I Need Some Relationship Advice/Perspective

[ElCoyote]

Hi everyone, I just wanted to tell you all a story about what I have experienced in my past relationship within the past year and while the events that unfolded were at the time quite surreal, my coming to terms with the whole situation has been a work in progress. Anyway, I just wanted to share this story in the hopes of getting some better understanding of things. Maybe others have experienced what I have gone through, or understand women better, but anyway here it goes...

I was in a relationship with my ex who is hindu-indian, for about 8 years. While it was no secret to me that she wanted to get married, for me it wasn't the right time. I was still in school working on a professional degree but she was working making good money and eager to start her life. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't like I didnt want to marry her...i did, but for me the timing wasn't right. I wanted to be finished with school or almost finished.

Our parents and cultures were compatible and I although she was a very strong person, it sometimes came across as bossy. It wasn't anything that bothered me at the time and continued the relationship. During our time together she decided to purchase a condo as an investment. She never moved into it, but once she sold it she sought my help in finding a townhouse. I kid you not, I found her one such property and she bought it 4 days later without looking at anything else. Anyway it was her money what did I care (well i did, but i digress). Here is the kicker, a few months later she is telling me how excited she is for her new townhouse, but she doesnt want to live there on her own. She wants me to move in with her. Having never living with a girlfriend I was kinda uncomfortable with this idea, but she continued to push the issue over time, and I kept avoiding it.

There were a few times where we had the heart to heart about getting engaged and I know that not only I, but my folks wanted me to finish school first before anything of that nature happened. It just made sense. However a few times she had pushed the issue with me that I thought I would end up losing her. So in talking with my folks they were completely opposed to the idea (keep in mind they had no issues with her, they just wanted me to finish school first). So here I am caught between a rock and a hard place. I can't seem to do anything without upsetting either my folks or my ex.

As time went on, I was feeling alot of pressure from her and my folks and I just stopped talking to my ex for about a month. She was really upset by this and rightly so, I acted like a complete douche, but we eventually got back together. I guess she was facing aliot of pressure by her folks to get settled down and her folks wanted to introduce her to other guys. So I had the bright idea for her to go on these dates with the arranged dudes so just to appease her parents, but keeping in mind she only wanted to be with me. However, I found out that she was going on a date with a guy she had negelected to tell me about. Anyway she went on the date with the guy this is oct 08. Afterwards i inquire about the date and she tells me the guy was a geek and she wasnt interested. Nuff said so i figured. Apparently i acted like a douch once more and stopped talking to her again in nov 08 for 5 days, only to rekindle on her bday. Figured the crap was behind us and told her I was working on figuring something out that would appease both her and my folks. We come into dec we spent newyears 09 2gether and had sex.

Now something wasnt quite right. I knew i couldnt deliever on what she wanted and I didn't want to endure the stress anymore. So once again I stopped talking to her. When I stopped talking to her it wasn't to be an asshole, although that is how it came across. The fact is there was so much stress I was experiencing between wanting to settle down with her and my folks. But I got caught up on something else. First was that she wanted me to move in to her place. I kinda felt that I would have been obligated to her in some major way,and if she said jump I would have to do so. Second her folks were kinda manipulative in wanting her to settle down. I figured it wouldn't end there and that they would want to dictate when we had kids.

 

[serviceman]

I hope you're writing part II as I read this, I gotta see where this is going. But so-far, my advise is to move on. If you can go for days, weeks, even a month without talking to this girl tells me you either don't love her enough to get married, or she's not the right girl. Either way, it doesn't sound like you're head is ever going to be in the right place with this one.

Sorry for the interruption, please continue...

 

[ElCoyote]

part 2

The other thing, and I don't know if this is a cultural thing, is that she felt she had to get married first in order for her younger brother to get married. Apparently, the younger brother and his girlfriend were serious and wanted to get married but couldnt until my ex (the older sister did)

Anyway ultimately the pressure got to me and I stopped talking to her in jan 09. However by the end of jan, I noticed on her facebook she was making trips to scarborough (we both live in the west end of GTA). What i discovereed was that this was the place of the that guy she went on the date with that she thought was a geek.

By mid feb 09, she had deleted my off of facebook and was trying to make me look like the bad guy. All in all I had no good reason to stop talking to her in jan...it was just a gut reaction.

Through this, whole odeal she remains or trys to remain friends with my best bud. Calling him every now and then and telling him what is new in her life, full well knowing its gonna come back to me. At one point I ran into her in march 09 while jogging (we used to live close to each other), she stops the car and tries to say hi. I didn;t give her the time of day, and I was very angry towards her ( at this point I felt wronged because now she was dating this other douche whom she had gone on a date with while supposedly she was still with me) Anyway told her what to do with the short end of the stick.

She still continued to talk to my best bud, even informing him that she had a new man,and wanted to know whether she should tell me. A few times she called me to let me know she was going to introduce her parents to her new guys parents. (side note: when we were together she had told me if anything was going to happen between us, it would have to happen by aug 09----i dont know why, but i guess she wanted a summer engagement- but keep this date in mind aug 09)


Another time she called me (4th time calling me since we broke up) and she thought I was trying to find out info from her co-workers on her new relationship (which was completely false), but none the less I started to have the "words" with her over the phone asking her how she could do this etc. She actually had the nerve to ask me why I couldnt be happy for her!!!! Can u believe the nerve of this chick!!! Basically she wanted to let me know she was happy. I guess she needed to clear her conscience or something.

Now a little while later I was talking with her best friend and professed my love for my ex and about wanting to get together ( which I was sure was passed on) My ex did indeed call me to say "she heard there was something I wanted to talk about", but i never called her.

Now in late june she calls me to inform me that she is "going" to be engaged in aug.!!! What girl calls her ex to tell him of an impending engagment???? I still can't wrap my head around this one. If she was trying to get me to stop it and profess my love for her she was smoking something. But I really can't figure out the reason for this event, can anyone enlighten me? Needlessly I didnt play it cool, I was very emotional and called her every name under the sun.

Two very interesting things out of this, 1.) If we happened to get engaged she had no issues with taking my last name, now with this other dude, she is keeping her name..what is up with that
2.) the date.... when we were dating she had marked aug 09 as a deadline for something to happen with us, now she went and got another guy in virtually no turnaround time and fit him into the same schedule aug 09.


now a few months ago I forgot i still had access to her email. I found a letter to a family friend dated april 09, telling the friend that my ex and the new guy had been together almost 8 months!! MY heart sank when I read this, since I stopped talking to her in jan, that meant she was seeeing this other guy for almost 4 months before. I couldn;t believe it and had a hard time accepting it. Not only that i recently found out that they recently moved in tgether.

So all in all, my ex had gone from a 7 year realtionship to getting engaged and moving in with someone else in less than one calender year with virtually no turn around time healing time or whatever u need in between relationships.

I believe I am beyond the point of wanting my ex to feel pain/hurt or any negative emotion, but when I step back and try and look objectively at the situation it makes absolutely no sense and I really worry about whether she is making a really big mistake. I've heard of losing yourself in someone else but this is ridiculous.

Would appreciate any advice on this topic. Thankyou for taking the time to read this rant.

 

[flubadub]

I don't get it, you basically dumped her and then got upset because she found someone else? You don't really sound concerned for her, just for yourself. Shit or get off the pot, buddy. If you don't want to marry her, then be happy for her that she found someone who did want to marry her. If you did want to marry her, but wanted to wait until you're out of school why didn't you get engaged and set the marriage date after you graduated.

You brushed her off, she found someone else, now deal with it.

 

[Nickelodeon]

8 years and you can't make up your mind. Jeez no wonder women have such a poor opinion of men.

 

[nolabel]

You snooze, you lose.
It's all entirely your fault for spending so long being a yoyo (want her, hate her, want here, hate her). This is one case where your bubble needs to be burst: you acted quite immature, so you have to ask yourself whether this other guy was both more into her than you and acted more mature to boot. If she's happy you should butt out and remember the whole thing as showing you the consequences, to yourself, of not being mature about what you want or do not want. On the upside, you're going to be better off, because it looks like you're now seeing that you have be a bit more honest with yourself and with others. All the best.

 

[Danolo]

Move on, buddy...

Find some pretty women to share your bed once in a while, to play with, and to enjoy.

But do not get married. You are not yet settled into the kind of man you should be, and you must not pollute someone else's life until you are settled and fully mature. And for goodness sakes, do not impregnate anyone!

Like the song says: "Make a new plan, Stan, and set yourself free!"

I wish you well...

 

[T.O.tourist]

To paraphrase what the other posters have said:

You fucked it up.
Get over it.

 

[alex52]

Is this what you wanted from other members of TERB ElCoyote shit poured on your head.

Your such a loser.


If loved you should have married her. If you didn't, then don't cry.


Posting two pages of rubbish to get some sympathy is so funny.

 

[Gomer123]

You were in school for 8 years? What's taking so long? The rest of us have finished already.

Any why are you asking here on TERB? Are you playing the field when you should be talking to her?

You are one messed up dude.

 

[freespirit]

I agree with you that you acted like a total douchebag........ignoring her for days/weeks at a time just to avoid an issue???? What the hell is THAT???

However, she obviously had a life plan in place. She was determined (and probably under pressure from her parents) to be in a relationship with SOMEONE, even if she was not in love with him. Also, it could be that some people just don't know how to be alone and will rush into another relationship when they are still in love with their previous partner. Not sure why they do this as it will ultimately end in disaster....restlessness, cheating, etc.

She sounds like she still had feelings for you as she tried to get in touch with you to talk, stopped you while jogging, etc. She was obviously reaching out to you. However, being told what to do with the short end of a stick was obviously not the reaction she was looking for.

Why she couldn't wait if she was really in love with you? Who knows. The end result is you kept ignoring her and putting her off. If she felt the need to move on (even if it is with someone she's not in love with), so be it.

I don't imagine this relationship she's in will last. It was too fast and only because she was under pressure. Who knows? Maybe once she fucks up this new relationship, the two of you will cross paths once again.

In the meantime, focus on school and your own life plan. You may even meet a girl at school you are interested in. You don't need to live with the kind of pressure she was putting on you anyway.

Lots of fish in the sea buddy. Go and enjoy!

 

[Cinema Face]

With all due respect, you sound like a colossal douchebag. G,mon, after 8 years she was trying to get some kind of commitment from you. That seems reasonable to me. I think after being together that long, I think she to know where this is going. I’m sure in her culture there was some family pressure to get married (such is the case in all cultures). You say that you want to marry her but the time isn’t right. When will the time ever be right? I’d say you’ve got your priorities all screwed up.
From what you wrote here, my guess is that she hooked up with the other guy to make you jealous. As is often the case, guys don’t know what they’ve got until they risk losing it. Instead, you reacted like a jerk and snubbed her and wouldn’t return her calls.
She’s acting like a girl with a seriously broken heart. She probably still loves you. My guess is that you care about her, otherwise you wouldn’t have written this novel. It might not be too late. If you want her back you have to be the bigger person and tell her you’ve been a jerk and that you want her back. Of course if you want this girl, you’ll have to give her something: a commitment. She sounds like a great lady. She could probably teach you a thing or two about what’s really important in life, love and family.

 

[anon1]

You are selfish.
You want everybody to put their life on hold.
You want to do what your mommy tells you.
She's better off without you.

 

[FOOTSNIFFER]

You're too passive-aggressive, man. The not responding to her attempts at keeping contact with you, not calling back when she calls, etc. You're just attempting to see if she's controllable...and now you've discovered that she's not. Tough luck. You sound pretty insecure to me; grow up.

If you want something in life, don't hold back...go after it without a second thought because the opportunity that presents itself is so often fleeting and comes with no second chances. I used to be a bit like you, but after fucking up a few incredible opportunities just because they weren't in my plans, I've come to see the error of my ways. Life is what happens to you while you're making plans.

 

[Anynym]

I don't believe that "the silent treatment" is a particularly adult way of dealing with the issues one faces in a relationship, although it does seem common as many don't do well with the "sit down and talk it over quietly" concept.

But it seems clear enough that she had strong feelings for you, and that you were a large part of her life for a long time. It seems natural enough that she might think you loved her, and that she was a large part of your life too. And that being the case, telling you that she was going to be getting engaged seems like a nice way of her sharing her excitement, and for you to have the opportunity to be happy for her.

I have no doubt that she had her own dreams about how her life would unfold, and at roughly what age she would get married. And it sounds like you didn't ultimately support her plans.

Which is probably for the best - from the description of the relationship, I can't imagine that it would have been a particularly happy marriage.

Now is the time to move on. If you ever did love her, then be happy for her. If not, then think about her no more. But don't get caught up in how her life supposedly affects you because that's not what it's about.

 

[Brill]

It's too bad you both weren't on the same timeline because of school, I don't see you were being selfish. I sense it would have been immoral to live with her in your culture, but if that wasn't the case you should have moved in. You should have kept communicating throughout all of this.

You have to ask yourself if you still want her, but you're too hurt and angry to know so you don't know your true feelings. It's simpler to move on, you'll find someone else who is perfect.

Don't let this cloud your judgment of women, don't replace dating with seeing escorts either.

Good luck!

 

[Cinema Face]

I predict that in years to come, elcoyote will be ready to settle down and he will be kicking himself that he let this one get away.

 

[fuji]

Now in late june she calls me to inform me that she is "going" to be engaged in aug.!!! What girl calls her ex to tell him of an impending engagment????

When I got married i went to see my ex live in GF of many years to tell her. I wanted her to hear it from me, in person, rather than from someone else. It was a matter of having a little bit of respect for her feelings, which I knew would be hurt. My wife asked me for persmission to go and see her ex, and tell him in person that we were getting married--I understood perfectly why she needed to do that, and so I let her. People understand these things, i can't fathom why you don't.

You asked for feedback and I'm going to give you some, and it isn't going to be nice, sorry. Maybe it's bet you hear it, though, and reflect on it, and maybe in the future you won't make the horrible mistakes you've been making.

My first observation is that you don't know how to love someone. You pay no attention to their needs and you are mystified as to why this upsets them. You're callous towards them and for some reason seem to feel you need to signal to them that they're shit and you're great. Then you're shocked and feel "wronged" when it turns out she's fucking someone else, probably someone who treats her right.

#1, moving in or getting married was important to her, you had to make an honest call there. You either had to be honest with her and tell her you weren't going to do it, and let her move on to someone else, or you had to give in to something that was important to her. Moving in is not a big deal and seems like a reasonable compromise vs. getting married, assuming you want to be with her.

#2, letting her date other guys signaled that you didn't really care for her, whatever you said in words, your actions spoke volumes. She got the message. You're suprised?

#3, finishing school... I had girlfriends all through University, I lived with one in my last year. If you're worried she would distract you from school then you should have had an honest conversation about that. Maybe you would say, "look, I would love to move in with you, but I am worried it will distract me from school. Can you think of any way that we could work this out?"

You might have reached a deal where you'd live together but you'd have a few nights a week where she's stay with her parents so you could focus on school or something. There are solutions. Or maybe you could study in the library.

Either you didn't really want to move in and you're using your parents as an excuse, or else you're a momma's boy and you let your parents push you around. Once you're in a serious relationship, if you ever do get married, your wife has to come first, your family second. If your wife and family get into a pissing match you stand up for your wife.

Now she's not your wife, but if she is to be your future wife some day then you have to start acting like you respect her. It's probably too late--you've already signaled that you have no respect for her, don't care about her needs, and would rather she fucked somebody else.

now a few months ago I forgot i still had access to her email. I found a letter to a family friend dated april 09, telling the friend that my ex and the new guy had been together almost 8 months!! MY heart sank when I read this, since I stopped talking to her in jan, that meant she was seeeing this other guy for almost 4 months before.

a) You told her to date other guys!!!

b) You're a complete jack-hole for reading her email.

You aren't even together anymore. I give people a pass for reading their spouse's email to see if cheating is going on, technically it's still wrong, but so much goes on in a relationship that you can never really assign blame.

You're not in a relationship with her anymore though! You have no fucking business reading her email, you're a jackass.

So all in all, my ex had gone from a 7 year realtionship to getting engaged and moving in with someone else in less than one calender year with virtually no turn around time healing time or whatever u need in between relationships.

Did you listen? This is important to her. She was trying to do it with you, you told her to fuck off, now she's doing what's important to her without you.

Sorry maybe you were hoping for someone to say that your ex is a complete bitch and a crazy psycho and that you were Mr. Wonderful and nobody should have crossed you, but you asked for every single thing that has happened.

Again, I've been harsh, but hopefully it helps you.

 

[fuji]

You are selfish.
You want everybody to put their life on hold.
You want to do what your mommy tells you.
She's better off without you.

LOL, I wrote a huge lecture, and you summed it up nicely in four lines.

 

[The Fruity Hare]

Not one person here has said she was in the wrong.

Hopefully the OP can see that he was to blame. It's probably to late to save this relationship, but hopefully he can see where his faults lay and correct them for the future.

Unfortunately, people with that mindset do not see themselves at fault. He wrote out that long letter, either hoping or expecting that we would take his side. He visited TERB earlier tonight so he must have read most of the comments without responding.

The first step is to accept that you are to blame. The second step is to change. Then you can focus on a healthy relationship. A relationship doesn't just happen, it takes a lot of work and effort from both parties.

Good luck.