Is it usual to be disappointed in your children?

[mmouse]

As my kids move into early teens, I find myself feeling more and more negative about them. Despite our efforts at every stage, they have absolutely no interests other than video games, youtube and other passive, lowest common denominator entertainment. They don't like sports. They can't be dragged outside for exercise. They won't read books. They don't listen to music. They have no hobbies at all. They show no desire to be independent, in fact they are totally useless at planning ahead, remembering what they need to do, or even attempting to be organized. If we give them something nice they will lose it.

I realise I as a parent have a lot to do with this but I don't know why. For example music. All my life I've loved music. I'm self-taught on a few instruments but never had lessons or the discipline to be more than amateur level. Since my kids were born I've exposed them continuously to the music I love - classical, rock, funk, jazz, metal, punk, rap etc. I've had instruments lying around they could play with. My wife and I have spent a small fortune on formal lessons, and my oldest is even at grade 8 now. But they don't enjoy it. We must force them to practice, then I grind my teeth because it sounds so bad, because they have no musical ear. They don't have stereos in their rooms. I got them family Spotify accounts but they don't use them. How can you play music if you don't listen to it?

Anyway if they don't have any musical ability that's fine and we don't want them to feel shit about it. We often ask them if they want to stop and they choose to continue. Because even they can see that they gave absolutely nothing else to feel proud about. Academically they are lazy and not especially bright. They are not inquisitive. They are not ambitious. They have a bleak career outlook as far as I can see, although mine isn't exactly a shining example.

Does anyone else have a comparative experience? Is this just a symptom of over active parenting and a lack of role models? What can I do? Disliking your own kids is obviously not healthy. But I'd prefer to help them than sooth my conscience.

 

[NewZee]

“The children now love luxury; they have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for elders and love chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up dainties at the table, cross their legs, and tyrannize their teachers.”

― Socrates

 

[Krakatoa]

Youth is wasted on the young.

Your kids will eventually mature and grow into interesting, responsible people. Meanwhile the teenage years will be filled with selfishness and lethargy. My best advice is to not drive them away. Love them and encourage them and they'll want to please you in return. Wanting to please your parents can be a great motivator to succeed.

 

[jelly baby]

The only way to be successful is to get a government paper pushing jobs.

You get to sit all day doing nothing, attend meetings where you can fall asleep and everyone won't notice because they are asleep, and in your private office surf TERB or porn.

Now these paper pushers don't even go to the office, they sit at home collecting their big welfare cheques - even bigger then CERB.

If they fail to get those cushy jobs, then yes, your kids are LOSERS.

As far as music, why torture them.

Blowing a flute will not be including in the "jobs of the future". The only job now is paper pushing or building condos for useless Polish immigrants. THE END.

 

[Mr Bret]

This may sound way out there to some of you, but have you ever considered taking an interest in one of the pass times that interests them?
Maybe see if there's at least one video game they might be willing to teach you about. Or ask if they know of any you tubers you might be interested in.
It may be painful for you to do, but showing an interest in something they like may spark a common interest which may in turn open the lines of communication.
Just a thought. Extend an olive branch and meet them on their side of the divide.

 

[Fun For All]

Ungrateful teenagers...what are the odds.

 

[yomero5]

Keep doing what you are doing. High school will be tough, so do whatever you can to help and support them through it. Don't give up on them.

 

[danmand]

Disappointments never end with children. One of my children became a lawyer.

 

[trm]

Youth is wasted on the young.

Your kids will eventually mature and grow into interesting, responsible people. Meanwhile the teenage years will be filled with selfishness and lethargy. My best advice is to not drive them away. Love them and encourage them and they'll want to please you in return. Wanting to please your parents can be a great motivator to succeed.

This is great advice. Be patient. I was a late bloomer. My parents were disappointed when I was young, but at 30 they were proud of me. The key thing is although they expressed their desires for me, they were always supportive and let me find my own way into a field I was good at and could be successful in. Show them love and support and some day they will make you proud.

 

[VIPhunter]

It's probably wise to be honest with your self, and ask: "Did I disappoint my folks in my teens?"

Most likely you did. You might have been a good student, and played sports, but did you attend church with them? Did you visit grandma? Did you keep your hair in a brush-cut, or was your dad telling you to cut it?

Smoke weed? Drink too much? Have sex before marriage? Date girls mom didn't like? Keep your room neat?

We could have disappointed our folks in many ways...but the smart parent realizes, either now or later that their children are individuals just starting to make their way in life.

It's not always easy....but...cut them some slack.

 

[onomatopoeia]

Consider offering a deferred financial incentive for good grades in high school, perhaps $200 at graduation for each A earned in grades 9-12, $50 for a B, and nothing for a C. Also give them three years' notice of when they will have to move out on their own, or pay rent to continue living at home. A lot of Baby Boom parents have '30 year old teenagers' still living at home, and a lot of teens see that as an acceptable alternative to the 9-5 grind.

 

[Happyhomer]

Don’t be their friend. Be their parent. When kids are between 2-10 you need to tell them what to do. No choices.

Teenage years is too late to correct these types of issues. All of my kids hated swimming during a phase. They all love to swim now. Some were better scholastically then others but they all had to work hard or there were consequences. You cannot control 14+ year old kids but if you have e trained them right, you can incentivize them.

Keep them off the pole is good parenting too.

 

[Robert Mugabe]

As my kids move into early teens, I find myself feeling more and more negative about them. Despite our efforts at every stage, they have absolutely no interests other than video games, youtube and other passive, lowest common denominator entertainment. They don't like sports. They can't be dragged outside for exercise. They won't read books. They don't listen to music. They have no hobbies at all. They show no desire to be independent, in fact they are totally useless at planning ahead, remembering what they need to do, or even attempting to be organized. If we give them something nice they will lose it.

I realise I as a parent have a lot to do with this but I don't know why. For example music. All my life I've loved music. I'm self-taught on a few instruments but never had lessons or the discipline to be more than amateur level. Since my kids were born I've exposed them continuously to the music I love - classical, rock, funk, jazz, metal, punk, rap etc. I've had instruments lying around they could play with. My wife and I have spent a small fortune on formal lessons, and my oldest is even at grade 8 now. But they don't enjoy it. We must force them to practice, then I grind my teeth because it sounds so bad, because they have no musical ear. They don't have stereos in their rooms. I got them family Spotify accounts but they don't use them. How can you play music if you don't listen to it?

Anyway if they don't have any musical ability that's fine and we don't want them to feel shit about it. We often ask them if they want to stop and they choose to continue. Because even they can see that they gave absolutely nothing else to feel proud about. Academically they are lazy and not especially bright. They are not inquisitive. They are not ambitious. They have a bleak career outlook as far as I can see, although mine isn't exactly a shining example.

Does anyone else have a comparative experience? Is this just a symptom of over active parenting and a lack of role models? What can I do? Disliking your own kids is obviously not healthy. But I'd prefer to help them than sooth my conscience.

just started reading this book. explains it all

The Sibling Society

Where have all the grownups gone? In answering that question with the same freewheeling erudition and intuitive brilliance that made Iron John a national bestseller, poet, storyteller and translator Robert Bly tells us that we live in a "sibling society, " in which adults have regressed into...

books.google.ca

 

[Mr.lover]

@mmouse So here in lies the problem:
"But they don't enjoy it. We must force them to practice, then I grind my teeth because it sounds so bad, because they have no musical ear. They don't have stereos in their rooms. I got them family Spotify accounts but they don't use them. How can you play music if you don't listen to it?"

So buried in these statements are.. in their upbringing, somewhere along the line you killed their self esteem and confidence.. so they don't want to be a disappointment and failure to you anymore. The really impressive kids have supportive, well adjusted parents, who don't just talk but act responsibly, respectfully and supportive. It's a tough gig, somewhere in the future hopefully they will come to terms and grow into their confidence. However deep down there is always that lack of self esteem.
How do you fix it? Develop a positive relationship with them, stop being critical, stop being judgemental, try to get into their world, share their interests and talk openly to them.
I also made these mistakes and still working to repair the damage.

 

[Robert Mugabe]

As my kids move into early teens, I find myself feeling more and more negative about them. Despite our efforts at every stage, they have absolutely no interests other than video games, youtube and other passive, lowest common denominator entertainment. They don't like sports. They can't be dragged outside for exercise. They won't read books. They don't listen to music. They have no hobbies at all. They show no desire to be independent, in fact they are totally useless at planning ahead, remembering what they need to do, or even attempting to be organized. If we give them something nice they will lose it.

I realise I as a parent have a lot to do with this but I don't know why. For example music. All my life I've loved music. I'm self-taught on a few instruments but never had lessons or the discipline to be more than amateur level. Since my kids were born I've exposed them continuously to the music I love - classical, rock, funk, jazz, metal, punk, rap etc. I've had instruments lying around they could play with. My wife and I have spent a small fortune on formal lessons, and my oldest is even at grade 8 now. But they don't enjoy it. We must force them to practice, then I grind my teeth because it sounds so bad, because they have no musical ear. They don't have stereos in their rooms. I got them family Spotify accounts but they don't use them. How can you play music if you don't listen to it?

Anyway if they don't have any musical ability that's fine and we don't want them to feel shit about it. We often ask them if they want to stop and they choose to continue. Because even they can see that they gave absolutely nothing else to feel proud about. Academically they are lazy and not especially bright. They are not inquisitive. They are not ambitious. They have a bleak career outlook as far as I can see, although mine isn't exactly a shining example.

Does anyone else have a comparative experience? Is this just a symptom of over active parenting and a lack of role models? What can I do? Disliking your own kids is obviously not healthy. But I'd prefer to help them than sooth my conscience.

How can you play music if you don't even like it?
I remember reading about a Flamenco guitarist who was forbidden to play by his dad. He used to hide his guitar in a shed and sneak away to practice in spite of the fear of being caught and beaten for it. It's called motivation.

 

[fall]

@mmouse So here in lies the problem:
"But they don't enjoy it. We must force them to practice, then I grind my teeth because it sounds so bad, because they have no musical ear. They don't have stereos in their rooms. I got them family Spotify accounts but they don't use them. How can you play music if you don't listen to it?"

So buried in these statements are.. in their upbringing, somewhere along the line you killed their self esteem and confidence.. so they don't want to be a disappointment and failure to you anymore. The really impressive kids have supportive, well adjusted parents, who don't just talk but act responsibly, respectfully and supportive. It's a tough gig, somewhere in the future hopefully they will come to terms and grow into their confidence. However deep down there is always that lack of self esteem.
How do you fix it? Develop a positive relationship with them, stop being critical, stop being judgemental, try to get into their world, share their interests and talk openly to them.
I also made these mistakes and still working to repair the damage.

Completely agree. You did not exposed them to a variety things when they were children: fun math competitions, programming classes, competitive sports. Something that they can be good at. Instead, you pushed them to do something that they do not like and/or not talented in. As a result, they understand that they cannot be good at anything but still do not want to give up music because of lots of time and effort invested in it. As a safe choice, start teaching you kids math when they are 3 y,o., go over the grade 6 material before they turn 7 y.o, so that they will feel that they are good at something from when they are really young and get validation of they accomplishments from outside the family. Then they will not be afraid to do any new things and will not go into their shells

 

[Mr.lover]

One of the biggest problems in our society is we are too critical of our kids. We destroy their self confidence and self esteem. They will in turn parent their kids the same way and it becomes a big messed up society.
Instead of nurturing, supporting and respecting their choices and decisions, we criticize and force them into what we think is best for them. On the other hand, sometimes we let them fail and rub their faces in it with the "I told you that would happen, but you wanted to do it anyway " yes, I have done it all.. made every mistake possible.

 

[explorerzip]

Just be glad that they are at home, not doing drugs, in a gang or sleeping around with different women... wait

Honestly though, I'd give them time to figure their own lives out. Most people are slackers in their teens and school is not a focus. At some point, your kids will get jobs and will learn how the real world works.

 

[itd131]

It's always the parents....

For example, if all they do is play video games and watch youtube, why do they have access to either? They can't be dragged out for exercise? They don't read books? Why are they given a choice?

Start being a parent.

 

[oil&gas]

Just be glad that they are at home, not doing drugs, in a gang or sleeping around with different women... wait

It is great to have a stud as a son. It is not so
great to have a teen daughter slut sleeping around
with different boys.