I am counting to 1000!

[milehigh]

OK, My neighbor has a terrible disorder and is dying a slow death... degenerating slowly. I credit him in that he is staying as active as possible. Now he gets more and more difficult to predict.

My son and I have always helped him out, I always over-looked him using tools from my garage, knocking over oil and making a mess of my garage, and the list could go on.

I just figured he meant well, and just live with it.

Today he called me over and said my son is not doing enough for him. I was kind of shocked, especially since the kid is working 60 hour weeks and still finds time to help him.

I'm just kind of stunned... we have bent over backwards to help. I think I will just count to 1000 and not make a big thing of it, right?

 

[OddSox]

Sounds like you're dealing with some kind of dementia ? so comments like that would be totally expected. It changes personalities etc.

 

[rhuarc29]

Without specific details, I can't begin to determine what his comment stems from. It could be his disorder, or he could be a self-pitying jerk. I have a relative who is definitely that latter, and he doesn't even have a disorder!

 

[Aardvark154]

Sounds like you're dealing with some kind of dementia ? so comments like that would be totally expected. It changes personalities etc.

I would agree. My concern, however, would be whether there is a change in temperment going on such that may lead to violence.

I merely raise this as a point for consideration, having of course no way of judging the situation.

 

[Adam_hadam]

Let it go.
My aunt swore that "Gloria" was living under here bed and stealing all the presents her husband gave her. Its sad because 8 months earlier she was a teaching assistant at McMaster in the gerentology program (not bad for an 83 year-old) and was sharp as a tack.

 

[GPIDEAL]

Let it go. If not dementia, he could be angry at the world for dying before his time.

 

[alex52]

I think you know the answer to the issue before you posted.
But its good to vent, just think what you would be feeling if you had the same condition.

 

[milehigh]

Yeah exactly.... that's what I always think... so I just let it go. Thanks... guess that is the right thing. And yes he has been stranger and stranger.

 

[staggerspool]

Thanks to you for being a good neighbor. It is obviously not the easiest thing for you or your son, and it isn't your responsibility, it is a gift you give to the person you help and also something for the rest of us to think about, because we could all be there, on either end of the situation. I'm sure we'd all like to know that we have neighbors that would help us when we need it.

Given that, you do need to look out for yourself and your son. All of the following is offered out of respect for your good deed, and with the understanding that none of it might apply.

Your neighbor says that your son isn't helping enough, would that possibly mean that he is reaching a point where he needs more help than you can actually give? If so that is likely to become worse with time. Is it going eventually mean that you have to cut him off? I would anticipate that sort of thing coming along sooner or later. How to avoid that? Can you talk to other neighbors, see if they can pitch in a bit? Might there be government help available that your neighbour isn't currently accessing?

If there is dementia involved it is going to get more difficult - he has already indicated that he is unhappy in some way with the help you are giving him, if that unhappiness is becoming irrational you have to expect more of that, and it might well get into more disturbing situations. The human mind is capable of imagining almost anything, and if he feels that the world is letting him down that might be expressed in ways that make no sense, are completely unfair, and might even become frightening or dangerous. Just look out for that and think about how you would best handle it. Something really upsetting might well happen, and if you aren't prepared for what that might mean, it could result in more bad stuff than is necessary for both your family and your neighbor. Good to keep your head up.

Thanks again, you are a good person, best of luck with the situation.

 

[69Shooter]

You don't mention whether your neighbor lives alone or not. If he has a spouse have you talked to her? Does he have adult children that you're aware of? If so, it might also be worth speaking to them (if possible). Speaking with a spouse or adult child might allow you to get more insight into what is going on and/or possibly make them aware of his behavior.

 

[Madeline Rhodes]

Might I kindly suggest looking into http://www.ccac-ont.ca/ as you can do a neighbours referral.

 

[Rockslinger]

Today he called me over and said my son is not doing enough for him. I was kind of shocked, especially since the kid is working 60 hour weeks and still finds time to help him.
I'm just kind of stunned... we have bent over backwards to help. I think I will just count to 1000 and not make a big thing of it, right?

Yes, count to 1,000 and let it go. Making a fuss can never improve the situation. Neighbours can be strange and I've seen many many different personalities over the years. Sometimes, it is better to just mind your own business. Helping someone all the time might mean you and your son are just being taken for granted.

 

[milehigh]

Yes he has a wife, and 2 grown kids who don't live at home..... I think she is past her point of tolerence and needs her space from him. I am happy just living with the situation, although I have come home and seen him lying on the ground when he fell a few times. We have pointed out when he crosses the limits of wrecking our stuff, or storing stuff at our place to hide it from his wife, and he gets defensive, but he does back off a bit then. The other neighbors really don't help. He was really private and not that well liked before it all happened. It is not really such a big deal, but we now help, yet distance a bit.

 

[harryass]

1001, 1002, 1003, .......... not worth the stress for you

 

[frankcastle]

Tough situation. This is one of those thankless acts of continous kindness. So long as things don't go past annoying and weird I'd just live with it. It's really his family that needs to step up and recognize that the guy needs some help.

 

[milehigh]

Got kind of interrupted, sorry. Bottom line I can live with it. I think he can sense when he crosses the line of pissing me off, and backs off.. I think he realizes what he does. I'll help him, move things or something that is necessary. I won't help him with the stuff he occupies himself with. Re help but distance.

I really think it is fine, he just hit a real raw nerve the other day with what he said - kind of really pissed us off.

Really it's all good... I just couldn't believe what was said... but I'm calm again.

 

[Petzel]

Yes dementia and one of its forms alzheimers, do change people's personalities. Sad.........
Good luck Milehigh.

 

[Ohyesuare]

Sounds like he still knows what is going on and is being an ungrateful jerk. I would stop helping him and tell him to stay off your property, he can hire someone to help or his own family can do it. I have no problem helping people out but if they take advantage or are ungrateful then I have no problem stopping the help and ignoring them.

 

[jackson11]

Well if he is dying a slow death and wants more help and he is annoying you then one day "help" him to bed then put a pillow over his face. Don't worry if he is already dying it will look natural.

 

[milehigh]

Happy ending

Well, We kept our cool, and kind of avoided the neighbour for a month. Finally today, he and his wife called my son over and aplogized to him, and said he had been doing much more than should be expected over the years.

I do realize their life is obviously very stressful, so I think it best to just it slide, and totally forget was was said before.