It's only domestic violence if the abuser is male...
- Thread starter djk
- Start date
And bullshit, too. Society looks at men who suffer from and report domestic abuse as weak. Hell, they're stronger than the men who suffer from it and stay quiet.
It was very telling how everyone thought the man did something to deserve it. Also how the off-duty cop thought it was just "a little argument" and did nothing to intervene.
Men are generally larger and stronger than women and are presumed to take care of themselves. The opposite is true of females. Females require assistance when attacked by males. Males can fend off women and walk away.
The only time I would be concerned is if the man were old, crippled, sick or otherwise unable to defend himself.
The only time I would be concerned is if the man were old, crippled, sick or otherwise unable to defend himself.
BTW, the Ontario domestic abuse police protocol is unisex and the cops have no option but to charge women as well as men when domestic abuse is alleged, even if the woman is 5'0" and 90 lbs and the guy is 6'4" and 250 lbs and works out in the gym every day. Now THAT is bullshit!!
And these silly charges are laid WAY more frequently than "men's rights" ranters would ever admit with their continual whining about how "one-sided" the law is.
And these silly charges are laid WAY more frequently than "men's rights" ranters would ever admit with their continual whining about how "one-sided" the law is.
The no complaint required aspect of the charge is BS. If someone wants to file a complaint, that is their right. If they don't want to, that should be there right too. The automatic charge just makes people less likely to involve the police at all IMHO.
Why is this bullshit? Just because the man is bigger than the woman? Or for some other reason?
Physical abuse usually comes with psychological abuse, which largely explain why people who are abused (women AND men) are often unable to protect themselve from the physical abuse and put a stop to it. This is even more true when children are involved in the equation, and the abused parent is concerned about losing access to their kid or fearing for the safety of their kid if they try to stop the physical abuse. The physical size of both the abuser and the abused has seldom anything to do with being able to get out of an abusive situation.
It is indeed tragic that abuse is often not considered abuse when men are the victim and women are the abuser and that men who are victim of abuse are told to "grow some balls". But I would suggest that it comes from the same BS logic that applies to women who are victim of violence and abuse, where we often tend to blame the victim ("she's an idiot for not leaving him/for getting back with him/women like "bad boys"/women like being treated like shit/etc."), and to naturalize violence (especially in men): boys will be boys and all that, and a man who is physically abused by a woman is an anomaly, and need to grow a pair. Two sides from the same coin.
I think that's naive. I have personal experience here, for about two months I lived with a woman who was violent. I'm around 180lbs and she was around 110lbs, and I've got a good six inches of height on her. So, by your notion, it should b easy right--I should just be able to fend her of and walk away, no harm done.
Now it's true I could have decked her with one punch, likely, probably just put her right down. I never did that.
Now what?
When you remove the possibility of hitting someone with everything you've got suddenly that size advantage isn't worth as much as you would think. She can hit, kick, scratch, bite pretty hard. She can also pick up objects and hurl them. She can pick up objects and use them as weapons, while as a decent person intent on not harming a woman I'm not willing to do any of those things, I'm not even willing to throw a punch.
Not so easy now.
So do I just walk away? She's got an answer for that too: First, "fending off" someone who is in a complete rage and just "walking away" isn't as easy as you make it sound. Second, she'll systematically start destroying all the property in the apartment in a violent rage, with the goal of bringing me back to engage her again.
She smashed a $2000 camera at one point. So do I have a right to defend my property from such destruction? How do you propose I do that, and how's it going to look to the police when they arrive? If a guy walked into my place and started smashing my stuff I would put him down. Try that with your spouse or girlfriend, see how it goes over with the police: Well I don't know, because I never did. I just suffered the loss of my property for a few weeks until common sense prevailed and I moved out. I can only imagine it would not have been good for me.
Fortunately I've got a good job and it was well within my means to just go find a new place to live, pay double rent for awhile. What about a guy who can't afford that? Sometimes it's difficult for people to extract themselves from a bad relationship. Sometimes for financial reasons. Sometimes for social or emotional reasons. Lucky for me I was financially, physically, and mentally able to leave. What if we'd had kids though?
Your notion that it's EVER easy to deal with a violent person shows that you've no prior experience dealing with one.
Obviously the solution was to leave--that's why we only lived together for two months. She seemed like a great girl until we moved in together.
I never did hit her, but for a couple of months I was routinely scratched up and covered in bruises because "fending off" a violent person full of rage just isn't as easy as you make it sound. At one point I tried to restrain her by physically holding her to prevent her smashing my stuff, and she twisted around and struggled so violently that she pulled a muscle. Is that my fault? I got a fair number of scratches on me from that encounter too, had trouble explaining them at work.
I think you don't have any personal experience here.
Quite a story. A smart guy with good job covered in scratches and bruises routinely writes on an escort board. What a country.
So you would be in favour of dating obese women so there is no risk of being charged with domestic violence because she is bigger than you?
I agree with Gen and fuji. Gender doesn't determine whether or not someone can be abused, and neither does size. I had a friend who was female, 5'2", 104lbs, but all muscle and she could become quite violent. There was a time when she was living with a guy who was 6'0" and 180lbs, also all muscle. She would fly into rages and abuse him physically and verbally, and when he would report it the police wouldn't even bother to investigate. The thinking was that he was large enough and strong enough to defend himself. But as fuji said, what most people don't realize is that short of hurting your attacker, there isn't much you can do. And if you are 6'0" and you hurt a person who is 5'2" trying to defend yourself, it looks like you were the agressor instead.
so you had the finacial, physical and mental ability to leave but you didn't leave cuz you were worried about some of your stuff ? do i have that right ?
walking away is the only solution, you can come back later with the police and get your stuff if you want. if you are in a relationship and it becomes abusive physically or mentally to the point where you consider violence to your SO you leave.
It is not precisely what Geni is writing of, but related to this is the whole gender issue where very few police protocols call for arrest for razor sharp tongue, but do when the victim thereof has enough and grabs or pushes.
This is not to defend battering, but the above is an unfortunate fact of life which is unjust.
nah my ex did everything she could to make me hit her and everytime she would get into one of those moments i would walk out. she would sober up and calm down and when i came home she had realized how fucked she would be if she didn't have me around paying the bills and would say sorry.
i had a friend once that i would watch his wife punch herself in the face and beat the shit out of herself then call the cops and tell them it was him that did it. he got arrested everytime.
What puzzles me is people who stay with their SO after they called the cops on them.
Don't you fucking realize that calling the cops is an act of betrayal? Which is likely to be repeated? How can you trust a bitch who called cops on you? Which could have led to you being shanked in the cells or fucked in the ass?
Are we men or are we slaves of the pussy?
I'm not covered in bruises and scratches. I was one day long ago after one incident, which incident in fact motivated me to move out shortly afterwards... did you actually read the whole story? It doesn't sound like it.
My point though is it's a lot harder to deal with violent people than Oagre's post sounds like. It turns out to be quite difficult to fend off or restrain someone if it's also your goal not to physically harm them. I mean, if you're willing to punch someone's light out maybe it's not so hard--but try physically restraining someone, or fending them off, without seriously hurting them, when they're intent on hurting you. It's pretty fucking hard.
All this happened long ago, I had another live-in girlfriend after that, and then a wife for many years.
