The Pope's balls

[antaeus]

Supposedly, sometime between being elected and donning the papal raiments, the new pope sits in a special chair whereupon all 118, or 117 now, cardinals reach in and feel his balls. Or feel that the new pope has actually got balls. You see, can't have another Pope Joan shamozzle. And for sure one or two of those cardinals aren't going for just a balls confirmation; some cardinals are going to latch on and give the Pope a "we're watching you yank", or a "good luck coddle".

The room of tears indeed.

So, in the near future when Il Papa appears at the window before the joyous masses, raises his papal hands in welcoming supplication, he isn't saying "Bless us O Lord on this new day". What he's actually saying as he raises his papal hands in welcoming supplication is "God, my balls hurt."

 

[Tick]

I was under the impression that they merely looked at his genitals, not squeezed/touched them. I also didn't think it was EVERY Cardinal, just a few to establish proof.



But yes... this is all over the "Pope Joan" incident.


(For those who may not know.... a woman once hid her "femininity" from the church, became a priest..and rose all the way to Pope. It wasn't until after her death they discovered she was female.)

Mind you... this isn't openly discussed by the Vatican.

 

[feminista]

U R serious?

god, the catholic church is so misogynist I'm surprised the bishops, cardinals and popes don't put big balls on the sides of their phallic hats.

They should also put No Women Allowed signs on their seminaries.

 

[feminista]

u took that seriously?? your not even supposed to jack off when you become a priest in the catholic church

I asked if he was serious.

Having been raised catholic (i was in the choir and was the first alter girl in my church and attended catholic schools up tp grade 13) i would not be the slightest bit surprised if it were true. The religion retains many archaic customs.

Ensuring one is not female is essential with regard to ordination. Of course clergy can't jack-off, they expect mere lay-catholics not to indulge in masterbation. It is a sin. Men spill their seed. the church views sperm as pre-concieved children, therefore masterbation = mass murder.

 

[WhaWhaWha]

Arrest me for total genocide.

 

[ricflairjuniour]

Myth debunked. There was no female pope. And there is no checking of the jewels. You've got to be retarded to believe it in the first place.

http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/08407a.htm

 

[Tick]

Because the Catholic Church ALWAYS tells the truth.....

 

[glaeken]

According to StraightDope.com (http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a2_139.html) there was no female pope. There was however a woman who was able to get her lover elected to pope and another whose illegitimate son, sired by a pope, became pope. These women were able to effectively control the papacy through their "menfolk" (as the article puts it) and it's believe that this is the source of the "Pope Joan" legend.

 

[billybobjoesue]

Holy moley this made me laugh! A good luck hand shake eh? Fu$%ing funny! I'm not a catgholic, and have thought there were some strabge and outdated customs in the church, but when I read the first part of this I howling... At first, I thought, "yeah, sort-of makes sense..."

Good one

 

[ycghiydvo]

A female pope is an interesting "urban legend" and not much more. There are a number of books out about the subject, most notably "The Woman Who Was Pope" by Clement Wood (I think)...

The reason why people feel there is some creedence to this is that there are a few times were the time lines of death dates of the popes is in question. The reason why it gets convoluted is because there were as many as 5 popes at a given time during the earliest church history...

The Legend states that Pope John VII was leading a procession through the streets, and she gave birth, and was stoned to death... leading to the legend of the pope chair, and checking the gender.

An interesting bit of mythology...

 

[Svend]

Not an urban legend

Pope Urban was the guy who got Martin Luther ticked off enough to start the Protestant movement.

 

[batista7777]

I was reading an article in the NewYork Times and it said that Nostradamus predicted that the new elected Pope would be assassinated- I hope they are wrong 'bout this.

 

[Jamaica-luvr]

I was told that the reason behind celibacy(a little off topic here) for priests in the Catholic church is not because sex is dirty, but because of property rights. Think about it. What organization in the world owns more prime real estate than the Catholic church. If priests were allowed to marry and have children, their children would have rights to claim property, and because all the Catholic clergy "own" church property equally, the children of any union would have a compelling legal arguement of entitlement.

Any of you lawyers on here heard of this?

Also...the only way the Catholic church was able to make inroads into Africa was to allow the black priests to marry and have children...the social structure in place was just too culturally compelling to disallow male/female & family relationships.

So....these are supposed to be the real physical reasons behind celibacy...not some trumped up morality/purity issues spewed forth to mystify and confuse the masses...

 

[mandrill]

Actually, the cardinals DO feel the new pope's balls.

The "Pope Joan" nonsense is of course pathetic BS, but the feeling of the balls ritual is absolutely genuine. "Why" you ask?

The pope is the holiest man in the Roman Catholic church and as such, can NEVER, EVER have masturbated. Therefore, his balls are necessarily immense. The average pope's balls size somewhere between those of an Alaskan walrus in mating season and those of the kodiak bear. That is, they're absolutely motherfucking HUGE! And that's why the cardinals feel them - to check if the pope-candidate is just pretending to be holy but in fact is beating the peter every night.

It's also very, very, very awe-inspiring - in a purely religious sense - to feel balls that big. The massive semen-clogged glands are proof of the most holy piety on this planet and the cardinals experience an intense sense of reverence when they heft the pontifical testes in their hands.

And another thing, the cardinals also EAT the balls of the dead pope. Raw. Each gets a chunk of the blue-veined, grey-white crusty organs and chews them. The stale semen contained inside the testicle chunks releases a chemical compound not disimilar to that contained in certain hallucinogenic cacti found in the Mexican desert. The trance-like state induced by chewing the dead pope's testicles is thought to bring the cardinals nearer to god and inspire them in their tast of selecting the new pope.

 

[mandrill]

So, you goddam Catholic bozos don't believe me, huh??!!

Then why do the pope and all the cardinals wear those long, loose robe-mumu getups, instead of trousers like normal guys? Huh?

I'll tell you why. To hide how massively huge and mis-shapen their swollen testicles are. That's why.

 

[new2game]

The problem is...

...organized religion...and the Catholic church in particular...is so fucked up, that anything is possible..that's why any of these stories sounds believeable...



N2G

 

[Hard Idle]

I tend to believe there's an olive-press ritual somwhere along the road to any high ranking position in the church. If they do this to each other often, it helps explain why they fail to be moved by the stories of the abused children, and why PJP gave Geoghan a nice job at the Vatican. No wonder they can't see what the big deal is.

However if the balls are felt sight-unseen, I doubt the method is reliable. It would be very easy to cheat the test with a leather puch containing some plums or tangerines. Maybe clementines were named after a pope for this reason?