It's not about the money...

[out4fun]

Any well off guys ever date a civilian and be told "its not about the money?".

My best friend was just complaining to me about the girl he has been dating for about 2 years now. In the beginning of the relationship he could do no wrong. He elevated her lifestyle way beyond her normal means and they got along like 2 peas in a pod.

Anyways, skip ahead to present, and he has now reached the stage with is girlfriend where "its not about the money". He now gets dumped on for working too many hours, not sharing enough of his time with her and not being attentive enough. the usual stuff.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that I think he is doomed, but I've come to feel that once you fill one set of needs for someone, they tend to lean on you for the next set of needs.

Status quo never seems acceptable, and at some point, we will reach a limit in which there are needs that we can no longer meet.

Am i way off track or is this why most relationships inevitably fail?

 

[exnocomment]

How old is your friend? And how old is the girl he's dating?

So, I don't feel wealthy by my own standards, but I am a white collar professional with skills and experience that commands a pretty decent salary. I came from immigrant parents and my earliest memory is my entire family living out of one room. I'm college educated and articulate. Many of the people I know now are from my new life - white collar, comfortably middle-upper-class, more than a handful that are extremely wealthy. I tell you this not to brag but to try to give you perspective on where my comments are from what why I'm asking what I do..

Because, well, there's no easy answer to your query other than a combination of:
1) Yes, people take for granted what they have .. and
2) Maturity and broad awareness is important for staying grounded and appreciating what you have (and just being a person that is happy and content)

So #2 is why I ask about age. I put myself through school by working part time jobs, faced lots of "serious adult problems" at a young age .. but most people I have encountered now in life did not. Most people in their twenties have only been exposed to so much. Same with most people in their early thirties. People joke that hardship builds character .. but so does simple life experience. Especially those that haven't had to scrape and claw for what they have - that leads to having less opportunities to both learn and make real life choices and live with the subsequent outcomes. It's the same for people that date for years and years, one girl or boy after another like a revolving door .. then suddenly, age 34/35, they've found themselves and are ready and WHAMMO! Next boy/girl becomes their spouse. It's not a coincidence. Nothing happens in a vacuum.

tl;dr - Like any good answer: "Yes and no, it's complicated. People take things for granted. Maturity is important. Young people are usually dumb"
PS: Also read Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs

 

[out4fun]

Thanks for the input, and yes, I think Maslow nailed it. To add the missing information, he's almost 50 and worth upwards of 3m - she's about 8 to 10 years younger with a modest job but no assets. I honestly always thought of her as genuine and sweet when we cross paths, but now I'm feeling like entitlement might be settling in.

 

[Mikehorn]

And if he breaks up with her, she'll say he "ruined her life"...

 

[drlove]

I'll tell you... it IS about the money! That story sounds like a carbon copy of what happened with one of my ex'es. At first, it was the most amazing relationship - she was a woman who was way out of my league - almost model material, and I considered myself extremely fortunate. Then, the more I did for her and the more I gave, the more she wanted. She jokingly referred to herself as a queen, but in the end the joke was on me. She basically demanded my time 24/7, expected gifts / surprises at every turn, and then balked at the fact that I actually had to work in order to pay for everything! I learned that no matter how hot a woman is, you can get sick of just about anyone given the right circumstances. She wanted the fairytale, and wasn't mature enough to accept reality.

 

[LuxeLadyAmber]

Sorry Boys...not sure if this one is about gender. Sounds to me like it has much more to do with one's character...

 

[Titalian]

Any well off guys ever date a civilian and be told "its not about the money?".

My best friend was just complaining to me about the girl he has been dating for about 2 years now. In the beginning of the relationship he could do no wrong. He elevated her lifestyle way beyond her normal means and they got along like 2 peas in a pod.

Anyways, skip ahead to present, and he has now reached the stage with is girlfriend where "its not about the money". He now gets dumped on for working too many hours, not sharing enough of his time with her and not being attentive enough. the usual stuff.

I didn't have the heart to tell him that I think he is doomed, but I've come to feel that once you fill one set of needs for someone, they tend to lean on you for the next set of needs.

Status quo never seems acceptable, and at some point, we will reach a limit in which there are needs that we can no longer meet.

Am i way off track or is this why most relationships inevitably fail?

I got news for you "Status guo" is boring. And I'm older than you. We're not in the 16th century anymore. things have changed. Its a fast past life that develops immediate gratification. So adapt ! Cause things won't change.

 

[johnhenrygalt]

IWe're not in the 16th century anymore.

Do you really think people in the 16th century weren't interested in immediate gratification?

 

[Titalian]

Do you really think people in the 16th century weren't interested in immediate gratification?

Why ? Were you born then ? What I can tell you, is that communication in any form Today, is way beyond the 16th century. And deep inside me I like it.
Because it is open and free for all. What can I say.

 

[wangbang]

When someone says it's not about the money, well, it's about the money.

 

[bestman007]

Never marry!!! Upgrade your woman every few years just like your car.

 

[kkelso]

When someone says it's not about the money, well, it's about the money.

When someone slips in the phrase "It's not about the money" I just jump in and say "well then, let's take money out of the equation if that would make you more comfortable". On a few occasions the person has indeed taken money out of the equation and demonstrated that they spoke the truth. Usually though it is exactly what you would expect.

KK

 

[TeasePlease]

Anyways, skip ahead to present, and he has now reached the stage with is girlfriend where "its not about the money". He now gets dumped on for working too many hours, not sharing enough of his time with her and not being attentive enough. the usual stuff.

i think the more apt phrase is to say that it's not just about money. Money is, of course, relevant. She now expects it as given, and she wants that and more. That's natural. Just be glad that money is not all she wants from him.

 

[DaleyDDD]

Never marry!!! Upgrade your woman every few years just like your car.

^^best answer.:thumb:

 

[Keebler Elf]

Why would you think that a relationship based off "elevating her lifestyle" would end in anything but failure?

He bought his girlfriend and when the glamour wore off she got tired of him. Probably did him a favour in the long run.

 

[|2 /-\ | /|/]

This is true just about anything we do. With relationship, we change, we change constantly over the lifetime of a relationship. The reason why relationships fail is because we are not always comfortable or can't not adapt with this change or do not know how or do not want to handle this change for a variety of reasons. Its easy to make a relationship work, but both parties need to be willing to make it work and respond and adapt to the ever change.

Simple, right !?

 

[Titalian]

I couldn't find the exact scene, but this is about a successful divorce lawyer going through a messy separation himself and talking to his mentor and partner. What his partner says to him in the end conversation, has always stuck in my mind.
Go to time line 1:28:25 Divorce Wars !

 

[|2 /-\ | /|/]

I couldn't find the exact scene, but this is about a successful divorce lawyer going through a messy separation himself and talking to his mentor and partner. What his partner says to him in the end conversation, has always stuck in my mind.
Go to time line 1:28:25 Divorce Wars !

But why do we expect so much now of each other now? Why do we let ourselves get thrown around the tide like that? Do we need to be banged up a little on the rocks, to learn a lesson, maybe for our next life? Why do we let others feed us their truth to the point where we start to believe it, and start to act on it? Why can't we find our own truth, our own meaning, without ruining someone in the process??? Hmmmmm good questions to ponder, indeed....

 

[thirdcup]

Years ago my SO was having a case of the 'I wants' and after a while I was getting tired of hearing it. It seemed she was never satisfied (spare me your jokes guys) Then one day after another I want, I started the following conversation
Me: Do you like that we can live in this large house without a mortgage?
Her: Of course.
Me: Do you like that we can travel to the West coast each summer so you can see your parents and the kids can see Granny & Gramps?, and occasionally we take our own family trips on winter break or spring break?
Her: Absolutely.
Me: Do you like that we can eat out or have take out any time you say you're too tired to cook?
Her: Yes.
Me: Do you like that you have the time to do the volunteer work you want?
Her: Yes. I like doing work on X, Y, & Z.
Me: Do you like that you don't have to work for ANY of these things?
Her: Silence.

Apparently she needed a reminder that the life she had should not be taken for granted.
I also asked her to think of her friend who used to call whenever she needed to vent about being in a job she hated.
I started hearing much fewer I wants after that.
On another occasion, when I was told that I wouldn't know what to do if my SO ever left me and the kids, I simply acknowledged that things would be tough for a while but then we would find ways to adjust to the new situation. My SO was in the room and heard me loud and clear. My point, which I think had been made, was that no one was irreplaceable, and being unreasonable or making unreasonable demands, therefore, would not get the desired results.

 

[Chloë.]

Years ago my SO was having a case of the 'I wants' and after a while I was getting tired of hearing it. It seemed she was never satisfied (spare me your jokes guys) Then one day after another I want, I started the following conversation
Me: Do you like that we can live in this large house without a mortgage?
Her: Of course.
Me: Do you like that we can travel to the West coast each summer so you can see your parents and the kids can see Granny & Gramps?, and occasionally we take our own family trips on winter break or spring break?
Her: Absolutely.
Me: Do you like that we can eat out or have take out any time you say you're too tired to cook?
Her: Yes.
Me: Do you like that you have the time to do the volunteer work you want?
Her: Yes. I like doing work on X, Y, & Z.
Me: Do you like that you don't have to work for ANY of these things?
Her: Silence.

Apparently she needed a reminder that the life she had should not be taken for granted.
I also asked her to think of her friend who used to call whenever she needed to vent about being in a job she hated.
I started hearing much fewer I wants after that.
On another occasion, when I was told that I wouldn't know what to do if my SO ever left me and the kids, I simply acknowledged that things would be tough for a while but then we would find ways to adjust to the new situation. My SO was in the room and heard me loud and clear. My point, which I think had been made, was that no one was irreplaceable, and being unreasonable or making unreasonable demands, therefore, would not get the desired results.

Are you still with said SO?

Wonder if the conversations helped.