Anybody else hobby while in a "happy" marriage
- Thread starter GrillMeister
- Start date
Guys, I'm not trying to justify anything. That's why I typed happy in quotes. All I was asking was if there were others out there in my situation. Clearly there are. To the people that don't understand, I understand why you don't understand.
It is true that many men love the freedom to act as sexual predators with a clear conscience, that comes from their belief that doing so is in his DNA.
But it ain't so. The DNA of chimpanzees, lions, elephant seals, and many other animals, is that of a sexual predator -- but not men.
The DNA of every living creature has been passed down to the creature from its parents, grandparents, and on back through the generations. The one thing all those ancestors had in common is that they all raised offspring to maturity - humans, hyenas, every species.
But throughout the countless human generations, becoming a grandfather must have been something of an unusual achievement, what with disease, predators, etc. And yet every single man jack of your forefathers fathered at least one kid, being a kid who reached maturity and had kids of his own. Not one single exception to that iron rule.
Now, humans are very unusual in that human offspring are helpless and vulnerable for ten years or more. No other animal comes anywhere near that period of dependency. What is the trick to protecting and nurturing vulnerable offspring for ten years or more -- why, sharing the load of course.
It can't be ruled out that, over the generations, one of your ancestors might have been raised to maturity by a single parent - but you'd better believe that having two parents around for most of your childhood was a key factor whether or not you reached maturity, and by far the huge majority of kids who made it were raised by parents who stayed together and raised the kids together.
Even the most virulent men of the my-genes-make-me-a-sexual-predator persuasion, is forced to acknowledge that in fact we get our DNA from ancestors who stayed together to raise their families. Those ancestors had genes that gave them the abilities to raise a family, and genes that made them want to do it -- and because they succeeded, they have passed their genes for succeeding onto us.
Genes for being a sexual predator work for gorillas, lions, hyenas, and many other species. But not for humans.
Do you want real proof that you have genes that equip you to fall in love with a woman and raise a family with her?
Think of this: all the species in which the males have genes for being sexual predators do not discriminate between females. But human males have a distinct DNA-generated preference for females with smooth clear complexion, high hips-to-waist ratio, firm round breasts, strong arms and legs, and all the other things that signal health and vigour to the subconscious male mind.
But human men are repulsed by wrinkled saggy females. The revulsion comes from our genes, just as much as does the attraction to young healthy women. Our genes tell us not to bother with the wrinkled woman, as she is not a good bet for the long term relationship needed for raising a family -- which is all our genes care about.
The fact that you have the genes that make you attracted to healthy fit young women, and repulsed by saggy tired old women, is proof that your genes want you to choose someone to stick with long enough to raise your kids, together, to maturity, to have kids of their own.
True sexual predators of the animal kingdom don't have genes that give them the will-she-make-a-good-mother preference. Only humans have genes that do that.
If your DNA really wants you to be a sexual predator (like a chimpanzee), you wouldn't be repulsed by saggy wrinkled women. The fact that you prefer young healthy women proves that what your genes are really telling you is to fall in love and raise a family.
I submit that it proves nothing. A majority of men would and do gladly fuck women who look like shit. Preferring women who look like they can give birth to a healthy child only means that men want healthy children. Nothing to do with love or family.
I think it provides a good way to have kids and raise a family, but I agree, that the cons seem to be starting to outweigh the pros.
I was married....had kids...divorced...spent a fortune...and now remarried again. It something that I swore that I would never do again, but I am really loving it the second time around.
I hobbied somewhat sporadically for my first marriage to survive the 20 years of ups and downs, but have had no inclination to hobby the second time around.
Being a sexual predator doesn't mean you have to be entirely indiscriminate about it. We do differ from chimps and other species in that our sexual predatory exploits can be and often are more complex. Mind you, TONS of men (majority?) will gladly have free sex with the type of woman you described.
I don't know too many who have cheated on their spouse.... although I'm sure some have out of the 100s of couples I know, there's surely more than a few that are obvious instances mutual friends all know about too. Heck, I'd say 30-40% of people I know at my age are divorced or separated.... which means there's some shady things going on.
Never the less, isn't a marriage supposed to be love and devotion to your significant other? lol
If so, why is that every couple I know (even the happily married ones) all love it at nice bars and restaurants, or at work when it comes to flirting with others, or getting flirted back?
You see that big smile on their face and all twinkle eyed as if they are going to sneak in the back room and make out for a bit! It's like they just met a new lover or something.
Let's not delude ourselves here: marriage is a human construct, and for many centuries it wasn't based on romance, it was arranged based on a partnership of families / establishing bloodlines and parentage, etc. Heck women were married off to seal agreements if they were royalty, or given/gifted away (dowry) to be taken off their fathers' hands... Love had little to do with it, but if they were lucky the guy they got married to wasn't a completely abusive ass, or they "grew to love each other".
Modern day marriage is a two-headed beast: you have the supposed romantic/spiritual aspect (the wedding/relationship), and you have the complex and painful legal aspect of it (the marriage). So it's a business partnership to someone you hopefully love romantically, but love is not a requisite element to get legally married and it certainly doesn't factor into things when marriages end (look at the bitter divorce settlements/battles).
Personally I don't understand in this day and age why people bother to get married at all (especially in Canada) when Common Law exists and the population increasingly leans towards agnosticism or atheism. Once you remove the religious component and only have the romantic component, why do you care whether you're legally married or not? The difference between the two, legally-speaking, has shrunk appreciably. You can pledge to be together forever without a stupid license, and if you need those critical life & death decisions made on your behalf you could always give your partner Power of Attorney.
Also let's not kid ourselves: how many genuinely "happy" married couples do you know? I see plenty of busy married couples, but they don't really interact romantically - they raise kids together as near-sexless roommates. I have dozens of married friends, and of them I can only clearly think of 4-5 couples who love each other through-and-through and they make marriage seem worthwhile (and effortless, the bastards... lol). The other ones are all "we got married because that seemed like what we were supposed to do next" / "she really wanted to get married" types. Some are already estranged, some have filed for divorce, and others simply have a shot-clock ticking over their heads... The luster of a new marriage wears off quickly, and you'd be surprised how many people say "if I had to do it over again I wouldn't, but we're together now and I can't be bothered changing things" after a few years of matrimony.
I'm not married, but do have a partner that's for the most part a wonderful person and I enjoy most of my time with them. But they are not enough to satisfy my appetites, and that's mostly on me - I've discussed most of my dissatisfaction openly and my partner has tried to accommodate in their limited fashion, but it's a drop in the bucket and hence my hunger goes on and I occasionally hobby, though I now restrict myself to "safe" activities to minimize any potential risk to myself and by extension, my partner. My cravings are infrequent (I can go months or even years without a dalliance), but they are resilient (thus far) and I will make no apologies for that, and do not wish to trade a relationship that works on so many levels for its failure to work "perfectly" on one lagging aspect. Soon I'll be too old to really worry that much about sexual gratification anyway, and by then I'll have dropped down to their level and be done with side activities.
Modern day marriage is a two-headed beast: you have the supposed romantic/spiritual aspect (the wedding/relationship), and you have the complex and painful legal aspect of it (the marriage). So it's a business partnership to someone you hopefully love romantically, but love is not a requisite element to get legally married and it certainly doesn't factor into things when marriages end (look at the bitter divorce settlements/battles).
Personally I don't understand in this day and age why people bother to get married at all (especially in Canada) when Common Law exists and the population increasingly leans towards agnosticism or atheism. Once you remove the religious component and only have the romantic component, why do you care whether you're legally married or not? The difference between the two, legally-speaking, has shrunk appreciably. You can pledge to be together forever without a stupid license, and if you need those critical life & death decisions made on your behalf you could always give your partner Power of Attorney.
Also let's not kid ourselves: how many genuinely "happy" married couples do you know? I see plenty of busy married couples, but they don't really interact romantically - they raise kids together as near-sexless roommates. I have dozens of married friends, and of them I can only clearly think of 4-5 couples who love each other through-and-through and they make marriage seem worthwhile (and effortless, the bastards... lol). The other ones are all "we got married because that seemed like what we were supposed to do next" / "she really wanted to get married" types. Some are already estranged, some have filed for divorce, and others simply have a shot-clock ticking over their heads... The luster of a new marriage wears off quickly, and you'd be surprised how many people say "if I had to do it over again I wouldn't, but we're together now and I can't be bothered changing things" after a few years of matrimony.
I'm not married, but do have a partner that's for the most part a wonderful person and I enjoy most of my time with them. But they are not enough to satisfy my appetites, and that's mostly on me - I've discussed most of my dissatisfaction openly and my partner has tried to accommodate in their limited fashion, but it's a drop in the bucket and hence my hunger goes on and I occasionally hobby, though I now restrict myself to "safe" activities to minimize any potential risk to myself and by extension, my partner. My cravings are infrequent (I can go months or even years without a dalliance), but they are resilient (thus far) and I will make no apologies for that, and do not wish to trade a relationship that works on so many levels for its failure to work "perfectly" on one lagging aspect. Soon I'll be too old to really worry that much about sexual gratification anyway, and by then I'll have dropped down to their level and be done with side activities.
I ask my self that question all the time but still no matter how I look at it or how others try to explain it, it is the contradictory truth for many
Dane Cook explaining the secret to the everlasting LOVE wich holds some truth...
Depsite how many lies the society and your beliefs force down your throats there is still the truth in our existence and nature that drives us.
Instead of cheating on here with the civies I choose to do it with the professionals. Yes, I answered that question many times in my head and to others...how would I feel if she did the same. Well if it made her a stronger person and strengthened our relationship why not do what it takes and what works through practice. But then why be married, right? Thats a whole discussion on to itself. There are benefits to staying true to this official union. Also, it paradoxically strengthens the intimacy due to the driving force of our nature. i.e. she senses pheromones of another female on me which triggers her hormones to react to this threat. ..etc.
Guys don't let them feed you their lies laced with their moral compass and biases...just do what feels right and works for your situation based on experience and observed outcomes., you can't really win against nature also they don't need to know everything despite people guilty tripping and burning their ideas into you.
Example: My 4 close friends:
1. Happy, Married with kids - Loves his life/wife, has even turned down women and would not consider cheating
2. Tired/Frustrated but, Loves his kids and wife most the time - they crazy/angry f*ck and make the marriage work.(flirts but, is scared to cheat because she would destroy him)
3. Happy, Married with kids, loves everything about his life but, needs variety so steps out.
4. Frustrated in life and marriage so cheated and is divorced and Happy Now!
5. Me - Single and generally happy, love variety and freedom but, do see the value in family and kids. Just not for me, unless during holidays/birthday/events.
1. Happy, Married with kids - Loves his life/wife, has even turned down women and would not consider cheating
2. Tired/Frustrated but, Loves his kids and wife most the time - they crazy/angry f*ck and make the marriage work.(flirts but, is scared to cheat because she would destroy him)
3. Happy, Married with kids, loves everything about his life but, needs variety so steps out.
4. Frustrated in life and marriage so cheated and is divorced and Happy Now!
5. Me - Single and generally happy, love variety and freedom but, do see the value in family and kids. Just not for me, unless during holidays/birthday/events.
Really interesting question, and I'm really interested in the responses.
I was in a very happy marriage, which ended. I did not seek sexual relations of any kind outside of the marriage at any time. My ex was hot, but sex hadn't really (positively) evolved since we first got together which was a long time before we divorced.
Hobbying and a happy marriage aren't necessarily mutually exclusive, however I haven't had a partner that would even consider leeway.
I'd say if the sex isn't great and more importantly you can't talk to her about it or your intentions/need to hobby, it's not as happy as it should be to ensure you avoid failure.
Getting to a marriage counsellor (or sex coach) to at least discuss this is probably worth the temporary discomfort of the meeting. Keep TERB out of it, as separation isn't a walk in the park. Divorce, surprisingly for me, has led me a happier place than I ever thought possible, even while "happy" in my marriage.
Good luck OP!!
