Maybe you should take some cooking lessons or find a girlfriend/boyfriend who can cook.
For example, here's a really simple cooking lesson for you:
1. Buy a turkey TV dinner
2. Follow the instructions
3. Eat when ready
A little more complicated:
1. Buy a turkey/chicken (if it frozen, you will have to thaw it)
2. Wash the thawed turkey and coat it with salt & pepper (other spices are welcomed such as sage, thyme & oregano)
3. Place it in a tray and cook for 2-4 hours in an oven at 375 degrees
4. If desired, boil some potato's and vegie's (in separate pots) to accompany the dinner
5. Buy a can of cranberry sauce and heat in a saucepan
6. Buy a can of chicken gravy and heat in a sauce pan
Foremost, purchase some nice wine and stay at home and have fun.