Time to step away?

[newguy2201]

Just wondering, for those that have been here a while, and either came and went and came back to the hobby, or even some that I have seen that are still here but don't hobby anymore, how did you know it was time to stop?

I have seen many posts advising new guys to not start this, so I know there are those here who understand the nature of this beast and that it can be addicting.

My story is that I found this hobby in December (3 months ago) after 19 years of marriage and 7 years of post separation celibacy.

I told some close friends that I was ready to step back into the dating world, and how long it had been since I got laid and one of them suggested seeing an escort. I started researching, found LL, then found this board, and had my first experience in December, which was supposed to be a one off.

Problem was, I liked it! It was intoxicating being the guy who got the beautiful girl, even if I had to pay for it. I decided to keep going and have been seeing various SPs for a few months now

A couple months ago I got on a dating app for the first time, telling myself I would just see if anything came my way, but not expecting much. I got a few likes here and there from women I was not attracted to.

Well a couple weeks back I was surprised to see that a very beautiful woman liked my profile. We started chatting and I asked her out. Went on a coffee date and long story short it didn't lead to date 2, but I realized that it felt nice to be in the company of a beautiful woman on a different level and be mutually interested in making real connection.

I'm a relationship guy at heart, always have been. As much as this hobby and my newfound sexual freedom has been fun to try on, I don't think it's me.

The whole time I was chatting and dating that woman I felt like I was hiding a dirty secret that she would certainly not be cool with. Even though we weren't an item it felt wrong to be seeing escorts while chatting with someone who could have been the love of my life

Anyways, now I'm at a crossroads. I really like seeing these women that I have gotten to know, but seeing that woman no matter how brief reminded me that I am always going to want more, and the 2 worlds are incompatible.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me? I kind of feel weird asking here but I can't really talk to anyone else about it.

 

[reaper29]

Just wondering, for those that have been here a while, and either came and went and came back to the hobby, or even some that I have seen that are still here but don't hobby anymore, how did you know it was time to stop?

I have seen many posts advising new guys to not start this, so I know there are those here who understand the nature of this beast and that it can be addicting.

My story is that I found this hobby in December (3 months ago) after 19 years of marriage and 7 years of post separation celibacy.

I told some close friends that I was ready to step back into the dating world, and how long it had been since I got laid and one of them suggested seeing an escort. I started researching, found LL, then found this board, and had my first experience in December, which was supposed to be a one off.

Problem was, I liked it! It was intoxicating being the guy who got the beautiful girl, even if I had to pay for it. I decided to keep going and have been seeing various SPs for a few months now

A couple months ago I got on a dating app for the first time, telling myself I would just see if anything came my way, but not expecting much. I got a few likes here and there from women I was not attracted to.

Well a couple weeks back I was surprised to see that a very beautiful woman liked my profile. We started chatting and I asked her out. Went on a coffee date and long story short it didn't lead to date 2, but I realized that it felt nice to be in the company of a beautiful woman on a different level and be mutually interested in making real connection.

I'm a relationship guy at heart, always have been. As much as this hobby and my newfound sexual freedom has been fun to try on, I don't think it's me.

The whole time I was chatting and dating that woman I felt like I was hiding a dirty secret that she would certainly not be cool with. Even though we weren't an item it felt wrong to be seeing escorts while chatting with someone who could have been the love of my life

Anyways, now I'm at a crossroads. I really like seeing these women that I have gotten to know, but seeing that woman no matter how brief reminded me that I am always going to want more, and the 2 worlds are incompatible.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me? I kind of feel weird asking here but I can't really talk to anyone else about it.

You gotta do what you think is right with both your head and your heart. Everyone has dark secrets and sometimes it's just best for all parties involved to bury it and keep it there if you feel she wouldn't understand.

 

[Butler1000]

The world's are not necessarily incompatible. It's just a matter of compartmentalized thinking. My occasional forays have no bearing on my long term relationship. The transactional nature makes it easy.

I acknowledge I'm a bastard. I make damn sure I do everything at home to remove suspicion. And I have my fun.

It's a luxury. Not a necessity. Treat it as such.

BTW this is the exact safe space created for us to discuss this. And has come up numerous times before.

 

[newguy2201]

The world's are not necessarily incompatible. It's just a matter of compartmentalized thinking. My occasional forays have no bearing on my long term relationship. The transactional nature makes it easy.

I acknowledge I'm a bastard. I make damn sure I do everything at home to remove suspicion. And I have my fun.

It's a luxury. Not a necessity. Treat it as such.

BTW this is the exact safe space created for us to discuss this. And has come up numerous times before.

Yeah thanks for that, and no judgement here, but that is definitely a boundary for me. I don't think I could do that to someone I care about, so the idea of doing both is not even part of the equation for me.

The dilemma I have now is that I always knew I was going to step back into dating and out of escorts at some point.

Until I met this woman I thought I would just keep seeing escorts until something came along either from the apps or real life encounters.

I am also in the midst of a mid life glow up: gym, weight loss, wardrobe etc and an gaining more confidence, something that seeing escorts was directly responsible for

So my thinking was I would keep seeing escorts while I work on myself and eventually a nice woman will come along and I'll stop.

But now I am questioning whether seeing escorts while I wait might be holding me back. Maybe I am ready now and just need to commit to it and lean in.

I know that's a question I have to answer for myself, but I was just hoping someone else could relate

I appreciate your input

 

[Butler1000]

Yeah thanks for that, and no judgement here, but that is definitely a boundary for me. I don't think I could do that to someone I care about, so the idea of doing both is not even part of the equation for me.

The dilemma I have now is that I always knew I was going to step back into dating and out of escorts at some point.

Until I met this woman I thought I would just keep seeing escorts until something came along either from the apps or real life encounters.

I am also in the midst of a mid life glow up: gym, weight loss, wardrobe etc and an gaining more confidence, something that seeing escorts was directly responsible for

So my thinking was I would keep seeing escorts while I work on myself and eventually a nice woman will come along and I'll stop.

But now I am questioning whether seeing escorts while I wait might be holding me back. Maybe I am ready now and just need to commit to it and lean in.

I know that's a question I have to answer for myself, but I was just hoping someone else could relate

I appreciate your input

Well then it has served its purpose. And that's ok too. The fact you entered into this, gained what you needed is all that matters.

So step back, rub one out when you need to, and pursue dating. There is your push and permission.

And btw. It's also OK, if in a year you are not having success in dating, and need a break, to come back in for a reset. The hobby will always be here.

 

[OntGuy2010]

The world's are not necessarily incompatible. It's just a matter of compartmentalized thinking. My occasional forays have no bearing on my long term relationship. The transactional nature makes it easy.

I acknowledge I'm a bastard. I make damn sure I do everything at home to remove suspicion. And I have my fun.

It's a luxury. Not a necessity. Treat it as such.

BTW this is the exact safe space created for us to discuss this. And has come up numerous times before.

Could not agree more! Almost exactly my approach

 

[Josephine]

Just wondering, for those that have been here a while, and either came and went and came back to the hobby, or even some that I have seen that are still here but don't hobby anymore, how did you know it was time to stop?

I have seen many posts advising new guys to not start this, so I know there are those here who understand the nature of this beast and that it can be addicting.

My story is that I found this hobby in December (3 months ago) after 19 years of marriage and 7 years of post separation celibacy.

I told some close friends that I was ready to step back into the dating world, and how long it had been since I got laid and one of them suggested seeing an escort. I started researching, found LL, then found this board, and had my first experience in December, which was supposed to be a one off.

Problem was, I liked it! It was intoxicating being the guy who got the beautiful girl, even if I had to pay for it. I decided to keep going and have been seeing various SPs for a few months now

A couple months ago I got on a dating app for the first time, telling myself I would just see if anything came my way, but not expecting much. I got a few likes here and there from women I was not attracted to.

Well a couple weeks back I was surprised to see that a very beautiful woman liked my profile. We started chatting and I asked her out. Went on a coffee date and long story short it didn't lead to date 2, but I realized that it felt nice to be in the company of a beautiful woman on a different level and be mutually interested in making real connection.

I'm a relationship guy at heart, always have been. As much as this hobby and my newfound sexual freedom has been fun to try on, I don't think it's me.

The whole time I was chatting and dating that woman I felt like I was hiding a dirty secret that she would certainly not be cool with. Even though we weren't an item it felt wrong to be seeing escorts while chatting with someone who could have been the love of my life

Anyways, now I'm at a crossroads. I really like seeing these women that I have gotten to know, but seeing that woman no matter how brief reminded me that I am always going to want more, and the 2 worlds are incompatible.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me? I kind of feel weird asking here but I can't really talk to anyone else about it.

I think in dating stage you can do what you want until one of them become serious. If I was dating multiple men for potential relationship I would not déprive myself of option until I get a real proposition. You aren't doing anything wrong and it is not a dark secret. You are exploiting all your options. Relax. Enjoy the ride.

 

[newguy2201]

I think in dating stage you can do what you want until one of them become serious. If I was dating multiple men for potential relationship I would not déprive myself of option until I get a real proposition. You aren't doing anything wrong and it is not a dark secret. You are exploiting all your options. Relax. Enjoy the ride.

Interesting. That's the other angle. I have been out of the game so long I don't even know the rules anymore.

So how do we define serious? I know some people say you are free to do what you want until you have a conversation about being exclusive

I think maybe each person has to define it for themselves? I know for me, while I was chatting with this woman I had some dates lined up with SPs.

But my conscience was saying I wouldn't want to see an SP after our first in person meeting.

Maybe I'm old school but that was what felt right for me.

But you are right, there is nothing inherently wrong about doing whatever you are comfortable with as long as no one gets hurt

I appreciate your feedback.

 

[Josephine]

Interesting. That's the other angle. I have been out of the game so long I don't even know the rules anymore.

So how do we define serious? I know some people say you are free to do what you want until you have a conversation about being exclusive

I think maybe each person has to define it for themselves? I know for me, while I was chatting with this woman I had some dates lined up with SPs.

But my conscience was saying I wouldn't want to see an SP after our first in person meeting.

Maybe I'm old school but that was what felt right for me.

But you are right, there is nothing inherently wrong about doing whatever you are comfortable with as long as no one gets hurt

I appreciate your feedback.

From there I don't think I can tell you more but i think everything will fall together organically. Good luck 🫶

 

[PvtJoker]

Just wondering, for those that have been here a while, and either came and went and came back to the hobby, or even some that I have seen that are still here but don't hobby anymore, how did you know it was time to stop?

I have seen many posts advising new guys to not start this, so I know there are those here who understand the nature of this beast and that it can be addicting.

My story is that I found this hobby in December (3 months ago) after 19 years of marriage and 7 years of post separation celibacy.

I told some close friends that I was ready to step back into the dating world, and how long it had been since I got laid and one of them suggested seeing an escort. I started researching, found LL, then found this board, and had my first experience in December, which was supposed to be a one off.

Problem was, I liked it! It was intoxicating being the guy who got the beautiful girl, even if I had to pay for it. I decided to keep going and have been seeing various SPs for a few months now

A couple months ago I got on a dating app for the first time, telling myself I would just see if anything came my way, but not expecting much. I got a few likes here and there from women I was not attracted to.

Well a couple weeks back I was surprised to see that a very beautiful woman liked my profile. We started chatting and I asked her out. Went on a coffee date and long story short it didn't lead to date 2, but I realized that it felt nice to be in the company of a beautiful woman on a different level and be mutually interested in making real connection.

I'm a relationship guy at heart, always have been. As much as this hobby and my newfound sexual freedom has been fun to try on, I don't think it's me.

The whole time I was chatting and dating that woman I felt like I was hiding a dirty secret that she would certainly not be cool with. Even though we weren't an item it felt wrong to be seeing escorts while chatting with someone who could have been the love of my life

Anyways, now I'm at a crossroads. I really like seeing these women that I have gotten to know, but seeing that woman no matter how brief reminded me that I am always going to want more, and the 2 worlds are incompatible.

Does anyone have any words of wisdom for me? I kind of feel weird asking here but I can't really talk to anyone else about it.

Men need sex, and men also need companionship. If you can get both in the same place, great. If not, do what you need to do.

From a practical standpoint, if your relationship looks to be progressing to the point of sex, stop seeeing escorts. Until it looks like the relationship is progressing towards sex, see an escort when you have the need. It’s really no different than playing the field until you find “the one”.

 

[xix]

My story is that I found this hobby in December (3 months ago) after 19 years of marriage and 7 years of post separation celibacy.

Well a couple weeks back I was surprised to see that a very beautiful woman liked my profile. We started chatting and I asked her out. Went on a coffee date and long story short it didn't lead to date 2, but I realized that it felt nice to be in the company of a beautiful woman on a different level and be mutually interested in making real connection.

The whole time I was chatting and dating that woman I felt like I was hiding a dirty secret that she would certainly not be cool with. Even though we weren't an item it felt wrong to be seeing escorts while chatting with someone who could have been the love of my life

Find this place - well it can be good and bad as posted before. Control is the key to happiness here.

Beautiful woman - I am sure she had her dark secrets probably worse than yours. May she had other dates lined up, Was she serious? or searching for her next victim? or FWB? how do you know she didn't escort? or still does it?
Lovers at heart don't see the big picture.

WE all have dark secrets.
It is okay to have multiple job interviews, BUT you can't be thinking of the others ( interviews) or potential other ladies you will see that week. Basically you weren't serious about the / a relationship. Denial.

You are going to have to play your roles better like Clark Kent / Superman.
I am guessing you are 50+ not many people get serious about a relationship or long term marriage at this age. So play the roles with caution.

 

[Mandalorian]

So many threads like this here, even as recently as last week. You’re a good man if you’re posting about this topic. As a hobbyist of close to 20 years all I can say is we work hard to achieve what we have and it’s not a bad thing to reward ourselves in a way that makes us feel good physically. I’m not abusing my body with drugs and alcohol (well, cheap alcohol at least), and I work out regularly to stay healthy and like nice things. Having a moment weekly for me with a beautiful lady that give me a dopamine rush is all part of La dolce vita. Just enjoy it and don’t think too much. If the right person comes along it will feel natural to let go of the hobby.

 

[newguy2201]

So many threads like this here, even as recently as last week. You’re a good man if you’re posting about this topic. As a hobbyist of close to 20 years all I can say is we work hard to achieve what we have and it’s not a bad thing to reward ourselves in a way that makes us feel good physically. I’m not abusing my body with drugs and alcohol (well, cheap alcohol at least), and I work out regularly to stay healthy and like nice things. Having a moment weekly for me with a beautiful lady that give me a dopamine rush is all part of La dolce vita. Just enjoy it and don’t think too much. If the right person comes along it will feel natural to let go of the hobby.

Yeah thats a good way to look at it. I don't need to do a dramatic stepping away right now, as long as I am prepared to step away if/when the right one comes along.

Thanks

 

[rhuarc29]

I found this hobby in 2009. I had just gotten out of a 4-year relationship. We still very much loved each other, we just had different life goals at the time, so we went our separate ways. I was doing a lot of travel for work then, and was bored one night while staying over in Toronto. One thing led to another and now I'm well aware of this world. I was too busy with work to bother dating during that timespan, and ended up just enjoying female companionship in the industry for roughly 6-7 years. I stepped away after that not because I ran out of money or grew disenchanted, but rather because I was just bored of it. After all, there's something special missing from seeing industry ladies as opposed to civvies, as you've identified.

I dated a couple civvies for a relatively short span, but nothing that materialized into a long term arrangement. After a couple years, I returned to the industry. This time I stopped not because I was bored, but because I met a civvie who I really hit it off with. Possible marriage material. Unfortunately, due to some tragic circumstances, that didn't work out and after 5 years I'm back to exploring the industry.

The point I'm making is that my industry days have no bearing on my civvie days, and vice versa. BUT, I do keep them mutually exclusive. I wouldn't feel right dating someone while still engaging in this industry, as a matter of personal belief. Then again, I don't feel right dating multiple people at once either, and that seems to be the norm these days, which I just can't get behind.

That said, even though I wouldn't engage in the hobby while dating, I also don't feel guilty about my past industry experiences either. Why would I?

 

[newguy2201]

I found this hobby in 2009. I had just gotten out of a 4-year relationship. We still very much loved each other, we just had different life goals at the time, so we went our separate ways. I was doing a lot of travel for work then, and was bored one night while staying over in Toronto. One thing led to another and now I'm well aware of this world. I was too busy with work to bother dating during that timespan, and ended up just enjoying female companionship in the industry for roughly 6-7 years. I stepped away after that not because I ran out of money or grew disenchanted, but rather because I was just bored of it. After all, there's something special missing from seeing industry ladies as opposed to civvies, as you've identified.

I dated a couple civvies for a relatively short span, but nothing that materialized into a long term arrangement. After a couple years, I returned to the industry. This time I stopped not because I was bored, but because I met a civvie who I really hit it off with. Possible marriage material. Unfortunately, due to some tragic circumstances, that didn't work out and after 5 years I'm back to exploring the industry.

The point I'm making is that my industry days have no bearing on my civvie days, and vice versa. BUT, I do keep them mutually exclusive. I wouldn't feel right dating someone while still engaging in this industry, as a matter of personal belief. Then again, I don't feel right dating multiple people at once either, and that seems to be the norm these days, which I just can't get behind.

That said, even though I wouldn't engage in the hobby while dating, I also don't feel guilty about my past industry experiences either. Why would I?

That's great, thanks for sharing your experience. This makes a lot of sense. There is a way to keep the hobby as a release when appropriate and step away when appropriate.

That helps. The key for me is finding when the right time to step away is once I start engaging with a civvie.

Right now I feel like first date/coffee/low stakes is fine. Once we progress to actually dating/romantic date with intent (whether or not sex is involved) it's time to stop hobbying.

And BTW I also feel the new dating multiple people thing is weird too, but it does seem to be the norm.

 

[opieshuffle]

The thing about life is it's just memories. Anything beyond the moment you're in is a memory. Some fade. Some stick around. Some your brain has adjusted (good or bad). Some are outright lies we've told ourselves. Seeing an SP is 'scratching an itch". Once it's over it's over. Do what you will with the memories. Keep it in the spank bank. Toss it away. You control your thoughts. If you start a relationship, awesome! Enjoy it for what it is and what you want out of it. But don't feel "guilty" or even "worried" about what anyone thinks about your past. Even if it happened the night before... it's the past. Keep your mouth shut and do what you need to do with the memory.

 

[Sonic Temple]

All great advice, only you know your genetic makeup mate, meaning you are the only one who knows when to step away. Some never do, and tbh whether you are in a loving relationship or not, society deems 'cheating' on your spouse a negative thing. In reality, I have learned over the years 'cheating' in terms of relationship only as oppose to 'cheating/ripping off' a fellow human over financials/tests etc a bit different.
Let me explain, and there is no wrong answer here, you mentioned that its not in you to do this hobby if you are in committed in a relationship - that's fair as I was like you many decades ago (relationship type of guy - have not be in a relationship for equally as long ), I am at a point where I am totally comfortable with the state of my well being - being single and enjoying this lifestyle and tbh I don't see myself in a relationship in the foreseeable future. You searching to find out when its time to step away is a serious question because if you think about it, why step away. If these sessions make you feel alive - pace and enjoy. Now, if you are in a relationship - if you love your partner and are lacking that sexual fire - transactional sexual fire is your ticket as long as you can distinguish between the transactional and the love and that is the question you need to answer honestly. Can you survive living in two worlds at the same time - our world and the relationship world, We are human and we all have a unique genetic makeup, some can love at home and need a variety outside - doesn't mean you are bad, just means your desires are greater than your partners - do you need to get punished for it - imho - the answer is 'no'.

Sorry for the long winded reply mate - just speaking honestly - there is no right time to leave this industry - the only time you leave is when your home life makes you forget this world and if you find that - well - hold on to that, because that is rare and you have found a very special partner who satisfies all your desires. You hear all of these athletes/celebrities or whoever, that have beautiful partners by their sides and they still go out for that extra something - some get caught (Tiger Woods, Hugh Grant....etc) and some live a life of secrecy like many of us do here. In the end - and I understand that this may not be a popular answer (especially from one who is single), but its a honest one - once you cross that line into this world - there really isn't a way out - there is only a way to control it.....if you want to.

 

[newguy2201]

All great advice, only you know your genetic makeup mate, meaning you are the only one who knows when to step away. Some never do, and tbh whether you are in a loving relationship or not, society deems 'cheating' on your spouse a negative thing. In reality, I have learned over the years 'cheating' in terms of relationship only as oppose to 'cheating/ripping off' a fellow human over financials/tests etc a bit different.
Let me explain, and there is no wrong answer here, you mentioned that its not in you to do this hobby if you are in committed in a relationship - that's fair as I was like you many decades ago (relationship type of guy - have not be in a relationship for equally as long ), I am at a point where I am totally comfortable with the state of my well being - being single and enjoying this lifestyle and tbh I don't see myself in a relationship in the foreseeable future. You searching to find out when its time to step away is a serious question because if you think about it, why step away. If these sessions make you feel alive - pace and enjoy. Now, if you are in a relationship - if you love your partner and are lacking that sexual fire - transactional sexual fire is your ticket as long as you can distinguish between the transactional and the love and that is the question you need to answer honestly. Can you survive living in two worlds at the same time - our world and the relationship world, We are human and we all have a unique genetic makeup, some can love at home and need a variety outside - doesn't mean you are bad, just means your desires are greater than your partners - do you need to get punished for it - imho - the answer is 'no'.

Sorry for the long winded reply mate - just speaking honestly - there is no right time to leave this industry - the only time you leave is when your home life makes you forget this world and if you find that - well - hold on to that, because that is rare and you have found a very special partner who satisfies all your desires. You hear all of these athletes/celebrities or whoever, that have beautiful partners by their sides and they still go out for that extra something - some get caught (Tiger Woods, Hugh Grant....etc) and some live a life of secrecy like many of us do here. In the end - and I understand that this may not be a popular answer (especially from one who is single), but its a honest one - once you cross that line into this world - there really isn't a way out - there is only a way to control it.....if you want to.

Haha yeah, all good points. Beyond the question "when to step away" there is "can I step away?"

I'll say that this world has definitely opened my eyes to who I am sexually. I don't think I could go back to a partner who is not at least a little wild in the sack.

I like the sexual freedom I have learned from these women and it is something I filter for in dating, although you never know how someone is in the bedroom until you get them there.

But I appreciate your input for sure

 

[jelordi]

I am struggling with 'can I step away?' myself. Hobbying is affecting my performance at work (I'm missing for big parts of the day)...

I'm somewhat worried that I'm addicted to the thrills...I feel I should step back, but finding it very difficult on a week to week basis.

 

[newguy2201]

I am struggling with 'can I step away?' myself. Hobbying is affecting my performance at work (I'm missing for big parts of the day)...

I'm somewhat worried that I'm addicted to the thrills...I feel I should step back, but finding it very difficult on a week to week basis.

I feel you on that too. I definitely have found that my work performance has suffered too since I started this.

I own my business so I can step away, but it affects my bottom line.

I have definitely been less productive since I started this. I think that might be something that hopefully gets better with time, but maybe not.

If you're feeling really stuck, maybe look for some pro help, 12 step, therapy or something.