Chuckles

[thewheelman]

Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, "What are you doing? Isn't it hot enough for you?" The two guys reply, "Well, you know, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh." The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again,"It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"
Again the two guys reply, "Well, like we told ya yesterday,we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold.We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit,eh."
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix
these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The
people are wailing and screaming everywhere.He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds
them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and
drinking beer.
The devil is astonished, "Everyone down here is in abject
misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Canadians reply, "Well, ya know, we don't get too much
warm weather up there in Toronto so we've just got to have a
cook-out when the weather's THIS nice."
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two
Canadians. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!
The devil is dumbfounded, "I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy.What is wrong with you two???"
The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, "Well, don't you
know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Leafs have won the Stanley Cup."

 

[thewheelman]

WORK VS. JAIL

If you ever get these two environments confused, this should make things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON......you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.AT WORK.......you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON......you get three meals a day.
AT WORK.......you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON......you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK.......you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON......the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...... you're often required to carry a security card and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON......you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.......you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON......you get your own toilet.
AT WORK.......you share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON......they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.......you're not supposed to even speak to your family.

IN PRISON......all expenses are paid by the taxpayers.
AT WORK.......you pay all your expenses to get to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON......you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ......you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON. ....you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK.......they're called managers.

 

[Ben Hogan]

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, is taking a stroll down his local high street. As he passes by the record shop, a sign catches his eye. "Just Released - New LP - Wasps of the World & the sounds that they make - available now"

Unable to resist the temptation, Brian goes into the shop.

"I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make. I'd very much like to listen to the new LP you have advertised in the window."

"Certainly, Sir," says the young man behind the counter. "If you'd like to step into the booth and put on the headphones, I'll put the LP on for you."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognized none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir," says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, the world's leading expert on European wasps and the sounds they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones.

Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it," he says, "I am the worlds leading expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognize any of those!"

"I really am terribly sorry," says the young assistant, "I've just realized I was playing you the bee side!"