Joke of the day......LMFAO

[ang]

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.


A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,

"Can I help you Sir?"

"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies..

The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging
out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....

"Holy shit! My girlfriend's gone, too!!

 

[doinker]

good one

 

[onehunglow]

Termite walks into a drinking establishment and says "Is the bartender here"?

 

[roblestone]

A baby seal walks into a club.

 

[y2kmark]

A ham & cheese sandwich walks into a bar.
Bartender: "Sorry, we don't serve food here."

 

[big.guy_13]

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

[big.guy_13]

A man walked into a bar.
Ouch.

 

[toughb]

Best one today.

LMAO

...

 

[HOF]

TRY THESE

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009!!

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'




A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.

 

[Discrete Encounters]

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He bought himself a warehouse.

 

[WhaWhaWha]

Did you hear about the blind SP? You really had to hand it to her.

 

[Discrete Encounters]

A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."

 

[onehunglow]

Hear about the 2 maggots who were making love in dead ernest?

 

[Moraff]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen." The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."