Damn! What would you do?

[SamSmith]

What would you all do if you're in your 30's and found out that the person you thought was your biological father all your life was really not?

That's the situation that went down with my friend last mth. He's never travelled and was hoping to do some travelling with a relative in the new yr. Now since he's never bothered before to get a passport he asked one of his parents to get his birth certificate. When he later went to pick it up they had to break the news to him since the name on it reflected a different last name than the one he's always had. Apperently his real father left when he was 2 or 3. His mother met the man who he thought was his father right after that and he helped her raise him. She even showed him his (real father's) picture. He's not in Canada now.

His mother's story is that he was a liar. That's it. When he got this new news he said the only family he knows is his famly end of story. The man that rasied him is his father end of story. They've had 3 other kids durng that time. So now they would be officialy "step siblings" and of course the man that rasied him his "step father". He's thought about this since and is wondering why he wasn't told sooner. Apperently some other family members (uncles) knew this all along as well. and one of the siblings might of found out during an argument some yrs ago between his parents but never said anything to him.

By the way, the parents he grew up have not been together for some yrs now.


What would you all do in his place?

 

[papasmerf]

Love the peope who love me, is what I would do. Why does this bother you?

 

[SamSmith]

I told him something similar. What's up with your stupid question?

 

[calloway]

Your "friend's" issue is strictly with his mother. But from what you've briefly told us his biological father has made no effort over the thirty years to contact his son.

Unless his mother wants to finally be honest and tell her son the entire story... the man that raised him was his real father. Perhaps the mother thought she was "protecting" her son... but at some stage of his life she should have told him and therefore preventing a government agency from breaking the news and thoroughly embarassing/shocking him.

 

[RTRD]

The truth is...

...he should have been told YEARS ago, even while he was still a child (in an age appropriate way), but ultimately it does not matter. His father may be a man he never knew, but his DAD is the man who raised him.

If I were in his shoes I would have an adult conversation with my mom and ask 1) Why was I not told sooner, 2) Why didn't "Dad" adopt me and 3) What were the reasons behind the break up between my mother and "father". However, she actually only owes him an answer to 1), and he might have to go to his Dad for 2).

Really, I'm moire curious how is it a person got to be in their 30's without a copy of their birth certificate or a passport....these are considered part of the collection of documents "we" all have as adults...

 

[Jade4u]

Sure it would be disturbing to learn the truth years later, but the fact remains he is still family in this case and the family was just raising him as such. He is still the mothers son and the mother may have felt that it is not a big deal as he is hers regardless and may have felt it would be more disturbing to discuss this with him in his younger years and may of felt there was no need to. She may of not wanted him to feel any different because in her heart he was no different to her than her other children. If it is the father that walked out many fathers walk out on their children all the time and this is how he should look at it. It is the real fathers loss not his. He grew up feeling his family was family. That should make him aware that he had the happiest childhood that his Mother could provide.

 

[Chivas Regal]

Sure it would be disturbing to learn the truth years later, but the fact remains he is still family in this case and the family was just raising him as such. He is still the mothers son and the mother may have felt that it is not a big deal as he is hers regardless and may have felt it would be more disturbing to discuss this with him in his younger years and may of felt there was no need to. She may of not wanted him to feel any different because in her heart he was no different to her than her other children. If it is the father that walked out many fathers walk out on their children all the time and this is how he should look at it. It is the real fathers loss not his. He grew up feeling his family was family. That should make him aware that he had the happiest childhood that his Mother could provide.

Touche!

 

[SamSmith]

Really, I'm moire curious how is it a person got to be in their 30's without a copy of their birth certificate or a passport....these are considered part of the collection of documents "we" all have as adults...

He's never travelled abroad so didn't have a need for those docs I guess. I'll add that while growing up in comparrison to the other (now "step") siblings, he was trated like a slave in the household. He was made to do most of the chores in and around the house while the others sat around doing nothing or watching tv etc.. He is older than the others and when he complained, he was always told to "just do it to set an example". Some joke that was. It made no difference. His now "step" father even compalined about it but his mother shut him down. The whole family usualy goes to him even now more than anyone else when they need help with something like moving or renovations etc. Even through they have 3 younger sons.

I guess he needs to talk to his mom.

 

[superman]

What would you all do if you're in your 30's and found out that the person you thought was your biological father all your life was really not?

That's the situation that went down with my friend last mth. He's never travelled and was hoping to do some travelling with a relative in the new yr. Now since he's never bothered before to get a passport he asked one of his parents to get his birth certificate. When he later went to pick it up they had to break the news to him since the name on it reflected a different last name than the one he's always had. Apperently his real father left when he was 2 or 3. His mother met the man who he thought was his father right after that and he helped her raise him. She even showed him his (real father's) picture. He's not in Canada now.

His mother's story is that he was a liar. That's it. When he got this new news he said the only family he knows is his famly end of story. The man that rasied him is his father end of story. They've had 3 other kids durng that time. So now they would be officialy "step siblings" and of course the man that rasied him his "step father". He's thought about this since and is wondering why he wasn't told sooner. Apperently some other family members (uncles) knew this all along as well. and one of the siblings might of found out during an argument some yrs ago between his parents but never said anything to him.

By the way, the parents he grew up have not been together for some yrs now.


What would you all do in his place?

id get drunk and goto a MP

 

[Hard Idle]

...
What would you all do in his place?

Track down the biological father and his family and attempt to learn any medical history that may be relevant to him some day. Might also try to find out if there are any half-sisters out there to avoid mating with.

Other than that, there isn't a whole lot he can "do" at this point - it was what it was, can't change what's already passed.

If the stepfather treated him well and equally with his own biological children, then he might consider himself lucky - certainly much luckier than most of the people I know who've had the step-parent experience in their childhood which messed them up for good.

He should have been told sooner. This was somewhat selfish of his mother and stepfather - no arguable benefit to your friend of holding back this info once he was an adult - they apparently put their own comfort level ahead of his right to know. That would slightly lower my opinion of both of them. But if he had a good home life with them, it shouldn't be a huge issues now. Just can't take mom's word at face value anymore.

 

[Hard Idle]

As for the biological father?

The mothers willingness to maintain the lie for so long might call into question the credibility of her side of the story regarding the father.

Even so, over 30 years that father certainly could have contacted his son and attempted to have some sort of relationship if he cared to. Obviously he didn't. So better off having nothing to do with that guy.

You can make a good case for keeping the secret while the boy was young, not wanting to create distractions and stress for him if all was going well. But once he got to his late Teens or early 20's, there would have been no reason not to inform him.

 

[C Dick]

I think that I would want to track down the biological father, not to neccessarily have a relationship with, but just to find out about his life. There are so many things that seem like free will, but that you find out that your parents are the same way - clearly there is a lot of behavior that has a genetic basis. So you could understand a lot about yourself by knowing your father, and then make your own decision about whether to attempt a relationship with him.

 

[SamSmith]

If the stepfather treated him well and equally with his own biological children, then he might consider himself lucky - certainly much luckier than most of the people I know who've had the step-parent experience in their childhood which messed them up for good.

As I've said earlier he was treated compared to his younger now "step"siblings" as the slave of the household while growing up. They made him or expected him to do the majority of the chores while growing up. One time while his mother was in the hospital for a few weeks and he was away out west at the same time, none of the dishes were washed the entire time he was away. It was like the family waited for him to come back and wash them. That said the father had been equaly harsh on all of them concerning what he wanted them to do. He was very condescending.



Yeah he should've been told sooner.

 

[bestillmehard]

I agree that he should have been told sooner but any man can be a father...it takes someone special to be a dad.

 

[Jade4u]

Well, that being said I am sure the Mother has the full name First, middle and last for his real father and if he so wishes he could go out and find him. But, becareful sometimes the grass on the other side of the fence is not so good. When I was younger I decided to go live with my real birth Mother and regret it till this day and will not be back in touch. My adoptive mother also got re-married and trust me not all step fathers are good. Could it be for financial reasons that his mother stayed with this step father? I am assuming seeing as she did not stay with his real father he was not paying any sort of support and why he was not coming around anymore. I am sure it is a long story and suggest he get the most information he can from his Mother before making any harsh decisions.

 

[trisket]

Can't blame him for being upset, the foundation of his life is based on a lie. I hope they were able to talk to him about it.

 

[Lochlan651]

I call bullshit.

Ok, fine he has not applied for a passport, but you need a birth certificate to get your driver's license, get a SIN card, get married, get a health care, etc.


So has this 30yr old never had a job, driven a car or had to go to the Doctor?

 

[SamSmith]

He works Lochlan. His mother gave him his birth certfificate and baptism papers. (Which was done a few yrs later) His last name was changed to the man that raised him on the latter. All his ID was under the latter name this whole time. The name he always thought was his birth one.

He got the full name of his birth father and was shown his picture as well the same time he was given the news.

 

[BallzDeep]

As I've said earlier he was treated compared to his younger now "step"siblings" as the slave of the household while growing up. They made him or expected him to do the majority of the chores while growing up. One time while his mother was in the hospital for a few weeks and he was away out west at the same time, none of the dishes were washed the entire time he was away. It was like the family waited for him to come back and wash them. That said the father had been equaly harsh on all of them concerning what he wanted them to do. He was very condescending.



Yeah he should've been told sooner.

Sounds like a Springer episode, probably some inbreeding going on anyway, maybe the dishes weren't done because the well in the trailor park was dry, ambitious family.

 

[SamSmith]

That was NOT funny Guy.