THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
December 20
Dearest John – I went to the door today and the Postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.
With deepest love and affection,
Agnes
December 21
Dearest John – Today the Postman brought your very sweet gift. I’m just delighted at your thoughtfulness. The two Turtle Doves are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
December 22
My Dear John – Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one! How I really must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity. Three French Hens. They are darling, but I must insist you are too kind.
Love,
Agnes
December 23
Dear John – Today the Postman delivered four Calling Birds. Now really, they are absolutely beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
December 24
Dear John – What a surprise! Today, the Postman delivered five Golden Rings – one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those bloody squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
December 25
Dear John – When I opened the door this morning there were actually six Geese a-laying on my front steps..! So, you’re back to the birds again, huh? These geese are just enormous. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are beginning to complain and I must admit, I am finding it very difficult to sleep through the racket they make.
Cordially,
Agnes
December 26
John – What’s with you and these fucking birds? When I got up this morning, there they were, Seven Swans a-swimming. What kind of god damned joke is this anyway? There’s bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny any more so please, please stop it with these fucking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
December 27
O.K. Buster – I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight Maids a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and eight Maids a-milking, but they had to bring their bloody cows. Now there’s cow shit all over the lawn, and I can’t move in my own house. Just lay off, smartass.
Agnes
December 28
Hey Shithead – What are you, some kind of sadist? How there’s nine, count them, nine Pipers Piping and Christ, do they pipe! And on top of that, they’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they got here first thing this morning. The cows are getting upset and they’re stomping and shitting all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to have me evicted.
You’ll get yours…
Agnes
December 29
You rotten prick – Now there’s Ten Ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call these sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those Pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea on top of their normal diarrhea… My living room is river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to show reason why the building shouldn’t be condemned. I’ve told my lawyer to fix you any way he can.
One who means it!
December 30
Listen Fuckhead – What’s this with eleven Lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again! The Pipers ran through the maids and since then have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 birds are dean – trampled to death in the orgy – their corpses scattered through every room from the attic to the basement. I hope you are satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
December 31
Dear Sir – This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve Fiddlers a-fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Anges McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All future gifts or correspondence should be addressed to our attention. Any attempt on your part to reach our client at the Happy Vale Sanitarium will be met with the roughest treatment from the attendants who have been warned to watch out for you. With this letter, please be informed that charges of criminal assault have been laid against you and a warrant has been issued for your arrest.
Yours truly,
Badger, Bender and Cajole
Solicitors
300 Kings Street East
Toronto, Ontario
December 20
Dearest John – I went to the door today and the Postman delivered a Partridge in a Pear Tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn’t have been more surprised.
With deepest love and affection,
Agnes
December 21
Dearest John – Today the Postman brought your very sweet gift. I’m just delighted at your thoughtfulness. The two Turtle Doves are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
December 22
My Dear John – Oh! Aren’t you the extravagant one! How I really must protest. I don’t deserve such generosity. Three French Hens. They are darling, but I must insist you are too kind.
Love,
Agnes
December 23
Dear John – Today the Postman delivered four Calling Birds. Now really, they are absolutely beautiful, but don’t you think enough is enough? You’re being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
December 24
Dear John – What a surprise! Today, the Postman delivered five Golden Rings – one for every finger. You’re just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those bloody squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
December 25
Dear John – When I opened the door this morning there were actually six Geese a-laying on my front steps..! So, you’re back to the birds again, huh? These geese are just enormous. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbours are beginning to complain and I must admit, I am finding it very difficult to sleep through the racket they make.
Cordially,
Agnes
December 26
John – What’s with you and these fucking birds? When I got up this morning, there they were, Seven Swans a-swimming. What kind of god damned joke is this anyway? There’s bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the racket. I can’t sleep at night and I’m a nervous wreck. It’s not funny any more so please, please stop it with these fucking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
December 27
O.K. Buster – I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight Maids a-milking? It’s not enough with all those birds and eight Maids a-milking, but they had to bring their bloody cows. Now there’s cow shit all over the lawn, and I can’t move in my own house. Just lay off, smartass.
Agnes
December 28
Hey Shithead – What are you, some kind of sadist? How there’s nine, count them, nine Pipers Piping and Christ, do they pipe! And on top of that, they’ve never stopped chasing those maids since they got here first thing this morning. The cows are getting upset and they’re stomping and shitting all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to have me evicted.
You’ll get yours…
Agnes
December 29
You rotten prick – Now there’s Ten Ladies dancing. I don’t know why I call these sluts ladies. They’ve been balling those Pipers all night long. Now the cows can’t sleep and they’ve got diarrhea on top of their normal diarrhea… My living room is river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to show reason why the building shouldn’t be condemned. I’ve told my lawyer to fix you any way he can.
One who means it!
December 30
Listen Fuckhead – What’s this with eleven Lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again! The Pipers ran through the maids and since then have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 birds are dean – trampled to death in the orgy – their corpses scattered through every room from the attic to the basement. I hope you are satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
December 31
Dear Sir – This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve Fiddlers a-fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict upon our client, Miss Anges McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All future gifts or correspondence should be addressed to our attention. Any attempt on your part to reach our client at the Happy Vale Sanitarium will be met with the roughest treatment from the attendants who have been warned to watch out for you. With this letter, please be informed that charges of criminal assault have been laid against you and a warrant has been issued for your arrest.
Yours truly,
Badger, Bender and Cajole
Solicitors
300 Kings Street East
Toronto, Ontario
