'Toxic' Friends...

[MissCroft]

I'm having a bit of a dilemma. I've been close friends with someone for about 12 years...he's a man but our relationship has always been strictly platonic. I do realize that he has feelings for me and I do not feel the same way so that could be the problem. We just went away for the weekend and it was supposed to be just a fun trip but it really didn't turn out that way (for me anyway). Despite the fact that he doesn't like that I'm an escort, he's quite happy to spend my money. :-( Like when we go to a bar or restaurant I feel that he expects me to cover the bill because I have more money than him. So I tried to sit down and have a mature, adult conversation with him about it. His response was to sulk and give me the silent treatment. He said I made him 'feel bad'.

I know everyone is going to say just ditch him but it's complicated. He's been very supportive and a great friend when I was going through some very emotional times. I feel like I sort of 'owe' him for that in some strange way. And, at times, I have felt that he was my best friend but not so sure I feel that way anymore.

I know this may sound like an immature question and I should know what to do. I know I should probably end the friendship but would like some feedback. Has anyone here been through a similar situation? How did you handle it? I know it's a silly question but I'm really torn and this whole situation is driving me crazy. I've dumped bad boyfriends before but how do you 'dump' a friend......?

 

[great bear]

CC, would not suggest you dump your friend but you might consider to lessen the contact between the two of you. Obviously he has been a stand by for you in the past, if you outright dump him I think guilt would really get the better of you. Take Care, GB

 

[red]

its not silly- i can understand and relate- its harder to dump friends even after they have ceased to really be friends. When a friendship turns sour and has more negatives than positives then it is time to end it. If the person becomes a mooch- and sulks when confronted by it then it has to come to an end. I sense from your post you know what you have to do but not sure how to do it.

I think there are a few ways:

1. tell him in person that you are going different places and don't want to hang around anymore. Since he has feelings for you this likely would lead to an emotional scene

2. start a process of disengagement. don't return calls, last minute cancellations, avoiding friends in common if he will be there. harder than it sounds since it does take a certain amount of strength of will to stay on track. also less likely to lead to an emotional scene

3. only see him with your "large boyfriend" (real or an actor). he will get the message soon enough

 

[BohemianArtist]

I'm not sure if it's worth losing such an old friend over this. I would suggest that the next few times you hang out with him go somewhere cheap, like for coffee, or free, like going for a walk in the park. Hopefully he'll get the message without having to humiliate him by actually talking about it.

 

[simon482]

There may come a time in every relationship where it simply doesn't feel good anymore and the bad outweighs the good.

It sounds like that time has come.

Rather than have the big talk and formally cut it off, I find that it is better to simply fade away over a period of time. Make no effort to initiate contact and when he does, be happy and normal.. but busy.

Always busy.


Then later just say you don't feel like it, if he suggests doing something. Nicely, but now it is becoming clearer that you are choosing not to be around him.

It will fade over time and you have not caused a dramatic conflict.

that is what i was about to type up. people grow up and apart, friend ships are relationships as well.

 

[Aardvark154]

Chloe, What is actually bothering you? Is it that you feel you are being used (he sees you as a walking talking ATM)? That you don't connect the way you used to? That it was a mistake to go away together? That you are troubled that he still sort of "carries a torch for you" or what?

I think having a idea of what the issue actually is will help in giving you better advice.

 

[Casa_Nova]

I'm hesitant to suggest you to simply "dump" him as a friend. It is a privilege to have someone in your life for 12 years. Having said that, there are times that relationships need to be severed once they have unfortunately ran their course and people have drifted apart. I just wish to convey that it is important to really know what you want before making a choice. If you decide to end things and later on regret it, things will probably never be the same.

Ask yourself whether this person is truly still your friend. See if this person is better for you to have in your life or without. I would suggest that you have another conversation with him regarding the money issue. I might've genuinely felt bad and perhaps didn't realize that he was doing wrong by you. By bringing it up, it caught him off guard and he didn't know how to react. A real friend would examine himself and make accommodations to maintain the friendship. I think how he chooses to act or say during/after your conversation will probably give you insight on what state your friendship with him should be heading...

In the end, I just don't want you to make a choice that you might end up regretting. People are not like "things" where one just acquires or discards...

 

[MissCroft]

Chloe, What is actually bothering you? Is it that you feel you are being used (he sees you as a walking talking ATM)? That you don't connect the way you used to? That it was a mistake to go away together? That you are troubled that he still sort of "carries a torch for you" or what?

I think having a idea of what the issue actually is will help in giving you better advice.

All of the above, lol, but particularly the walking talking ATM part. Even on my birthday, I had to buy him drinks because he didn't have enough money. It's not even really about the money. It's more the fact that he occasionally insults me for working as an escort yet is happy to spend some of that money. You know, the more I think about it the more I realize just how toxic it really is. :-(

I didn't want to have the 'big conversation' with him but I guess I jst reached my breaking point. The trip was maybe not the greatest idea as it sort of pushed me over that edge. I really want to deal with it as a mature adult but he seems unwilling to do that (i.e. sulking). The truth is that I'm not sure if I want to be friends with someone who behaves like that.

I thank you guys for your advice - it is helpful.

Chloe XO

 

[traveler196]

A really good friend who sticks with you through thick and thin is a really rare breed. Tread very carefully.

 

[sleazure]

Maybe you just need to move the fences around a little bit.

If this is just about money, maybe you need to stop travelling together. Stick with the stuff that's proven, that's safe and comfortable for both of you.

 

[Petzel]

A really good friend who sticks with you through thick and thin is a really rare breed. Tread very carefully.

But just because he's been there for her doesn't mean she should have to pay his way. A normal friend always contributes or at least each takes turns paying.

 

[MissCroft]

If this is just about money, maybe you need to stop travelling together. Stick with the stuff that's proven, that's safe and comfortable for both of you.

I agree. This was our first trip together (and quite possibly the last) and I guess it brought everything to the boiling point.

 

[red]

All of the above, lol, but particularly the walking talking ATM part. Even on my birthday, I had to buy him drinks because he didn't have enough money. It's not even really about the money. It's more the fact that he occasionally insults me for working as an escort yet is happy to spend some of that money. You know, the more I think about it the more I realize just how toxic it really is. :-(

I didn't want to have the 'big conversation' with him but I guess I jst reached my breaking point. The trip was maybe not the greatest idea as it sort of pushed me over that edge. I really want to deal with it as a mature adult but he seems unwilling to do that (i.e. sulking). The truth is that I'm not sure if I want to be friends with someone who behaves like that.

I thank you guys for your advice - it is helpful.

Chloe XO

now that Chloe has solved her problem, we are free to carry on with wild speculations and unneeded advice in the best traditions of terb.

 

[great bear]

now that Chloe has solved her problem, we are free to carry on with wild speculations and unneeded advice in the best traditions of terb.

If CC goes on a trip with me I will gladly trade my puns for her buns.

 

[TeasePlease]

Part of the problem is that a pattern was allowed to become established. For whatever reason, Chloe has tended to be the ATM, so that's the expectation. I know how that feels. It stings even more when that friend comes into money and chooses not to spend it with/on you....because that's just the way things are. It can be the littlest things, like how they never offer to feed you when you're visiting, but you know they put out a spread if other friends drop by. It can be big things like reneging on repaying funds that they swore would only be loan.

The bigger problem is that it sounds like Chloe is feeling guilty for resenting this friendship now. There's a history, that you still value and appreciate. Yet, it sounds like that is simply that - history. You feel guilty because you still credit him for what he did, and you are loyal. But is he? It doesn't sound like it.

You're annoyed because you don't feel like you're getting enough out of this relationship now. Some people say that you shouldn't give expecting to receive. That's ideal, and would be true in a mutually loving relationship. But we need to receive as well. It's called reciprocity, and it's perfectly normal.

We can't give forever and get nothing back. The tank needs to be filled.

 

[MissCroft]

It sounds like you're not telling us something. And I don't just mean "the whole story", as if you're going to spill the beans on every nook and cranny of this friendship. I mean that it is striking you admit to feeling you "owe" him something. In good, long-term mutual friendships, we don't tend to add up what that friend has done for us and represent it as some debt we owe to them. Rather, what they have done for us, when we reflect on those things, are just part of the list of reasons why we value that friendship. Feeling like you "owe" him something, plus that you appear to have let him mooch off of you, suggests this friend has been kept at arm's length by you for a while now. We "owe" things to people when they do things for us on a contractual basis or out of the ordinary, otherwise we just have solid friendships in which the friend's help has been what a friend does. Maybe the arm's length is a subtle arm's length, one that has escaped his attention and maybe even yours? So what you're not telling us, and which you by no means have to, is what this sense of obligation means to you? In what way might this sense of obligation be the thing getting in the way of the friendship? If it were me, asking myself that question might be high on my list. Hope things work out.

I really don't want to say everything but when I dealt with the death of someone very close to me, he was there and was extremely supportive in what was a long and difficult grieving process for me. So I guess in a way I feel guilty for wanting to end the friendship.

TMI. lol Really I just wanted feedback on how to deal with toxic friends......

 

[ctv250]

Just curious, who paid for the trip? In any event, I know what you are going through. I have a FB and I have been thinking it would be better off if we stopped seeing each other. But like you, I feel like I owe her because she was there for me when I really needed her and now I feel guilty about ending it.

 

[great bear]

It's red. Red is Chloe's moochy friend. Kill red. Problem solved. If that doesn't work, kill fuji, that would make anyone happy.

Red is killing me in another thread. Kill Fuji? When?

 

[red]

It's red. Red is Chloe's moochy friend. Kill red. Problem solved. If that doesn't work, kill fuji, that would make anyone happy.

i am her smoochy friend. so the first part of your post is incorrect but the second part is right.

 

[HG Hunter]

I really don't want to say everything but when I dealt with the death of someone very close to me, he was there and was extremely supportive in what was a long and difficult grieving process for me. So I guess in a way I feel guilty for wanting to end the friendship.

TMI. lol Really I just wanted feedback on how to deal with toxic friends......

On a day to day basis, do as most have suggested. Keep it casual, keep your distance, talk and see him less often, etc. But if he's a true friend, and something life changing (like a family death) happens to either of you, you or he may still need each other's comfort. When times are tough and deep emotions are vulnerable, true friends are important and the small, less important things you may not agree on, will be all but forgotten.
Last year, an old friend of mine lost her father. We had drifted apart and hadn't seen each other in years, but I decided to go to the funeral to let her know I was thinking about her. The emotion we both felt when we saw each other was extremely powerful. The special bond we had years ago was still there, just buried a few layers beneath the surface. We reconnected briefly to catch up on what we'd been up to for the past number of years, but we both knew that we'd get back to our day to day lives and not see each other again until who knows when. But, the point is that we had a strong bond and that's worth keeping alive even through long periods of non-contact.