Goober (to camera) Hello. (he walks in followed by Superintendent Fang and goes to desk) Mr NiteHwk? You are sole proprietor and owner of the TERB Chocolate Company?
NiteHwk I am.
Goober Superintendent Fang and I are from the hygiene squad.We want to have a word with you about your box of chocolates entitled the TERB Quality Assortment.
NiteHwk Ah, yes.
Goober (producing box of chocolate) If I may begin at the beginning. First there is the Cherry Fondue. This is extremely nasty, but we can't prosecute you for that.
NiteHwk Agreed.
Goober Next we have number four, 'Crunchy Frog'.
NiteHwk An, yes.
Goober Am I right in thinking there's a real frog in here?
NiteHwk Yes. A little one.
Goober What sort of frog?
NiteHwk A dead frog.
Goober Is it cooked?
NiteHwk No.
Goober What, a raw frog?
Superintendent Fang looks increasingly queasy.
NiteHwk We use only the finest baby frogs, dew-picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope, and lovingly frosted with glucose.
Goober That's as may be, but it's still a frog!
NiteHwk What else?
Goober Well don't you even take the bones out?
NiteHwk If we took the bones out it wouldn't be crunchy would it?
Goober Superintendent Fang ate one of those.
Fang Excuse me a moment. (exits hurriedly)
Goober Well, the Superintendent thought it was an almond whirl. People won't expect there to be a frog in there. They're bound to think it's some sort of mock frog.
NiteHwk (insulted) Mock frog? We use no artificial preservatives or additives of any kind!
Goober Nevertheless, I must warn you that in future you should delete the words 'crunchy frog', and replace them with the legend, 'crunchy raw unboned real dead frog' if you want to avoid prosecution.
NiteHwk What about our sales?
Goober I'm not interested in your sales! I have to protect the general public! Now what about this one. (superintendent enters) It was number five, wasn't it? (superintendent nods) Number five Ram's Bladder Cup. (exit superintendent) What sort of confection is this?
NiteHwk We use choicest juicy chunks of fresh Cornish ram's bladder, emptied, steamed, flavoured with sesame seeds, whipped into a fondue and garnished with lark's vomit.
Goober Larks vomit?
NiteHwk Correct.
Goober Well it don't say nothing about that here.
NiteHwk Oh yes it does, on the bottom of the box, after monosodium glutamate.
Goober (looking) Wel I hardly think this is good enough. I think it's be more appropriate if the box bore a great red label warning lark's vomit.
NiteHwk Our sales would plummet!
Goober Well why don't you move into more conventional areas of confectionary, like praline or lime cream; a very popular flavor, I'm lead to understand. (superintendent enters) I mean look at this one 'cockroach cluster', (superintendent exits) anthrax ripple! What's this one: 'spring surprise'?
NiteHwk Ah - now, that's our speciality - covered with darkest creamy chocolate. When you pop it into your mouth steel bolts spring out and plunge straight through both cheeks.
Goober Well where's the pleasure in that? If people place a nice chocky in their mouth, they don't want their cheeks pierced. In any case this is an inadequate description of the sweetmeat. I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station.
NiteHwk (getting up from the desk and being led away) It's a fair cop.
Goober Stop talking to the camera.
NiteHwk I'm sorry.
Oh, wait, you said fog....