How do you married guys do it?

[kkelso]

Like many of us I spent a chunk of the holidays with family, I stayed 4 days at my cousin's house. He and I are less than a year apart in age, raised very close to each other, and we have similar values & personalities. He got married 15 years ago and I never did. His wife is educated and professional, seems like a basically reasonable person, good mother and still pretty cute for early 40's.

What started to irritate me, and then infuriate me over the four days was her constant negativity towards him. I'd swear that the entire time I was there 90% of statements he would make she would respond to in disagreement. I'm not talking about disagreement over religion, abortion rights, or gay marriage - I'm talking about :

He: Looks like it might snow
She: It's not going to snow, you're never right about that

He: I think they'll pick up garbage on Friday
She: They won't pick it up, you thought that last year too

He: It's warm enough for the kids to go out without a hat on for a few minutes
She: They'll catch a cold, put on your hats!

And on, and on, and on. Every. Little. Thing.

I had half convinced myself that their marriage was in trouble when they had two other couples over for a small party Christmas party. Throughout the entire evening I saw the same thing times 3 with all of the husbands and wives. All of this in front of all their kids, the constant bang-bang-bang on the head that Dad is an idiot who is wrong about all things big and small.

After a few days I was about to smack her, I can't imagine living in an environment where you are constantly made to feel like you are always wrong. I asked one of the other husbands about it after he'd had a few drinks, his response was "you've never been married have you?"

Is this really the norm?


KK

 

[pablice]

This is a sign that there is something wrong. Simple as day. It could be little or big but something is wrong. My intuition reading your post is that she may be messing around and trying to get him not to like her so it is easier for her to leave. Just a feeling I get, I am probably completely wrong, however this happened before to a family member and later they got divorced and I said the same thing to my wife.

If the two parties are willing to work it out nothing can break you apart they will figure out a way. If one party has a hidden agenda and does not want it to work out it will fail. Both are needed to give it all.

 

[zefroggy]

It's pretty common to see. And this time of year things ramp up because of the financial and social pressure of the Holidays. The sheen of the first year as vanished and one or both in the relationship realized that there was a large point of contention. Rather than addressing it, the constant bickering starts. It will last until the real issue is addressed.

Not much you can do. When my wife starts, I just ask her what she really wants and has in mind. She puts all her grief in my face and then I act or respond accordingly. Unfortunately, most men just decide to take the small crap instead of getting hit with the big one. Life choices, but not about marriage. Same goes with work and any other relationships.

 

[anonymong]

Most of my friends around my age are married, I'd say 75%. I can't recall seeing that situation ever ... it sounds terrible. When I see my married friends, it seems like a marriage of equals or they are best friends, supportive of each other. Some of these people have been married 15, 20, years or more. Your cousins situation does not sound good and I don't think it is normal based on my experience. :-(

 

[james t kirk]

Like

After a few days I was about to smack her, I can't imagine living in an environment where you are constantly made to feel like you are always wrong. I asked one of the other husbands about it after he'd had a few drinks, his response was "you've never been married have you?"

Is this really the norm?


KK

Sounds pretty normal to me.

I find women tend to treat their husbands like kids. It's exactly the situation you've just described. They just can't help telling you what to do like you're a 5 year old.

I've seen it over and over and experienced it myself. You can have a job where you're in control of millions of dollars of resources, personnel, and life or death, but women for some reason just think that they are smarter and that they know better (Even if they're not and they don't). You're just a dufous to be humored and tolerated and controlled, but in the end, you're a dummy. I don't know if it's a control thing (as women tend to be controlling (since they truly are physically weaker in comparison to men, so, they have learned over the ions how to get what they want not by physical means, but by subtley controlling males) or they tend to be mothering (which is inherently a controlling role now isn't it.))

So they just can't help it.

If your cousin doesn't push back, then it's his fault. He is only encouraging bad behavior and it will make the situation even worse. (It's probably too late for him anyway, he's taken the easy road of acceptance and submission rather than standing his ground even when he knows he's right. I'm not talking about being an asshole here either by the way, just not putting up with female bullshit. If she starts to treat you like a child, all it takes is a stern, "stop treating me like a child". You'd be surprised, but it works.)

Since you've never been married, you haven't experienced it. He's right.

 

[pablice]

Good advice. Although I would be careful with this approach. I never underestimate a woman and this could be the beginning to a chess match.

Sounds pretty normal to me.

I find women tend to treat their husbands like kids. I've seen it over and over and experienced it myself. You can have a job where you're in control of millions of dollars of resources, personnel, and life or death, but women for some reason just think that they know better. You're just a dufous to be humored and tolerated, but in the end, you're a dummy. I don't know if it's a control thing (as women tend to be controlling (since they truly are physically weak, they have learned over the ions how to get what they want not by physical means, but by subtley controlling males) or they tend to be mothering (which is inherently a controlling role now isn't it.)

So they just can't help it.

If your cousin doesn't push back, then he is only encouraging bad behavior and it will make the situation even worse. (It's probably too late for him anyway, he's taken the easy road of acceptance and submission rather than standing his ground if and when he knows he's right. I'm not talking about being an asshole here either by the way, just not putting up with female bullshit.)

 

[canada-man]

it's time for a marriage counseling

and yes that cousin needs to check her behavior

 

[bolt.upright]

My wife is nothing like that. I wouldn't put up with it, and she knows it.

Not that I'm the big, bad, evil boss or anything. We really don't get on each other's nerves and, I think, genuinely respect each other. I'd be out the door if my wife treated me like that, and vice versa I'm sure.

 

[Tiger]

KK I wonder if your cousin hobbies too?
That's one way he can tolerate the wife if she acts like that

 

[Ref]

After a few days I was about to smack her, I can't imagine living in an environment where you are constantly made to feel like you are always wrong. I asked one of the other husbands about it after he'd had a few drinks, his response was "you've never been married have you?"

This isn't the norm, it just happens that in this sample of couples, the woman is the penis of the relationship.

Couples in relationships that are based in equality will tend to distance themselves from couples in relationships similar to your cousin.

One of my closest friends is in a relationship very similar to your cousin. I can only stand to visit for 2 days max and then I have to leave.

 

[fmcgrew]

Sounds like my grand parents but they have been married for almost 70 years lol

 

[desigambler]

Like many of us I spent a chunk of the holidays with family, I stayed 4 days at my cousin's house. He and I are less than a year apart in age, raised very close to each other, and we have similar values & personalities. He got married 15 years ago and I never did. His wife is educated and professional, seems like a basically reasonable person, good mother and still pretty cute for early 40's.

What started to irritate me, and then infuriate me over the four days was her constant negativity towards him. I'd swear that the entire time I was there 90% of statements he would make she would respond to in disagreement. I'm not talking about disagreement over religion, abortion rights, or gay marriage - I'm talking about :

He: Looks like it might snow
She: It's not going to snow, you're never right about that

He: I think they'll pick up garbage on Friday
She: They won't pick it up, you thought that last year too

He: It's warm enough for the kids to go out without a hat on for a few minutes
She: They'll catch a cold, put on your hats!

And on, and on, and on. Every. Little. Thing.

I had half convinced myself that their marriage was in trouble when they had two other couples over for a small party Christmas party. Throughout the entire evening I saw the same thing times 3 with all of the husbands and wives. All of this in front of all their kids, the constant bang-bang-bang on the head that Dad is an idiot who is wrong about all things big and small.

After a few days I was about to smack her, I can't imagine living in an environment where you are constantly made to feel like you are always wrong. I asked one of the other husbands about it after he'd had a few drinks, his response was "you've never been married have you?"

Is this really the norm?


KK

Brother. What you described in your post sounds pretty normal to me. I believe they are a great couple. Having disagreements on little things is a sign of strong. You can't agree with your spouse all the time. The things you described sound like the husband likes to tease his wife just to keep the conversation.

 

[Serpent]

You can have a job where you're in control of millions of dollars of resources, personnel, and life or death, but women for some reason just think that they are smarter and that they know better (Even if they're not and they don't). You're just a dufous to be humored and tolerated and controlled, but in the end, you're a dummy. I don't know if it's a control thing (as women tend to be controlling (since they truly are physically weaker in comparison to men, so, they have learned over the ions how to get what they want not by physical means, but by subtley controlling males) or they tend to be mothering (which is inherently a controlling role now isn't it.))

So they just can't help it.

I don't think it is fair to bring one's career standing into a relationship like that (should we as humans define our worth in terms of our job responsibilities?) .....a relationship isn't a CEO telling the other person that she's a Manager and therefore, her concerns/feedback/attitude/personality etc etc is irrelevant or at best case of minimal value.

I'm not disagreeing with you completely because I know and understand what you mean but I'm not sure if I'd put it like that.

edit: But I definitely agree that if a man is well accomplished in his career and his life in general, he should get respect from his mate for that (not that it is carte blanche to be a poor partner otherwise). And vice versa. Is RESPECT the keyword here?

 

[james t kirk]

I don't think it is fair to bring one's career standing into a relationship like that (should we as humans define our worth in terms of our job responsibilities?) .....a relationship isn't a CEO telling the other person that she's a Manager and therefore, her concerns/feedback/attitude/personality etc etc is irrelevant or at best case of minimal value.

I'm not disagreeing with you completely because I know and understand what you mean but I'm not sure if I'd put it like that.

edit: But I definitely agree that if a man is well accomplished in his career and his life in general, he should get respect from his mate for that (not that it is carte blanche to be a poor partner otherwise). And vice versa. Is RESPECT the keyword here?

I was simply giving some context to my post (if that's possible) in that a man can be intelligent and together in his life and yet his wife can still treat him like a kid.

 

[DanJ]

KK I wonder if your cousin hobbies too?
That's one way he can tolerate the wife if she acts like that

That's how I deal with it lol. And since she's the bread winner, she's paying for most of it lol. My wife isn't usually like that in front of friends or family, but alone, yes, I'm child number 3 lol.

 

[kkelso]

KK I wonder if your cousin hobbies too?
That's one way he can tolerate the wife if she acts like that

No, he's in the states and in a non-hobby friendly location to boot. He does teach college classes though so I'd assume that he has access to college girls. I have no idea if he has ever partaken.

He can't leave her though. They have two kids AND she is a lawyer AND they live in a very liberal state. He'd be chewed up and shit out in the blink of an eye.

KK

 

[notthemama]

SPs cost less and suck your dick when YOU want. Problem solved. Children are just the unfortunate collateral damage.
I like Dorito's for breakfast and Jello for dinner. And you don't have to worry about farting when you need to or clean underwear.

 

[Kifarurx]

Maybe taking that treatment from her is the only way he can get any action. Otherwise, I can see her cutting him off from that too.

 

[Serpent]

I was simply giving some context to my post (if that's possible) in that a man can be intelligent and together in his life and yet his wife can still treat him like a kid.

yep. But is that because she takes him for granted and/or doesn't respect him?

 

[good to go]

That lets you know who wears the pants and does not respect their partner. I would walk if my wife ever tried to treat me like that and she would do the same to me.