How to deal with needy friend without being a dick?

[Danny46709394]

O my fucking god, so one of my friend just seperate with his wife. The day it happen I took him out for a few drinks just to check on him, I let him stay over that night and we went breakfast the next day. And that was about 1 and a half weeks ago. Now the dude is non stop calling, I am talking about 3 calls everyday, and these are fucking videos calls not just phone calls. I already told him I am a busy a few times, but the dude just not getting it. I don't wanna scream at him given what he just went through.

What can I do?

 

[Jasmina]

I'd say understand that it is a HUGE and painful event and just suck it up and be there for him. He could be in a really dark place and those calls could be keeping him from doing something harmful. It hasn't even been two weeks, chill out and be a good friend.

If it continues into months, then start setting some healthy boundaries by being honest, say, "Hey man, I got your back and I am here for you when you need it, but I have shit to do and might not always be available if it isn't urgent". Chances are it wont go on for that long though, I imagine he will eventually have to focus on getting his own life put back together.

 

[Jenesis]

What is he calling for? Bored? In need of support? Looking to party in his new found freedom? What are the reasons? What is his state of mind?

There may be a reason, a very needed, not needy, reason.

 

[moredale7]

O my fucking god, so one of my friend just seperate with his wife. The day it happen I took him out for a few drinks just to check on him, I let him stay over that night and we went breakfast the next day. And that was about 1 and a half weeks ago. Now the dude is non stop calling, I am talking about 3 calls everyday, and these are fucking videos calls not just phone calls. I already told him I am a busy a few times, but the dude just not getting it. I don't wanna scream at him given what he just went through.

What can I do?

Oh my fucking god

Red flag

 

[Twister]

O my fucking god, so one of my friend just seperate with his wife. The day it happen I took him out for a few drinks just to check on him, I let him stay over that night and we went breakfast the next day. And that was about 1 and a half weeks ago. Now the dude is non stop calling, I am talking about 3 calls everyday, and these are fucking videos calls not just phone calls. I already told him I am a busy a few times, but the dude just not getting it. I don't wanna scream at him given what he just went through.

What can I do?

He see's you as a good friend, I agree with Jasmina's post above. Wait a little more, if you care for him wait a little more, then down the road explain to him, its not that I don't care for you but I'm really busy...

 

[Danny46709394]

What is he calling for? Bored? In need of support? Looking to party in his new found freedom? What are the reasons? What is his state of mind?

There may be a reason, a very needed, not needy, reason.

Just constantly talk about his ex and as what I am doing. A few min there were just awkward silent for min

 

[Jenesis]

Just constantly talk about his ex and as what I am doing. A few min there were just awkward silent for min

So probably a combo of the normal upset over the loss of a relationship and boredom now that he has extra time.

Invest a few minutes in the convo and make some suggestions on things to do to pre-occupy his time. This will help him in many ways, make you a good friend and hopefully give him other outlets besides just you in the future.

 

[NotADcotor]

Have you tried talking to him?
This whole hinting stuff is bullshit. A simple, dude we need to talk, I get it, and I want to be there but not 24/7. Much like how the Chinese all you can eat buffet is all you can eat but not for 4 hour. Set limits and expectations.

If that doesn't work, well Johnny Cash might have some good advice here.

 

[Indiana]

Friends are overrated.
They’ll fuck you up every time

 

[rhuarc29]

Ha, I'm in a similar situation. A coworker asked if they could lay something on me, and I thought, being a good acquaintance, I'd hear her out. But now I've received sob story after sob story and she comes to me as some kind of emotional lifeline. I don't want to be harsh to her, but I have enough going on with work being a mess and all my family obligations, plus her neediness is emotionally draining at a time when I don't have many fucks to give.

Can't answer your question as I haven't figured it out for myself!

 

[oil&gas]

"A friend in need is a pest."

Bobby 'the Brain' Heenan

 

[Jasmina]

If you are the common denominator, you may want to reflect on your part in that, because I assure, that isn't the norm for most people.

Friends are overrated.
They’ll fuck you up every time

 

[jcpro]

Friends are overrated.
They’ll fuck you up every time

The problem is the definition of the word "friend" in the English based societies. It can go from an acquaintance all the way to a "I owe you my life" kind of relationship- hence the confusion the OP is having. In my native culture "friend" is like blood(brother, sister, etc), friendships are rare, life long and intimate where expressing one's honest opinion on any subject is a sacred rule. Those friendships are never overrated.

 

[Robert Mugabe]

 

[ziprogers]

I can tell you what won't work:
- every time they complain about something, one-up him by explaining how your life is much worse.
- feeling pity for him.
- join the party and blame the same people he's blaming.
- continuing to listen.
- any red pill/mgtow/sigma male propaganda

What might work:
- pestering him to accept Jesus as his Lord and Savior. Extra points if you give him books and links to religious youtube vides. Extra extra points for signing up his email to every religious social media subscription
- fuck his wife, then send him pictures with the caption "you're welcome"
- call him "entitled". people love that.
- do some passive aggressive shit, like letting him know that you've signed him up on a dating site - grindr
- actually sign him up on grindr
- learn the not-so-subtle art of ghosting
- introduce him to heavy narcotics

What might really work:
- Bro, as your friend, I think you're going off on the deep end and this is above and beyond what I'm capable of handling, so I must insist that you see a therapist.

 

[richaceg]

Your mistake is being there for hiim for that amount of time...drive him to the nearest MP or Incall and tell him this is what he's been missing being married...advise him it's not a cheap hobby but doable if he has a good paying job and do it moderately...

 

[SDreams]

If you really want to help him and you can frame it like this, tell him he needs to see a therapist or psychiatrist. That’s what they’re there for. It might be hard to find one during these times, but you’re not trained to help him through this long term and it’s just not helping either of you.

You’re a good dude for being there for him right in the middle of the crisis. It’s like you threw him a lifeline and helped to take him out of the most dangerous part of a storm. He’s not out of it yet though and instead of clinging to your boat, he needs someone else to set him up with his own boat so he can live his life again.

I do see it from his side too though. Traumatic event and SOMEONE was there to help so he’s comfortable knowing you’re there. But again, tell him the best thing for him to heal is to talk to a professional. If anything, he should talk to a professional and you should check in on him every week or few weeks; he shouldn’t be checking in with you 3 times a day

 

[Claudia Love]

O my fucking god, so one of my friend just seperate with his wife. The day it happen I took him out for a few drinks just to check on him, I let him stay over that night and we went breakfast the next day. And that was about 1 and a half weeks ago. Now the dude is non stop calling, I am talking about 3 calls everyday, and these are fucking videos calls not just phone calls. I already told him I am a busy a few times, but the dude just not getting it. I don't wanna scream at him given what he just went through.

What can I do?

You know when I hear stuff like this it really makes me mad because in order to have friends you must be a FRIEND. Oh course he's calling you and looking for a bro to help him get through this tough time but seriously it doesn't seem like you give a shit. Going out partying is not going to make him better but a one on one talk with him about his goals his dreams his passions and help guide him to make a plan on this life change. For instance ask him if he is interested in joining a team of sports or start a hobby you need to help him get back on his feet so he can keep himself busy. Also I recommend when break ups happen in marriages that both parties seek counselling to heal. When I broke up with my first husband my counsellor said divorce is like grieving a death.She helped me so much that I saved my sadness for herald not my friends.but I had to join things and get active in the community and the more people I met and did things with the better my life had become.infact it made me so happy that my life that seemed so depressing after the break up became my happiest time ever.

 

[james t kirk]

Sounds like he didn't see it coming at all.

Usually, those are the worst breakups. Guy had NO IDEA she was planning to leave him.

Co-worker of mine woke up one Saturday morning and she wasn't there. He texted her, "where are you?" thinking she was out shopping or some such stuff. She texted him back, "I can't do this anymore." He called her and asked her what she was talking about and she laid it on him that she was done with the marriage. He was flabbergasted as he no inkling of what was going on. She was / is a nurse and it turns out she was playing doctor with a doctor. He was a bit wrecked for a while, but eventually he found his bearings. Their kids both live with him and he he moved quickly to get the separation papers drawn up.

Best part of the story is that eventually his wife and her doctor buddy split up. I guess the other guy decided that he didn't want her that much. Fucking her was one thing, taking over the ownership was something completely different. So she tried to reconcile with her, but he told her to go pound salt.

 

[Robert Mugabe]

Sounds like he didn't see it coming at all.

Usually, those are the worst breakups. Guy had NO IDEA she was planning to leave him.

Co-worker of mine woke up one Saturday morning and she wasn't there. He texted her, "where are you?" thinking she was out shopping or some such stuff. She texted him back, "I can't do this anymore." He called her and asked her what she was talking about and she laid it on him that she was done with the marriage. He was flabbergasted as he no inkling of what was going on. She was / is a nurse and it turns out she was playing doctor with a doctor. He was a bit wrecked for a while, but eventually he found his bearings. Their kids both live with him and he he moved quickly to get the separation papers drawn up.

Best part of the story is that eventually his wife and her doctor buddy split up. I guess the other guy decided that he didn't want her that much. Fucking her was one thing, taking over the ownership was something completely different. So she tried to reconcile with her, but he told her to go pound salt.

Worked with a guy who was married for 20 years. Had just split up. Came home and she had moved most of the furniture and left a note. I asked. You didn't see it coming? He said, Not an inkling. Not a hint that anything was wrong.
My immediate conclusion. You obtuse cunt.