Seduction Spa

Condoms :)

J

Jade4u

It's been good to know ya
Aug 8, 2003
7,167
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Only those who met me know
jadeluv.ultraescort.com
Do you know how to reuse a condom?
Turn it inside out and wash the fuck out of it.


What do you call 5 condoms playing metal?
A rubber band.................

[ Editor's note: AAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!! ]


Why did the condom cross the road?
Because it was pissed off.


What do a gay and a bungee jumper have in common?
If the rubber breaks they're both in the shit.


TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Drop Trouser, Sydney 2120.


Dear Mr. Shlypdych,

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and
represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.

Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our Board of
Directors feel that your wearing of our product in advertisements does not
portray a positive romantic image for our product. A loose, baggy and
wrinkled condom is not considered romantic.

We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using poly-grip, but even
then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like
to note however that yours is the first we have seen that looked like a
bicycle grip.

We appreciate your interest and would like to thank you for your time. We
will retain your application for possible future consideration. If by
chance we decide there is a market for mini-condoms we will call you.

We send greetings and sympathy for your lady.


Sincerely,

Dick Burly, President
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.


P.S. Remember our slogans:

Cover your stump before you hump!
Don't be silly, protect your willie!
Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker!
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker!
If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!
 
CONDOMS DEMYSTIFIED


There are basically three kinds of condoms: unlubricated latex,
lubricated latex, and lambskin. The lambskins are no good be-
cause they haven't been proven to be a barrier to infection.
Anyway, they're really made of lambies and that makes us sad,
especially around Easter time. (The real reason we don't like
them is that they actually smell like lamb. One is tempted to
lubricate them with mint jelly.)

There are variations on the basic latex condoms. Some condoms
are prelubricated, with spermicidal jelly, even. Others are not.
Strictly B.Y.O.K.Y.

The strangest variation by far is the ribbed latex condom. Why
are these condoms ribbed? This is supposed to be stimulating?
Should one attempt to play washboard tunes on it? This is just
part of a big problem with condoms. Condoms were, and are, de-
signed by men.


If Girls Designed Condoms ...

What a wonderful world it would be. Skip the ribbing, skip the
lube. If women designed condoms there is no question that they
would be padded.

"But size doesn't matter!" comes a chorus of voices. (The loud-
est voices come from boys who are peeking. Stop that right now.
Turn to the sports page immediately.) Sure *length* doesn't
matter. But give any girl a small dose of truth serum and ask
her about width.

Admit it. If padded condoms were placed on the market, hordes of
screaming women would storm their local druggists and dash out
with tote bags full. Unfortunately, it wouldn't work. After
all, there is that ticklish issue of boy sensitivity, which we
can't overlook, even if we occasionally want to. Padded condoms
would rob boys of the skin-to-skin sensation they already claim
condoms rob them of, and we can't have that.

No, modern women, being kind and sensitive lovers, would
design whisper-soft condoms, completely transparent and micro-
scopically thin. The paisley, rainbow, and floral-print condoms
we designed would be strictly novelty items, kept for special
occasions only. Ditto the condoms with cute sayings: "Hang in
there, baby, Friday's coming"; "My girlfriend went to Florida and
all I got was this lousy condom"; and the classic "I'm with
stupid" (arrow pointing back toward the boy). Other specialty
items would include the male-ego condom, which, like black
olives, come in three sizes: jumbo, colossal, and humongous.
Naughty subversives would enjoy the Karen Finley assortment,
colorful, decorative condoms that turn ordinary penises into
bananas, hotdogs, yams, and more.

But I digress. The best place to buy condoms is your local
massive drugstore that has them on display, self-serve, just like
corn pads or athlete's foot spray.

So go shopping. Dress cool, hold your head high, read labels,
make your selection. Be assured that most popular brands come
with little instruction booklets much like the ones found in
boxes of Tampax (uh oh -- don't mix them up!). While at the
drugstore, be sure to purchase at least one of the following
items: Tickle antiperspirant, Ban Roll-on, or any of the Calvin
Klein line of men's grooming aids. You'll need these for impor-
tant condom experiments at home.

At home, be alone. Light candles. Play inspiring music; any
record by Rick James will do. Remove one of the condoms from its
packet. Examine it carefully. Then put it to work. Experiment
with your slippery new friends; whip those sons-of-gummi-worms
into shape. Recruit those deodorant bottles and practice, prac-
tice, practice.

And how about some new nicknames for the old standbys? Love
skins. Slicks. Wet suits. Silk stockings. Eight-by-two
glossies.

Soon enough, you'll be happy and relaxed, perfectly in control of
those silly little slips o' sin. But wait. Something's missing.
Oh yes, the hard part. I mean the good part. I mean, both.
 
The Condomed Man

It is far, far easier to start them on condoms when the relation-
ship is young. In fact, the condom is a terrific tool of seduc-
tion when you're ready to make the leap between the sheets. Call
that someone on the phone and say to him, casual-like, "I just
bought a new kind of condom and I'm dying to try it out...want to
come over?" Or when out on the town with your paramour, and the
clock on the clubhouse wall says thump thump thump, push that
hunk against the wall and growl, "Listen, buddy. I've got a
condom in my pocket and I'm not afraid to use it. We're going
home."


Welcome To The Safety Patrol

Before you know it, you'll be a veritable connoisseur of condoms.
You'll allow them to drop casually out of your purse in front of
attractive men at cocktail parties. You'll dispense them to
friends, give lessons, perhaps even roll your own. "Oh, handsome
boyfriend," you'll soon sigh, "I've always wanted to see you in
rubber."


And he won't mind one bit.


[ Editor's note: yeah, RIGHT! ]


The following is especially for those of you who doesn't believe
in using a "CONDOM". If you think it is offending, well, don't
think it.



LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS
PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK


1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your
trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!
 
wow.....

This topic of Condoms has been well........covered....in this thread!!!!:)
 
my favorite condoments are the new flavs at walmart LOL

I can turn them into a creamsicle the grape ones are soooooo yummy

the pina colada ones i go insane :eek: LOL
 
Monica went up to the pharmacist and stated,
"I need to buy condoms."

The pharmacist looked up and asked,
"Shall I put it on your bill?"

"No, thanks," Monica responded.
"I prefer to put them on him myself."
 
Two older women are sitting on a bench waiting for a bus.

The first lady takes out a cigarette and starts to smoke. A minute later it begins to rain, so she takes out a condom, cuts off the end, and carefully places it over the cigarette to shield it from the rain.

The second lady looks at that and says,
"That's such a good idea, but what is that plastic thing?"

"It's a condom," The first lady replies.

"Well, where can you buy those?" the second lady asks.

"Um... Most people buy them at pharmacies." the first lady replies.

So the second lady goes to a pharmacy and walks up to the counter.

"Do you guys sell those condom things?" she asks the pharmacist.

"Why yes we do," the pharmacist says a little confused.
"Do you know what size you need?"

So the lady says,
"Well it's got to fit a Camel."
 
I know this one has been done before but thought it suited this thread and may have been missed by someone.

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency.

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.
"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President.

"I do need your help," said Putin.
"Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10' long and 4' in diameter?" said Putin.

"No problem," replied the President and, with that, George Dubya hung up and called the President of condom company.
"I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of condom company.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10' long and 4' wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President.
"Print 'MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL' on each one."
 
Nike Condoms - Just Do It
Secret Condoms - Strong Enough for a Man, But pH Balanced for a Woman
Ford Condoms - The Best Never Rest
Chevy Condoms - Built Like A Rock
Toyota Condoms - Oh What A Feeling
Nissan Condoms - Enjoy The Ride
Pringles Condoms - Once You Pop, You Can't Stop
Lays Condoms - Bet You Can't Have Just One
Campbell Soup Condoms - Mmm, Mmm, Good
Diet Pepsi Condoms - You Got The Right One, Baby
Coca Cola Condoms - Always The Real Thing
KFC Condoms - Finger-Lickin Good
Mentos Condoms - The Freshmaker
Fisher Price Condoms - Oh the possibilities!
Avis - Trying Harder Than Ever
Energizer Condoms - Keeps Going and Going . . .
Flinstones Vitamin Condom Pack - 10 Million Strong and Growing
MacIntosh Condoms - It Does More, It Costs Less, Its That Simple
Microsoft Condoms - Where Do You Want To Go Today?
General Electric Condoms - We Bring Good Things To Life!
Dial - Aren't You Glad You Use It? Don't You Wish Everybody Did?
New York Lotto - Cause Hey - You Never Know
California Lotto - Who's Next?
Clorets Condoms - Where's Yours?
 
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