philosophical question on relationships

[dshaw4096]

So suppose you get divorced and you have a new relationship.

But you know in your heart of hearts that if she knew everything you had done in the past she would never have a relationship.

Are you deceiving the person, such that if you were a good man since you like her you would let her go lest you hurt her.

Or is it all about what you plan to do in the future and what was done in the past is inconsequential.

 

[ikakene]

Put yourself in her shoes. Is it important to you to know what skeletons she's got in HER closet? Is there anything that you could find out that she'd done in the past that would get you second guessing starting up a relationship with her?

Also, here's an addendum to your original question...

Are you deceiving the person if you plan to let them know about past indiscretions... at a trickle? Or is the ONLY moral thing to do, to spill all the beans, all at once and right away? (I mean, no one lays ALL their cards on the table at the first meeting. That's part of the dating game. You put your best foot forward, naturally. But when does putting your best foot forward cross the line and become rotten, crooked deceit?)

 

[frankcastle]

Great question.

As a rule of thumb people are advised to not ask about people's past if they are worried about what they might hear. But she knows that you ave been in other relationships and it's fair to assume that not all of them end because of the other person.

Are you planning on repeating what you did in the past? If the answer is no then I think this is your chance for redemption.

But it is tough to say. I mean do you have a bunch of shallow graves in your backyard. Are you not paying child support. Did you cheat on your ex wife. Gambling problem. Drug addiction.

 

[Hurricane Hank]

Did you test clean? If yes, you're good to go. She is the future....not the past.

 

[dshaw4096]

Are you planning on repeating what you did in the past? If the answer is no then I think this is your chance for redemption.

But it is tough to say. I mean do you have a bunch of shallow graves in your backyard. Are you not paying child support. Did you cheat on your ex wife. Gambling problem. Drug addiction.

I'm on terb - of course i have shallow graves.

Am I planning on repeating all my previous indiscretions - no. But its likely at some point I'm going to see another 22 yo submissive who enjoys to be spanked and dominated.

But then again sex is once again really good - and I never planned on do anything wrong when I met my first wife. I just know my daemons will eventually get the better of me.

 

[blofeld]

I'm on terb - of course i have shallow graves.

Am I planning on repeating all my previous indiscretions - no. But its likely at some point I'm going to see another 22 yo submissive who enjoys to be spanked and dominated.

But then again sex is once again really good - and I never planned on do anything wrong when I met my first wife. I just know my daemons will eventually get the better of me.

I came clean with my wife about seeing MPs/escorts. That was not exactly a painless process (emotionally speaking), but I felt it was important to be honest and I like to admit to the truth since it's what's easiest to remember. When you're admitting it, it does not cast your character in the best of lights and (at least I) felt somewhat cheapened by having done it.

Having said all that there are still times when I get an urge to drop in on an MP/escort, but the most paramount thing in my life is safeguarding the security of my wife's heart. I've been MP/escort-free for 7yrs now. I'm not preaching. I'm just saying when you do meet "the one", your priorities change.

 

[SillyGirl]

I prefer to disclose everything really early on. If a guy can't handle the fact that I once hired escorts for threesomes with my ex or that I still hang around with you wankers online, he's not the guy for me.

However, I think it's easier for guys to accept than it would be for most civilian women (with no experience in the adult industry).

 

[TeasePlease]

I prefer to disclose everything really early on. If a guy can't handle the fact that I once hired escorts for threesomes with my ex or that I still hang around with you wankers online, he's not the guy for me.

are you kidding? That disclosure would immediately advance you to "keeper" in most guys' books!

I'm not sure. At one point, I would have said full disclosure of past sins. Now, and after thousands in therapy bills, perhaps letting those skeletons stay in the closet is better. You really have to think hard about the benefits of rehashing the past. Often, there is little benefit.

Of course, that assumes that it's the past. If it's ongoing, you've got a whole new set of problems. In that case, I would think you owe it to your partner to tell her......

@ Bobby Hull - I think you're selling yourself short. Your infidelity may have been blamed for your divorce, but something else caused you to step outside your marriage in the first place.

 

[capncrunch]

Full disclosure when asked. There's no advantage to keeping secrets like that. They'll get uncovered by accident or design at some point. I prefer to sleep soundly at night.

 

[Buick Mackane]

Feel her out, find out why she broke up with her ex. Was she devastated because he cheated?
If so, spare her if you plan to continue hobbying and you can't mature as an adult. See if you can set up a more open relationship with only escorts that she knows about or go your separate ways now.

 

[great bear]

There would be neither time nor space for me to disclose my sexual history.

 

[curiousandlooking]

Some things are better left u-said!

 

[SinnamonFairbanks]

My dad had a pretty shady past. He beat and raped a woman and had to move two hours away to basically start a new life. He met a woman and didn't tell her anything. She didn't find out about the abuse until they were married for five years. She still doesnt know about the rape. But she loves him and is in total denial about it. Moral of the story.... Get her to love you, marry here and years down the road when you feel comfortable and your certain she won't leave you.... Then drop that bomb. Lol

 

[bobobots5]

...had to move two hours away to basically start a new life...

Two hours? Is that on foot or by car on the highway going @ 100km/h?

I came clean with my wife about seeing MPs/escorts...
Having said all that there are still times when I get an urge to drop in on an MP/escort, but the most paramount thing in my life is safeguarding the security of my wife's heart. I've been MP/escort-free for 7yrs now. I'm not preaching. I'm just saying when you do meet "the one", your priorities change.

That's good to know. Being able to bring it out in the open is probably the hardest part and now that it's out there, I'm sure that urge is probably easier to resist. Having met "the one" would definitely help out in resisting as well.

 

[fmahovalich]

You can tell the truth...without telli everything.

If you cheated...tell her that. You don't have to say with who...new girl may well understand cheating.

 

[userz]

Some things are best taken to the grave with you.

 

[jazzpig]

I struggle, not about disclosing my "past" but, rather, about how to answer the question "so, why did you get divorced?". I would never disclose my past. But, the answer to the (fair and common) question about why i got divorced is tied up with my indiscretions. I dont want to lie to start a potentially new relationship, but i dont want to start it by inferring i am possibly someone who cant be trusted. A dilemma...

I agree, it is a dilemma.
I am also trying to come to a firm decision as to how I will handle that when I finally find a serious partner.
I was never found out (although suspected as the majority of cheaters are) but it did erode at whatever was left of my relatuionship.
As much as I would love to start with an absolutely clean slate, with no lies between myself and my prospective mate, I don't think I will open the closet for the reason you mention,
you'll always be marked somehow, no matter what anyone says.
Once you've crossed the line, it's difficult for someone to look past it.
You can say the past is the past, but in truth it's a part of you. Everything in the past is. Anything else is wishfull thinking, even though we are all capable of change.
I don't think I would ever do that to someone I love again but how do you sell that conviction to someone else. I know it would bother me if it were the reverse.
If you murdered someone you could be as repentent as you want, you will always be a murderer to some degree no matter what the redemption.
I think many would prefer their partner to commit murder before they commit adultry.
The circumstances would have to be extraordinary for me to open that door for someone.
A real tough one...

 

[frankcastle]

Having gone both ways on full disclosure.

I am now firmly in a need to know only basis and only if asked.

Telling women about something like say hobbying or substance abuse tends to make them trust you less when you go out without them. It does the complete opposite of what you hope it will do which is bring you closer.

 

[doggee_01]

Some things are best taken to the grave with you.

amen

 

[james t kirk]

It all depends on the woman you're with. (Obviously.)

Many women are highly judgemental and if that's the case, you're probably already in trouble for some thing before you even know it.

Some women are a little more relaxed.

I know myself, if I loved a woman, I would not care if she had sucked a thousand dicks before mine. It would all come down to how she treats me and whether or not she's a good person.