Time to come clean- What were the reason(s) for your breakup(s)?
Was it money issues?
Was it dishonesty?
Was it a simple but important misunderstanding?
Was it family- yours or hers?
Was it different expectations?
What was/were the reason/s?
Bonus points if you reveal your age and the age of the person you broke up with, and the length of time you were together.
It is my anticipation that of all the reasons people give, there will be a small number of reasons that will repeat throughout this thread.
I'll start things off
I had two significant relationships in my past, both in my later 20s. I am now several decades older. The first was with a Canadian Filipina who was 30 years old. I thought she was younger. She revealed her age early on. According to me, we were together for roughly one year. According to her, we were together for roughly two years. It turned out that she wanted to settle down & start making babies. When I realized this I did the honorable thing and I ended the relationship. We kept in touch for a short time afterwards, until she found a husband. This now meant no further contact. I look back favorably on those days. She took good care of me, not only sex, but in every other way as well. I knew she would be upset, but I did the right thing. She was a real sweetheart. It was tough, because I did not want to hurt her. I am sure she has made her husband a happy man. I can only hope that he was/is able to make her happy. In summary, I ended the relationship, because our expectations were not aligned. I have no rancor to her, and I'm sure she has no rancor to me. We do not share any acquaintances, so I am sure we will never bump into each other, except perhaps on the street, by accident. I look back on those days fondly. She made my life easier. It's tough to wear a mask, be on your best behavior, for a whole year, or two. She was the real deal.
Relationship experts (whoever they are) say the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else.
My second significant relationship just barely got started, and it lasted all of three or four months, roughly. She was 29, a few years older than I was, and also on the hunt to lock a man down. Silly me, I did not understand that. She was very attractive, and several of my buds expressed envy at the arm candy I had. I won't lie, being envied felt good. However, she never missed an opportunity to shit test me- calling me cheap, saying I run like a girl, and many other things to deliberately put me on the spot. As best as I can remember I responded with 'fine' or 'if you say so.' We barely started sleeping together, and then she invited me to have dinner with her family at her parents' house. I had the opportunity to meet her parents, her sister, her brother in-law, and her young neices. I was not keen on this, but I said yes anyway. To repeat- Silly me, I did not get that she had a plan. They wanted to check me out.
The next day or soon after, she said I did not pass muster with her family. I was not looking for a wife. I was only looking to have fun, so I did not care that I did not pass muster with them. She fired me. I was polite when she gave me my notice, I did not cry or beg her to reconsider. I might have calmly said something like 'I understand,' or words like that. Then I told her I still wanted to take her out to a fancy dinner. This was during the holiday season, and she spent what I thought was too much money on me, since we had only been together less than three months, so I felt obliged to respond in kind. After dinner I invited her to my apartment, and she said yes. But she would not sleep with me. Kissing fully dressed, was all she would permit. When it finally got through my head that no really meant no, I took her home, and that was the end.
We resumed our relationship a short time later, but the shit testing never stopped. Also at that time in my life, I felt it was more important to keep the peace than to say what I really thought (in hindsight, this was the training I received as a child- go along to get along, and as a kid, I did what I was told, most of the time, or suffer the consequences), and also in hindsight I understand how she might have been (was probably) misled. It did not end well. Lots of anger, from her, which I understand. Occasionally I wonder what would have happened if had the strength to be honest, or if I had broken free of my training as a child. Would she continue to shit test me? Would we have mutually agreed to end things? This was a woman that taught me a lot, just by being herself. What I finally figured out was that she was trying to control me*. This was never true with my Filipina gal, my Filipina gal was happy just to be close to me. I will put up with controllers to a point, if they explain why they want me to behave in a certain way, and it makes sense to me. But we were just getting started in this relationship that went nowhere fast. If she was done with me, as she had said, then why did she accept my offer for a fancy dinner? And why did she accept my offer to return to my place? I think she was not being entirely honest, at best she was unsure of what she wanted, at worst she was trying to extract resources from me, even if that meant she had to bend the truth. She should have cut her losses and said no to my offer. It was a little after this fancy dinner that she saw fit to be my girfriend again. One thing that nags at me is - why did she come back? We were together for a few more weeks, but when I refused to bow to her will she must have decided I was not worth the effort. Hence the anger.
In summary it was her that broke us up- both times, I was upset for a short time, but then I recovered. I think the reason for the breakup is because neither of us were honest. We both had an agenda, which is not a bad thing by itself. It becomes a bad thing when you try coercing people, and this was her style. She wanted someone malleable. I'd be willing to change my behaviour to a point, if she could make her reasons clear, and if I could see the benefit, then most likely I would. But neither one of us wanted to be used for someone else's agenda. This woman did not make my life easier.
In both cases I did a postmortem on those relationships- what went well, what went poorly, what to say, what not to say,....etc.
One thing I learned is that fear is always behind anger. Knowing this, think about the times in your life where anger was present, and you will rethink the situation. For instance, when your parents got angry with you when you stayed out past curfew, back in the day. Fear is what got them bent out of shape.
*We are always controlling each other. We have all been controlled/trained to stop at a red light. And everybody is happy to be controlled in that way. People stop at red light because they choose to. They know that stopping at a red will make their life easier.
Among other things, I learned that very attractive women see the world differently, because their experience of being in the world is different from the rest of us. They usually get lots of attention (not all of it is wanted, this can make them bitchy, I suppose I would behave the same, having no peace whenever I was out in public. One of my brothers many years ago talked about a gorgeous female friend of his, whom I had met, and it's true, she was gorgeous, centerfold worthy. He said she often dressed down, made herself less attractive, when she left the house). Many are taught they don't have do anything to receive privileges, just show up, and privileges are given to you. This reminds me of a woman who I was a childhood friend with. We went our separate ways when grade school ended, and many years later we met up again. She developed into a very attractive lady (who much later killed herself). We went on a few dates, one date was to the Ex, and at least once we were waved in ahead of the line. In that case the bouncer even said to her face something like "I'm letting you skip the line because you're so attractive." At the time I thought to myself WTF? Actually, I still think that way.
I'm also thinking it can't be easy when women lose their youthful beauty, when just showing up used to get them lots, and now gets them lots of nothin'. They had become accustomed, taught, to expect extra consideration. This is the meaning of the quote from Lauren Bacall who said "Every beautiful woman dies twice."
I have always been polite and give basic respect to others, but for many years now I have also been honest, and direct. I no longer worry about saying no to someone, for the sake of keeping the peace. Because of this many familial relationships have changed for the better, for me. The others in my family whom I had taught could take advantage of me, no longer do. I have learned that people have more respect for a clear, unambiguous no, than for a wishy washy reply- something that means no, but you do not want to say no, and you hope the person you are talking to will just get it by osmosis. I have also learned that people take you much more seriously if you speak calmly (and carry a big stick). Like everything else this takes practice, and the more you do it , the easier it gets. If they can't handle your reply, they can yell and scream, and often they do. I have been yelled and screamed at from people at a much higher station in life. This tells me they have nothing left in their quiver. Also, I have learned there is much less likelihood of a misunderstanding when you make yourself clear. Much less chance of someone saying 'when you said this, I thought you meant that.'
Now if wifey says she would like...
If it's not clear to me I will ask her straight out 'Are you asking me to do this thing?' Sometimes she will say yes, other times she will say no.
Remember, you can disagree without being disagreeable, and kindness does not mean weakness. You can politely say no. Just be honest, and direct. The rest should take care of itself, unless the person you are talking to has an agenda- and they will not accept a no.
At this point in the op-ed column, I would to like to plug an online book from the Toronto Library. The title is "You just Don't Understand" by Deborah Tannen. It examines the ways men and women express themselves. What is behind the words that are being spoken. I started and finished the book during this lockdown. All you need is a library card, and the internet.
Alright, I'm done.
Who is next....?
Men? Women? Others? I don't discriminate.....
Was it money issues?
Was it dishonesty?
Was it a simple but important misunderstanding?
Was it family- yours or hers?
Was it different expectations?
What was/were the reason/s?
Bonus points if you reveal your age and the age of the person you broke up with, and the length of time you were together.
It is my anticipation that of all the reasons people give, there will be a small number of reasons that will repeat throughout this thread.
I'll start things off
I had two significant relationships in my past, both in my later 20s. I am now several decades older. The first was with a Canadian Filipina who was 30 years old. I thought she was younger. She revealed her age early on. According to me, we were together for roughly one year. According to her, we were together for roughly two years. It turned out that she wanted to settle down & start making babies. When I realized this I did the honorable thing and I ended the relationship. We kept in touch for a short time afterwards, until she found a husband. This now meant no further contact. I look back favorably on those days. She took good care of me, not only sex, but in every other way as well. I knew she would be upset, but I did the right thing. She was a real sweetheart. It was tough, because I did not want to hurt her. I am sure she has made her husband a happy man. I can only hope that he was/is able to make her happy. In summary, I ended the relationship, because our expectations were not aligned. I have no rancor to her, and I'm sure she has no rancor to me. We do not share any acquaintances, so I am sure we will never bump into each other, except perhaps on the street, by accident. I look back on those days fondly. She made my life easier. It's tough to wear a mask, be on your best behavior, for a whole year, or two. She was the real deal.
Relationship experts (whoever they are) say the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else.
My second significant relationship just barely got started, and it lasted all of three or four months, roughly. She was 29, a few years older than I was, and also on the hunt to lock a man down. Silly me, I did not understand that. She was very attractive, and several of my buds expressed envy at the arm candy I had. I won't lie, being envied felt good. However, she never missed an opportunity to shit test me- calling me cheap, saying I run like a girl, and many other things to deliberately put me on the spot. As best as I can remember I responded with 'fine' or 'if you say so.' We barely started sleeping together, and then she invited me to have dinner with her family at her parents' house. I had the opportunity to meet her parents, her sister, her brother in-law, and her young neices. I was not keen on this, but I said yes anyway. To repeat- Silly me, I did not get that she had a plan. They wanted to check me out.
The next day or soon after, she said I did not pass muster with her family. I was not looking for a wife. I was only looking to have fun, so I did not care that I did not pass muster with them. She fired me. I was polite when she gave me my notice, I did not cry or beg her to reconsider. I might have calmly said something like 'I understand,' or words like that. Then I told her I still wanted to take her out to a fancy dinner. This was during the holiday season, and she spent what I thought was too much money on me, since we had only been together less than three months, so I felt obliged to respond in kind. After dinner I invited her to my apartment, and she said yes. But she would not sleep with me. Kissing fully dressed, was all she would permit. When it finally got through my head that no really meant no, I took her home, and that was the end.
We resumed our relationship a short time later, but the shit testing never stopped. Also at that time in my life, I felt it was more important to keep the peace than to say what I really thought (in hindsight, this was the training I received as a child- go along to get along, and as a kid, I did what I was told, most of the time, or suffer the consequences), and also in hindsight I understand how she might have been (was probably) misled. It did not end well. Lots of anger, from her, which I understand. Occasionally I wonder what would have happened if had the strength to be honest, or if I had broken free of my training as a child. Would she continue to shit test me? Would we have mutually agreed to end things? This was a woman that taught me a lot, just by being herself. What I finally figured out was that she was trying to control me*. This was never true with my Filipina gal, my Filipina gal was happy just to be close to me. I will put up with controllers to a point, if they explain why they want me to behave in a certain way, and it makes sense to me. But we were just getting started in this relationship that went nowhere fast. If she was done with me, as she had said, then why did she accept my offer for a fancy dinner? And why did she accept my offer to return to my place? I think she was not being entirely honest, at best she was unsure of what she wanted, at worst she was trying to extract resources from me, even if that meant she had to bend the truth. She should have cut her losses and said no to my offer. It was a little after this fancy dinner that she saw fit to be my girfriend again. One thing that nags at me is - why did she come back? We were together for a few more weeks, but when I refused to bow to her will she must have decided I was not worth the effort. Hence the anger.
In summary it was her that broke us up- both times, I was upset for a short time, but then I recovered. I think the reason for the breakup is because neither of us were honest. We both had an agenda, which is not a bad thing by itself. It becomes a bad thing when you try coercing people, and this was her style. She wanted someone malleable. I'd be willing to change my behaviour to a point, if she could make her reasons clear, and if I could see the benefit, then most likely I would. But neither one of us wanted to be used for someone else's agenda. This woman did not make my life easier.
In both cases I did a postmortem on those relationships- what went well, what went poorly, what to say, what not to say,....etc.
One thing I learned is that fear is always behind anger. Knowing this, think about the times in your life where anger was present, and you will rethink the situation. For instance, when your parents got angry with you when you stayed out past curfew, back in the day. Fear is what got them bent out of shape.
*We are always controlling each other. We have all been controlled/trained to stop at a red light. And everybody is happy to be controlled in that way. People stop at red light because they choose to. They know that stopping at a red will make their life easier.
Among other things, I learned that very attractive women see the world differently, because their experience of being in the world is different from the rest of us. They usually get lots of attention (not all of it is wanted, this can make them bitchy, I suppose I would behave the same, having no peace whenever I was out in public. One of my brothers many years ago talked about a gorgeous female friend of his, whom I had met, and it's true, she was gorgeous, centerfold worthy. He said she often dressed down, made herself less attractive, when she left the house). Many are taught they don't have do anything to receive privileges, just show up, and privileges are given to you. This reminds me of a woman who I was a childhood friend with. We went our separate ways when grade school ended, and many years later we met up again. She developed into a very attractive lady (who much later killed herself). We went on a few dates, one date was to the Ex, and at least once we were waved in ahead of the line. In that case the bouncer even said to her face something like "I'm letting you skip the line because you're so attractive." At the time I thought to myself WTF? Actually, I still think that way.
I'm also thinking it can't be easy when women lose their youthful beauty, when just showing up used to get them lots, and now gets them lots of nothin'. They had become accustomed, taught, to expect extra consideration. This is the meaning of the quote from Lauren Bacall who said "Every beautiful woman dies twice."
I have always been polite and give basic respect to others, but for many years now I have also been honest, and direct. I no longer worry about saying no to someone, for the sake of keeping the peace. Because of this many familial relationships have changed for the better, for me. The others in my family whom I had taught could take advantage of me, no longer do. I have learned that people have more respect for a clear, unambiguous no, than for a wishy washy reply- something that means no, but you do not want to say no, and you hope the person you are talking to will just get it by osmosis. I have also learned that people take you much more seriously if you speak calmly (and carry a big stick). Like everything else this takes practice, and the more you do it , the easier it gets. If they can't handle your reply, they can yell and scream, and often they do. I have been yelled and screamed at from people at a much higher station in life. This tells me they have nothing left in their quiver. Also, I have learned there is much less likelihood of a misunderstanding when you make yourself clear. Much less chance of someone saying 'when you said this, I thought you meant that.'
Now if wifey says she would like...
If it's not clear to me I will ask her straight out 'Are you asking me to do this thing?' Sometimes she will say yes, other times she will say no.
Remember, you can disagree without being disagreeable, and kindness does not mean weakness. You can politely say no. Just be honest, and direct. The rest should take care of itself, unless the person you are talking to has an agenda- and they will not accept a no.
At this point in the op-ed column, I would to like to plug an online book from the Toronto Library. The title is "You just Don't Understand" by Deborah Tannen. It examines the ways men and women express themselves. What is behind the words that are being spoken. I started and finished the book during this lockdown. All you need is a library card, and the internet.
Alright, I'm done.
Who is next....?
Men? Women? Others? I don't discriminate.....
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