I lost my father just over a month ago. I would like to share my story for two reasons, one being that I need to get it out of my head and enjoy happier thoughts of him. The other reason is I feel it may help others. That being said, it is a very sad story and you may not want to read it. The part that I feel may help others is at the latter part of the post.
About six weeks ago my father was awaken from his sleep with severe chest pains. He spent the following 13 hours self medicating with A.S.A and vodka. I learned from him later on that day that he would routinely take ASA (a known blood thinner) to ease minor chest pain and that on this occasion he added vodka; neither helped.
He drove himself to his doctor, who promptly called an ambulance. He informed me via cell phone (from the ambulance) while fighting off the paramedics. Lol I met up with him in the cardiac unit at Sunnybrook and he was in great spirits. He was admitted and had a routine procedure two days later. He spent a week in recovery and was released.
While he was in recovery he threatened on a daily basis that he was going to leave and go home because he felt fine. Once he got home his attitude change and he became very depressed…not his style at all. He hardly ate a thing for over a week and complained about back pain constantly….apparently this is all normal.
One night while I was visiting with him he said “I’m ready baci! I’m ready to go out.” He wanted to go to the track the following evening and play the slots.
He had been bugging me to go with him for months prior so I indulged him; I cannot express how grateful I am that I went with him and stoked that off of our out to-do-list. Unfortunately our evening was cut a bit short because his back pain became overwhelming. Shortly after I got him home and a short debate I called him an ambulance; the pain was that bad.
He was administered morphine and they ran a battery of tests…excellent care in this place I might add. Several hours later the doctor returned with distressing news. The tests showed that he had cancer lesions in all of his organs, glands and spinal cord. Lucky for the doctor my father was dosing while he blurted out all of this. I’m implored him not to repeat the news. I told him that he has very little fight left in him and that at the moment he thinks he has a pinched nerve in his back; I would like him to just get through this day! The doctor insisted that it was his right to hear the news. I argued that he was terminal, cannot be treated and that nothing good could come from telling him at this point. The doctor maintained his position. I let him know in so many words that he would soon be a patient himself if he continued….I won the argument. Shortly after my sister arrived and we tucked him into his new bed. He was to undergo more tests in the morning.
I stayed with my mother that night. At 6:45 the next morning I received a call from the hospital. When my father took his morning trip to the washroom he suffered a massive coronary on the way; a blood clot broke free and blocked his Aorta. Several emotions came over me at once. I was partly in shock because this wasn’t expected and partly relieved because I knew of the physical and mental suffering he had ahead of him. The doctor went on to tell me that they were currently attempting to resuscitate him and that they had been doing so for 20 minutes. I couldn’t fucking believe my ears. I hadn’t considered placing a DNR order.
I arrived at the hospital 20 minutes later and they were still trying!!!! Moments later the doctor informed me his vitals looked good…huh?? I bellowed WTF, 40 goddamn minutes, what is it with you guys?? He explained that because it came as such a surprise that they tried extra hard…fair enough. *sigh*
The rest of my family had arrived at this point and we were able to see him. He lay there hyper-ventilating on life support, not what he would have wanted. We had a short visit and met with the doctors to discuss the options. It was the most frustrating conversation I have ever had. I’m prying them to find the quickest most painless way to let him go and they were…..you can guess.
We made our way back and I instructed them to remove the artificial lung. They replaced the tube with an oxygen mask which might as well have been an artificial lung; the flow of oxygen was practically freezing his face, While my family was grouped around him I took a look at the his monitors. His heart rate was at 140 and his blood pressure was through the roof. I got the nurse to explain exactly what all the machines and tubes were doing. Then I inquired about how long he would have without the mask? She said maybe seconds maybe minutes it’s hard to tell.
I walked back in and asked my family to gather closely around him. (I don’t know where the hell I got the courage for this?) I removed the blood pressure band and threw it on the floor; I disconnected all of the IV tubes except for the morphine and threw them to the side; I pulled all of the probes off of his chest; Then finally removed the oxygen mask. At this point alarm bells are ringing and doctors are flying in the room…I sent them away.
Within seconds his breathing regulated, his heart rate dropped to 110 then leveled at 90 and blood pressure leveled off….He started snoring and making sleepy noises.
He was feverish, so I pulled down his covers and fanned him until he cooled off. I moistened his dry lips and put some chap-stick on him. That’s more like it!! We spent several hours with him It became very apparent to me that he had a many hours left so I woke him with a tickle, and whispered in his ear to hold tight for a while and that I would be back soon.
I needed a break so I headed to a poker game with some fellow Terbites.
I returned to the hospital and spent some time talking to my dad. His breathing had slowed down substantially and he seemed to be struggling; So I let him know that all his business would be settled, I would look after my mother and that he could leave us when he was ready.
He let go moments later.
I have been afraid of that day for most of my life. I almost lost him to a brain aneurism 23 years ago. Every day after that felt like a gift and I made the most of them. My memories all filled with the usual father son stuff like learning to ride a bike and flying kites etc. The thing that stands out the most for me and makes his passing easier is that he became more of a friend to me and less of a father in the later years; I worked for him, he worked for me, we got drunk together, we played craps together, I bought him a lap dance *grins*, we played Gin rummy together…I never did beat him, and I showed him pictures of sweaty out-of-breath silicon breasted women in my bed. These are just a few of my fond memories and when I couple them with the fact that I had a hand in him passing with dignity it makes tomorrow much easier. I have no regrets.
I miss you dad.
About six weeks ago my father was awaken from his sleep with severe chest pains. He spent the following 13 hours self medicating with A.S.A and vodka. I learned from him later on that day that he would routinely take ASA (a known blood thinner) to ease minor chest pain and that on this occasion he added vodka; neither helped.
He drove himself to his doctor, who promptly called an ambulance. He informed me via cell phone (from the ambulance) while fighting off the paramedics. Lol I met up with him in the cardiac unit at Sunnybrook and he was in great spirits. He was admitted and had a routine procedure two days later. He spent a week in recovery and was released.
While he was in recovery he threatened on a daily basis that he was going to leave and go home because he felt fine. Once he got home his attitude change and he became very depressed…not his style at all. He hardly ate a thing for over a week and complained about back pain constantly….apparently this is all normal.
One night while I was visiting with him he said “I’m ready baci! I’m ready to go out.” He wanted to go to the track the following evening and play the slots.
He had been bugging me to go with him for months prior so I indulged him; I cannot express how grateful I am that I went with him and stoked that off of our out to-do-list. Unfortunately our evening was cut a bit short because his back pain became overwhelming. Shortly after I got him home and a short debate I called him an ambulance; the pain was that bad.
He was administered morphine and they ran a battery of tests…excellent care in this place I might add. Several hours later the doctor returned with distressing news. The tests showed that he had cancer lesions in all of his organs, glands and spinal cord. Lucky for the doctor my father was dosing while he blurted out all of this. I’m implored him not to repeat the news. I told him that he has very little fight left in him and that at the moment he thinks he has a pinched nerve in his back; I would like him to just get through this day! The doctor insisted that it was his right to hear the news. I argued that he was terminal, cannot be treated and that nothing good could come from telling him at this point. The doctor maintained his position. I let him know in so many words that he would soon be a patient himself if he continued….I won the argument. Shortly after my sister arrived and we tucked him into his new bed. He was to undergo more tests in the morning.
I stayed with my mother that night. At 6:45 the next morning I received a call from the hospital. When my father took his morning trip to the washroom he suffered a massive coronary on the way; a blood clot broke free and blocked his Aorta. Several emotions came over me at once. I was partly in shock because this wasn’t expected and partly relieved because I knew of the physical and mental suffering he had ahead of him. The doctor went on to tell me that they were currently attempting to resuscitate him and that they had been doing so for 20 minutes. I couldn’t fucking believe my ears. I hadn’t considered placing a DNR order.
I arrived at the hospital 20 minutes later and they were still trying!!!! Moments later the doctor informed me his vitals looked good…huh?? I bellowed WTF, 40 goddamn minutes, what is it with you guys?? He explained that because it came as such a surprise that they tried extra hard…fair enough. *sigh*
The rest of my family had arrived at this point and we were able to see him. He lay there hyper-ventilating on life support, not what he would have wanted. We had a short visit and met with the doctors to discuss the options. It was the most frustrating conversation I have ever had. I’m prying them to find the quickest most painless way to let him go and they were…..you can guess.
We made our way back and I instructed them to remove the artificial lung. They replaced the tube with an oxygen mask which might as well have been an artificial lung; the flow of oxygen was practically freezing his face, While my family was grouped around him I took a look at the his monitors. His heart rate was at 140 and his blood pressure was through the roof. I got the nurse to explain exactly what all the machines and tubes were doing. Then I inquired about how long he would have without the mask? She said maybe seconds maybe minutes it’s hard to tell.
I walked back in and asked my family to gather closely around him. (I don’t know where the hell I got the courage for this?) I removed the blood pressure band and threw it on the floor; I disconnected all of the IV tubes except for the morphine and threw them to the side; I pulled all of the probes off of his chest; Then finally removed the oxygen mask. At this point alarm bells are ringing and doctors are flying in the room…I sent them away.
Within seconds his breathing regulated, his heart rate dropped to 110 then leveled at 90 and blood pressure leveled off….He started snoring and making sleepy noises.
He was feverish, so I pulled down his covers and fanned him until he cooled off. I moistened his dry lips and put some chap-stick on him. That’s more like it!! We spent several hours with him It became very apparent to me that he had a many hours left so I woke him with a tickle, and whispered in his ear to hold tight for a while and that I would be back soon. I needed a break so I headed to a poker game with some fellow Terbites.
I returned to the hospital and spent some time talking to my dad. His breathing had slowed down substantially and he seemed to be struggling; So I let him know that all his business would be settled, I would look after my mother and that he could leave us when he was ready.
He let go moments later.
I have been afraid of that day for most of my life. I almost lost him to a brain aneurism 23 years ago. Every day after that felt like a gift and I made the most of them. My memories all filled with the usual father son stuff like learning to ride a bike and flying kites etc. The thing that stands out the most for me and makes his passing easier is that he became more of a friend to me and less of a father in the later years; I worked for him, he worked for me, we got drunk together, we played craps together, I bought him a lap dance *grins*, we played Gin rummy together…I never did beat him, and I showed him pictures of sweaty out-of-breath silicon breasted women in my bed. These are just a few of my fond memories and when I couple them with the fact that I had a hand in him passing with dignity it makes tomorrow much easier. I have no regrets.
I miss you dad.
