A Very Serious Question

[shoeguy]

Hey All,
I am in a VERY BIG PICKLE. And I would never post something this personal, if I didn't need an un-biased opinion. Already consulted with family and close friends...

The back story:
6, almost 7 years ago my wife experienced severe postnatal depression. To the point where she didn't even touch my daughter for the first 2 years of her life. We divorced shortly after, as she put it, she can't deal with "the" kid.

My daughter has seen her mum, maybe 3 times in the recent 4 years, until she moved to Europe. Wanting to visit with her mum, we had planned a 2 week vacation to the UK, 1 week to do fun tourist things and a week to spend with her mum, as my daughter is turning 7. We are to leave on August 5th.

I received a call last night saying not to bother visiting. She doesn't want to see "the" kid.

So: How do I tell a 6 year old, her mother wants nothing to do with her? Should we still vacation in Europe? Or vacation elsewhere?

I don't know what to do?

 

[papasmerf]

Take the time and spend it with your daughter.

Tell her the truth mommy is sick and can not meet us.

BUT make sure you invite the X to dinner at a minimum.

ALSO you might want to consider counseling for your daughter.

 

[new36jack]

I agree, spend it with your daughter. There is something to be said about a parent doing whatever he/she can without the other. Maybe her Mom will come around....good on you to raise your daughter!

 

[Aardvark154]

My heart goes out to your daughter and you.

I'm not really sure what constructive advice I can give. Do psychologists and/or psychiatrists hold out any hope of your ex-wife changing her attitude? For me that would greatly affect what I'd do.

 

[nlt76]

eesh. what about saying she's sick and may not be better for a few weeks?

at some point you have to tell your daughter something closer to reality, but, at age 6.. ?

 

[aabbaa1975]

That is really tough! Agree withthe other posters and say that you should spend some time with your daughter. In time she will come to understand your situation and appreciate you that much more!

 

[moresex4me]

She's obviously sick, just not in a way that can be treated with surgery or a pill. So say just that to your daughter. She's sick and can't see you. Continue the trip unless you can get out of it easily, in which case I'd take her to Disney World instead (more of a kid trip).

That sucks. As a recent father, I can't really understand it. I want to be with my kids as much as possible and could never push them away like that. Just be the best father you can be!

 

[shoeguy]

I would of course do nothing less than spend our vacation together. BUT, I've been saying mummy's sick for years. It makes me sick to have to keep telling her that, of course I can't tell her the truth, that would be heartbreaking. I'm just looking for an alternative view.

Aardvark154:
The doctors tell me that there really isn't anything they can do, something about the way her "maternal instincts" are "wired" incorrectly.

 

[Mongrel4u]

What in the Sam Hell is wrong with your ex wife...shes horrible....this is more than a post partem depression now...6years? it doesnt last that long does it?

Let this be a lesson to you Shoeguy.... No you dont want to be the one that stands in the way of a daughter and her mother...but DONT get involved. Let your ex wife destroy her relationship with your daughter and let you daughter see for herself. If your ex wants to see the daughter she can come here to see her and she can organize it with your daughter (with you aprised of the plans of course). This way if you're ex wife wants to bail on her...SHE can explain it.... and you can be there to show your daughter who really loves her when your ex drops the ball.


This time... just tell your daughter that mom is sick and cant see her...and let this be the last time you have to do this.

BUT make it a nice trip for her. The two of you go and have a ball in Europe...spoil your daughter....spoil her rotten.

Youre daughter will grow up to see for herself who did their part and who didnt.

Thats so sad...I could cry for her.


Despite what others will say...you can only do YOUR part brother...You just make sure you do YOUR part very well. You will not be able to pick up the slack for your wife so dont even waste energy trying it.

 

[john frankly]

Well this is one touches home for me. I became a single day of my own daughter when she was still in diapers. Her mother did not want to be a parent. So I had a decision to make. I decided to keep my daughter and quite honestly it is the best thing I have ever done. On the down side it has kept me well away from initimacy with woman as a result. Will probably take a very special one to open me up that way to get into a relationship again, would not want to see my daughter hurt again.

On the upside we both have a very strong, open relationship. I think what you need to do is sit down with her and tell her the truth in a gentle way. What important here is your child’s well being, if not explained right to them…they tend to ask what wrong with me.

Tell her the truth gently, and be supportive to her. She will need your hugs and kisses and bring her for a dairy queen…


Been there myself….!

 

[gramage]

I imagine your daughter has been very curious about her mother over the last few years and you've had to come up with some explanations for why she has been so absent, find the best answer within what you've told her for why she wont be able to see her mother, and make the trip through Europe the best you can.

Beyond that, I would try (and you might have done this already) to explain to your daughter that seeing her mother likely wont be a positive thing (she may be too young for this though, a parents judgement will be better then mine.)

My background is not what your going through but I think it's worth bringing up. My parents divorced when I was young (although older then your daughter is now) and they gave the usual really vague answers for what was going on, and neither of my parents ever told me the truth. Now by the time I was 16 through family friends, adults who didn't like my dad, and conversations with my sister who knew some other people telling her things I'd pieced together the truth: Dad bailed for his secretary, and my mother forced him to set up a rouse for us so we wouldn't know (including renting an apartment he claimed to be living in for visits.)

Now obviously I don't blame my parents for never telling me at the time, but the fact that they never told me, and I've never directly addressed the issue with either my mother or my father (we all know that I know but we never talk about it) was very painful for me in my teen years. So I would suggest when you think she is ready (after keeping your stories going through this trip) to be the one to talk to her about it, because if she finds out about her mother the way I found out about my father it will be a lot more painful.

I wish you all the luck in the world with this. You've been put in a very hard situation and it sounds like you are handling it as well as a person can. And as she gets older and understand things better your daughter will appreciate it (like I now do what my mother tried)

 

[moresex4me]

Is it me or is this happening more often? The dad that takes off has been so common it is somewhat of a cliche. But I have been, over the last few years, hearing of more and more moms dashing off, at various ages for the kids, so you can't just blame post-partum depression on it.

Again, I don't get it. Kids will change your lives, but for the better. They are the hardest job you will ever love the most doing, no question.

 

[shoeguy]

What in the Sam Hell is wrong with your ex wife...shes horrible....this is more than a post partem depression now...6years? it doesnt last that long does it?

Let this be a lesson to you Shoeguy.... No you dont want to be the one that stands in the way of a daughter and her mother...but DONT get involved. Let your ex wife destroy her relationship with your daughter and let you daughter see for herself. If your ex wants to see the daughter she can come here to see her and she can organize it with your daughter (with you aprised of the plans of course). This way if you're ex wife wants to bail on her...SHE can explain it.... and you can be there to show your daughter who really loves her when your ex drops the ball.


This time... just tell your daughter that mom is sick and cant see her...and let this be the last time you have to do this.

BUT make it a nice trip for her. The two of you go and have a ball in Europe...spoil your daughter....spoil her rotten.

Youre daughter will grow up to see for herself who did their part and who didnt.

Thats so sad...I could cry for her.


Despite what others will say...you can only do YOUR part brother...You just make sure you do YOUR part very well.

I want my daughter to have a relationship with her mum, I've trying hard to make it happen, but we both just get disappointed in the end. I would never try to be a roadblock to my daughters "reasonable" wishes.

 

[gramage]

I want my daughter to have a relationship with her mum, I've trying hard to make it happen, but we both just get disappointed in the end. I would never try to be a roadblock to my daughters "reasonable" wishes.

While this would be best if her mother would deliver on some level, if she's not going to I don't know that this is the best course of action.

Are your ex's parents involved in your daughters life? depending on their opinions of what going on they might be helpful in explaining to your daughter that mom isn't someone that will be good to her.

 

[Mongrel4u]

I want my daughter to have a relationship with her mum, I've trying hard to make it happen, but we both just get disappointed in the end. I would never try to be a roadblock to my daughters "reasonable" wishes.

Shoeguy I'm not saying that your daughter shouldnt have a relationship with her mother...nor am I saying you should stand in the way...just stand out of it. Your ex's relationship with your daughter is on her not you. That is not your job....and you have no control over that anyways (as it is evident) Dont try to get involved because all you will be is the harbinger of bad news to your daughter and an enabler for your ex's faulty ways. its just a lose lose situation...If I were in your shoes I'd just focus on being the best damn father a girl could have... I wouldnt worry myself with what my ex chooses to do or not do.

 

[squash500]

I would of course do nothing less than spend our vacation together. BUT, I've been saying mummy's sick for years. It makes me sick to have to keep telling her that, of course I can't tell her the truth, that would be heartbreaking. I'm just looking for an alternative view.

Aardvark154:
The doctors tell me that there really isn't anything they can do, something about the way her "maternal instincts" are "wired" incorrectly.

SG thanks for sharing this painful story. Is there anyway you could get a second opinion from either a trained Psychologist or Psychiatrist who specializes in these delicate matters ?

Good luck with everything.

 

[onthebottom]

I would of course do nothing less than spend our vacation together. BUT, I've been saying mummy's sick for years. It makes me sick to have to keep telling her that, of course I can't tell her the truth, that would be heartbreaking. I'm just looking for an alternative view.

Aardvark154:
The doctors tell me that there really isn't anything they can do, something about the way her "maternal instincts" are "wired" incorrectly.

Don't take this the wrong way but I would suggest both you and your daughter go see someone for counseling (different people obviously). Your person will help you with a strategy for dealing with this and your daughters will help her understand there is nothing wrong with her, that it's her mother that has the problem.

I'd treat this VERY seriously and get the best help you can ASAP.

Oh, and cut that bitch off completely.

OTB

 

[fuji]

First some harsh question, sorry just please recognize that there are always two sides to every story and we are only getting your side. Also worth your sitting down and giving some hard thought to as well just in case it never really crossed your mind:

Do you come with the package? Is it possible that your wife is refusing to see YOU, and not the daughter? Are you using your daughter to get to your ex-wife somehow? Could your daughter spend the week with your ex-wife, but without you?

Assuming you have offered to let your ex-wife spend time alone with her daughter...

If she really is that sick, if she really honestly can't stand the daughter, and it has nothing to do with you, then you are almost better off telling your daughter that her mom is dead.

Almost.

In reality that would be used against you severely if the mother ever changed her mind, and some day the daughter will get angry at you when she learns the truth--so ultimately I agree with the other posters, tell your daughter the truth.

Do make it the truth.

If the truth is it's because your ex-wife can't stand YOU and thinks any time spent with the daughter will mean having to put up with YOU, then tell the daughter that.

If the truth is she just can't stand being a mother, then find some way to tell your daughter that too.

Next....

Is there a grandmother around on the mothers side? At least she could have some connection to that side of her family through a grandmother, aunt, or some such. Are they speaking with you? What's their advice? It's THEIR daughter so the mom might have spoken more openly/honestly with them about it, and THEIR grand-daughter...

 

[tboy]

I want my daughter to have a relationship with her mum, I've trying hard to make it happen, but we both just get disappointed in the end. I would never try to be a roadblock to my daughters "reasonable" wishes.

I have to ask: why do YOU want her to have a relationship with her mother? Especially when her mother obviously wants nothing to do with your daughter?

With her obvious illness why on earth would you want to expose her to something like that? it would be far far better to "not have a mother" than to be forced to deal with one who basically disowned her.

I dont' have any kids (thank god) but I see so many parents making what I consider DUMB decisions and trying to force the issue is one of them.

If I were you I'd create and or maintain a great household and nuturing environment for your daughter, raise her to the best of YOUR abilities, teach her to love and be loved and when she's old enough, sit down and try to explain to her her mother's illness. (because only a callous sick fuck would turn their back on their child).

I wouldn't even BOTHER trying to schedule any meetings. I can tell you this: looking forward to seeing her mother then having it cancelled at the last minute is far worse than simply never seeing her. That will only teach her to be disappointed always......

 

[shoeguy]

I have to ask: why do YOU want her to have a relationship with her mother? Especially when her mother obviously wants nothing to do with your daughter?

With her obvious illness why on earth would you want to expose her to something like that? it would be far far better to "not have a mother" than to be forced to deal with one who basically disowned her.

I dont' have any kids (thank god) but I see so many parents making what I consider DUMB decisions and trying to force the issue is one of them.

If I were you I'd create and or maintain a great household and nuturing environment for your daughter, raise her to the best of YOUR abilities, teach her to love and be loved and when she's old enough, sit down and try to explain to her her mother's illness. (because only a callous sick fuck would turn their back on their child).

I wouldn't even BOTHER trying to schedule any meetings. I can tell you this: looking forward to seeing her mother then having it cancelled at the last minute is far worse than simply never seeing her. That will only teach her to be disappointed always......

I want them to have a relationship because my daughter wants desperately to have one with her. One of her friends asked my daughter why her mum doesn't come to pick her up, and then proceeded to ask if her mum was a drug addict! For crying out loud, these are 6 year olds, how do they know about drug addicts?... Fact remains, it's a double edged sword, I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't.