Indulge in Toronto, continue to work on marriage or both?

Newjackoff24 · Jul 2, 2026

Hello, looking for some advice. I realize I could hire a therapist (and I have spoken to one) but I bet there are some people here in similar circumstances so I'm curious about what you all may think about my options.

I'm a married man in his late 40s, my wife is a good person but she admits her priorities during our marriage aren't what they should have been. She's a very conservative Catholic and she spent last 10 years focusing on everything but me (kids, church ministry, school and her friends). By way of example, she chose to spend our 25th anniversary overseas-- without me. We have uncreative sex every 2 to 3 weeks over last 20 plus years, and I finally had enough. I finally told her I jack off to porn frequently but that my preference would be for us to better connect in and outside the bedroom.

We have had a lot of talks and since then, and I think we have made strides (like reading erotic stories, erotic role playing, she jacks me off to pictures of sexy women, and we get away at least once a month together). We were much better for a time but the last few months it's fizzled. She rarely takes any initiative for sex or just spending time together as a couple or to continue what we started.

When she was overseas two years ago during our 25th, I planned a sex vacation in Toronto. Tickets, hotel and a list of female masseuses I was going to hire in addition to visiting a sex club. I cancelled my trip last minute to instead work on our marriage. But I could have gone wild if I wanted to. Well, I have another trip that I could take a detour in Toronto and I'm debating whether I should fulfill my earlier desires. I don't want to have sex with other women (I'm serious, I don't) but I'm very happy to do a lot of other things like visiting a sex club and just watching all the glorious fucking and also go to an erotic massage and just jack off to my hearts content. I won't get many chances for a cover story so if I'm going to be stuck in a marital rut, I want to take advantage of this Toronto opportunity.

Or I could instead go back to the drawing board (again) and see if I can our relationship back on track. I mean, when I think about some of the erotic things we have done in the last 2 years as compared to last 20 or so, it's pretty impressive. I'm proud of that. And her. But I feel like it could all fall apart and sometimes I'm tired of being the only one to pursue and prioritize our relationship

Or, heck I just do both.

Thoughts?

jeff2 · Jul 2, 2026

Newjackoff24 said:
Hello, looking for some advice. I realize I could hire a therapist (and I have spoken to one) but I bet there are some people here in similar circumstances so I'm curious about what you all may think about my options.

I'm a married man in his late 40s, my wife is a good person but she admits her priorities during our marriage aren't what they should have been. She's a very conservative Catholic and she spent last 10 years focusing on everything but me (kids, church ministry, school and her friends). By way of example, she chose to spend our 25th anniversary overseas-- without me. We have uncreative sex every 2 to 3 weeks over last 20 plus years, and I finally had enough. I finally told her I jack off to porn frequently but that my preference would be for us to better connect in and outside the bedroom.

We have had a lot of talks and since then, and I think we have made strides (like reading erotic stories, erotic role playing, she jacks me off to pictures of sexy women, and we get away at least once a month together). We were much better for a time but the last few months it's fizzled. She rarely takes any initiative for sex or just spending time together as a couple or to continue what we started.

When she was overseas two years ago during our 25th, I planned a sex vacation in Toronto. Tickets, hotel and a list of female masseuses I was going to hire in addition to visiting a sex club. I cancelled my trip last minute to instead work on our marriage. But I could have gone wild if I wanted to. Well, I have another trip in a month that I could take a detour in Toronto and I'm debating whether I should fulfill my earlier desires. I don't want to have sex with other women (I'm serious, I don't) but I'm very happy to do a lot of other things like visiting a sex club and just watching all the glorious fucking and also go to an erotic massage and just jack off to my hearts content. I won't get many chances for a cover story so if I'm going to be stuck in a marital rut, I want to take advantage of this Toronto opportunity.

Or I could instead go back to the drawing board (again) and see if I can our relationship back on track. I mean, when I think about some of the erotic things we have done in the last 2 years as compared to last 20 or so, it's pretty impressive. I'm proud of that. And her. But I feel like it could all fall apart and sometimes I'm tired of being the only one to pursue and prioritize our relationship

Or, heck I just do both.

Thoughts?

Filipina?

OntGuy2010 · Jul 2, 2026

Very interesting scenario, and I am not even close to providing any kind of thoughts from experience, but to refer you here: https://terb.cc/xenforo/threads/how...tional-nature-of-hobbying.918685/post-9319632

Have a think, best wishes!

Newjackoff24 · Jul 2, 2026

jeff2 said:
Filipina?

Italian. She cums very nicely and loves sex when we have it but...every 2-3 weeks for 20 years is a lot to overcome. .

john_smith423 · Jul 2, 2026

Since you're asking for advice, I'll give you my honest advice. If you had said your wife was completely shutdown and is not making any effort, I would say go for it. Do what you have to do.

But she is trying and making an effort and things are getting better and even impressive as you said.

Plus you have kids and a long marriage to think about. I know you are (maybe) hoping for someone to co sign this for you and tell you go for it.

But I don't think I would if I were you. You talk a lot about your wife's effort to please you.

Have you asked her or explored if she may be unhappy and want more from you? My marriage fizzled and we separated largely because she didn't want to work on things.

But looking back I ignored her asking for things to change for a long time. Maybe it was too little too late for me by the time we went to couples counselling.

But your wife sounds like shes making the effort. Why don't you meet her halfway and make the effort too? Get some couples therapy or at least talk to her and see if she needs more from you.

One last thing: I could have stayed in a dead marriage longer if I wanted to. It wasn't that bad. And if I'd known how it would mess up my relationship with my kids, I probably would have chosen to stay "for the kids".

You may think it won't effect them if you get caught and your marriage falls apart. But it will.

In my case at least my ex and I are still and always have been civil if not amicable. That won't be true if your caught cheating.

richaceg · Jul 2, 2026

If she can go overseas on your anniversary...I hate to break it to you but that marriage is over....you can still try to save it who knows....but treat yourself once in a while...your mind and body needs it.

Newjackoff24 · Jul 2, 2026

john_smith423 said:
Since you're asking for advice, I'll give you my honest advice. If you had said your wife was completely shutdown and is not making any effort, I would say go for it. Do what you have to do.

But she is trying and making an effort and things are getting better and even impressive as you said.

Plus you have kids and a long marriage to think about. I know you are (maybe) hoping for someone to co sign this for you and tell you go for it.

But I don't think I would if I were you. You talk a lot about your wife's effort to please you.

Have you asked her or explored if she may be unhappy and want more from you? My marriage fizzled and we separated largely because she didn't want to work on things.

But looking back I ignored her asking for things to change for a long time. Maybe it was too little too late for me by the time we went to couples counselling.

But your wife sounds like shes making the effort. Why don't you meet her halfway and make the effort too? Get some couples therapy or at least talk to her and see if she needs more from you.

One last thing: I could have stayed in a dead marriage longer if I wanted to. It wasn't that bad. And if I'd known how it would mess up my relationship with my kids, I probably would have chosen to stay "for the kids".

You may think it won't effect them if you get caught and your marriage falls apart. But it will.

In my case at least my ex and I are still and always have been civil if not amicable. That won't be true if your caught cheating.

thanks. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. But to be honest she would say she was satisfied sexually and relationally. That's what she tells me. I almost wish she wasn't so I would have something to work toward.

She believes she can pray her way to a great marriage. I believe in faith too...but without works and practical effort it's dead. She did tell me she was surprised I didn't leave her. I was shocked to hear that. We have never ever talked about divorce once in 25 years.

I agree on the getting caught angle. It's not just her possibly finding out, it's everyone. So that's a big risk.

john_smith423 · Jul 2, 2026

richaceg said:
If she can go overseas on your anniversary...I hate to break it to you but that marriage is over....you can still try to save it who knows....but treat yourself once in a while...your mind and body needs it.

Since when does a guy who's been married 25 years care if his wife isn't around for the actual date of the anniversary?

I would be stoked that I didn't have to plan something or spend any money. Plus we could just go for dinner when she got back.

Plus plus, for all we know she tried to plan something with him and he declined so she decided to go anyways.

This is definitely the thinnest argument in OPs story.

Newjackoff24 · Jul 2, 2026

john_smith423 said:
Since when does a guy who's been married 25 years care if his wife isn't around for the actual date of the anniversary?

I would be stoked that I didn't have to plan something or spend any money. Plus we could just go for dinner when she got back.

Plus plus, for all we know she tried to plan something with him and he declined so she decided to go anyways.

This is definitely the thinnest argument in OPs story.

I'm the kind of person who would want to go on a $8-$10K trip with my wife as opposed to her going with someone else. She asked to go, and I wasn't about to essentially forbid it. I was curious whether she would actually do it. We hadn't been on an extended trip together in years so doing it over our 25th is pretty tacky and she has admitted as much. I'm not saying it's a green light for me to screw around, I'm saying it provides some context for what's going on in the marriage. I would never even dream of doing that with a buddy. Ever.

john_smith423 · Jul 2, 2026

Newjackoff24 said:
I'm the kind of person who would want to go on a $8-$10K trip with my wife as opposed to her going with someone else. She asked to go, and I wasn't about to essentially forbid it. I was curious whether she would actually do it. We hadn't been on an extended trip together in years so doing it over our 25th is pretty tacky and she has admitted as much. I'm not saying it's a green light for me to screw around, I'm saying it provides some context for what's going on in the marriage. I would never even dream of doing that with a buddy. Ever.

Yeah I get it. I'm a bit biased in that I kind of hate travel unless its got a purpose like a fishing trip or going to an amusement park or something.

So if my wife wanted to go to Europe without me, id consider myself to have dodged a bullet.

But I get that some people like travelling and might not like that.

Newjackoff24 · Jul 2, 2026

john_smith423 said:
Yeah I get it. I'm a bit biased in that I kind of hate travel unless its got a purpose like a fishing trip or going to an amusement park or something.

So if my wife wanted to go to Europe without me, id consider myself to have dodged a bullet.

But I get that some people like travelling and might not like that.

I should have just told her it bothered me. But I was deeply frustrated at the time and didn't want to be the killjoy. I think the fact we hadn't taken a vacation in years really set me off. We had kid issues going on for some years and was hard to get away but both of should have been making the effort for "us" time. We didn't.

xix · Jul 2, 2026

I don't or we don't know where you live. So...

Ask her if she wants to go somewhere that is 1-2 hour flight for the weekend and do something you never done together. Don't cook, eat out cheap or not.
See how she reacts to the offer.

If yes let her pick the destination and hotel, what ever she wants to do or see plus your too. But if she chooses 4 items for one day, she must remove one and add yours. Respect.

The trip she took.... 90 % she saw a guy there. But if she always wanted to travel but never happened maybe it's her way to see her dreams.

Yeah stay for the kids till they are 21 the youngest.

But remember .... or read the advice most divorce men give here. Or create another thread "life after divorce worth it?"

20260702

Newjackoff24 · Jul 2, 2026

xix said:
I don't or we don't know where you live. So...

Ask her if she wants to go somewhere that is 1-2 hour flight for the weekend and do something you never done together. Don't cook, eat out cheap or not.
See how she reacts to the offer.

If yes let her pick the destination and hotel, what ever she wants to do or see plus your too. But if she chooses 4 items for one day, she must remove one and add yours. Respect.

The trip she took.... 90 % she saw a guy there. But if she always wanted to travel but never happened maybe it's her way to see her dreams.

Yeah stay for the kids till they are 21 the youngest.

But remember .... or read the advice most divorce men give here. Or create another thread "life after divorce worth it?"

Kids are over 20.

On the trip, We have been doing essentially that once a month. We go antiquing and shopping during day, what she likes, and at night we do some very un-churchy role play. Sex therapist patient where I confess porn I previously liked to stroke off to, erotic stories and stuff like that. She says she likes the stories (which is pretty cool, totally unlike her prior opinion of erotica).

At the risk of sounding naive: I know my wife..:she didn't see a guy. But I would prefer she did fuck a guy to another decade of boring routine. That would be an exciting dynamic. To think she could be filled with lust and desire like that. Truth is that I recently wrote an erotic story of her doing just that. I've read half of it to her and plan to read the other very explicit half to her in next week. It's about someone from her college days and home country who connects with her on social media and one thing leads to another and if fucks her very nicely while I'm away. Bigger cock, and he's so good he gets her talking dirty her home language while he is 7 inches deep in her pussy.

Shaquille Oatmeal · Jul 3, 2026

While her going overseas for your 25th is definitely weird, I think she is trying from what you've said.
Also women don't just get turned on doing sexy things.
So maybe send her to a spa during the day and cook dinner or whatever. Stimulate her mind.
Additionally, you could bring your wife to Toronto and you can visit Oasis together on a couples night.
Even if you don't do much, seeing all those people have sex might just get her in the mood.
So basically, work on your marriage. Just my 2 cents.

OntGuy2010 · Jul 3, 2026

Just wondering - have you ever been with a sex worker before? Or done some of the other things you were thinking about?

As I said I'm not even close to speaking from experience close to yours, but when I started I was also thinking about relationship difficulties / shortcomings / should I have / should I not have / etc.! Pretty quickly I realized the "value" in approaching that pyramid of needs in the link that I referred to from the bottom (with the services of providers), rather than from the top! What I CAN say from direct experience, is that since that bottom layer is being "taken care of", I am finding it a "solid foundation" in proceeding to higher levels! The bottom layer is not "bad" and the top layer not "good", they are simply different layers!

Anyway just my little opinion of course

richaceg · Jul 3, 2026

Newjackoff24 said:
Kids are over 20.

On the trip, We have been doing essentially that once a month. We go antiquing and shopping during day, what she likes, and at night we do some very un-churchy role play. Sex therapist patient where I confess porn I previously liked to stroke off to, erotic stories and stuff like that. She says she likes the stories (which is pretty cool, totally unlike her prior opinion of erotica).

At the risk of sounding naive: I know my wife..:she didn't see a guy. But I would prefer she did fuck a guy to another decade of boring routine. That would be an exciting dynamic. To think she could be filled with lust and desire like that. Truth is that I recently wrote an erotic story of her doing just that. I've read half of it to her and plan to read the other very explicit half to her in next week. It's about someone from her college days and home country who connects with her on social media and one thing leads to another and if fucks her very nicely while I'm away. Bigger cock, and he's so good he gets her talking dirty her home language while he is 7 inches deep in her pussy.

I'm not saying she's vesting on you. I'm just saying she's might not enjoy your company on trips like when you were newly weds. We're almost the same age with 20 yr old offsprings. We go out of the country. We go out of town in weekends. She loves the cottage life. Read books etc. Also a devoted catholic. Also great in bed. I see mostly mps. Some sps I like...like I said. Your mind and body needs ut

Patron · Jul 3, 2026

OntGuy2010 said:
Just wondering - have you ever been with a sex worker before? Or done some of the other things you were thinking about?

As I said I'm not even close to speaking from experience close to yours, but when I started I was also thinking about relationship difficulties / shortcomings / should I have / should I not have / etc.! Pretty quickly I realized the "value" in approaching that pyramid of needs in the link that I referred to from the bottom (with the services of providers), rather than from the top! What I CAN say from direct experience, is that since that bottom layer is being "taken care of", I am finding it a "solid foundation" in proceeding to higher levels! The bottom layer is not "bad" and the top layer not "good", they are simply different layers!

Anyway just my little opinion of course

I remember a guy who truly had more relationships with beautiful women say that some women are sexual, and some just aren’t. Not talking about how pretty they are, but how much they wanted sex and enjoyed it. He found out that I see a lot of escorts, and had a ton of questions about it since he enjoyed understanding life. He did not think you could make an adult “more sexual”.

Guys are somewhat the same. We get biased talking to each other and forget there are plenty of guys who rarely have sex, or think much about it.

Many guys here are more sexual than their spouses, and they bifurcate their lives between friendship and occasional sex with a wife, and glorious sex with sex workers, most of whom are the most sexual people in the world. But they go to great lengths to hide it from the spouse.

This is the first post I have ever seen that seems to suggest that a somewhat nonsexual spouse could be made more sexual by a couple engaging a sex worker, if I understand correctly. Edit: Sorry that was someone else’s post, but if you did that, as well as having her jack you off to pictures of another lady, I am just not sure how well that would play out in front of a female judge in divorce court.

The one famous time a guy tried to make his wife more sexual was a guy running for Senate in Illinois. He had an actress wife and he decided to try to spark things back up in their marriage by surprising her with a trip to a BDSM club while they were in France. It didn’t go over well with her, as detailed in the divorce filings that were supposed to be sealed but were accidentally made public.

Since she has her own travel schedule and interests, a lot of guys here would be quite jealous of the freedom the OP has for fun.

Darts. · Jul 3, 2026

Find a bull. Have him give her the best sex of her life while you watch and give him directions
You can thank me later.

Newjackoff24 · Jul 3, 2026

Patron said:
This is the first post I have ever seen that seems to suggest that a somewhat nonsexual spouse could be made more sexual by a couple engaging a sex worker, if I understand correctly. Edit: Sorry that was someone else’s post, but if you did that, as well as having her jack you off to pictures of another lady, I am just not sure how well that would play out in front of a female judge in divorce court.

I'm not trying to make her more sexual by engaging a sex worker. As for her jacking me off to pictures, It's actually quite fun and she's had a smile on her face while doing it, laughing and asking me which one I like the best. We had lots of discussions before hand so it wasn't me walking up to her with a magazine and saying "um, let's do this now." Lots of talks and a progressive build up over about two years. I've also offered her the same benefit. She thinks Asian men are attractive so I would happily indulge her if she was visually inclined and I've told her that.

If she's not relapsing into old habits I won't have a desire to go to a spa or sex club. I won't need it. I'm actually quite content to pursue erotic expression with her and to be honest, she's been more creative than I would have ever thought 5 years ago. For me it's not about sex positions or even frequency (reasonably) it's about connection and creativity and talking honestly about fantasy.

But I can't go back. Maybe I just give it more time. If a year from now it's fallen apart then oh well, I know where Toronto is...

OntGuy2010 · Jul 3, 2026

Patron said:
I remember a guy who truly had more relationships with beautiful women say that some women are sexual, and some just aren’t. Not talking about how pretty they are, but how much they wanted sex and enjoyed it. He found out that I see a lot of escorts, and had a ton of questions about it since he enjoyed understanding life. He did not think you could make an adult “more sexual”.

Guys are somewhat the same. We get biased talking to each other and forget there are plenty of guys who rarely have sex, or think much about it.

Many guys here are more sexual than their spouses, and they bifurcate their lives between friendship and occasional sex with a wife, and glorious sex with sex workers, most of whom are the most sexual people in the world. But they go to great lengths to hide it from the spouse.

This is the first post I have ever seen that seems to suggest that a somewhat nonsexual spouse could be made more sexual by a couple engaging a sex worker, if I understand correctly. Edit: Sorry that was someone else’s post, but if you did that, as well as having her jack you off to pictures of another lady, I am just not sure how well that would play out in front of a female judge in divorce court.

The one famous time a guy tried to make his wife more sexual was a guy running for Senate in Illinois. He had an actress wife and he decided to try to spark things back up in their marriage by surprising her with a trip to a BDSM club while they were in France. It didn’t go over well with her, as detailed in the divorce filings that were supposed to be sealed but were accidentally made public.

Since she has her own travel schedule and interests, a lot of guys here would be quite jealous of the freedom the OP has for fun.

I was thinking more about enriching the OP's experience, but interesting no matter what!

Indulge in Toronto, continue to work on marriage or both?

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