Classical Latin American JOKES (translated into english)

[Alien (<>..<>)]

I want to share the most classical jokes that have circulated in my country and Latin America in the last couple of years, translated from spanish into english by me or course.

THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT VISITS MEXICO

George Bush was to visit Mexico and the Mexican president said to his bodyguards: "The U.S. prez is coming here, but he wants to visit an indian aztec village, make sure you go there and clean up the town and educate those indian hillbillies a little bit, we want Bush to go back home with a good impression of our country". GW Bush arrives and is adamant at wanting to visit a rural indian town. So off they went. As the caravan of limousines approached the village GW Bush notices a man lying naked on his back in a grass field with his penis erected. Bush says "Holy shit, what's that?" The Mexican president is embarrased and tries to cover up the obscenity and says "Oh that? Here in this part of Mexico native indians live as they used to live 500 years ago, that guy is using the Sun to tell the time, he does that by measuring the length of the shadow of his penis". Bush is amazed and relieved. Then he sees another guy lying naked on the ground and with an erect penis, "That guy is also trying to figure out the time?" Bush asks. "Yes" says the Mex Prez. Then they pass another indian guy lying naked but masturbating. "What the fuck is THAT?!" asks Bush. The Mexican president says: "Oh...well.. that guy's watch has stopped and he is rewinding it"

 

[Alien (<>..<>)]

DRUNK AT A FUNERAL HOUSE

A totalled whacked drunk guy is walking along a sidewalk and suddenly sees a funeral in progress. He enters the funeral home and approaches the candles and coffin and starts to sing 'Happy birthdate to you, happy birthdate to you" and clapping his hands. The mournful are grossed out and the widow walks up to him and says "Excuse me señor, what kind of a creep are you clapping and whistling at my dead husband?" The drunk says "What? Dead husband?" The widow says "Yes dead husband, can't you see this is a funeral?".

The drunk guy says: "Shit man, I knew something was wrong, that fucken birthdate cake looked to big to be real".

DRUNK IN A PUBLIC BUS

A drunk enters a public bus packed with commuters and as he pays his fare at the front says "Fuck, I feel like throwing up", all the people push to the back of the bus immediately and the drunk says to them, "Now hold a minute shitheads, I said I felt like throwing up not throwing a penalty kick".

DRUNK INJUSTICE

A man robs a jewellery store and runs with the loot. Security guards give chase but the thief is able to run away, but then a drunk comes along and is wearing similar clothing, the guards grab him and bring him to the edge of a lake and say to him: "Where are the diamonds?" The drunk guy says "What the fuck are ya'll talking about?". The guards grab him by the hair and slump his head underwater and say to him: "Tell us where the fuck are the diamonds". The drunk guy says "I don't know!". The guards again slump his head underwater and ask "Where the fuck are the diamonds, tell us!". The drink says "I'm telling you I don't know!" The guards again dip his head in the water and yell "Tell us where the fuck are the diamonds".

The drunk finally says: "Listen you fuckwits, why don't you hire a fucken scuba driver, I can't see jackshit in this murky water".

DRUNK AND HIS WIFE

A drunks comes home at 1:00am in the morning and knocks on the door. His wife won't open it even when he has pleaded with her for 45 minutes. He then says: "I have the most beautiful flowers on my hands for the most beautiful woman in the planet". Upon hearing this the wife opens the door and sees that the drunk has no flowers and says "Where are my flowers?". The drunks says "Where is the beautiful woman?".

DRUNK BOXER

A drunk guy enters a cantina and asks for a beer. The bartender gives him the beer and the drunk starts to throw kicks and punches in the air pretending he was fighting a person. The drunk asks for another beer and as soon as he drinks it he starts to throw punches and kicks in the air. He orders 11 more beers. The bartender wants to be friendly and attempts to strike-up a conversation with the drunk and says "Hey champ, when is the fight going to start?"

The drunk responds: "Whenever you want mother fucker, I don't have money to pay for the beers" (!!!!!)