a bad situation which needs a resolution...help

[RTRD]

And I...

While I can appreciate your comments, and he obviously does feel obligated to tell his friend and of course thats his decision, but I think its wrong to say that Gavin will have no responsibility for his message. Bud Plug is right in that Gavin has chosen to intervene and deliver this message, so he bears responsibility for the impact on his friend. which is different than whether he should or should not tell.

I also wonder whether his friend knows about the situation, had reconciled with his fiance and will now be upset that others know about it. ie loss of face.

...disagree with you as well.

No one owns anyone else feelings, actions, reactions, etc. On the assumption that:

a) Gavin does not have ill intent.

b) This friend is in fact a GOOD friend (something I have offered as a qualifier all along...and stated that I would not tell a person who I did not consider a GOOD friend...for me that would be 1 of 3 guys)

c) He sincerely believes that his friend would want to know, a belief based on knowing that friend well

...Gavin would be doing the right thing by his friend by telling him. What his friend THEN decides to do with that information, or how he feels about it when he hears it, is not Gavin responsibility.

And...I will AGAIN point out that his friend WANTING to know and being happy he now knows are not the same thing. No one would WANT to hear they have 3 months to live. Everyone (with sense) would want to be told. What you do after you receive that news is not the doctors responsibility.

I cannot imagine how mad I would be if a friend of mine knew my fiancee was fucking around and had decided to not tell me, hence allowing me to make a legal, emotional, and financial commitment on the order of marriage without full disclosure of this relevant piece of information.

I honestly would be more mad at him than her. She is clearly a bitch...I just didn't know it (thanks to him). He is supposed to be MY FRIEND (and the guess here is that I would have known and been through a lot more with him than her).

Some friends you guys are...shit.

 

[red]

...disagree with you as well.

No one owns anyone else feelings, actions, reactions, etc. On the assumption that:

a) Gavin does not have ill intent.

b) This friend is in fact a GOOD friend (something I have offered as a qualifier all along...and stated that I would not tell a person who I did not consider a GOOD friend...for me that would be 1 of 3 guys)

c) He sincerely believes that his friend would want to know, a belief based on knowing that friend well

...Gavin would be doing the right thing by his friend by telling him. What his friend THEN decides to do with that information, or how he feels about it when he hears it, is not Gavin responsibility.

And...I will AGAIN point out that his friend WANTING to know and being happy he now knows are not the same thing. No one would WANT to hear they have 3 months to live. Everyone (with sense) would want to be told. What you do after you receive that news is not the doctors responsibility.

I cannot imagine how mad I would be if a friend of mine knew my fiancee was fucking around and had decided to not tell me, hence allowing me to make a legal, emotional, and financial commitment on the order of marriage without full disclosure of this relevant piece of information.

I honestly would be more mad at him than her. She is clearly a bitch...I just didn't know it (thanks to him). He is supposed to be MY FRIEND (and the guess here is that I would have known and been through a lot more with him than her).

Some friends you guys are...shit.

whether he feels he should or should not tell the guy, by choosing to tell he bears responsibility for delivering the message.

 

[RTRD]

And again...

whether he feels he should or should not tell the guy, by choosing to tell he bears responsibility for delivering the message.

.. I disagree.

But then I have always been a self empowerment / self determination type of guy.

There is simply no way you will EVER get me to agree that I am responsible for the actions and decisions of another mature individual....and I would never expect anyone to be responsible or accountable for the decisions *I* make and the actions *I* take.

 

[red]

.. I disagree.

But then I have always been a self empowerment / self determination type of guy.

There is simply no way you will EVER get me to agree that I am responsible for the actions and decisions of another mature individual....and I would never expect anyone to be responsible or accountable for the decisions *I* make and the actions *I* take.

sure, but you are responsible for your actions i.e. telling him.

 

[RTRD]

Of course...

sure, but you are responsible for your actions i.e. telling him.

...but I am not responsible for HIS actions.

So...if the conditions I laid out are indeed intact, then my responsibility ended when I delivered the message. What HE does with the information or as a result is not my responsibility.

The implication seems to me from "you guys" that if he dumps the girl because I told him she is a tramp, then it is my fault. Not buying it.

Now...if the conditions I laid out were not met, then you could question my motivations for telling him...and can then perhaps analysis my culpability for the events there after.

But if my motivation is simply that I sincerely believe he would want to know...then it ends for me when I have fulfilled my obligation as a friend to tell him.

 

[Sasha Jones]

Call me nosy but I am really curious to hear what the outcome of the 'conversation' was on Friday night, or if it even happened.

 

[syn]

i am curious as well ...

syn

 

[Top Northerner]

To sum up, the only good advice is to say nothing. Telling the friend "to save him the heartache" sounds nice, but in reality just amounts to trying to "look good" without regard for the reality we all implicitly acknowledge in connection with sexual relationships.

Bullshit! I expect honesty from a friend and I guarantee it. I was in a horrible relationship for 10 years and not a one of my friends asked me what I was doing in it. After it broke up they all told me they couldn't understand what I was doing. I told each one they were assholes for not telling me. They could have saved me heartache and money, and not to mention ten years during which I could have actually been happy. (I know I am responsible for my own decisions but sometimes an external view helps).

Since that time I always tell a good friend what I think about anything, including their choices of women or any other thing for that matter. I rest easy and I have found that my honesty is well received. If not well received I understand that there can be consequences but I am prepared to accept them. Honesty works.

Finally, would I want to know? Hell yes. So I would tell in a heartbeat.