Why did I let her slip away?

Caveman

Well-known member
Sep 9, 2001
1,276
428
83
I just came home from a very enjoyable dinner with the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever known. I got this surprised phone call late afternoon when I was still at the office. It was she at the other side of line. I didn’t even know she had my cell number. Apparently she got it from my sister. She told me she was in town for a meeting tomorrow and wanted to fulfill a promise to buy me dinner tonight.

It was about 3 months ago as I was reading The Financial Post one day and saw a familiar face of a picture in one of those appointment announcements. She had just been promoted to VP at a huge multinational company. I was excited to learn about the news and certainly very happy for her. That evening, I dug up her email address and sent her my congratulations, also jokingly said that she would have to buy me dinner now she’s making big bucks. The next day, she sent me a thank you reply and promised to buy me dinner next time she was in town.

**********

I knew her long before we started going to the same high school. Her older sister and mine were, and still are very best friends. Because of that, our parents also knew each other well. The first time I met her was the time that I went with my parents to see this high school play which both of our sisters were in the cast. Before the show, our parents saw the others and started chatting their ways. We were still at different middle schools at that time. I didn’t really know how to talk to her as I thought she was the most beautiful girl I had ever met but she was so nice and pleasant and started asking me about schools and other stuff. I also ended up sitting beside her during the show. For a 13 year old boy, I thought I was in heaven that night. I didn’t let my crush known to her for a while though.

Throughout high school, we both were always at the top of our classes but she often beat me in marks in every class including Math, my strongest subject. We were also very competitive in everything else like activity clubs, class reps, school council, drama, etc. Although we were good friends, we were never romantically involved. I went out with 2 other girls in my high school senior years and she always teased me of being drooled on by the girls without a slight hint of jealousy. I had thought about many times of asking her out, but never got enough nerve and was always afraid of being rejected. Like all the other boys in our school, we all thought she was way too pretty and smart for us and did not feel we were even in her league.

I don’t think my decision to stay at home and go to the local university had anything to do with her doing the same. I was in engineering and she took chemistry when we both went to the same university. We never officially got together but saw each other quite a bit since we both carpooled together with our sisters to go to school whenever our schedules allowed. We also seemed to run into each other a lot in all the places on campus. I believed it was her suggestion that we both volunteered to tutor some underprivileged kids on Saturday morning. A lot of times, we would go out for lunch after tutoring, but mostly with a large group of friends. By the time we got to our second year in university, our sisters had graduated and sometimes it would just be the two of us commuted to school together. One day just before Christmas, as I was dropping her off after school, I finally gathered enough courage asking her to go to the Christmas dance with me. It certainly made me feel much easier as she didn’t seemed to be surprised at all. Without any hesitation, she calmly said “sure”. Months later, she would tell me she almost laughed at me because I was so sheepish and seemed so nervous that day.

From that Christmas on, we were almost inseparable. We saw each other every day, sometimes at lunch, sometimes for just for a cup of coffee, or at library after school. We would wait until the other finished classes so we could commute back home together. By the following summer, when we went camping at Banff with a bunch of our friends, every one knew that we were a couple. Our sisters, who were best friends, were certainly ecstatic that their little brother and sister were now dating each other. Even our parents were so please that we always got invited to others’ houses for special functions. For us, we were totally in love. Over the next couple of years, we developed into a very steady relationship.

By the time we got to our final year in university, even though we were still very young, we were already planning our future together. She would stay in school and get her MBA and I would work for a few years. We were going to get married once she finished her MBA and by then I could consider going back to graduate school. We were never officially engaged or anything, but there were no doubt in our minds that was exactly what we were going to do.

After graduation, I got a job from a company in Toronto. We decided that it was too good an offer for me to turn down. She could have come to Toronto for her MBA as well, but she already accepted a very nice scholarship with the university back home. It was the first time we lived in different parts of the country. It wasn’t easy but we knew that we would be visiting each other during holidays. The first few months were especially tough for both of us. I flew home at Thanksgiving just that I could see her. I came home again for Christmas but could only stay for a few days since I did not have much vacation days. Then everything changed after Christmas.

After coming back from home for the Christmas holidays, I felt very down and missed her very much. It would be the first New Year eve that I would not be with her since we went out together. The time of the year also held special place in my heart: I kissed her the first time on a New Year eve several years before. A few of my friends at work insisted that we should go out to this party at a club on New Year eve. I went along and we met up with this group of girls who knew some of the guys in our group. One of the girls, I would call her Jen, was particularly interested in me. Jen was an aspiring actor and also a part time waitress. She was beautiful, outgoing and laughed a lot. She flirted with me all night and kept making fun of me by telling all these cowboy jokes. We danced and drank and by the end of the night, we were all snuggling up against each other, drinking our tequila and anything that brought in front of us. I even forgot to call my girl friend at 2 am which was supposed to be midnight her time. After we left the club, I walked Jen back to her apartment and I was so pissed that I simply passed out drunk on Jen’s couch while we were still talking.

The following Saturday, Jen invited me to watch her playing a role at one of the local theatres. After the show, I waited for her and we went out for a drink. That night, I slept with her. I felt very guilty in the morning, but kept seeing her later. By the time spring came, I was practically living at Jen’s apartment.

We always had this plan for her to come visit me in Toronto before she started with her summer job in Calgary. As it was getting closer to the time, I knew I needed to break up with one of the girls. I actually tried to break up with Jen first; she already knew I had a girlfriend back home who was planning to visit me in the summer. Our break-up lasted for about 10 days and we went back together again. My parents and my sister also heard about Jen from our cousin in Toronto, and my sister kept telling me I needed to make a decision. So a week before she was going to come out to Toronto, I finally wrote a letter, sent it to my sister, and asked my sister to hand it to her. It was the most deplorable thing I had ever done. She was devastated; I totally broke her heart.

My sister was getting married that summer and she already told me I should not bring Jen to the wedding caused my ex-girlfriend was going to be one of the bridesmaids. I did anyway. In retrospect, I shouldn’t have done that. I totally humiliated her in front of all the people who knew both of us. Jen and I didn’t last, before the end of the year, she broke up with me and moved to New York to pursue her acting career.

I didn’t see her for a long time after my sister’s wedding. I heard quite a lot about her though; our sisters were still best friends. I knew that after she got her MBA, she started working for this big multinational company in Calgary and was climbing up the corporate ladder very quickly. She got married about 6 years ago and of course I wasn’t invited to the wedding. The last time I saw her was at my sister’s house just before Christmas 2 years ago. It was my little niece’s 5th birthday. I happened to be home that year for Christmas. She was also visiting her family back home. She came with her husband and their baby girl who was just about 2 years old. I didn’t know whether her husband knew who I was but they were both very polite with me throughout the day. She also gave me a business card; by that time she was already the director of her department.

*********

(to be continued.......)
 

Caveman

Well-known member
Sep 9, 2001
1,276
428
83
Why did I let her slip away? (cont)

When I saw her tonight, I said to myself, “Gosh! She does look hot!” You can never tell she is already in her mid 30s and a mother. With her tight jeans and t-shirt, she can easily be mistaken for a college girl. I felt like a loser after listening to her about loving husband and kid, successful career and all that. She is very happy and her only regret is she’s not spending enough time with her daughter because of her work. When she showed me the pictures of her happy family, handsome husband and adorable daughter, I couldn’t help but thinking that could have been me in the picture.

I feel very depressed now thinking how different it would be if I didn’t screw up our relationship. Over the years, I had many (way too many) failed relationships and was actually engaged once. I kept meeting the wrong girls and looking for love at the wrong places. This hobby certainly doesn’t help. I’m living in a fantasy world thinking that the right girl will magically spring up in front of me some time. I hate myself for being selfish, for being so cruel to her and let her slip out of my life. The past keeps playing back in front of me now and I can see it so clearly that I feel sick.
 

MuffinMuncher

And very good at it
Oct 3, 2001
4,605
5
38
55
Here
terbin said:
whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Dont be an asshat. It was a sincere post, and whether or not you have an ounce of compassion in your pathetic 11-post body, the least you can do is be respectful of another person's pain.

Go back to whacking off to your Canadian Tire catalog. People like you are what's wrong with this world.
 

terbin

New member
Oct 25, 2006
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it was a joke. maybe a bad one but I think thats a little 2 personal for a place like here.
 

xix

Time Zone Traveller
Jul 27, 2002
4,167
1,402
113
La la land
Perfect

terbin said:
it was a joke. maybe a bad one but I think thats a little 2 personal for a place like here.
In way yes it is to personal. But do you have any idea how many of us here have been there?

You be suprised. Well it is good to take off the chest. You lost her now move on the 2nd one.
 

Questor

New member
Sep 15, 2001
4,549
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Caveman said:
The past keeps playing back in front of me now and I can see it so clearly that I feel sick.
An interesting and touching story. I'm tempted to say that you weren't ready to be with her. But who am I to say. You certainly had something nice going through high school and the beginning of university. Who's to say that you wouldn't be feeling trapped with your family and dead end job, if you had chosen differently. Its easy to see the grass as being greener on the other side of the fence. I've also said good bye to ladies that I wonder about. All you can do is live and learn, move on and try to make the best of the present and the future.
 

Bella6969

Banned
Aug 4, 2004
1,037
0
0
Under Your Skin*
see terben ... some of us have been on this board for a long time and have grown close or at least comfortable here with each other
i guess its our own little world ,, so its nice to read stuff like this

not always about the industry ... thats why its called the LOUNGE :)
 

grizzledvet

tental doss flycoon
Jun 9, 2002
1,073
3
38
Montana
I've looked back at things I've done, choices I've made and quickly remind myself, Never Look Back.

Firstly, there is not much you can do about it. And there are people in our lives now, who would not be here if we had done something different before. Don't wish these people out of your life, they are there for a reason.

Unless of course you don't like any of them and everything is going down the tubes.

I try to remember Eric Idle's funny little song from Monty Python, " Always look on the bright side of life ", funny, bizarre little ditty, but what's wrong with it?
 

tboy

resident smartass
Aug 18, 2001
15,972
2
0
63
way out in left field
yeah Bella, some of us pour our hearts out here and most respect that....

ANyhow Cavedude, don't be so caught up with what might have been. In your mind your life with her would have been fantastic but you never know. From what I can tell even though you were close, you had never spent a considerable time together and the true test of a friendship or relationship is living together. I've met many a female and male friends who I got along as well as two humans can but the minute we lived under the same roof, the friendship died a slow death.

Revel in your memories, enjoy what you have and be happy that someone you care deeply about is happy as well.....

Thinking too much of "what might have been" will only tear you down.....
 

Cobster

New member
Apr 29, 2002
10,422
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MuffinMuncher said:
Dont be an asshat. It was a sincere post, and whether or not you have an ounce of compassion in your pathetic 11-post body, the least you can do is be respectful of another person's pain.

Go back to whacking off to your Canadian Tire catalog. People like you are what's wrong with this world.
lmao
 

daKoolGuy

Well-known member
Jul 22, 2006
1,447
241
63
Toronto
A song for you Caveman - think it's appropriate.....

Artist: Cinderella
Song: Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone) Lyrics

I can't tell ya baby what went wrong
I can't make you feel what you felt so long ago
I'll let it show
I can't give you back what's been hurt
Heartaches come and go and all that's left are the words
I can't let go
If we take some time to think it over baby
Take some time, let me know
If you really want to go

Don't know what you got till it's gone
Don't know what it is I did so wrong
Now I know what I got
It's just this song
And it ain't easy to get back
Takes so long

I can't feel the things that cause you pain
I can't clear my heart of your love it falls like rain
Ain't the same
I hear you calling far away
Tearing through my soul I just can't take another day
Who's to blame
If we take some time to think it over baby
Take some time let me know
If you really wanna go

Don't know what you got till it's gone
Don't know what it is I did so wrong
Now I know what I got
It's just this song
And it ain't easy to get back
Takes so long

Do you wanna see me beggin' baby
Can't you give me just one more day
Can't you see my heart's been draggin' lately
I've been lookin' for the words to say

Don't know what you got till it's gone
Don't know what it is I did so wrong
Now I know what I got
It's just this song
And it ain't easy to get back
Takes so long

Don't know what you got till it's gone no
Don't know what it is I did so wrong
Now I know what I got
It's just this song
And it ain't easy to get back
Takes so long
 

peeler_feeler

B(.)(.)B Lover
Dec 5, 2001
2,124
37
48
55
Toronto
grizzledvet said:
Never Look Back.

Firstly, there is not much you can do about it. And there are people in our lives now, who would not be here if we had done something different before. Don't wish these people out of your life, they are there for a reason.
Great advice to not look back. Don't dwell in the past. In your mind's eye you imagine what could have been but you know that reality is vastly different. Be happy for her and that your lives crossed paths.

Thanks for sharing your story caveman.
 

savdream

Guest
Nov 13, 2006
7
0
0
That is a touching story, but it doesn't have to have such a sad ending. As mentioned, and very good advice, looking in the rear view mirror of life will always bring about some questions on decisions that have been made. It is easier to say than do, but you can't cry over spilled milk. Life is too short and fragile (you will learn this as you enter your 40s) to fret about what could have been. You have to look ahead and make your breaks. You would be surprised at how many of your fellow readers on this site can relate to your life journey. Hobbying provides a good short term fix but you must remember you are only buying a fantasy with it. Don't misread what is going on in that regard and let your emotions take over your reasoning. You must live for the now, not for the "what might have been" because it may not have ever been the way you are envisioning it. Don't be afraid to get professional counselling to deal with your situation. Hopefully, by letting it out on this site you feel a bit better and I think you will find most members are sympathetic and supportive of your plight. Good luck to you.
 

PincSuziQ

New member
Nov 6, 2006
41
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We have thoughts like that. Enjoy the joys you shared with her and the other girl. Accept that your decisons had consequneces and remember the great times you've had since that you wouldn't have had otherwise. The past is aplace tovisit occassionally so we can make better choices for our future. But the past is a shitty place to live and psend all your time in. When you do, you lose your present and your future. She has obviously forgiven you and opened the door to renew your friendship. Soem of my former girlfriends are my dearest friends. I still ove them but it's directed in different ways. When you feel a pang of regret,you can always fantasize about her!Then, refreshed, go back to living yourlife.

If you don'ty like how yourlife is now, it may be time to forgive yourself and change it! Step onbe, tell her how wonderful it is to see her happy and to hbe in touch again, tell her cheating on her was a great regret in your life, apologize and move onto a firnedship with her.
 

Shades

Shades of .....
Feb 8, 2002
2,999
2
38
Can't change the past, just how you view it.

Easier said than done, I know.
Cherish the good memories, try to continue to keep her as a friend, learn from your experience and move on. Create new experiences. The human heart is amazingly resilient...its the mind that bedevils you with all the "what if" questions. Try to focus on the 'now' and let the 'then' go.
Hang in there Caveman...good luck.
 

hunter001

Almost Done.
Jul 10, 2006
8,635
0
0
I wouldn't really normally comment on this but since you took the time what the heck.

Instead of feeling sorry for yourself maybe you should use her as a role model and feel good for her and her family.

If you spend time worrying about the mistakes you made instead of learning from them you cheat yourself of self development.
 

savdream

Guest
Nov 13, 2006
7
0
0
This is by far one of the most pschycologically stimulating discussions I have seen on this site (mind you I just joined). After all, the whole attraction of hobbying is pschycological, its in our mind that the fantasy is created even though it is felt physically in our loins. It is nice to see there are so many members who are not just articulate but also have a great insight as to how our minds work (or don't work). There is good life living advice in these posts for all of us. Thanks to everyone who contributed.
 

Svend

New member
Feb 10, 2005
4,425
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In a time like this, it's always good to go to Trooper song lyrics. :rolleyes:
=====

If you don't like what you got, why don't you change it?
If your world is all screwed up, then rearrange it.

Raise a little hell, raise a little hell, raise a little hell!

Raise a little hell, raise a little hell, raise a little hell!

If you don't like what you see, why don't you fight it?
If you know there's something wrong, why don't you right it?
 
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