She got outed

[DareU2]

I am the long time partner (12yrs) of a GTA SP. I can say it's been a remarkable relationship, one that I see will never end and one that few could live.
PROBLEM
I am employed by one of the GTA cities and have been for ten years. A friend and I had a falling out at work and has taken it upon himself to expose my partners employment, our active sexual life style and some of my recreational activities of the past. Comments scrawled on bulletin boards, washroom walls, and direct verbal conversation with atleast 4 co-workers are the lowness this individual has reached. My department has a strong union and apparently they have approached him already questioning some suspected actions of his.
It doesn't qualify as anything criminal so my only possible actions can be civil. Do I act in any way or chalk it up to the gamble of letting people know too much. This all came to light tonight and now that I have managed to calm the desire to cause great pain, I ask you for your ideas.
Keep in mind....I am surprised of his actions as he lives in a glass house. The exposure of his failed penis enlargement surgery, the fact his daughter my have more of the postmans DNA (my Brother is the postman) than his, and his history of anger management problems and spousal abuse would surely destroy him in his very public job. I just don't have that revenge in me.

 

[Ref]

Nail him!

He wants to fuck you, so fuck him back. Don't let up on the pedal, take it to the extreme. If you don't, you will end up wishing you did.

Now is the time to throw your trump card. He'll never wish you had...

 

[Svend]

He's a horrible bastard, don't sink to his level.

 

[rembrandt100]

He's a horrible bastard, don't sink to his level.

Unless you wish to console yourself with the fact that you were the better man, until you find a new job, You best learn to fight fire with fire. No sense at all taking bare hands to a knife fight, or a knife to a gun fight. Try going to the bank, landlord,credit card co, and telling them you have more honor than he, and can't pay this month.

Been there
Done that

Dave

 

[DareU2]

He's a horrible bastard, don't sink to his level.

Unless you wish to console yourself with the fact that you were the better man, until you find a new job, You best learn to fight fire with fire. No sense at all taking bare hands to a knife fight, or a knife to a gun fight. Try going to the bank, landlord,credit card co, and telling them you have more honor than he, and can't pay this month.
Been there
Done that

Dave

Quit my job and run? No way. Hurt other people? No way.
I'll see what my Union says tomorrow (geez its 120am and I have to be at work at 530am). I want to demand a written posted appology expressing his undersatnding that some assumptions he made and shared with others were not accurate and sorry for any problems he caused. Not identifying me just him. I have no problems with her choice of work, just the perception that I do.

 

[LeatherDoll]

Your recourse is in a Human Rights Grievance

This man has violated a number of sections of the collective agreement. Go speak to your union steward and file a grievance immediately.

Your immediate supervisor also needs to be informed, because he has also violated the Human Rights standards expected in the workplace. Disciplinary action needs to be initiated, and if they refuse to act, you will have a grievance against them. There are very specific guidelines on acceptable behaviour, particularly when it comes to issues of sexuality (it would fall into the sexual orientation category, although you might have to argue this since this is typically only considered, wrongly, to include homosexuality) and your employer is required to ensure they are upheld.

Even if there weren't, no boss could possibly find it acceptable to have an employee behave in such a disruptive, irresponsible, and aggressive fashion - they have grounds to dismiss him. He has created a hostile environment.

And, it sounds like there are grounds for criminal charges of vandalism at the very least if he has been scrawling on the walls and bulletin boards.

DO NOT engage in any of the shockingly inappropriate retaliatory behaviours you suggest - in particular speaking ill of his daughter. Not only will you not engender any sympathy for your plight, but the loss of respect for you that will result will have a much more devastating impact on your reputation than his foolish allegations and revelations (which to most will only appear to be bile from the mouth of a jackass - silly rumours at best - in the long run, most people don't give a shit what you do in your private life and it will blow over quickly if it ever is even given any consideration) You will not get the help you need.

(Besides, just think about it - what bearing could his botched penis enlargement have on anything at all? Or the fact that his wife might have been unfaithful - with your brother no less? These are not workplace issues, don't bring them there. This is precisely why you will have recourse against him, because he brought the wrong material to the workplace!)

The best revenge is to rise beyond the schoolyard taunting and allow him to hang himself. It'll make him nuts since he is trying to get your attention; this is clearly a tantrum from a spoiled and angry child. Follow my motto: Never Reward Bad Behaviour.

He chose the absolutely worst place in the world to behave this way - a government office; utilise the resources at hand and do not engage directly with him.

 

[Goober Mcfly]

Was your penis enlargement surgery a success? Because I'm sure that will come out in these proceedings....

 

[tboy]

Sorry, but in the typical canadian manner we suggest to this guy to "turn the other cheek" "rise about the situation" and "be the better man". Sorry, but this is why we let our politicians walk all over us and those predators (for lack of a better term) get away with things like this.

Let him know unequivocally that there will be ramifications for his actions. I don't believe there is anything management can do about this. You see I was in a situation very similar to this and actually had to go to the police to have them talk to the person that was harassing me. As the one harassing me was a good friend of the VP, he wouldn't lift a finger. (it was at the point that I was carrying a knife in my pocket). I simply left the company giving up a great career in the process.

If it were to happen to me again? I'd nail his sorry ass to the wall. Knock him down and make sure that he knows that if his actions continue, he will be knocked down again, only this time he won't be getting back up.

Talk to your union steward first, if they won't do anything (as I think they won't) time to take matters into your own hands.

 

[Cardinal Fang]

Nail him!

He wants to fuck you, so fuck him back. Don't let up on the pedal, take it to the extreme. If you don't, you will end up wishing you did.

Now is the time to throw your trump card. He'll never wish you had...

I think there's some merit to this idea people. At the very least some very good dinner theatre.

 

[auto doctor]

I just don't have that revenge in me.

You should look for justice............. forget revenge??

 

[shakenbake]

This man has violated a number of sections of the collective agreement. Go speak to your union steward and file a grievance immediately.

Your immediate supervisor also needs to be informed, because he has also violated the Human Rights standards expected in the workplace. Disciplinary action needs to be initiated, and if they refuse to act, you will have a grievance against them. There are very specific guidelines on acceptable behaviour, particularly when it comes to issues of sexuality (it would fall into the sexual orientation category, although you might have to argue this since this is typically only considered, wrongly, to include homosexuality) and your employer is required to ensure they are upheld.

I agree. This is out and out harrassment on the job and is NOT tolerated. A Union grievance may be a good start, with a threat to sue in civil court. Contact a lawyer, a good one, and remember that the first half-to-one hour consultatin is usually free. Also, talk to HR at work and see what your employer can do. You might even have to mention constructive dismissal, but check with a lawyer, first. NO ONE is above the law.

shakenbake, a past victim and survivour of a bullying boss.

 

[LeatherDoll]

Seek Advice from the Human Rights Commission first, but ...

if your grievance procedures can handle it, they must be used before a Human Rights Complaint - you are not allowed to do both. Now, there may be some issue of filing a grievance against another union member, but the collective agreement does have exceptions to this principle when it relates to interpersonal behaviour, discrimination, and harassment.

You could try talking to a lawyer, but your opportunities for action here are quite limited. What civil action do you anticipate might apply?

tboy, I'm sorry for your story, but I bet you didn't work in a civil service job. It is a whole different story when you work in a government office with strong union representation and an over-riding employment standards policy that must be obeyed. Further, I gave a very detailed plan of action - hardly a "turn the other cheek" approach; others may not know the systems available so well, that is why information was sought, and received, from the board.

Like I said before, had he tried this out of the office there would have been no recourse (except to have a cop visit him and tell him to cut it out - no charges, but they will knock on his door to try to maintain a community peace level)

There is no constructive dismissal here - he gave no indication that any change has been made in his treatment from his supervisor or his job requirements and duties. This behaviour is coming from a peer, its a little more tricky.

But, if your boss does not take action, grieve him and talk to your HR people. Just follow the chain until action happens.

AND, since I forgot to mention it before -- take copious notes (and pictures if possible of things like the wall scrawls). Detail everything that has happened, when, where, what you did, who else was involved, what actions were taken by others, etc. And start a paper trail immediately - hard copy letters to your boss, and copy to the HR people, outlining what is going on, how it is affecting your ability to be effective in your job, and requesting intervention, with notification to you of any actions taken. If you know that others in the office are finding the situation problematic or offensive, advise them to do the same, and perhaps send them a short note or email (keeping your own copies) acknowledging what they have said to you about it. WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN, twice.

As difficult as it is, try not to rise to his pokes. Don't respond to the allegations, unless it is clear that your co-workers are really responding to it - and then speak with them individually, if necessary (if you must - just [limit your response to stating that you are very much in love with your wife, that your marriage is long standing, and your private lives are just that and have no relevance in the worklace where only your job performance and behaviour matter.) The bigger the issue you make about the actual content of his actions and acusations, rather than just the inappropriateness of them, the more you will end up with the focus on you and not him. Place the microscope firmly where it belongs - on him - and his behaviour.

That is enough for now -- its a good start to addressing the situation appropriately with your best chance of actually obtaining any kind of result.

Good Luck

 

[Keebler Elf]

What exactly is management doing? You said the union is investigating; what about management? If they are not aware, they should be.

For all those people egging you on to "fight fire with fire", all that short-sighted "wisdom" will get you is fired. All too often management will get rid of the problem - the WHOLE problem - rather than try to split hairs about who did what to whom and when. If he can be terminated for his behaviour, so can you.

Let the powers that be (including management) do their investigation. If they don't do anything (which I will find hard to believe if your facts are accurate), then threaten legal action. If they still don't do anything (which I will find even harder to believe), sue his ass. But the gov't is usually really good at dealing with harassment cases, so I can't see them doing nothing. That being said, is there any direct evidence against him? For all you know he could have told someone else who is now taking it out on you (unlikely, yes, but entirely possible). Still, this quack will get a stern talking to and should cease his inappropriate behaviour (unless he's a total moron, in which case he'll end up fired sooner or later). Good luck.

 

[Fatume]

I am the long time partner (12yrs) of a GTA SP. I can say it's been a remarkable relationship, one that I see will never end and one that few could live.
PROBLEM
I am employed by one of the GTA cities and have been for ten years. A friend and I had a falling out at work and has taken it upon himself to expose my partners employment, our active sexual life style and some of my recreational activities of the past. Comments scrawled on bulletin boards, washroom walls, and direct verbal conversation with atleast 4 co-workers are the lowness this individual has reached. My department has a strong union and apparently they have approached him already questioning some suspected actions of his.
It doesn't qualify as anything criminal so my only possible actions can be civil. Do I act in any way or chalk it up to the gamble of letting people know too much. This all came to light tonight and now that I have managed to calm the desire to cause great pain, I ask you for your ideas.
Keep in mind....I am surprised of his actions as he lives in a glass house. The exposure of his failed penis enlargement surgery, the fact his daughter my have more of the postmans DNA (my Brother is the postman) than his, and his history of anger management problems and spousal abuse would surely destroy him in his very public job. I just don't have that revenge in me.

Are any of the things he has scrawled on walls or told to co-workers slanderous. If he is stating the truth, then u really have no recourse. If on the other hand they are lies that he is spreading you will have a course for action Having a relationship with a sp does have its consequences. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen

 

[sc dave]

I don't know squat about unions but LeatherDoll seems to be on the right track, shakenbake has some good ideas too. Since you've been outed at work you need to take action - but make it appropriate and not jungle justice. I don't know the situation at your workplace - are you and the perp co-workers, who's subordinate or where are you both placed in the food chain, or who is more popular or believable. If all else fails - then knee-cap him (with words)

 

[bricall]

burn him.

..like the song says, "Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap"

revenge is sweet.

 

[shakenbake]

Constructive Dismissal

There is no constructive dismissal here - he gave no indication that any change has been made in his treatment from his supervisor or his job requirements and duties. This behaviour is coming from a peer, its a little more tricky.

Dear LeatherDoll;

You have some excellent advice. However, each case demands unique consideration. If management does nothing to protect its employees form other abusive employees, then it will look like management condones this sort of behaviour, and there exists what is known as a a Poisoned Workplace. Then, in that case, there may be good grounds for Constructive Dismissal. I believe that there might be legal precedent in this, and the courts have in recent years done a great deal to protect the wronged employee. But, don't quote me, as I am not a lawyer, just a victim of a bullying boss whom I half tamed. He sbsequently thought twice about making me and others like me into 'whipping boys', and the company insisted that he only speak to me with some one else present.

It is good to see the TERB community giving one of our own as much encouragement as we can!

shakenbake

 

[LeatherDoll]

You're close, but ... Points of Information

If management does nothing to protect its employees form other abusive employees, then it will look like management condones this sort of behaviour, and there exists what is known as a a Poisoned Workplace. Then, in that case, there may be good grounds for Constructive Dismissal.

Actually, Poisoned Workplace and Constructive Dismissal are two different things, that may be related, but are not necessarily so.

Yes, management has an obligation to provide a work environment free from harassment for specific groups of people - those protected under the Human Rights Code and the Charter Harassment is obtained with the repeated display of behaviour that are known, or aught to be known, to be unwelcome. In this case, his aggressive attacks and revelation of highly intimate personal information absolutely constitute harassment - the issue here will be to establish a firm ground on which to base the complaint. Now, there is a stretch in the incident case that will require an argument to be made to include alternative lifestyles under sexual orientation, but it is a strong argument if made correctly.

Regardless, management also has a responsibility to keep its employees safe - the hostile environment and aggressive behaviour of this guy have certainly crossed that line. This is why there will be grounds for a grievance if no action is taken by management to call this guy to task and discipline him. They might also be required to bring in other resources if the workplace atmosphere has so deteriorated that employees can no longer work together - such as a mediator.

Constructive Dismissal refers to the "virtual" loss of your employment without actually being fired. I had this happen - my supervisor moved on and the replacement had huge issues with my "style" (which really amounted to his discomfort with my "role inappropriate" presentation). He, bit by bit, started removing my job responsibilities, he took me off committees, refused to allow me new assignments, stopped giving me projects, cancelled my training responsibilities in the field and shut down the direct line to consultation that officers once had available. In addition, he regularly, like at least once a week or more, left letters expressing his concern with some minor problem and threatening to fire me if I did not change - although, these letters never appeared in my personnel file. Ultimately, I was sitting in my office with next to nothing to do and had disappeared from availability to the rest of the organiation - some people didn't even know I was there with my unique skills and position. This is constructive dismissal - while I was still attending the office, I had no job. The atmoshpere was hostile - interactions with him left me in tears continuously, other peers starting taking advantage of his example and utilied it to advance themselves at my expense. I took time off on sick leave (I fell into a severe depression) and managed to be seconded to an Human Rights Investigation Officer position on return (as an accommodation) for a short time. Eventually I had to return to that position. He finally won when he successfully managed to have my position eliminated from the organiation during a restructuring despite the fact that I had a unique set of skills in the Commission, primarily because he had made me disappear long ago. The goal is to have me quit and lose a ton of benefits, severence, access to my EI, etc. The legal definition was created to respond to these types of situations.

If the environment that this guy is creating is having an impact large enough to affect DareU2's ability to perform at his job, and his requests for assistance and complaints have not been addressed by the employer, then the lines might cross. But constructive dismissal. like harassment, requires ongoing and repeated activities that might appear innocuous on their own but contribute to a bigger picture of negative treatment when taken as a whole.

I, too, am not a lawyer, despite very thorough familiarity with these laws. I was a union steward and the Research Coordinator in the Systemic Investigation Unit at the Ontario Human Rights Commission for 7 years.

Hope this helps.

You have lots of options here DareU2 - just remember to keep the focus on his actions and do not respond to the content of his allegations - none of the content are appropriate or relevant in the workplace.

 

[Fatume]

Please answer one basic question. Is anything he has said a lie? If not then as the saying says "you made your bed now sleep in it."

 

[DareU2]

Thanks for all the info and advice. Here is the update.
I went to work an hour early on no sleep. I informed management of the situation. They sent me home on stress for 48 hrs and advised me to call my union and a Sr management later in the day. Union was a waste of time. Wanted names of co-workers spoken to in order verify my claim and I don't want to involve them yet. Management wants it in writing and she made it clear I have done all I can to keep this out of the work place. Then out of the blue he appears outside my residence yelling and swearing at me. Done deal. Cops called and will lay charges of threatening and harrassment. Cop said he'd call my work as and verify they are acting, as the harrassment is taking place now, in and out of the work place and he suggested she file human rights charges.
WOW what a ride......there is still a small part that desires broken knee caps...small part.