do you like my writting?

Yoga Face

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Jun 30, 2009
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After a deep rain, the shallow stream runs brown and noisy over the pebbles. A thicket of scrub trees and thorn bushes, along with tree stumps and glacial rocks pulled from the ancient till by my hearty ancestors, embrace the ditch's journey until it splashes the farm waters into Lake Gitchigumi. The waters journey through the Great Lakes' basin, over the Falls of Niagara, then into the St Lawrence river. Each drop reaching the ocean after a thousand year journey. Then, against all probabilities, a drop returns to renourish the same land. It is here, by the stream that drains our ancestral land, that I would contemplate such deep matters as we crawled on our hands and knees as children, like grazing cattle, eating the wild strawberries as the scent of the freshly cut sweet grass swirled into our nostrils. It is here, we would build a fire and create magical stories about where our fire shadows went after they became lost into the night as the phases of the moon brushed amber into the water that ran dark. As the spruce trees shadowed blackly against the sky, we listened for the call of the barn owl and we howled at the full moon then quietly listened for the plaintive response of the shy timber wolf. And it is here, that me and my brother entered into our long silence.


The middle of the story, which is unwritten, has me and my brother fight to near death

we go years without speaking then he dies in an accident



Time changes our memories. Perhaps our subconsciousness deceives us for our own mental health. Perhaps we just become wiser. For whatever reason, I now think of him differently. As someone who could only be what he was. He was someone who instinctively understood social pressures to be tough, to be a leader, in order to get respect from his peers. We were similar in a way we could not understand. I could not stop enjoying the sounds of nature, the sweetness of the strawberries, the eternal mystery of the night sky and how it made me feel small yet a part of some eternal design. My brother had to be who he was. He was the howl of the timber wolf that I harkened to from a distance far, far away.
 
I like it! You made me see without using my eyes. You have a talent
 
You are a brave soul to invite literary criticism in an environment notorious for slings and arrows.

Good luck as you midwife this tale to life.
 
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Take a creative writing class. You are clearly interested. If it is something you really want to do, I would suggest getting more formal feedback to help you perfect your voice.

Probably not a bad way to meet some girls, now that I think about it.
 
as Fuji says you should look into taking a creative writing class. it's good, it's dense, I wonder if you could keep it up for 250 pages? or is it a short story you're aiming at? in any case, it has solid potential.

please have a mod edit the heading though :)
 
You are a brave soul to invite literary criticism in an environment notorious for slings and arrows. Good luck as you midwife this tale to life.

Nah, man. This is the best place to be and get creative...there is something raw here we don't get in real life...one can get many inspirations here. Take advantage of both and turn them for your own benefit. Actually, I feel quite the opposite of what you said and people welcome things like this here as it's a nice change plus contributes to the growth of this place. Without the hater comments, the compliments would not mean as much!!!
 
I appreciate the comments

I am using it as a challenge to write descriptive prose

I feel beautiful prose is one element of good writing

The most important talent though is to make people want to read the story otherwise all is for naught


Personally, I think it is overwritten
 
as Fuji says you should look into taking a creative writing class. it's good, it's dense, I wonder if you could keep it up for 250 pages? or is it a short story you're aiming at? in any case, it has solid potential.

please have a mod edit the heading though :)


short story

can i keep the density up ??? The better question is should I? Too much density will discouage a reader

I feel density should come in spurts

But as to the question"Can I" the answer is it is a matter of time

A published short story takes months, or even years, of re writing and outside critical analysis

Shakespeare might off knocked of great writing in a weekend but for the rest of us mere mortals .....
 
A bit over descriptive for my personal tastes, but I find most Canadian writing and prose is. Overall, I love some of your less common word usage (thicket for example).

short story

can i keep the density up ??? The better question is should I? Too much density will discouage a reader

I feel density should come in spurts

But as to the question"Can I" the answer is it is a matter of time

A published short story takes months, or even years, of re writing and outside critical analysis

Shakespeare might off knocked of great writing in a weekend but for the rest of us mere mortals .....
 
Yoga, baby. Too many adjectives!

Just in the first couple of sentences, look at all the adjectives, or nouns used adjectivally:
After a deep rain, the shallow stream runs brown and noisy over the pebbles. A thicket of scrub trees and thorn bushes, along with tree stumps and glacial rocks pulled from the ancient till by my hearty ancestors, embrace the ditch's journey until it splashes the farm waters into Lake Gitchigumi.

That is too many. Adjectives make your story flabby and (dare I say?) boring.

You are not alone, of course. Lots of academic/ technical writers have that same fault. They love to write, "The contaminants undergo off-site migration" instead of "The contaminants leak away." Presumably, in their case, that they think they sound more learned -- but it just makes them look amateurish.

Never put the thrust of the sentence into an adjective. If you have a point worth making, contrive to say it with a verb. That way, you might be able to keep the number of adjectives down to say two or three per page, which is ok.

I like your image about the ditch going on a journey through the trees. Being able to think up images like that bodes very well. But the sentence is far, far too complex. The lovely image is buried too deep, and is lost.

Simple sentences -- subject verb, predicate. Write your story out in simple sentences first. Then, after the whole story is in place, go back and add your variety and embellishments. No adjectives!
 
Yoga, baby. Too many adjectives!

Just in the first couple of sentences, look at all the adjectives, or nouns used adjectivally:
After a deep rain, the shallow stream runs brown and noisy over the pebbles. A thicket of scrub trees and thorn bushes, along with tree stumps and glacial rocks pulled from the ancient till by my hearty ancestors, embrace the ditch's journey until it splashes the farm waters into Lake Gitchigumi.

That is too many. Adjectives make your story flabby and (dare I say?) boring.

You are not alone, of course. Lots of academic/ technical writers have that same fault. They love to write, "The contaminants undergo off-site migration" instead of "The contaminants leak away." Presumably, in their case, that they think they sound more learned -- but it just makes them look amateurish.

Never put the thrust of the sentence into an adjective. If you have a point worth making, contrive to say it with a verb. That way, you might be able to keep the number of adjectives down to say two or three per page, which is ok.

I like your image about the ditch going on a journey through the trees. Being able to think up images like that bodes very well. But the sentence is far, far too complex. The lovely image is buried too deep, and is lost.

Simple sentences -- subject verb, predicate. Write your story out in simple sentences first. Then, after the whole story is in place, go back and add your variety and embellishments. No adjectives!

i agree

thx
 
Write how you feel when it comes to you because you can always edit later. Which you will probably be doing a lot of lol

Also, for me at least, I get caught up with the adjectives and lose sight of what I really want to say. Albeit, I'm no writer by any stretch of the imagination.
 
Write how you feel when it comes to you because you can always edit later. Which you will probably be doing a lot of lol

Also, for me at least, I get caught up with the adjectives and lose sight of what I really want to say. Albeit, I'm no writer by any stretch of the imagination.

agree

first draught just write and write

in my first draft i see 2 common first draft blunders

too wordy and too much exposition

needs dialogue and action

one thing i have done well, i think, is establish conflict

why have me and my brother gone into a silence and what will be the result?
 
Not bad. A bit overboard on description though. Now would be an excellent time to insert some fighting robots into the plot.