Irish Humour

[smylee52]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

 

[red]

Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.

"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

 

[red]

An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.

"I've come to meet my brother," said the Irishman. "He's due to fly in from
America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years".

"Will you be able to recognize him?" asked the American.

"I'm sure I won't," said the Irishman, "after all, he's been away for a long time".

"I wonder if he'll recognize you?" said the American.

"Of course he will," said the Irishman. "Sure, an' I haven't been away at all".

 

[Nickelodeon]

You've heard of the two gay Irishmen:

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.

(Let me spell it out for the slow ones: Patrick fits Gerald)

 

[Bill the Pirate]

two drunk Irishmen talking in a bar..

jaysuz you look familiar...

aye so do you

where did you go to school?

st bridgets... you?

jaysuz I went to st bridgets as well

who was your teacher then?

sister mary,

jaysuz I had sister mary as well.

and another voice calls out....... there they go .... the Mckenna twins are drunk again.

 

[train]

Irish Lent

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub, and promptly orders three beers.

The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.


This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers." "Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers and one went to America and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then one day the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know - the two beers and all...."


The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

 

[Ben Hogan]

Yesterday a 2 seater Cessna 152 crashed into an Irish cemetery.
So far to date, police have recovered 52 bodies.

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

Then there was the Irishman who sued the local baker for forging the Irishman's signature on a hot cross bun....