We all have regrets, it’s human.
Talking about your problems is healthy, we’re your free therapy!
I don’t see you have major issues but if there’s something you want to change it isn’t too late. 50 is when most people take stock of their lives.
Is my life fucked?
- Thread starter mmouse
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Talking about your problems is healthy, we’re your free therapy!
I don’t see you have major issues but if there’s something you want to change it isn’t too late. 50 is when most people take stock of their lives.
You are among friends and like minds on here bro. You are not alone. If you ever need to talk or have someone listen feel free to DM me. You remind me of this guy I randomly met at a park in Manitulin this past summer. I get similar vibes from your story and especially the kids part.
3 peices of advice:
1.
Ok... I did not read your post past the first line. The thread title answered the question it asked...
And the reason I did not read it, is because I already know what it says... and it's all drama... blag blah blah... poor me.
(Not trying to be a dick)
I was a supervisor once, and would get sucked into others peoples emotional stories. My boss sat me down and point blank said;
"Poker, some people just live soap-opera lives. We all got money problems, we all have some problems in some relationships. Hell, your car broke down and you got your ass to work this morning without dropping a bomb on my desk about it".
It seemed mean at first... but after a while I got it. It made sense.
2.
Right before I became manager, and employee was telling me how unfair our company was, and how he was screwed out of a raise because our computer system didn't work. I brought this to one of the VP's. He stopped me. "Poker, I make my decisions based on data, not sad stories.... data. Not emotions".
Changed the way I looked at everything.
3.
I am not a happy person by nature... I have seen therapists. One technique was very useful. After I dumped my emotional sad story on my counselor, he asked... if your best friend told you all that what advice would you give him? And he made me go through it all to give actual advice to my best friend.... he then said... "That needs to be to voice in your head... the one with the solutions. You need to treat yourself like you would treat your friends.... you would never tell your friends to just give up..."
*** Be your own best friend.
*** Use data, not emotions when making decisions, and there are no problems, just solutions.
*** Don't lead a soap opera life.
1.
Ok... I did not read your post past the first line. The thread title answered the question it asked...
And the reason I did not read it, is because I already know what it says... and it's all drama... blag blah blah... poor me.
(Not trying to be a dick)
I was a supervisor once, and would get sucked into others peoples emotional stories. My boss sat me down and point blank said;
"Poker, some people just live soap-opera lives. We all got money problems, we all have some problems in some relationships. Hell, your car broke down and you got your ass to work this morning without dropping a bomb on my desk about it".
It seemed mean at first... but after a while I got it. It made sense.
2.
Right before I became manager, and employee was telling me how unfair our company was, and how he was screwed out of a raise because our computer system didn't work. I brought this to one of the VP's. He stopped me. "Poker, I make my decisions based on data, not sad stories.... data. Not emotions".
Changed the way I looked at everything.
3.
I am not a happy person by nature... I have seen therapists. One technique was very useful. After I dumped my emotional sad story on my counselor, he asked... if your best friend told you all that what advice would you give him? And he made me go through it all to give actual advice to my best friend.... he then said... "That needs to be to voice in your head... the one with the solutions. You need to treat yourself like you would treat your friends.... you would never tell your friends to just give up..."
*** Be your own best friend.
*** Use data, not emotions when making decisions, and there are no problems, just solutions.
*** Don't lead a soap opera life.
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When I was a teenager, I was a total fuck up, I feared that homelessness would be my destiny.
Your problem is you are afraid to fail, you've become risk averse. There is no validation in life without taking risks, you've become comfortable in your stagnation and your wife wont fuck you. Being a serial fuck up, I can honestly claim I never had to answer to anyone younger than myself. Failure is knowledge, sometimes you have to embrace it to move forward.
Just my 2 cents.
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Funny, when I read him say that, I thought the same thing. People always say "but you're so lucky" or "I'd give anything to be in your shoes", but saying those things shows a lack of understanding in human nature. Contentedness comes from advancing. It's relative, not static. That's why many Westerners have a sense of malaise, whereas foreigners immigrating to the West often excel. People find happiness in improving their lot in life, whether they're rich or poor. So to tell someone they should be happy with what they've got because others are worse off, doesn't really help IMO. I think it's good to know many, many others are in a similar situation though, going through the same thing you are. You're definitely not alone in that.
You need to find more people who are in your corner. Parents are a good starting point, of course, because any good parent will be in your corner from birth until death. But this is the role that friends provide. You've identified a lack of friends as a major problem, which it is. You can live without them, but happiness will likely be elusive, especially since your family life is unfulfilling. Do what you have to to meet people. And I understand it won't be easy. It's always easier to maintain friendships and pick up new ones along the way, than to start from ground zero and try to build up. But it's what's best for you anyway.
I understand you're shy and awkward, and potentially autistic, but keep in mind that that is true of many, many people in the modern day era. FIND THOSE PEOPLE! They're in need of you the same way you're in need of them.
Well to be fair the world has massively redefined male/female relationships - before Sping was fring and now its more ore less becoming main stream - 10 years ago a study showed that 25% of women in higher education tried sex work at least once. The Masters and Johnson sex study several decades earlier found a fraction of a percent of women to engage in such behaviour. WIth the pandemic from a personal note many women in the civilian life tried Only fans sex work - more than I have seen n my lifetime for public sex work.
Anyway advice of the past no longer applies - it might have been good advice at one time. Certainly rental gfs are being advocated for more and more by both males and females.
Hell na, no lost cause, so many good replies here and trust me, most of these people including me are here for you. Maybe not the best place to find friends, but you do have friends here on terb!
Read books man, get to know yourself better, read your user manual, how your biology works, what kind of behaviours made you get stuck in those awful toxic relationships and what is it that you want in the future, nothing is off limits and age is just a number. We can achieve all we want, it may be different from what we have in our head, but we can still get it. We just need to look for it.
Regarding sex, we're men, nature wants us to fuck (how else is the plan of nature going to succeed?) and that's why we like it so much, sex drive will come back once you're feeling more happy and yourself. Don't be disappointed if your sex drive is lower now, fuck with only the good girls that make you feel good with lower rates for now. Work on yourself in the meantime.
It's all gonna be good. You're on the right path, you're already challenging your current status in life, that's the first step!
Read books man, get to know yourself better, read your user manual, how your biology works, what kind of behaviours made you get stuck in those awful toxic relationships and what is it that you want in the future, nothing is off limits and age is just a number. We can achieve all we want, it may be different from what we have in our head, but we can still get it. We just need to look for it.
Regarding sex, we're men, nature wants us to fuck (how else is the plan of nature going to succeed?) and that's why we like it so much, sex drive will come back once you're feeling more happy and yourself. Don't be disappointed if your sex drive is lower now, fuck with only the good girls that make you feel good with lower rates for now. Work on yourself in the meantime.
It's all gonna be good. You're on the right path, you're already challenging your current status in life, that's the first step!
OP, you are asking for advice, but are you willing to listen and accept advice given to you??
Your most enthusiastic reply was to a post implying that you're a product of society. This is not good, because it shows that you'd rather blame others than look deeper into yourself.
Look around you! There are many people who do much better than you. Why is that? What makes them so special?? Do they have an extra leg or an arm? Do they have a bigger head/brain than yours??
The answer is: MINDSET!
This is something you must work on to improve your life. Just like any muscle, your mind can be trained.
Don't ever forget that you ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE!
CHOICE!!! Plain an simple. No one is holding a gun to your head 24/7 and even if they did, you still have a choice. You may choose to be successful, proactive, happy or you may choose to be miserable by going with the flow.
Few suggested therapy and you brushed it off. You underestimate what it can do for you. You say "I can't afford it". That's bullshit. If your mechanic said your car is unsafe to drive, you find a way to pay for repairs. Look into options. There are some Health Community Centres that offer Therapy free of charge.
Once you're ready to change, open to new information I suggest reading books (or listening Audible books). One of my favorites is 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. This book will talk about everything!!! Your mindset, your interactions with others, family, business etc.
You realize something is broken and that's a good start. Now you have a choice: work on fixing it or let it be.
Your most enthusiastic reply was to a post implying that you're a product of society. This is not good, because it shows that you'd rather blame others than look deeper into yourself.
Look around you! There are many people who do much better than you. Why is that? What makes them so special?? Do they have an extra leg or an arm? Do they have a bigger head/brain than yours??
The answer is: MINDSET!
This is something you must work on to improve your life. Just like any muscle, your mind can be trained.
Don't ever forget that you ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE!
CHOICE!!! Plain an simple. No one is holding a gun to your head 24/7 and even if they did, you still have a choice. You may choose to be successful, proactive, happy or you may choose to be miserable by going with the flow.
Few suggested therapy and you brushed it off. You underestimate what it can do for you. You say "I can't afford it". That's bullshit. If your mechanic said your car is unsafe to drive, you find a way to pay for repairs. Look into options. There are some Health Community Centres that offer Therapy free of charge.
Once you're ready to change, open to new information I suggest reading books (or listening Audible books). One of my favorites is 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. This book will talk about everything!!! Your mindset, your interactions with others, family, business etc.
You realize something is broken and that's a good start. Now you have a choice: work on fixing it or let it be.
Ok lets start here mate - let go of the regret before you do anything.
Although I agree this would probably do it however it could be dangerous to go through an ego death for people like in OPs mindset. You first need to survive that trip and witness your ego and identity being destroyed and die in front of your consciousness and reflect on life. Some can’t handle this, start to panic and have really bad trips and freak outs. Maybe best to do this under professional supervision or at least have someone that cares about his well being to trip sit. Also he would need a few weeks to reflect and integrate the experience and not just something you can do over a weekend while having responsibilities. Some countries have Ayahuasca retreats with medical professionals on board that trip sit and make sure they know what to do. I wouldn’t ever recommend OP to try this on his own.
Also to OP put yourself in your kids position and if you are looking at your own father and how you would feel if you were a kid and your own father was the adult you in the present. Maybe what you would want in a father as a kid is your answer to what your kids are looking for.
You have a job means you're busy half the day. as someone mentioned, you're looking at all the negatives and being a debbie downer...probably why your children don't have much respect is because you're being predictable. you need to be unpredictable...out of the blue, take your wife out to dinner. you hike means, you're in kind of in shape...forget about your kids directions, that's too late but always let them know you're a supportive dad at least, they have their own road to carve so let them do it themselves and just be there when they need something (they always do). be selfish and have sometime for yourself, you can go out fishing, biking 2 - 4 times a week (2hrs) or get a massage or body slide, depends what you have in mind...50 is still young....don't sulk in a corner...you're going to get old fast.
Love the intelligent reply.
From what I am understanding, OP has lost touch with his masculinity. Shit pay at a shit job, lack of respect from his family, self-loathing all classic signs. But the number one step to change and turning things around is acknowledgement and acceptance.
OP. Fuck everything else and aim for personal excellence. 50 is not old. The only major challenge it seems is the money. You should be in the gym daily pumping 2-3 hour numbers while consistantly researching ways to aquire a positive cash flow, any talent is learned with time and commitment. Instead of chasing the love of your wife and respect of your kids, you want them to chase you.
Biking changed my life. It is immune to lockdowns and is fun as fuck. I recommend Strava. Biking has a beautiful meditative aspect to it.
Be consistant and respect time. You'll bounce back
To develop a new friend network you can join clubs. The more the better.
Since you self-identify as an introvert then maybe photo clubs, chess clubs, book clubs, astronomy clubs, birding clubs, hiking clubs, meditation groups, church groups etc etc can expose to like minded quiet oriented people.
Stay away from furries, those people are freaks
After COVID clears away, invite people over to your house and force yourself to become the centre of a network. Not natural for an introvert but if things are bad then forcing yourself to do uncomfortable things may be needed.
Since you self-identify as an introvert then maybe photo clubs, chess clubs, book clubs, astronomy clubs, birding clubs, hiking clubs, meditation groups, church groups etc etc can expose to like minded quiet oriented people.
Stay away from furries, those people are freaks
After COVID clears away, invite people over to your house and force yourself to become the centre of a network. Not natural for an introvert but if things are bad then forcing yourself to do uncomfortable things may be needed.
Try learning gratitude for the things you already have going for you and the people who are there for you. You have a roof over your head, food to eat. parents who love you. You are employed.
Write it down everyday “I am grateful for… today” meditating and becoming in tune with my inner self and spirituality changed my mindset. Also try affirmations. We tend to be our worst inner critic.
usually women not being interested in sex after the kids there are underlying reasons. Maybe resentment, body changes, her own depression, maybe she is aware of your infidelity who knows.maybe she knows you are only with her so your not alone. Do you value her ? Make her feel beautiful and desired? Surprise her let her know she is truly on your mind ? Only you truly know the real answer to that situation. it’s just whether or not you want to solve it or if your comfortable being miserable.
there’s ways to repair and fix relationships. Your best bet is probably to see a therapist and make small changes everyday to improve your self image. There’s lots of information out there on the internet and workbooks off Amazon.
all the best hope things turn around for you
Write it down everyday “I am grateful for… today” meditating and becoming in tune with my inner self and spirituality changed my mindset. Also try affirmations. We tend to be our worst inner critic.
usually women not being interested in sex after the kids there are underlying reasons. Maybe resentment, body changes, her own depression, maybe she is aware of your infidelity who knows.maybe she knows you are only with her so your not alone. Do you value her ? Make her feel beautiful and desired? Surprise her let her know she is truly on your mind ? Only you truly know the real answer to that situation. it’s just whether or not you want to solve it or if your comfortable being miserable.
there’s ways to repair and fix relationships. Your best bet is probably to see a therapist and make small changes everyday to improve your self image. There’s lots of information out there on the internet and workbooks off Amazon.
all the best hope things turn around for you
I recall somewhere in the thread that you are red pill aware. based on that, why are you staying in something that is regretful and unfulfilling?
I find it hysterical when people feel this guilt to try and fix other people when the other people are the cause of you feeling like shit. if you didnt have those people in your life what would you life be like? how would you feel? personal happiness I would say is the number one priority.
many people(80% of women) get divorced due to being unsatisfied in the relationship.
you are not happy with your wife or kids and personally I believe all the counselling wont help with your situation. most people are depressed because of the shit they choose not to change in their life.
its a tough decision; but what its worth, I cut the toxic people(family, friends, partners) out of my life. Ive never been happier.
I wish you well in your journey.
Social workers are free. And you may want to consider if being happy is worth changing your beliefs for. If you want it bad enough, it is always worth doing the work for. Also, it is never too late to change patterns and behaviours, perspectives, and beliefs.
I agree, the best example you can set for your kids is by taking care of yourself. Even adult offspring look to you for cues on how to live their best lives, seeing you miserable is not what they want for you, or themselves.
