I put my dog down this morning. First time I've ever had to do this where there was no illness or accident involved. Usually I struggle with whether or not I did everything I could, did I give up too easily, could I have just written another cheque. Did I let him go to soon?
This time it was simply old age and it practically happened overnight. Or maybe it's been happening all along and I just didn't want to accept it. Now I'm wondering if I waited too long. He was my buddy, well behaved, properly trained and cared for. He provided companionship and security, warmed my feet in my office in the winter even though he was really too big to do so. As heart broken as I would have been if he passed in his sleep that would have been preferable to making that decision...yet again. I know I made the right decision, his quality of life had deteriorated rapidly of late and he was quite old but still...that seed of doubt remains.
He was a quiet dog but my home suddenly seems so quiet. I sometimes think souls hum like an old refrigerator and you only notice them in their absence. His food dishes and sleeping matt are still in place. Lots of my passwords still set to his name. To remove these things seems so final, no doubt they will stay as is for several weeks. I am not walking around tears streaming down my face, I'm just....numb and more lost than I should be. It's almost embarrassing.
Why do we intentionally acquire and allow ourselves to emotionally bond with something that we know we will eventually watch die or we will have to make a conscious choice to end their life and their suffering? Seems kind of silly to set yourself up for that, because no matter how many times you deal with this, say "I've been here before, this time will be different", it just never gets any easier.
Fuck
This time it was simply old age and it practically happened overnight. Or maybe it's been happening all along and I just didn't want to accept it. Now I'm wondering if I waited too long. He was my buddy, well behaved, properly trained and cared for. He provided companionship and security, warmed my feet in my office in the winter even though he was really too big to do so. As heart broken as I would have been if he passed in his sleep that would have been preferable to making that decision...yet again. I know I made the right decision, his quality of life had deteriorated rapidly of late and he was quite old but still...that seed of doubt remains.
He was a quiet dog but my home suddenly seems so quiet. I sometimes think souls hum like an old refrigerator and you only notice them in their absence. His food dishes and sleeping matt are still in place. Lots of my passwords still set to his name. To remove these things seems so final, no doubt they will stay as is for several weeks. I am not walking around tears streaming down my face, I'm just....numb and more lost than I should be. It's almost embarrassing.
Why do we intentionally acquire and allow ourselves to emotionally bond with something that we know we will eventually watch die or we will have to make a conscious choice to end their life and their suffering? Seems kind of silly to set yourself up for that, because no matter how many times you deal with this, say "I've been here before, this time will be different", it just never gets any easier.
Fuck
