Opinion
This is the dictionary, Florida edition
By Alexandra Petri
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July 28, 2023 at 1:24 p.m. EDT
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Well, it’s a week with a Thursday in it, and Florida is, once again, revising its educational standards in alarming ways. Not content with removing books from shelves, or demanding that the College Board water down its AP African American studies curriculum, the state’s newest history standards include lessons suggesting that enslaved people “developed skills” for “personal benefit.” This trend appears likely to continue. What follows is a preview of the latest edition of the dictionary to be approved in Florida.
Aah: (exclamation) Normal thing to say when you enter the water at the beach, which is over 100 degrees.
Abolitionists: (noun) Some people in the 19th century who were inexplicably upset about a wonderful free surprise job training program. Today they want to end prisons for equally unclear reasons.
Abortion: (noun) Something that male state legislators (the foremost experts on this subject) believe no one ever wants under any circumstances, probably; decision that people beg the state to make for them and about which doctors beg for as little involvement as possible.
The short life of Baby Milo
American history: (noun) A branch of learning that concerns a ceaseless parade of triumphs and contains nothing to feel bad about.
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Barbie: (noun) Feminist demon enemy of the state.
Biden, Joe: (figure) Illegitimate president.
Black history: (entry not found)
Blacksmith: (noun) A great job and one that enslaved people might have had. Example sentence from Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis (R): “They’re probably going to show that some of the folks that eventually parlayed, you know, being a blacksmith into doing things later in life.”
Book ban: (noun) Effective way of making sure that people never have certain sorts of ideas.
Censorship: (noun) When other people get mad about something you’ve said. Not to be confused with when you remove books from libraries or the state tells colleges what can and can’t be said in classrooms (both fine).
Child: (noun) Useful laborer with tiny hands; alternatively, someone whose reading cannot be censored enough.
Christian nationalism: (noun) Certainly constitutional; probably what the Founding Fathers would have preferred!
Classified: (adjective) Government’s way of saying that a paper is especially interesting and you ought to have it in your house.
Climate change: (noun) Conspiracy by scientists to change all the thermometers, fill the air with smoke and then blame us.
Cocaine: (noun) A substance discovered in the White House; the only fit subject for news cycles.
Constitution: (noun) A document that can be interpreted only by Trump-appointed or Federalist Society judges. If the Constitution appears to prohibit something that you want to do, take the judge on a boat and try again.
Alexandra Petri: Every second on the yacht, I wished I were in a Walmart parking lot
Coral: (noun) Superfluous refuge for fish, others who have failed to adapt to life on land.
DeSantis, Ron: (figure) Governor who represents the ideal human being. Pronunciation varies.
Disney: (noun) A corporation, but not the good kind.
DOJ: (noun) Schrodinger’s legal entity that is both good and evil simultaneously, used for investigating legitimate country-shaking crimes (Hunter Biden allegedly possessing a firearm) and conducting illegal raids (Donald Trump kindly opening his home to some classified documents).
Election: (noun) Binding if Republicans win; otherwise, needs help from election officials who will figure out where the fraud was that prevented the election from reflecting the will of the people (that Republicans win).
Elector: (noun) Someone Mike Pence should or should not have accepted, depending.
Emancipation Proclamation: (noun) Classic example of government overreach.
Firearm: (noun) Wonderful, beautiful object that every person ought to have six of, except Hunter Biden.
Florida: God’s paradise on Earth; sometimes Ohio; see “The Courage to Be Free”! All parts of the country at once. Real estate here will only get more valuable.
FOX: News.
Free speech: (noun) When you shut up and I talk.
Gun violence: (noun) Simple, unalterable fact of life, like death but unlike taxes.
Alexandra Petri: We will stop at nothing to protect the children
Immigration: (noun) When someone leaves their country of origin to seek a better life elsewhere; huge insult to the receiving country to be prevented at all costs.
Independence Day: See Jan. 6.
Jan. 6: (noun) A day when some beautiful, beloved people took a nice, uneventful tour of the U.S. Capitol.
King Jr., Martin Luther: (figure) A man who, as far as we can discern, only ever uttered one famous quotation and it was about how actually anytime you tried to suggest that people were being treated differently based on skin color you were the real racist. Sample sentence: “Dr. King would be enraged at the existence of Black History Month.”
Liberty: (noun) My freedom to choose what you can read (see Moms for Liberty).
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Moms for Liberty: (noun) Censors, but the good kind.
Nature: (noun) Something it is okay to boil, probably. Like soup.
Orca: (noun) Enemy of the state, vessels.
Orwellian: (adjective) When people are mad about a book written by Josh Hawley or another Republican, not when people try to erase slavery from history.
Pregnant (adjective): The state of being a vessel containing a Future Citizen; do not say “pregnant person”; no one who is a real person can get pregnant.
Queer: (entry not found)
Refugee: (noun) Someone who should have stayed put and waited for help to come.
Slavery: (noun) We didn’t invent it, or it wasn’t that bad, or it was a free job training program.
Supreme Court: (noun) Wonderful group of mostly men without whom no journey by private plane or yacht is complete.
Alexandra Petri: Supreme Court, consider justice sponsorship!
Trans: (entry not found)
United States: (noun) Perfect place, no notes.
Unfree: (adjective) The best way for thought and people to be.
