Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart
while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets
the information he wants.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "F***ing."
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and
Chuck Norris.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes
corn needs to lie the f*** down.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and
instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could
use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of
tennis.
When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck
Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the
third girl he had slept with.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with
lactose's shit.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up; he's
pushing the Earth down.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter
he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard-rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its
neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck,
he taketh away.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather from roundhouse kicks to the face. He
also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo
meat on his back. And he always makes it to Oregon before you.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris
open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and
angrier.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has
missed two.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise,"
and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far
too awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booyah".
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you.
If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from
death.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours.
If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong, my friend.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you
in the face.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris
has not had to pay taxes ever.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high
school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the
referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child.
Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then
proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him
win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a
get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green
number 4 card from Uno.
If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn,
sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the
entire state down.
Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse
every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on
their floor, just because he could. He's Chuck Norris, goddamit.
