Divorce

[bourne78]

HI all

Need some advice... I'm sure everyone has a lot of life lessons to offer.

Things aren't going so great with the wife. Lots of discussions about divorce.

I don't want to. However... it's just not a happy household anymore. Can't make her happy. Can't buy her expensive luxury items. She doesn't want sex. Just wants to shop, gossip, and spend money.

My question's are...

Is there life after divorce? I have 3 kids. Can we survive this financial turmoil? She stopped working due to the kids. I'm 40 and have a steady great paying job. I am fearful of the road that lies ahead. Time without my children. Support payments. What should I do?

 

[kstanb]

how old are your kids? can you keep the fake marriage until they are at least teens?

 

[Butler1000]

Get the best damn lawyer you can afford. Try to hold things together until the kids are past support age. Do not trust her to play fair. Keep her talking while you get your ducks in a row. Do not move out. Your lawyer will explain.


Good luck

 

[freedom3]

HI all

Need some advice... I'm sure everyone has a lot of life lessons to offer.

Things aren't going so great with the wife. Lots of discussions about divorce.

I don't want to. However... it's just not a happy household anymore. Can't make her happy. Can't buy her expensive luxury items. She doesn't want sex. Just wants to shop, gossip, and spend money.

My question's are...

Is there life after divorce? I have 3 kids. Can we survive this financial turmoil? She stopped working due to the kids. I'm 40 and have a steady great paying job. I am fearful of the road that lies ahead. Time without my children. Support payments. What should I do?

The best thing to do is to quit your job. Don't threaten to quit. Just quit (because of, ie. depression). Or better yet, get fired.

The key to understanding women after marriage and kids is realizing that she now has to deal with the big question in her life: "What do I need him for? If we divorce, I get the kids, house, and cheques for life!" Before marriage, she was very attracted to you because of your economic power. (Do you remember the sex back then?) But, because you got married without a prenup, your economic power is now hers and so she has lost her attraction for you. At this point, your salvation is to make it clear that there will be no big cash payment on a divorce. All of a sudden you will go from being the household idiot to a valued member of the household because everyone will want you to get back to work. Don't do it. From now on: She works and you are staying home with the kids.

You're welcome.

 

[rgkv]

Divorce will not come first.. legal separation will and at that time support will be finalized, children only play part of it,, My ex and I had none.. I have been paying spousal support for 14 years now... Depends on who makes the most

 

[bazokajoe]

Sounds like you will be living in a cardboard box under the Gardner soon.No matter what,she will win big time.Be prepared for a huge financial hit.
She doesn't work,you have a couple of kids,most likely she will get the house(which you will keep paying for) because she will get full custody of the kids.

This is why I will always be single and wear a condom.A wife and kids will not improve the quality of my life,so why bother.

 

[black booty lover]

This is why I will always be single and wear a condom.A wife and kids will not improve the quality of my life,so why bother.

When I was in my 30's and most of my friends started getting married, I felt pressure to try and find someone to get hitched so I didn't feel left out. Despite the pressure, I was never willing to settle and just never found the right match. (Actually I did but she was an SP..lol) After seeing some of my friends go through terrible divorces, and the rest complaining all the time about wives bitching at them and having to take care kids, I'm glad things worked out the way they did for me. Being single just suites my lifestyle. (not trying to rub this in the OP's face, just mentioned it incase any of the younger dudes on here feel pressure about getting married, not all it's cracked up to be)

 

[wickman12]

You need legal advice. You aren't going to disclose all your facts and numbers here so we won't know what's best to do, plus we aren't all family lawyers. Good luck!

 

[bazokajoe]

When I was in my 30's and most of my friends started getting married, I felt pressure to try and find someone to get hitched so I didn't feel left out. Despite the pressure, I was never willing to settle and just never found the right match. (Actually I did but she was an SP..lol) After seeing some of my friends go through terrible divorces, and the rest complaining all the time about wives bitching at them and having to take care kids, I'm glad things worked out the way they did for me. Being single just suites my lifestyle. (not trying to rub this in the OP's face, just mentioned it incase any of the younger dudes on here feel pressure about getting married, not all it's cracked up to be)

Amen!

 

[rgkv]

Amen!

double amen

 

[spaman]

i kicked my wife out when my daughter was 4. I was not deceitful or mean. i did not try to hide anything. i asked her to get someone to assess the house, she did, simply subtracted that number from what was owing on the house. i wrote her a check for the difference. We, at the dinning room table, discussed and agreed upon custody of our daughter and child care payments i would make to her in lo of the fact that she would only be with her mother 2 days a week. The important thing is that we (my ex and i) did this in a mature and fair way with out the help of lawyers. We only asked the lawyers to draw it up exactly as we had agreed to and 7 years later I am happily remarried and have a very well balanced 11 year old girl. It wasn't cheap and it wasn't easy but it is possible.
Good luck

 

[Catherine St.Claire]

First and foremost there needs to be an honest discussion and assessment of the situation which can be a challenge if emotions are running high. Ask around for referrals to a good family lawyer then ask when you book the initial appointment if they have family therapists they work with. Only retain a lawyer that recommends a therapist. If they don't require it, it means they like the fight and will encourage an extended, messy and very expensive legal battle that benefit no one but them. Then go and meet a couple of the therapists. It's important that a therapist specializes in separation/divorce preparations. You and your wife both need to be comfortable with this person. This goes a long way towards a more reasonable and responsible path forward, regardless of what it is. Investing in opening up the lines of authentic communication can completely change the tone of a separation. It will give you both an opportunity to clarify what is the best next steps for the family, not the individuals in it. If she won't go to therapy, then you go alone. Family lawyers have a long list of good therapists and ethical lawyers actually prefer it when their clients go there first. These therapists normally don't do couples therapy per say, they specialize in helping facilitate healthy paths forward for separation and they will have some insight on how to determine if divorce is imminent or if there is the potential for a reconciliation. If they think the relationship is salvageable, they can recommend someone to help with it. The important thing is to just breathe and don't react. Stay open to options as there are several.

The one option I've seen work is this one. It's a trial "breathing room" arrangement that establishes a small second residence close to the primary residence that you each alternate staying in a week at a time. Both of you keep your things there, it isn't hers or yours. It isn't one of you moving out, it's simply an opportunity to create some much needed space to clear ones head which is a process and doesn't happen in a weekend away. I've seen it often head off a divorce if one of the spouses simply needs to breathe. This arrangement protects the children from being uprooted and gives both of you time to breath and to think without losing touch with your children or your life as you know it. You must approach it in a non judgement way concerning her behaviour, it sounds to me like she's lost touch with herself and perhaps the reality of either living alone or alone with the children will trigger a reconnection within. The key to this being successful is that she understands this is to give both of you room and time to evaluate what you both want as individuals and as a family. It gives you both time to get very clear on the kind of life you want for yourself and your children and the arrangement gives you both a taste of what it will be like if you do divorce. It's important that she knows it isn't a strategic move to undermine her either financially or with the children in future legal proceedings.

It's far more common than most people realize to have a mother who struggles with undiagnosed low level post partem depression that doesn't go away and continues to manifest as the years go on in unhealthy ways. If this has contributed to your situation the key is to move past the fighting and get her to start having a conversation (and treatment if possible, take a peek at www.reset.me for alternatives to traditional therapy). It's scary but know there is a path forward, the road is only intimidating because of the uncertainty. There is life after divorce, the children will come thru it as long as they have at least one parent that isn't adversarial. Just trust and you will find your way...

smiles, cat

 

[JackBurton]

You are going to get fucked. Hard. Call these people first: http://equalitycanada.com

Find out what your rights are and fortify your end. Prepare for the worst cause she's going to keep everything and you will be living in a bachelor apt while supporting her for the rest of your life.

The upside is you will save your mental health and you get to date women half her age.

Tread lightly til all your ducks are in a row. Don't put your head in the sand. I lost every single thing I owned in my divorce. The law will be on her side. Try to get everything tight before you file. If you can catch her cheating or on tinder, record what you can. Any advantage you can get will help. Ignore everything Cat says. This is going to be a messy fight with no room for niceties. When you are 60 and still getting fucked by the agreement you will wish you weren't nice.

Don't be "nice". When the realization hits her she will either need to get a job she will fight tooth and nail to have you keep paying for her lifestyle and then it will turn ugly. I like the advice of quitting or getting fired. See if you can line up work to start 6 months later so you can tell her she needs to get a job to support the family.

Most of all find a therapist to talk with. Emotionally it will take a huge toll on your mental health that you can't know beforehand

 

[oldjones]

Only the decision to marry and reproduce is more fraught. You and your wife are assumed to be responsible, intelligent adults who can take care of yourselves (perhaps with help from lawyers) but the kids are not. And after the dust settles, you and she will still be their parents and the only ones they'll ever have.

If you want a happy future and old age, do everything you can to make sure your marriage break-up doesn't become a family break-up. Just because you and she can't see eye to eye or find each other exciting doesn't mean you can't commit to raising three great kids into fine adults together. And nothing in achieving your own (plural) happiness entitles you (plural again) to blight their lives with ongoing bitterness and resentment. Try to find counsellors who can help you past the anger of splitting and moving towards something better for all of you in a new arrangement.

Maybe it wasn't enough to see you through, but what you had was and is still real, even if it has now passed into memory. Don't waste the effort to kill it and risk the collateral damage. Best wishes

 

[Smooth60]

Get a Lawyer!
Do not tell her you have seen one.
Do as your Lawyer says and get prepared. Things like starting a diary to establish time you spend with the kids, your contributions to the household and their well being etc. He will elaborate on this.
Only after you as other say get your ducks in a row, then talk to her about proceeding with shared custody and amicable separation and divorce. If she is amenable then she will need to get her own lawyer and you can proceed down that path. HOWEVER, if she is gotten hold of by friends, family or a lawyer who tells her to screw you , she will go that route which is why you need to be prepared.
The financials like support are out of your control, what you want is time with kids. That is the most important thing and you need to be able to show that you are an active contributor to their well being, hence the diary.
It will hell for a while but eventually you will be better off.

 

[Mr. Piggy]

HI all

Need some advice... I'm sure everyone has a lot of life lessons to offer.

Things aren't going so great with the wife. Lots of discussions about divorce.

I don't want to. However... it's just not a happy household anymore. Can't make her happy. Can't buy her expensive luxury items. She doesn't want sex. Just wants to shop, gossip, and spend money.

My question's are...

Is there life after divorce? I have 3 kids. Can we survive this financial turmoil? She stopped working due to the kids. I'm 40 and have a steady great paying job. I am fearful of the road that lies ahead. Time without my children. Support payments. What should I do?

Are things real bad at home that reaching some kind of agreement is impossible or is she going to be a first class cunt and try to take you for everything she possibly can so you will never have a life. If you two can work something out that would be the better way. Either way you're going to need a lawyer. Better to go with child support because it will end once the kids turn 18. Spousal support could go on forever.
I know a couple of friends that divorced and get along better with their ex now than when married. When I got divorced my ex tried to get $1500 a month spousal support. She ended up getting the house and $800 a month spousal support for 2 years. I was happy with that because I got my life back and it got better.

 

[bourne78]

Thanks for all the advice. Guess I'll have to start recording everything when she's drunk. I'm just trying to figure how to manage everything my life after being financially ruined. How can I afford to live?

She's always threatening me with this. Just hate it. Everytime i put my foot down for some dumbass thing she wants to buy.

I was there when she ran away from home with depression. Helped her thru it. What more can I do? I'm just a observer on terb.. I barely visit an sp.

I just really miss my kids. I spend all my waking hours with them. I don't know if I can live without them.

I shouldn't have gotten married.

Thanks everyone... I try to talk to a lawyer or therapist.

 

[canman1]

Divorce has two areas, one can also be finalized before the other. The financial side is a list of all assets, including pensions. The marital house is considered 50/50. If you can prove what you had entering marriage, that can reduce your current assets. Who ever has the greater total, then has to pay the difference to the other. Liabilities also are offset against assets. You will both probably need new places to live.

Custody can be sole, joint, or none. Depends on the age of the children. If you have sole custody then you do not pay child support. She would have to instead. Joint could mean shared time between you, and only the children's expenses are split by income. Some men do have sole custody. If the children are old enough to decide who they want for sole custody, the court will listen to that. Spousal support can be for a limited time. She has to have time to
re-enter the work force. If you have both spousal and child support, you will take a hefty hit paying it out each month.

I would go for the joint custody, with equal time spent with the children, by both parents. Less financial turmoil and fair to both. Let her start spending the money she earns, while also dealing with expenses of the children.

Get a good lawyer, and find out exactly what your options are.

 

[mynameisearl11]

HI all

Need some advice... I'm sure everyone has a lot of life lessons to offer.

Things aren't going so great with the wife. Lots of discussions about divorce.

I don't want to. However... it's just not a happy household anymore. Can't make her happy. Can't buy her expensive luxury items. She doesn't want sex. Just wants to shop, gossip, and spend money.

My question's are...

Is there life after divorce? I have 3 kids. Can we survive this financial turmoil? She stopped working due to the kids. I'm 40 and have a steady great paying job. I am fearful of the road that lies ahead. Time without my children. Support payments. What should I do?

You are in a controllable environment with your mariage and your kids. You don't want to think of what your life would be like AFTER divorce. The outcomes are uncontrollable so you don't want to go there. I'm in my late 50's and married for 25 years. But,been hobbying for close to 20 years! You are exactly where I was when I was in my 40's. People define this period loosely as middle age crisis. You are probably going through the rough patch now in your life. Not sure how old your wife is but she's probably going through the same thing. Plus, her menopause is fast approaching. Most of us when we're at this stage in our lives we tend to blame others for our problems. So far, you mentioned in your thread that she stopped sex and she appeared to be unhappy in your company. But,she seemed to be ok when it comes to shopping,spending money ect. These are your perception of her. There is something wrong with her now as compared to your earlier marriage. Marriage is like a stock market. It's up and down. And, sometimes you go through a lull or a peaceful periods.
You're mentioned that you are the breadwinner in the family. Since you're bringing home the money and she doesn't; how much RESPECT do you have about her as a housewife? Do you think it's unfair to single you out whether or not you have done your job as a partner? When I was your age I never slowed down with my job so never have time to think of what else had I done wrong other than just work my azz off! So, take time off and do some reflection on your life. I did. I thought my marriage would go over the cliff more than once but I held on to see our 25th anniversary. I changed instead of asking her to change her ways. It is magical when you become a better person or a better man. Your challenge now is similar to mine fifteen years ago. You're in control so you need to challenge yourself how to make the thing works like old again. You need to feel that at least you try hard to bring back the happy times in your marriage before the kids came to your life. You don't want to divorce that means you have to get yourself off the couch and make changes for the better. Whatever you're doing right now with her and her kids is not working the way you wanted. Don't blame her but blame you. If you're a good worker with a good job outside of the house,then you should be doing the same thing at home. The only thing difference is that you don't get pay from home! I suspect that your wife is depressed because she loves...to shopping! You need to be the man of the house for not being down on yourself as well. You need to be strong and to work on your marriage as if you just received a new project at work. Nobody said marriage is easy. You need to work at it just like anything else. I made a committment to change myself for the sake of my marriage and my kids. You can too if you give your marriage another chance. Lastly,focus mostly on the happy times you two had together. For example, keep looking at wedding albums to reinforce your will to make things better in the near future. All of my shared experience won't work IF you're...an azz...! LOL!

 

[spraggamuffin]

As others have suggested, go see a lawyer. Not sure if it's the same in Canada, but my bro in the US had to get a lawyer anyway to file proceedings in court as one could not do this on their own without a lawyer.
My brother had to pay $7000 to both his wife's lawyer as well as his as his wife was not working.
Both lawyers just sat down and had a cup of coffee as they had nothing to do as in the case of spaman, both him and his wife had already agreed upon everything including alimony and who gets the kids etc.
The house was pretty expensive and they decided to sell it and split the money and each bought smaller houses.