This is as diverse of a group that I can think of so I pose this question to you all in hope to resolve an inner conflict that I am having so here goes. Is it a selfish act to try to manifest your own happiness at the expense of another person or persons? More specifically, if you develop feelings for someone in a relationship (not marriage), is it wrong to tell that person if it may cause conflict in their relationship or worse it causes a break-up?? And discuss....
Calling all the Dr Phils on the board
- Thread starter Bluebeam22
- Start date
Yes u are correct I have developed feelings for a friend with SO. I'm not asking how to proceed I'm asking if it's selfish act to try to make yourself happy at the expense of creating unhappiness for another. Clearly the way to proceed is say something or don't, but what I'm asking is it a selfish act to say something.
I'm no Dr Phil but I would suggest that it could be perceived as some what dickish if after your conquest, you drop her after ~ a week.
These are actually two questions:
1) Generally: is it selfish to create your happiness at the expense of someone else?
Quite philosophical here, but I'd suggest the degree of "selfishness" depends on the degrees of unhappiness/happiness you create. Is it selfish to steal bread if you're going into hypoglycemic shock? Yes. The bakery will be mildly unhappy. On the other hand, you were going into a coma and you're very happy for that bread. "Is it morally justifiable?" becomes the question, and I think any reasonable person would agree a small degree of unhappiness (bread theft) to create a large degree of happiness (life saved) is justified.
2) In your case: is it selfish to say something about your feelings while your friend has an SO? Again, I think we can throw the idea of "selfish" out the window, and go with "is it morally justifiable?" again. And that depends on a lot more information. Things like how happy is their relationship, how deep are your feelings, what's the chance of reciprocation, etc. all come into play.
Is it "selfish" if she's been happily married for 10 years, has 3 young kids, a house with him, is financially dependent on him, has never expressed interest in you .... and you kinda like her boobs and want a quick romp? YES, overwhelming so.
Is it "selfish" if she's been seeing him for 3 months, he's abusive, she's unhappy, has flirted with you in the past, stays because she's afraid she'll never find anyone else .... and you love her deeply and want a longterm relationship? NO, not at all.
Id just recently met this girl in the past few weeks and was introduced through my sister-in-law, was extremely interested immediately until I found out about SO and backed off. We have never had any sort of verbal exchanges but have shared plenty of glances that said a lot without saying anything at all. I recently have seen them interact and it appears on the surface to be a typical relationship these days of two people content with each other but afraid they couldn't find anyone else, but that's just my subjective (yet I'm sure biased) view. Clearly there needs to be more information for someone to get a full grasp of this situation but the points you and others have brought forth are much appreciated thx
Yes, it is a purely selfish act. You already say that you know that it is at the expense of another person.
And it is likely futile. except if it is your intention to damage, if not outright ruin the friendship.
You will find that having good friends is far more important than a girlfriend. And you have such an obstacle to overcome even IF she might share feelings for you. But if she doesn't, and you are really her friend, she doesn't have romantic feelings for you and unlike grade school, telling her you "like her" does not automatically make for reciprocal "like". And you risk being deemed creepy.
My advice?
Maintain a foster a real friendship with her. If in time, things change, she may find your arms comforting.
Yes, by definition of the word, it's a selfish act if it's intended"… to make [only] yourself happy at the expense of creating unhappiness for another". Were you imagining it might be considered a generous act?
Considering the value and length of your friendship with the guy whose girl you're considering poaching, it sounds like it might be a shortsighted act as well. Selfishness often works out that way as wise folks from Aesop to my Mom (and maybe yours) have often pointed out.
Try coming up with a way to reveal your warm and loving feelings to everyone involved. That could be a move that might legitimately be called something else.
I maybe could imagine other circumstances in your threesome that might make the act permissible or even — with some stretching — a praiseworthy thing, but as long as you lay it out as you did, it's selfish.
I even go so far as to stop seeing a preferred escort, if I found out she had a SO. Not that I have ever asked. And this happened to me not too long ago. I walked.
It's selfish, but you only have one life.. If you really feel strongly, and you aren't a total psycho who's just invented these feelings because of an "infatuation", then express them to her.. Even if there's only a slim possibility that she'll feel the same way, then it's worth putting yourself out there.. Just don't be a jerk if she doesn't reciprocate..
You barely know her? Damned right is would be selfish and dickish. I mean, if she was the love of your life that you had known for ages, then... well, love trumps all sense and logic. But you just met her and wanna get your wick dipped? It would be an asshole move. The only thing worse than acting on this impulse would be attempting to rationalize it as ANYTHING other than an asshole move.
How old are you guys like 12 years old. Do your mothers know your on this board?
Actually, not really. This isn't a question of selfishness but rather stupidity. No fucking way you should be pursuing anything. You just met her, you don't know if she's interested, you don't know anything about the situation with her partner... nope nope nope.
Ugh, I hate this wording
