To all the married hobbyists....

[Major Major]

True. So both of you feel that something is wrong in your marriage? Have you guys gone through couples conseling? It can help.

I'm considering counselling but it wouldnt work if I'm not willing to put all cards on the table (ie...I hobby; I dont think its necessary for me to share that to get my point across but these things are always most effective when you say it all...even the insignificant stuff)

I think there is a time and place for hobbying. Eddie Van Halen, one of the top rock guitarists of my age, once wrote that he played faster than anybody and couldn't play any faster. He went on to add that he used effects and his tremlo bar to break up the bursts of speed - to add texture and variety to his leads. That's how I view the hobby. It adds variety and texture to my sexual being, but it does not define it, and its not a substitute for love, or for my GF - who knows about my hobbying.

R2R

Well...I have hobbying in the right place....its not a substitute for love....its just no strings attached, hassle free sex which is what I want right now. But I can see that once I start needing more emotional content I'd likely quit the hobby and move on to likea concubine...

 

[ang]

I'm considering counselling but it wouldnt work if I'm not willing to put all cards on the table (ie...I hobby; I dont think its necessary for me to share that to get my point across but these things are always most effective when you say it all...even the insignificant stuff)
...

This will have to come out if you go, how do you expect to make things any better if you are not completely honest...who knows maybe you'll find out she's "hobbying" too!!!!

 

[GDLLover]

i have a question to all the married guys (i'm not) why can't you guys put the effort you put into this hobby into your marriage? it takes 2 people for the marriage to end up like that..

We all have different reasons, situations with wives aren't always as straight forward as you may think. You really do have to be there to understand. For some couples each partner fulfills every need of the other. In others not only do they not satisfy every need, they sometimes can't through no fault of their own. So why stay together? Well the most important need is satisfied so we must suppliment.

 

[browsing]

i have a question to all the married guys (i'm not) why can't you guys put the effort you put into this hobby into your marriage? it takes 2 people for the marriage to end up like that..

On the surface it may look that simple, but many times married couples have a lot more complexity to the situation than just that.

I've been married almost 17 years, and with my wife for over 20 years. Through all that time, we've always struggled with differing sex drives. Pretty much mine's always been there full tilt, and her's not so much. Sex when we do have it is great, it's just never very often (maybe once a month, 2 months sometimes longer). Sex for her just has never been a priority. I discussed my feelings about it but all it's ever ended up in was a huge fight and no resolution or change. For years I lived with it without ever straying, but last year I'd had enough. Almost 20 years of barely getting any wears on a man and I just reached that point and started hobbying a little over a year ago. Why should I have to beg and plead just to get scraps of sex here and there? Do I feel guilty? No. Strangely though, I feel guilty that I don't feel any guilt over it if that makes any sense lol.

Should the marriage end? No, kids are involved and it would be far too harmful to them. My wife and I don't fight constantly, so we're civil enough at home.

Years ago I would have said the exact same thing ASN, but after being in the situation for so long, my opinion's changed.

 

[ang]

Should the marriage end? No, kids are involved and it would be far too harmful to them.

Just a question...do you ever think about how your kids would feel if they ever found out that their Father was paying to have sex with different women?...I not judging in the least, just curious is all. I think a breakup would be less harmful for them

 

[esoterica]

Interesting thread. My marriage broke up due to lack of intimacy but I only started seeing SPs after I separated. It was not a "moral" issue - more where my head space was.

 

[browsing]

Just a question...do you ever think about how your kids would feel if they ever found out that their Father was paying to sex with different women?...I not judging in the least, just curious is all. I think a breakup would be less harmful for them

The kids would be devastated. The wife would be devastated. That's why there are some truths that should never come to light. That's also the main reason why I see SP's instead of having an affair. An affair would be too risky and unpredictable. I don't hobby that often, but when I do, I see an SP when it's convenient for me and then I go on my merry way. No strings, no one knows but me and the lovely SP.

 

[Major Major]

On the surface it may look that simple, but many times married couples have a lot more complexity to the situation than just that.

I've been married almost 17 years, and with my wife for over 20 years. Through all that time, we've always struggled with differing sex drives. Pretty much mine's always been there full tilt, and her's not so much. Sex when we do have it is great, it's just never very often (maybe once a month, 2 months sometimes longer). Sex for her just has never been a priority. I discussed my feelings about it but all it's ever ended up in was a huge fight and no resolution or change. For years I lived with it without ever straying, but last year I'd had enough. Almost 20 years of barely getting any wears on a man and I just reached that point and started hobbying a little over a year ago. Why should I have to beg and plead just to get scraps of sex here and there? Do I feel guilty? No. Strangely though, I feel guilty that I don't feel any guilt over it if that makes any sense lol.

Should the marriage end? No, kids are involved and it would be far too harmful to them. My wife and I don't fight constantly, so we're civil enough at home.

Years ago I would have said the exact same thing ASN, but after being in the situation for so long, my opinion's changed.

WOW.... you just described my situation to a tee.

yeah...with ASN's comment I just dismissed it as a guy who simply doesnt know because hes not been there

 

[Major Major]

Just a question...do you ever think about how your kids would feel if they ever found out that their Father was paying to have sex with different women?...I not judging in the least, just curious is all. I think a breakup would be less harmful for them

Actually...you'd be surprised how understanding kids can be at times. When I found out my dad was screwing around on mom I really didnt feel any negativity towards him; I could even kind of see it.

But even if the kids didnt take it that way and were devasted...how devastating do you suppose it would be for them if mommy and daddy always fight? or mommy and daddy split up and then the kids get dragged through a court battle and litterally watch the worst of both mommy and daddy come out n an effort to hurt each other? I'd argue that it would be substantially worse....its never black and white ang...just shades of gray

 

[needinit]

I'm married and I "hobby" primarily because my sex life at home is non existent and I dont feel guilty about fucking around at all... But what struck me as strange is it kind of donned on me that the concept of fucking my wife has become so foreign to me that I just cant picture it anymore

fucking a stranger feels more "right" and "comfortable" to me than my own wife...how odd is it that?

Do any of you feel this way? or is it just me

As my marriage ended I hobbied more and there was no sex life at home. Now with a real SO and don't hobby at all - although I did have one indiscretion when I thought my SO and I were breaking up, but sorted out now. I would say you are at the point where your marriage has ended and it may be time to deal with that!

PS My hobbying was the MP type so I don't see that as a big a deal as SP type hobbying.

 

[Major Major]

I've accepted that my marriage may be lost per se. Thats why I hobby and dont feel guilty at all because it keeps me agreeable at home (not "hobbying" specifically....the sex...I have my needs)...

Because one of my worst fears is losing my daughter; I think I could endure anything if it meant I'd get to have her and see her everyday. Thats another thing i never understood until I was there myself.


I was just wondering if my situation is all that unique

 

[Amused]

fucking a stranger feels more "right" and "comfortable" to me than my own wife... Do any of you feel this way?

Well it is difficult to say without being with your wife - is she hot ? If so I'll try both and let you know !

BTW: What would you do if your found out she is having sex outside the marriage for the same reason that you are ?

 

[oldstud47]

Well it is difficult to say without being with your wife - is she hot ? If so I'll try both and let you know !

BTW: What would you do if your found out she is having sex outside the marriage for the same reason that you are ?

Good questin but if it was me and I was wondering because she wasn't giving it but was out there getting it first i'd laugh then I'd kick her out on her ass sofast she wouldn't know what hit her

 

[GotGusto]

Every situation is different. You might have grown apart from your wife physically and mentally over the years so that she's not the person you married at all.

Similar things happen with some friends that you grow up with. You used to hang out with them all the time but could never envision doing so anymore. They're different, you're different.

 

[Major Major]

BTW: What would you do if your found out she is having sex outside the marriage for the same reason that you are ?

If she is having sex outside of the marriage because I chose to blatantly ignore her needs then I am ready for "whatever" would happen as a result.....

 

[genintoronto]

If she is having sex outside of the marriage because I chose to blatantly ignore her needs then I am ready for "whatever" would happen as a result.....

As is often the case, I think that Dan Savage says it best:

 

[nottyboi]

The kids would be devastated. The wife would be devastated. That's why there are some truths that should never come to light. That's also the main reason why I see SP's instead of having an affair. An affair would be too risky and unpredictable. I don't hobby that often, but when I do, I see an SP when it's convenient for me and then I go on my merry way. No strings, no one knows but me and the lovely SP.

I don't see why your wife would have any right to feel devestated. You have already expressed the concern, you have shown interest in her sexually, she has chosen to reject your overtures....WTF. If she ever finds out and is devestated, I hope you do not feel guilty. I don't think you have done anything wrong. In fact you tried harder then her to make it work.

 

[thagibbler]

COMMUNICATION.......I had the same type of situation and I had communicated that my needs were not being met countless times. Not in a selfish way because when I would bring up sex, the answer would be flipped to my work schedule, etc etc.....so finally I said if it doesn't change I can't promise that I won't end up having an affair or cheating, so we should just end it now. Well that changed everything and it actually has turned it to the point where sometimes I don't want to partake!! This is how I got into hobbying as she was interested in other girls as well......I am sure you have talked about it with your lady Major but I found being blunt and to the point worked the best......if it didn't/doesn't, maybe time to move on.....your mental health depends on it! Good luck.

 

[jiiimmm]

How about this scenario... Married twenty years, wife is gorgeous to this day and guy would like nothing more than to have a healthy sex life with her, she cannot. Has a disease and requires meds that totally kill desire and need. Sure she still tires once in a while but its not the same...on the bright side, guy still loves her more than anything, and greatly enjoys her company. On top of that, she is the mother of his two children and aside from lack of sex, it is a strong marriage. SPs and SCs offer a valuable service and keeps a guy in this situation sane. Sure the guy can date but he is happy with his partner and wants no drama.

Every situation is different, and why do married guys always need to defend what they do, especially on this board. If your happily married and your wife loves sex, get off this board and go fuck her! stop trying to make others feel guilty.

 

[reef]

How about this scenario... Married twenty years, wife is gorgeous to this day and guy would like nothing more than to have a healthy sex life with her, she cannot. Has a disease and requires meds that totally kill desire and need. Sure she still tires once in a while but its not the same...on the bright side, guy still loves her more than anything, and greatly enjoys her company. On top of that, she is the mother of his two children and aside from lack of sex, it is a strong marriage. SPs and SCs offer a valuable service and keeps a guy in this situation sane. Sure the guy can date but he is happy with his partner and wants no drama.

Pretty much like my situation, minus the length of time and kids.

It's hard....