Harassment - Was I Wrong?

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tottirules

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Nov 16, 2007
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Over the past few years a female coworker and I have exchanged smiles, teasing, very light sexual innuendos to the the point I was beginning to have a "thing" for her. Last year, I even arranged to have regular copies of Victoria's Secrets catalogue sent to her at work.

That led to more joking, teasing. A pain-in-the-ass (actually more like tight-assed) male co-worker knew what I was doing and warned me I was skirting with a sexual harassment charge.

Did not think much of it until she called me last week and asked me to stop the innuendos and word play since it was making her uncomfortable. (The catalogue mailings were cancelled at her request a month or so ago.) She added if I didn't stop, she'd report me to her manager.

Now I'm shattered. I thought we had a pretty good friendship and now this!! Tight-ass said I'm lucky she didn't report me now and I still have my job. He's suggested I stay out of her way. If i have to see her, treat her as any other coworker!!!

Tell me, how could I read her so badly!!! And can we still be friends??:confused:

Totti!!
 
she wanted you to make a move. you didn't. so you went from potential bf to creepy guy.
 
Gona be straight up with you...

the "teasing" and exchanging of smiles is harmless... as is the copies of Victoria's Secret cat's... but that does seem a bit, well, stalkerish?

Not saying you're a stalker, and I know you meant no harm when you did it, but I could see how it could be read wrong.

Its also pretty weird that she went complete 180 on you... Maybe she was just trying to be nice and not hurt your feelings? Maybe you took too long to make a move? Maybe she got a new uptight boyfriend? Who knows.... there could be a variety of reasons.

I would suggest you keep everything professional as its pretty obvious shes not interested in you. As for the pain in the ass coworker... It seems like he was just keeping an eye out for you, or maybe hes interested in her too... either way, look out for yourself and Im sure youll come across someone more worthy

Cheers
 
Two questions...

tottirules said:
Over the past few years a female coworker and I have exchanged smiles, teasing, very light sexual innuendos to the the point I was beginning to have a "thing" for her. Last year, I even arranged to have regular copies of Victoria's Secrets catalogue sent to her at work.

That led to more joking, teasing. A pain-in-the-ass (actually more like tight-assed) male co-worker knew what I was doing and warned me I was skirting with a sexual harassment charge.

Did not think much of it until she called me last week and asked me to stop the innuendos and word play since it was making her uncomfortable. (The catalogue mailings were cancelled at her request a month or so ago.) She added if I didn't stop, she'd report me to her manager.

Now I'm shattered. I thought we had a pretty good friendship and now this!! Tight-ass said I'm lucky she didn't report me now and I still have my job. He's suggested I stay out of her way. If i have to see her, treat her as any other coworker!!!

Tell me, how could I read her so badly!!! And can we still be friends??:confused:

Totti!!
Click to expand...

1) Who started it? No...really...who made the first comment that you would not make to a stranger (or your boss)? My guess is you did...and because she didn't shut you down right then and there, you kept escalating it (the Victoria Secret thing was WAY out of line). By your own admission, you developed a "thing" for her...my guess is that you crossed the line of appropriate for work a LONG time ago, but didn't realize it because you forgot you were at work, and this was not your GF (or your "friend"...ever see her away from the office socially? Speak to her? She isn't your "friend"). She finally had to shut you down cold when you didn't take her hints and kept barrelling for trouble...even though a third party could CLEARLY see that you were out of bounds and even warned you.

2) What were you thinking? Really? Mr. tight ass is dead right - you are lucky to still have a job.

You were out of touch, deluding yourself about the nature of your relationship with this woman. "Shattered"? How can you be "shattered" about having to modify your relationship with someone that you don't HAVE a relationship with? (see question above regarding contact away from work).

Take your buddies advice...and yes, HE is your buddy more than Ms. New Booty ever was, because he warned you and is now giving you good counsel...stay away from the woman. She has made it PLAIN that she doesn't like your advance and that you were never friends. Wake up and stop deluding yourself....

(You didn't get the hint when she cut off the Victoria Secret thing??? Hello???)
 
What does "Sexual Harassment" mean?

"Sexual harassment" means that someone is bothering you by saying or doing unwanted or unwelcome things of a sexual or gender-related nature. For example, someone who makes unwelcome sexual or gender-related remarks and gestures by:

* touching you inappropriately
* making offensive jokes or remarks about women or men
* making sexual requests or suggestions
* staring at or making unwelcome comments about your body
* displaying sexually offensive pictures
* being verbally abusive to you because of your gender

Sexual harassment does not have to be sexual in nature. It can also mean that someone is bothering you simply because you are a man or a woman. Making stereotypes about one gender or the other can be a form of sexual harassment.

Sexual harassment happens most often to women, but it can also happen to men or between members of the same sex. Usually sexual harassment is a pattern of behaviour that happens frequently over a period of time. However, a single incident can be serious enough to be considered harassment as well.
When is it harassment?

Sexual Harassment in Employment and Housing:

* Someone says or does something to you of a sexual nature that you do not welcome. This includes behaviour that a person knows or ought to know you do not welcome.
* Your boss, landlord, or other authority figure uses their position of power to sexually harass you. By being in a vulnerable situation, it is difficult for you to speak out about the situation. The person in authority uses the position to help them get away with unwelcome sexual comments or actions.

Sexual Solicitation or Advance:

* A person suggests that if you become sexually involved with him or her, he or she will give you a better grade or some other type of incentive.

Sexual Harassment and Reprisal:

* A person who has authority or power denies you something important, punishes or threatens you for refusing a sexual request, or for complaining about inappropriate sexual behaviour or comments.

Sexual Harassment and a "Poisoned Environment":

* Sexual harassment can have a bad effect on, or "poison", the places where you live, work or receive services. Even if the harassment is not directed at you, it can still poison the environment for you or others.

How do you know if the environment is poisoned? One way is to look at the effect of negative comments or actions. For instance, if certain sexual or gender-related comments or actions make you or others feel uncomfortable in the workplace or unwilling to return to work, this could indicate that the work environment is poisoned.

Dude, you are guilty as charged. Sorry.
 
tottirules said:
Did not think much of it until she called me last week and asked me to stop the innuendos and word play since it was making her uncomfortable. (The catalogue mailings were cancelled at her request a month or so ago.) She added if I didn't stop, she'd report me to her manager.

Now I'm shattered. I thought we had a pretty good friendship and now this!! Tight-ass said I'm lucky she didn't report me now and I still have my job. He's suggested I stay out of her way. If i have to see her, treat her as any other coworker!!!
Click to expand...

Office romances are always risky especially given the sexual harassment rules. You are now experiencing the downside of that activity in that your actions have resulted in creating an uncomfortable situation and one in which she holds all the power no less.

Sounds like this went on far too long and even if there was an interest something or someone has injected itself into the situation and created a concern on her part. Who knows maybe she has her own 'tight-ass' who has told her that her viewed professionalism is suffering due to this 'not so subtle activity'. Keep in mind that just because you think this is just between you and her the office knows. I recall once 'innocently' asking a woman I was having an affair with if she needed a ride to the subway. She said sure and as we left one of those 'brash say anything' broads stood up and said, "you two could at least try to hide what you're doing." And I thought we had been very careful and quiet but in the end it is very difficult for any office romance to go unnoticed so she may have been told by her manager/friend etc. that it was time to stop this.

Oh and sending her the VS catalog subscription was WAY OVER THE TOP. Dropping off a copy and seeing if she took the hint, ie: she comes back later and points out something in it that she would consider buying and wants your opinion, is one thing but a subscription... STALKER!

However I am sure it still hurts to feel blindsided but take solace in the fact that at least there is no job impact.
 
tottirules said:
Harassment - Was I Wrong?
Click to expand...


Totally wrong. Never take a chance of anything like that in the work place.

The VS catalog was way over the top as others have said too.

So what to do now - Nothing. Don't talk, look, glance at her. If you must speak to her, make sure others are around as witnesses to any conversations. Use formal and professional speech when addressing her etc. You are now on egg-shells buddy because at any moment she can report you.
 
I don't know if you're an immigrant, but you shouldn't do that kind of stuff in North America. From your own description of the events, it sounds like sexual harassment to me. Your'e lucky if you don't get fired. I never flirt with any women at the work place - it's not worth it. I get enough real action from SP's.
 
I bet you if we heard her side of the story it would be 100% different. I bet she was creeped out from the beginning but like most ladies at work was polite to smile etc. She wasn't flirting. She was probably mustering a smile to make the creepy dude go away.

Give your head a shake and what the hell were you thinking sending her a suggestive catalog? What a dick move.

Go to work. Do your work. Go home. It's not a nightclub.
 
There is one part that I am confused about.

In every job that I have ever had, part of the orientation was a review of the harassment policy, and more often than not having to sign it. Companies usually do this to reduce the possibilities of liabilities against them. Did you not have to go through this?
 
kurrupt said:
I bet you if we heard her side of the story it would be 100% different. I bet she was creeped out from the beginning but like most ladies at work was polite to smile etc. She wasn't flirting. She was probably mustering a smile to make the creepy dude go away.

Give your head a shake and what the hell were you thinking sending her a suggestive catalog? What a dick move.

Go to work. Do your work. Go home. It's not a nightclub.
Click to expand...

Straight to the point.

Have you been looking for another job?
 
Never smart to play the sex game at work be it innuendo or full on . However it does take two to Tango and we can only go by your side of the story which says she was a willing participant . For whatever reason she has now clearly informed you that she is no longer a willing participant . Play time is over for you and her so move on . Trying to continue a less than 100% professional relationship with this woman would be wrong and potentially dangerous to your future employment . Once you get charged with sexual harassment you will understand what it means to be truly fucked . In previous positions I've had to accept transferred employees who had successfully defended themselves against sexual harassment charges but the stigma stays with them .

I can understand the frustration if you don't know why she did the 180 but you just need to let it go .
 
"No honey where you get your money"

Words to live by.

If you have ANY further communication with this woman it should be short, polite, and to the point, something like:

"Dear X. Please accept my apologies, it looks like my misreading of the situation has resulted in an unpleasant work life for you. I am mortified. Rest assured that all my future dealings with you will be strictly professional and courteous."

And that's it. Stay away from her after that unless your job requires it.

Do not even ask if you can still be friends: If she wants to have any releationship with you beyond a strictly professional one she will let you know. If she doesn't let you know, the answer is no she does not want to be your friend.
 
Thousand said:
I don't get it. Why did you sent her those Victoria Secret Catalog?
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My thoughts precisely! What kind of a "move" is sending VS catalogs supposed to be? Besides, how does she even know you sent them?! :confused:
 
Buddy, Back Off!!! and be Happy you're still working. A guy I know got fired for cracking a joke with a co worker about her wearing a green bra on St Patricks Day. No Joke.
 
As tempting as it can get if there are attractive single ladies at work, do avoid them at all costs if you care about your career. You never know how women can get nuts anytime. One way to take advantage of the situation is that you can use female co-workers as possible sources of introductions to her friends, assuming that she has some hot ones. That's really as far as you should go next time. Take this incident as a good lesson learned and count your lucky stars things didn't go worse because they could have,.
 
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