Bill Barr Tests Negative for Integrity
By Andy Borowitz
May 8, 2020
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a test result that he called “a tremendous relief,” the Attorney General, Bill Barr, has tested negative for integrity, Barr confirmed on Friday.
Barr submitted to the test after learning that he had come into contact with career Justice Department prosecutors who were found to be integrity carriers.
“When I learned that there were still people at the Justice Department with integrity, I was understandably furious,” Barr told reporters. “I told them to go home at once.”
Barr said that he was putting into place new protocols that would require Justice Department employees to be tested for integrity before entering the building.
“I thought that anyone with integrity had already left the Justice Department, but apparently I was mistaken,” he said. “It’s better to be safe than sorry.”
Although he was elated to learn that he had tested negative for integrity, Barr said that he shuddered to think how close he came to contracting the dreaded virtue.
“Having integrity would have made it impossible for me to work for President Trump,” he said.
By Andy Borowitz
May 8, 2020
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a test result that he called “a tremendous relief,” the Attorney General, Bill Barr, has tested negative for integrity, Barr confirmed on Friday.
Barr submitted to the test after learning that he had come into contact with career Justice Department prosecutors who were found to be integrity carriers.
“When I learned that there were still people at the Justice Department with integrity, I was understandably furious,” Barr told reporters. “I told them to go home at once.”
Barr said that he was putting into place new protocols that would require Justice Department employees to be tested for integrity before entering the building.
“I thought that anyone with integrity had already left the Justice Department, but apparently I was mistaken,” he said. “It’s better to be safe than sorry.”
Although he was elated to learn that he had tested negative for integrity, Barr said that he shuddered to think how close he came to contracting the dreaded virtue.
“Having integrity would have made it impossible for me to work for President Trump,” he said.
