i JUST clued in that that's me...lmfao god I'm such a newbie! LOL

LOTN, that's pretty damn funny girl...........

Your initial question is a good one. I need to contemplate it more. Ha dtoo much vino 2 nite need some sleep. Thanks all for your input!!!

 

[hunter001]

I figured you had to be at some point, or you never would've allowed yourself to spend that much time with one person. I could be way off. I swear, and you guys will all laugh...i've seen lotn in a few postings, as a reply, and i JUST clued in that that's me...lmfao god I'm such a newbie! LOL

You seriously thought we were going to type in ladyofthenite every time?

 

[massman]

now who the hell is LOL???????????????????????????????????????????????????

 

[hunter001]

The new lady is fun because she is a new thing to you (at least the sex). It is great there isn't a lot of commitment, and you both leave all your problems at the door. It seem like you are soul mates...

If you decide to make it a more committed relationship, all of the sudden you have to bring in all of your real world problems. All of the sudden things aren't as great.

If you want to end your current relationship you should based on that your current relationship and not as a comparison to the new one. Take care of business with your current SO before committing to someone else.

If you don't deal with the baggage with your current SO you are just going to take it to your new relationship.

Good luck.

 

[massman]

"lol laugh out loud and I'm sure I'm showing my 'green' again bcuz i'm quite sure you know that and are laughing at me, but it's ok, this is the most fun I've had today...thank you! "



ur welcum sweety. Thanks for the kind words ( as naive and idealistic as they may be)..


Nighty nite.

 

[spatial_k]

I feel sorry for anyone who's described in the terms you're describing your partner and your life with her

 

[Eli]

I always wondered what would happen if I married someone I was merely content with and then later on met someone who seemed to be everything I ever wanted. Mind you of course marriage and children changes everybody no matter how much of a "wild little hottie" they are when you meet them.

Tough call, I'd say follow your heart but of course you run the risk of losing that which has already proven itself to a degree.