Liberal Arts major: will think for food.
If you can read this, I've lost the trailer!
Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.
Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam.
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up!
Procrastinate now.
Rehab is for quitters.
My dog can lick anyone!
I have a degree in Liberal Arts - do you want fries with that?
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
West Virginia: One million people, and 15 last names.
I'm out Of Estrogen and I've got a gun!
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
For Sale: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
Mop and Glo - The floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team.
NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Gravity: It's not just a good idea. It's the law.
You - Off my planet.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
Earth is full. Go home.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.
In dog years, I'm dead!
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Senior Citizen: Give me my damn discount!
(Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read this, my wife fell off!
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.
Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
A day without sunshine is like night.
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
Old age comes at a bad time.
In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?
I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
BEAUTY is in the eye of the beer holder.
The more you complain the longer God makes you live.
I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind - back in five minutes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Hang up and drive.
NEBRASKA: At least the cows are sane.
God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
HONK If you want to see my finger.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her (or something like that).
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.