Is it usual to be disappointed in your children?

[Kawailuvr]

I don’t %100 blame the kids , parents today just straight spoil their kids to death it’s like they just have no backbone to say “no”
The video games are the babysitters and social media is the teachers man
Fuck my nephews are lazy rude and stupid
And completely disrespectful!
if I pulled what my sister allows when I was a kid my pops would give me a backhand straight. Now the kids are threatening to call the cops , my nephew pulled that shit one night with me and I told him call but leave all your good shit here cause you ain’t taking that PlayStation to the foster family ! When my sister came home he started crying to her and what’s the sis do go and talk to him all softly and rub his back lol she’s an idiot

 

[Robert Mugabe]

Things could always be worse

 

[MindJohn]

As my kids move into early teens, I find myself feeling more and more negative about them. Despite our efforts at every stage, they have absolutely no interests other than video games, youtube and other passive, lowest common denominator entertainment. They don't like sports. They can't be dragged outside for exercise. They won't read books. They don't listen to music. They have no hobbies at all. They show no desire to be independent, in fact they are totally useless at planning ahead, remembering what they need to do, or even attempting to be organized. If we give them something nice they will lose it.

I realise I as a parent have a lot to do with this but I don't know why. For example music. All my life I've loved music. I'm self-taught on a few instruments but never had lessons or the discipline to be more than amateur level. Since my kids were born I've exposed them continuously to the music I love - classical, rock, funk, jazz, metal, punk, rap etc. I've had instruments lying around they could play with. My wife and I have spent a small fortune on formal lessons, and my oldest is even at grade 8 now. But they don't enjoy it. We must force them to practice, then I grind my teeth because it sounds so bad, because they have no musical ear. They don't have stereos in their rooms. I got them family Spotify accounts but they don't use them. How can you play music if you don't listen to it?

Anyway if they don't have any musical ability that's fine and we don't want them to feel shit about it. We often ask them if they want to stop and they choose to continue. Because even they can see that they gave absolutely nothing else to feel proud about. Academically they are lazy and not especially bright. They are not inquisitive. They are not ambitious. They have a bleak career outlook as far as I can see, although mine isn't exactly a shining example.

Does anyone else have a comparative experience? Is this just a symptom of over active parenting and a lack of role models? What can I do? Disliking your own kids is obviously not healthy. But I'd prefer to help them than sooth my conscience.

This doesn't sound too good, and most of the flaws/concerns are your own. (NOT with regard to anything you've done, or should have done)


But it's your value system.

It sounds as if you'd prefer to shove them toward your values rather than inspire their minds to find their own independent niches.

The world is SO different today than in times before the internet spread rumors and most truths 'around school' faster than anything could travel back in the day.

Just to navigate the overblown reactions to any/everything school-related without contemplating suicide is an accomplishment for a lot of kids.


Kids aren't ruined if they don't like or play sports... and it's going to be those minds which are computer developed that are most able to find something to match them in the evolving technological world.



IF they're abusing drugs or doing things which are personally dangerous, then come back here and grumble about it...

before that point, though, lose your own biases and help to inspire them to find their own niches, and pursue greater knowledge in those areas, even if you as a 2020 adult can't fathom yourself even being able to identify just what the heck they're good at.

SO much happens after grade 8 anyway, that to write them off now is just a psychologically dangerous move for you more so than them.

 

[mandrill]

As my kids move into early teens, I find myself feeling more and more negative about them. Despite our efforts at every stage, they have absolutely no interests other than video games, youtube and other passive, lowest common denominator entertainment. They don't like sports. They can't be dragged outside for exercise. They won't read books. They don't listen to music. They have no hobbies at all. They show no desire to be independent, in fact they are totally useless at planning ahead, remembering what they need to do, or even attempting to be organized. If we give them something nice they will lose it.

I realise I as a parent have a lot to do with this but I don't know why. For example music. All my life I've loved music. I'm self-taught on a few instruments but never had lessons or the discipline to be more than amateur level. Since my kids were born I've exposed them continuously to the music I love - classical, rock, funk, jazz, metal, punk, rap etc. I've had instruments lying around they could play with. My wife and I have spent a small fortune on formal lessons, and my oldest is even at grade 8 now. But they don't enjoy it. We must force them to practice, then I grind my teeth because it sounds so bad, because they have no musical ear. They don't have stereos in their rooms. I got them family Spotify accounts but they don't use them. How can you play music if you don't listen to it?

Anyway if they don't have any musical ability that's fine and we don't want them to feel shit about it. We often ask them if they want to stop and they choose to continue. Because even they can see that they gave absolutely nothing else to feel proud about. Academically they are lazy and not especially bright. They are not inquisitive. They are not ambitious. They have a bleak career outlook as far as I can see, although mine isn't exactly a shining example.

Does anyone else have a comparative experience? Is this just a symptom of over active parenting and a lack of role models? What can I do? Disliking your own kids is obviously not healthy. But I'd prefer to help them than sooth my conscience.

C'mon, pal. They're the only family you'll ever have. And you're the only father that they'll ever have. Love them for who they are, not what you want them to be. Show a little kindness and empathy.

So they're dumb? So what?! Love them anyway.

So they're lazy? Almost all teenagers are lazy. They'll grow out of it.

If you want to judge them, wait until they're thirty years old and judge them on whether they're kind and honest, not on how much money they make or the car they drive. Or whether they can play Mozart from memory.

I assume that when you're 60 years old, you'll want them to care for you and respect you and bring grand kids around to meet you. You don't want them to shun you and dislike you.

Life doesn't always give you exactly what you want, certainly not right away and certainly not without pain, hardship and struggle. If you turn away from those you are supposed to love, cherish and protect simply because they don't meet your tastes, what does that say about your values, your patience or your loyalty?

 

[MindJohn]

It's always the parents....

For example, if all they do is play video games and watch youtube, why do they have access to either? They can't be dragged out for exercise? They don't read books? Why are they given a choice?

Start being a parent.

I agree with another poster.

That quoted above is generally terrible advice.

Why not get them a slide rule too, while you're at it? Make them master the slide rule and the abacus.


There is indisputably more education to be found ON YouTube than in entire schools that we once knew.


It is mainly only the left-behind young people who are deeply indulging in books anymore. (maybe get them some square wheels for their bikes/skateboards too)


The best a parent can hope for is to inspire their kid... while hoping to notice when their unique abilities and interests become more clear and then give them every chance to succeed on a path of their choosing.



Imagine being a lawyer and then a Circuit Court Judge, and urging your kid to go to college while affording him every chance and every opportunity to thrive there.


Then imagine one day when some long-haired dude your son's age who is not enrolled in college comes to your house, wanting to try to talk you into letting that son who is just beginning to make you proud quit college and instead tour with his band.


The good parent and good judge in this equation is NOT the parent who dismisses the idea at a snap, the good parent is the one whose seasoned mind remains open and listening first to this seeming intruder and then to his own child.





The Circuit Court Judge in this picture was Benjamin Tench.


The long-haired dude... was Tom Petty.


You can say what you want about the partying and the eventual drug overdose of Tom Petty, but I'd bet you anything in the world that Judge Ben M. Tench was quite proud of his parenting between that fateful meeting in the early 1970s and the day the Judge died in 2005.

Lord only knows what Petty said to the Judge to get him to open his thoughts and allow this, but it certainly did help to spawn a sought-after career.


(you can Google "Benmont Tench" for the rest of the details)

 

[Goodoer]

Great post by the OP and decent responses from TERBites.

My kids are opposites to one another. One is top of his class while the other is "good enough". While I want them to excel at sports, I'm just glad they are playing... I don't think cutting off the video games works as they're friends are online... This was most noticeable during COVID.

My wife and I are Yin & Yang; accordingly we have different parenting styles... My parents were "parents" and not our friends. Loving, but strict and tough. Both my brother and I exceeded their expectations and have done well. My wife's parents were divorced and laissez-faire (literally) and were her "friends". She exceeds their expectations... (Funny enough, both parents think their child could have done better in spouse selection... ). My hope is that my children get the best of both worlds from my wife and I.

It depends on the kids, it depends on the Mom and depends on you, as the Dad. Too many variables. Do your best; if not, you'll get it right in the next life... And if you get Alzheimer's, it won't even matter what you think or feel.

 

[Mr.Know-It-All]

Then imagine one day when some long-haired dude your son's age who is not enrolled in college comes to your house, wanting to try to talk you into letting that son who is just beginning to make you proud quit college and instead tour with his band.


The good parent and good judge in this equation is NOT the parent who dismisses the idea at a snap, the good parent is the one whose seasoned mind remains open and listening first to this seeming intruder and then to his own child.


The Circuit Court Judge in this picture was Benjamin Tench.


The long-haired dude... was Tom Petty.


You can say what you want about the partying and the eventual drug overdose of Tom Petty, but I'd bet you anything in the world that Judge Ben M. Tench was quite proud of his parenting between that fateful meeting in the early 1970s and the day the Judge died in 2005.

Lord only knows what Petty said to the Judge to get him to open his thoughts and allow this, but it certainly did help to spawn a sought-after career.

It's irresponsible to use an example that actually works only 0.001% of the time. For every Tom Petty, there are a gazillion starving musicians.

It does make sense if you realize that your kid is not cut out for school.

 

[MindJohn]

It's irresponsible to use an example that actually works only 0.001% of the time. For every Tom Petty, there are a gazillion starving musicians.

It does make sense if you realize that your kid is not cut out for school.

You're not getting it. There are people out there making innertubes, making Slushies, making hot dogs, delivering pizzas... many of whom found what suits them... as they carefully balance needs, wants, family, lifestyle... and despite the downward glances from other people at class reunions, these people are quite content doing whatever it is that they do... so often nothing near to that Harvard education that mom and dad (demanded they endure). (and a trillion other people/occupations in between slushies, pizzas, and Petty's band)


This was about parenting, and not about expecting that Tom Petty might come knocking on this dad's door out of the blue asking dad's permission to let junior run away with his band. You should know by now that Tom Petty is dead.


And talk about irresponsible... taking something offered in legitimate fashion, and winding the tape 48 years into the future only to generalize about mathematical probabilities, without acknowledging the bottom line that (even) a Circuit Court Judge had no idea that this long-haired, raspy-voiced kid was ever gonna make-it, is monumentally more irresponsible than anything I offered.

The example was that of a parent (who, for this scenario is perceived to have been of sound-er mind and better judgment than most) who somehow, er, well, sorta... listened to his heart instead of laying down the law as is his usual custom.


But just for you... I will state emphatically right here... that IF Tom Petty comes knocking on mmouse's door, asking to let minnie mouse run away with the band... Mr.Know-it-all (you can't make this stuff up) from TERB reminds that only 1 in 1000 like that really make-it.

 

[Mr.Know-It-All]

What makes you think the judge "listened to his heart" instead of his mind? He could have very well thought his son lacked the aptitude for school and should instead follow his passion for music. If that was the case, I think you and I can agree it was a sound decision even if he never made it big (the chance is actually much lower than 1/1000 as I posted, but I digress).

 

[escortsxxx]

As my kids move into early teens, I find myself feeling more and more negative about them. Despite our efforts at every stage, they have absolutely no interests other than video games, youtube and other passive, lowest common denominator entertainment. They don't like sports. They can't be dragged outside for exercise. They won't read books. They don't listen to music. They have no hobbies at all. They show no desire to be independent, in fact they are totally useless at planning ahead, remembering what they need to do, or even attempting to be organized. If we give them something nice they will lose it.

I realise I as a parent have a lot to do with this but I don't know why. For example music. All my life I've loved music. I'm self-taught on a few instruments but never had lessons or the discipline to be more than amateur level. Since my kids were born I've exposed them continuously to the music I love - classical, rock, funk, jazz, metal, punk, rap etc. I've had instruments lying around they could play with. My wife and I have spent a small fortune on formal lessons, and my oldest is even at grade 8 now. But they don't enjoy it. We must force them to practice, then I grind my teeth because it sounds so bad, because they have no musical ear. They don't have stereos in their rooms. I got them family Spotify accounts but they don't use them. How can you play music if you don't listen to it?

Anyway if they don't have any musical ability that's fine and we don't want them to feel shit about it. We often ask them if they want to stop and they choose to continue. Because even they can see that they gave absolutely nothing else to feel proud about. Academically they are lazy and not especially bright. They are not inquisitive. They are not ambitious. They have a bleak career outlook as far as I can see, although mine isn't exactly a shining example.

Does anyone else have a comparative experience? Is this just a symptom of over active parenting and a lack of role models? What can I do? Disliking your own kids is obviously not healthy. But I'd prefer to help them than sooth my conscience.

Its solvable and a major problem - what are you going to do about it?

 

[spraggamuffin]

The apple does not fall far from the tree.
What did you instill in them?
What type of examples were the parents, and did the kids see the parents as an example of what they tried to instill in them?

 

[NiceToMeetYou]

Very easy solution. Send them to live in a boarding school... English style (watch Harry Potter movie).

They will be disciplined by teachers and their seniors in the school. They can be punished by teachers and seniors such as cleaning common bathrooms and toilets, running around the school properties and etc. In this environment, your teenagers will be disciplined and need to come out from their shells of playing video games in their own bedroom. In the boarding school, there will be scheduled to play sports and learning to play musical instruments. They will need to eat meals at specific time in a day and doing other predefined activities mandated by the school's fixed schedule.

 

[escortsxxx]

Very easy solution. Send them to live in a boarding school... English style (watch Harry Potter movie).

They will be disciplined by teachers and their seniors in the school. They can be punished by teachers and seniors such as cleaning common bathrooms and toilets, running around the school properties and etc. In this environment, your teenagers will be disciplined and need to come out from their shells of playing video games in their own bedroom. In the boarding school, there will be scheduled to play sports and learning to play musical instruments. They will need to eat meals at specific time in a day and doing other predefined activities mandated by the school's fixed schedule.

Not a fan of boarding school. Too many are abusive - however it is an option when all else fails.

 

[decoy2673]

Dont be so hard on yourself OP. Gen Z is doomed from the beginning. Growing up in the smartphone/social media age must be brutal. The most socially well adjusted people are Boomers then millennials and so on. The less technology available to kids during their formative years the better. its as simple as that. its no wonder all these young people teens-30 somethings suddenly developed social anxiety. I grew up just before the internet age (thank god) and literally cant fathom how people can be anxious about social interactions. its a disease. courtesy of Mr Zuckerberg and the rest of those techies. Technological advancements at the cost of everything else.

 

[escortsxxx]

Dont be so hard on yourself OP. Gen Z is doomed from the beginning. Growing up in the smartphone/social media age must be brutal. The most socially well adjusted people are Boomers then millennials and so on. The less technology available to kids during their formative years the better. its as simple as that. its no wonder all these young people teens-30 somethings suddenly developed social anxiety. I grew up just before the internet age (thank god) and literally cant fathom how people can be anxious about social interactions. its a disease. courtesy of Mr Zuckerberg and the rest of those techies. Technological advancements at the cost of everything else.

Very well said.

 

[Mr.Know-It-All]

You want to motivate your kids? Teach them real life lessons.

 

[Markedcurious]

As my kids move into early teens, I find myself feeling more and more negative about them. Despite our efforts at every stage, they have absolutely no interests other than video games, youtube and other passive, lowest common denominator entertainment. They don't like sports. They can't be dragged outside for exercise. They won't read books. They don't listen to music. They have no hobbies at all. They show no desire to be independent, in fact they are totally useless at planning ahead, remembering what they need to do, or even attempting to be organized. If we give them something nice they will lose it.

I realise I as a parent have a lot to do with this but I don't know why. For example music. All my life I've loved music. I'm self-taught on a few instruments but never had lessons or the discipline to be more than amateur level. Since my kids were born I've exposed them continuously to the music I love - classical, rock, funk, jazz, metal, punk, rap etc. I've had instruments lying around they could play with. My wife and I have spent a small fortune on formal lessons, and my oldest is even at grade 8 now. But they don't enjoy it. We must force them to practice, then I grind my teeth because it sounds so bad, because they have no musical ear. They don't have stereos in their rooms. I got them family Spotify accounts but they don't use them. How can you play music if you don't listen to it?

Anyway if they don't have any musical ability that's fine and we don't want them to feel shit about it. We often ask them if they want to stop and they choose to continue. Because even they can see that they gave absolutely nothing else to feel proud about. Academically they are lazy and not especially bright. They are not inquisitive. They are not ambitious. They have a bleak career outlook as far as I can see, although mine isn't exactly a shining example.

Does anyone else have a comparative experience? Is this just a symptom of over active parenting and a lack of role models? What can I do? Disliking your own kids is obviously not healthy. But I'd prefer to help them than sooth my conscience.

Remember as long as kids are happy and healthy everything else works out in time. I was a shit when I was teen and grew out of it(I would like to think). I agree technology has taken over and that is a huge difference