So I'm going to tell my client's "hooping" story. Hooping - for the uninitiated - is the procedure of wrapping your recreational contraband of choice in a condom and shoving it up into your rectum to be eagerly unpackaged and savoured during those long and tedious hours in the jail. Simple, you surmise?....
Well, no. Anti hooping procedures are employed by the jail guards and all arriving prisoners are required to drop their pants, bend over, clasp their ankles and cough.
There is a calculation to be made. A series of calculations. If pushed too far into the colon, the package cannot be retrieved as required and will emerge at its own time and place of choosing. If too large, the package will fall victim to the anti hooping tactics of the jail guards and POP out onto the floor when the prisoner coughs. And if smaller than optimum, well the prisoner's enjoyment will be correspondingly diminished.
My client was doing weekends and he made a friend, a young man whom he described as "that stupid-shit, Russian fucking goofball, Dimitri". Dimitri was ambitious. As the two friends inserted their packages of contraband - "hooped" in the parlance - my client noticed that Dimitri's package was, well..... basically fucking immense.
"Dimitri, you dumb-ass, Russian motherfucker," my client opined "No friggin', goddam way all that stays in your ass when you bend over, ehh!"
Readers may take this as good, small town Canadian commonsense, expressed directly and in a helpful manner. But - as may have been guessed - the arrogant foreigner merely smirked, clenched his ass tightly, pulled up his pants and walked - a little awkwardly - on.
Now this story has some of the aspects - or ass-pects - of a morality tale. At the jail, my client hung back, innocently curious and allowed Dimitri to walk forward towards the guards. (I think the term "stride" would not at all have been accurate in these circumstances). Dimitry feigned nonchalance as he dropped his pants and with only the slightest grimace bent over and...... coughed......
As my client had predicted, the massive, shit-streaked condom of contraband squirted out of Dimitri's "hoop" and skittered across the tile floor, the guards simultaneously impressed by the size of Dimitri's ambition and the magnitude of the contraband and, well simply, flat-out disgusted.
And the moral of the story?... Never stick up your ass more than you can hold in when you're going to jail, I guess.
