Childhood Sexual Abuse discussion

[janus]

This is one of those unpleasant things that never seems to be too far from our awareness. Every few weeks some ring of child pedophiles is busted, or a high profile offender gets a ridiculously light sentence, or some DDG female gets a disproportionate amount of media attention for her dalliances with her male students. Reactions are unvarying: frothing and foaming at the mouth, clucking of tongues, shaking of fingers, decrying the amorality of monsters, etc., etc. After a few days every offended person goes back to doing what he does best - ignoring the obvious and looking the other way.

What we never really hear much about is how the abused party is affected by the abuse. Media accounts might make reference to "destroyed lives" or some lurid details of the offense, but there's nothing of value that can be taken away from these accounts. The take away, really, is that all abused individuals are write offs, damaged people that ought to be swept to the side as they age and lose their childhood cuteness. I find that appalling. I believe there's a lot of untapped wisdom out there that the clamor for details and the phony outrage silences. I'd like to hear some of that wisdom.

I guess I'd like to hear about your experiences with abuse. I don't mean graphic details; that sort of thing doesn't help anybody and only provides fodder for the pervs out there. I want to know what challenges or obstacles your history of abuse has presented you. I want to know how you've dealt with those challenges. Have you overcome them or are you still struggling? Have you been able to develop some sort of evolving self concept, or does it crumble with each crisis in your life? Can you form relationships? Are you "there"? When you catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror or window do you know you are looking at you?

Maybe I won't get any responses at all. Shame can silence the most voluble people. But I think this is a good place for such a discussion. We're all anonymous here, after all.

I should note I'm looking particularly for male input. Not because women have nothing to say on the subject, of course. Women have plenty to say, and an easier time saying it than men. Men never talk about this shit. Men hold things inside, make themselves miserable, and make life miserable for everyone around them. So even though women out there can chime in, I'd really like to hear from the guys.

Disclosure: I have experienced abuse as a child. Somewhat regularly from 5-10; less regularly from 10-12; rarely, but perhaps in a more psychological way, until 16 or so. And I'm open to discussing any serious questions if you have them.

 

[janus]

No, no, no, I think the really brave people are the ones who come forward to confront their abusers/attackers - whatever the assault may be. The woman who wrote the Brock Turner letter. That's brave. And tough.

 

[janus]

I think it's important to discuss these things. Nobody wants to because it's unpleasant. Why does this shit happen? Why do people who are perfectly capable of healing and putting their trauma behind them fail to do so? Because they can't or won't talk. The stigma is strong and the stigma silences.

I also don't want to imply that if you don't confront your abuser you are some sort of coward, lacking completely in b**********y. That's not at all true. I wrestled with the decision for decades and for various reasons decided not to. The main reason was always fear, but I'm not a coward.

When, seven or eight years ago, I did make an honest effort to deal with my past, to talk about it, boy, what a disaster. Nobody, not even those closest to you, wants to hear this shit. Stigma and shame, they keep everyone locked up in their own little prison.

 

[janus]

We are very fortunate to have CAMH, a world-class facility, in our city. I am hoping that you have already sought professional help with this, but here is their contact info just in case:

http://www.camh.ca/en/hospital/visiting_camh/contact_us/Pages/default.aspx

Thanks, that's very thoughtful. I'm fine now though. I've got an abiding core of anger in me, but I'm fine. It's not eating me up from inside anymore. I've lost all I can possibly lose and now I'm free. And my abuser is dead while I'm enjoying life, rolling around on the mats, landing triangles at every opportunity.

But I'd still like to hear what other people have gone through as a result of childhood abuse. This just seemed like a good, safe place to do it. Meet-up groups on the other hand, don't get me started. Remember, the objective is not to rip the wounds open again; they took a long time to heal in the first place.

 

[|2 /-\ | /|/]

When I was a kid maybe 6-7 I witnessed my mother getting abused by my father. One time I had enough and developed such rage that I did not care if my father pounded me to the ground, I just wanted to go at him. I jumped on his back and started pounding on his head and back. He quickly stopped and never hit my mom after that again. He saw blood in my eyes I saw fear in his eyes. The same thing sometimes happens with German sheppards.

My point is that he stopped because of fear. Abusers abuse because they are cowards and are afraid.

I commed you for being brave and sharing your story. Stay strong, you have friends on here if you need support.

All abusers need to be stopped and destroyed. Many abusers are hiding as the sheep and pretending to attract more victims and thus are some of the most dangerous types.

I honestly hope you have the strength to help yourself and others. I don't have any examples of abuse on me, however you have my support and I commend you for sharing your message with us. Stay strong and hope you help others.

 

[clules]

When I was young I was "punished" by my family members. Now this has nothing to do with sexual abuse, but it was abuse just the same. One time I was beaten to the point I could not sit down. It is now 45 years later and I still remember the fear, shame, guilt and anger. I have come to realize that these feelings will never go away and they have had a major impact on my relationships with my loved ones.

I have a special place in my heart for those who survive and become stronger and those who don't and need help. I have other feelings for the abusers, some will take me straight to hell.

It is hard to do, but I try to live life with hope and love.

 

[IM469]

I think it's important to discuss these things. Nobody wants to because it's unpleasant. Why does this shit happen? Why do people who are perfectly capable of healing and putting their trauma behind them fail to do so? Because they can't or won't talk. The stigma is strong and the stigma silences.

I also don't want to imply that if you don't confront your abuser you are some sort of coward, lacking completely in b**********y. That's not at all true. I wrestled with the decision for decades and for various reasons decided not to. The main reason was always fear, but I'm not a coward.

When, seven or eight years ago, I did make an honest effort to deal with my past, to talk about it, boy, what a disaster. Nobody, not even those closest to you, wants to hear this shit. Stigma and shame, they keep everyone locked up in their own little prison.

My childhood friend was molested by a male cub-scout leader. A red flag missed by our parents, the guy was always giving us things and taking us on trips outside the cub scout meetings. One day my friend told me that he was unbuttoning his pants and putting his hand in his pants. The next time we saw the cub-scout leader, I help my friend put a few safety pins on his pants. Later my friend told me the leader got him alone - undid the pins - and gave him oral. We are about 11 and facing a bit of a dilemma. My friend did not want anyone to know and made me promise not to tell. What we did was to write a note that if he did not go way, we would call the police. We knew where the guy lived because he took us over to pick up something on one of his trips. The guy never showed up and years later I saw his picture in the Sun - he was convicted of molesting boys as a hockey coach. (Not the Maple Leaf guy).

I have lost track of my friend after high school but we never talked about his ordeal again. I think he viewed it like you crapped your pants. A bad experience that you prefer to forget.

 

[janus]

When I was a kid maybe 6-7 I witnessed my mother getting abused by my father. One time I had enough and developed such rage that I did not care if my father pounded me to the ground, I just wanted to go at him. I jumped on his back and started pounding on his head and back. He quickly stopped and never hit my mom after that again. He saw blood in my eyes I saw fear in his eyes. The same thing sometimes happens with German sheppards.

My point is that he stopped because of fear. Abusers abuse because they are cowards and are afraid.

I commed you for being brave and sharing your story. Stay strong, you have friends on here if you need support.

All abusers need to be stopped and destroyed. Many abusers are hiding as the sheep and pretending to attract more victims and thus are some of the most dangerous types.

I honestly hope you have the strength to help yourself and others. I don't have any examples of abuse on me, however you have my support and I commend you for sharing your message with us. Stay strong and hope you help others.

Exactly, abusers are cowards. You must stand up to them even at the risk of personal injury. Good for you for putting your dad in his place. My dad was the same way - I swear it's a Scottish working class thing, drinking and hitting your wife while everyone else carries on as if nothing is happening.

Thanks for the kind words of support, too.

 

[janus]

When I was young I was "punished" by my family members. Now this has nothing to do with sexual abuse, but it was abuse just the same. One time I was beaten to the point I could not sit down. It is now 45 years later and I still remember the fear, shame, guilt and anger. I have come to realize that these feelings will never go away and they have had a major impact on my relationships with my loved ones.

I have a special place in my heart for those who survive and become stronger and those who don't and need help. I have other feelings for the abusers, some will take me straight to hell.

It is hard to do, but I try to live life with hope and love.

But these things - fear, shame, anger - they can go away. To a large degree. It's not easy and it the healing process is not free from pain. I still have flare-ups, trust me. But I'm nothing like I was a decade ago. But yeah, it's tough. I still get angry that I'm not the person I could have been. I get angry that potential I had or abilities I had will never be realized. I get angry that I lost my childhood. I get frustrated when people ask me why I can't recall anything from childhood. I want to scream at them: there's nothing good to remember! But when I get angry I, more and more, remind myself that I can't do anything about all this loss. And letting the anger consume me is a victory for someone else, not me.

 

[bishop]

When it comes to trauma, people usually responds in 2 ways. The first way is to let it eat you up, you become bitter, and you take on the role of a predator. The other way is that you grow, your compassion and empathy increases, and you become galvaninzed to never do onto others as they have done onto you. The best of us become advocates for victims.

Innocence is overrated, the true mark of a good person is one that has fallen and gets back up as a better person.

 

[janus]

When it comes to trauma, people usually responds in 2 ways. The first way is to let it eat you up, you become bitter, and you take on the role of a predator. The other way is that you grow, your compassion and empathy increases, and you become galvaninzed to never do onto others as they have done onto you. The best of us become advocates for victims.

Innocence is overrated, the true mark of a good person is one that has fallen and gets back up as a better person.

I'm certainly no stranger to bitterness, but I've never been and never will be a predator. It's important to remember that while many men who abuse children have been abused themselves, not everyone who has been abused becomes an abuser. That's a popular misconception that drives me crazy.

Mainly, I became over time cold and distant until I had a sort of breakdown. I hope I have compassion and empathy. I hope I'm a decent guy. But that's probably for others to confirm.

 

[spankingman]

Iq I am a sex abuse victim/ SURVIVOUR from the 60's. Abused by a man I trusted and who was very well known in the community. My life from 1967 spiraled downward. From being a good student to repeating a couple grades, being expelled from 2 HS due to chronic absenteeism, fear and mistrust of males in an authoritative roles and more. There were no social agencies back then offered. My uncle who was a Police Officer told my parents (after they finally believed me) that the best thing was to "bury it" as it would be a 12 year olds word vs a pillar of society. The trial would be a nightmare for me.

I suffered severe flashbacks and still do to this day. They can be triggered by the least little mention of abuse. A story in the paper on the TV Radio etc. back in 2001-2002 with all the media hype about the Catholic Priest scandals here and in Boston, the Maple Leaf Gardens issues as well as a major scandal here in my city,I felt I could not hold it in any longer.
I went to the Police Station and named my abuser,had him arrested,charged and went to trial.

I had to relive EVERY GRAPHIC detail of what was done to me and what I had to do to him. I sometimes thought to myself did I do the right thing as it was taking its toll on me. I learned that he had PRIOR convictions for sexual assault dating back into the 70's 80's.
I was blessed with a Great support team of Police Detectives,Social Workers Victims Services people. I was in one on one therapy ,Group Therapy where I learned I was not alone, there were and are others who carry the shame the stigma the embarrassment . One of the guys was a Mount Cashel survivour. He didn't talk the whole six weeks.

The real eye opener was the LACK of support from the local Sexual Assault Center. It was female run and female mandated.
Only recently did they offer services to males. I've learned that young victims of sexual assault,abuse very often are very highly sexual in later years. Something that I can attest to. I now realize that I was a sex addict,trying to erase what had happened to me. Trying to fight off the " Am I gay" issues that develop from being assaulted by another male.

For those who have been sexually abused raped etc. there IS help out there. I won't bullshit you it is NOT easy coming forward. A lot of bad memories come flooding back. Your emotions are on a roller coaster. The night the story broke on the 600 news my Det. called and warned me I might not want to see it but it was too late. She ended up coming to our house with lights sirens and HELD me and told me it would be all right as I was a blubbering idiot She said thanks to me another "shatterer of souls" will be put away.

The trial was delayed 6 times over 1/12 years due to health and schedule conflict. He denied everything at first but when the witnesses were called and told their stories he changed his plea to guilty and was given 18 months.

Would I do it again YES in a heart beat! There is a line in my fav show M*A*S*H* I have used re: my abuse.

It is
"DONT LET THE BASTARD WIN!"
Well folks I didn't!

 

[|2 /-\ | /|/]

When it comes to trauma, people usually responds in 2 ways. The first way is to let it eat you up, you become bitter, and you take on the role of a predator. The other way is that you grow, your compassion and empathy increases, and you become galvaninzed to never do onto others as they have done onto you. The best of us become advocates for victims.

Innocence is overrated, the true mark of a good person is one that has fallen and gets back up as a better person.

Words are meaningless if there is no action behind them.

Just because you are a good person does not mean you should be taking shit from people or not stick up for the ones that may need it.

IMO diplomacy is always the preferred option, however sometimes you need to defend your kind and take action even if that means abusing the abuser or taking on a gunman and risking your life if you get that urge to do the greater good.

If you see a fight and you notice a bully is pounding the shit out of someone. Are you just going to stay and watch and say excuse mister can you please get off, are you going to call the cops and risk the victim getting further abused and injured, are you going to jump on the guy get him off or are you going to start pounding the abuser. Each option has its pros and cons, however all of the option listed do not make you a bad person even though you may get arrested for the last option.

Three types of people, sheep, wolf and sheep dog. People sometimes morph between the 3 and sometimes you get wolves straying and turn on their own kind...

 

[janus]

I am a sex abuse victim/ SURVIVOUR from the 60's. Abused by a man I trusted and who was very well known in the community. My life from 1967 spiraled downward. From being a good student to repeating a couple grades, being expelled from 2 HS due to chronic absenteeism, fear and mistrust of males in an authoritative roles and more. There were no social agencies back then offered. My uncle who was a Police Officer told my parents (after they finally believed me) that the best thing was to "bury it" as it would be a 12 year olds word vs a pillar of society. The trial would be a nightmare for me.

I suffered severe flashbacks and still do to this day. They can be triggered by the least little mention of abuse. A story in the paper on the TV Radio etc. back in 2001-2002 with all the media hype about the Catholic Priest scandals here and in Boston, the Maple Leaf Gardens issues as well as a major scandal here in my city,I felt I could not hold it in any longer.
I went to the Police Station and named my abuser,had him arrested,charged and went to trial.

I had to relive EVERY GRAPHIC detail of what was done to me and what I had to do to him. I sometimes thought to myself did I do the right thing as it was taking its toll on me. I learned that he had PRIOR convictions for sexual assault dating back into the 70's 80's.
I was blessed with a Great support team of Police Detectives,Social Workers Victims Services people. I was in one one therapy Group Therapy where I learned I was not alone, there were and are others who carry the shame the stigma the embarrassment . One of the guys was a Mount Cashel survivour. He didn't talk the whole six weeks.

The real eye opener was the LACK of support from the local Sexual Assault Center. It was female run and female mandated.
Only recently did they offer services to males. I've learned that young victims of sexual assault,abuse very often are very highly sexual in later years. Something that I can attest to. I now realize that I was a sex addict,trying to erase what had happened to me. Trying to fight off the " Am I gay" issues that develop from being assaulted by another male.

For those who have been sexually abused raped etc. there IS help out there. I won't bullshit you it is NOT easy coming forward. A lot of bad memories come flooding back. Your emotions are on a roller coaster. The night the story broke on the 600 news my Det. called and warned me I might not want to see it but it was too late. She ended up coming to our house with lights sirens and HELD me and to me it would be all right as I was a blubbering idiot She said thanks to me another "shatterer of souls" will be put away.

The trial was delayed 6 times of 1/12 years due to health and schedule conflict. He denied everything at first but when the witnesses were called and told their stories he changed his plea to guilty and was given 18 months.

Would I do it again YES in a heart beat! There is a line in my fav show M*A*S*H* I have used re: my abuse.

It is
"DONT LET THE BASTARD WIN!"
Well folks I didn't!

This is amazing spankingman! My admiration for your courage and toughness knows no bounds. I wish I could be half the man you are.

I love your post and will respond in more detailed fashion later tonight or tomorrow when I have more time.

Thank you.

 

[moustache mike]

You guys have been pretty brave to bring this up.... I've only spoken to 1 person about this... and it wasnt either
of my ex wives or girlfriends. It was an Atf mpa.... we were both having some rough times so we shared way to much personal info... but we trusted each other and it was good therapy.... hope this is too.. long time family friend who should have been trusted.. I guess I was 7 to 9 yrs old... but it ruined my trust in people for decades. . I truely believe karma is a bitch because his life spiralled into a real shit show for the 20 odd years I knew if his existance..sharing feelings isn't my strong point..... ask the ex's....

 

[janus]

All great posts guys! I want to respond to everyone and I'll do so in the next day or two.

 

[huckfinn]

It's important to remember that while many men who abuse children have been abused themselves, not everyone who has been abused becomes an abuser. That's a popular misconception that drives me crazy

The above is important to remember....

I was not abused, but a family member was, and it had a profound negative effect on him to this day. The abuser was charged and convicted etc.

A very close friend of mine was married to a paedophile. He would drug her tea on occasion and proceed to abuse their 2 boys. When she finally realized what was happening, she fled. To this day the boys have huge issues with relationships, and they have basically cut their mother out of their life....the one who saved them. Dad bought his way out of the situation.

I stated the above was important to remember, because I was a volunteer member of a board of directors for a home for youth, who were high risk because they had already offended, or were likely to offend due to abuse happening to them. Its really sad to see the impact on a lot of these boys, and it was fulfilling to see healing, and re-direction to help them keep from offending.

 

[bishop]

I'm certainly no stranger to bitterness, but I've never been and never will be a predator. It's important to remember that while many men who abuse children have been abused themselves, not everyone who has been abused becomes an abuser. That's a popular misconception that drives me crazy.

Mainly, I became over time cold and distant until I had a sort of breakdown. I hope I have compassion and empathy. I hope I'm a decent guy. But that's probably for others to confirm.

It is true that there is a significantly higher percentage of victims turning into predators themselves, but those types of people would have ruined their lives anyways because at the first taste of hardship or challenge they will buckle. Those types of people, if they get raped they want to become rapists, if they get robbed they want to become robbers. They are like tofu in a shit pie, they jsut soak up the shitty flavors and become no different than the shit itself.

 

[bishop]

Words are meaningless if there is no action behind them.

Just because you are a good person does not mean you should be taking shit from people or not stick up for the ones that may need it.

IMO diplomacy is always the preferred option, however sometimes you need to defend your kind and take action even if that means abusing the abuser or taking on a gunman and risking your life if you get that urge to do the greater good.

If you see a fight and you notice a bully is pounding the shit out of someone. Are you just going to stay and watch and say excuse mister can you please get off, are you going to call the cops and risk the victim getting further abused and injured, are you going to jump on the guy get him off or are you going to start pounding the abuser. Each option has its pros and cons, however all of the option listed do not make you a bad person even though you may get arrested for the last option.

Three types of people, sheep, wolf and sheep dog. People sometimes morph between the 3 and sometimes you get wolves straying and turn on their own kind...

People deal with things in their own way. So long as the pain does not fester and turn you into a predator then you have time to digest the past and use your morals/logic/reason to dictate your future actions.

I have had my share of bad situations and bad luck, mentally I know what I should do, but for many things I do not take action on because I quite frankly am a bit too thin skinned. I still have another half of my life to put my convictions into actions, and hopefully one day I will do that. But for now, I am ok with not treating others like I was treated.

 

[|2 /-\ | /|/]

People deal with things in their own way. So long as the pain does not fester and turn you into a predator then you have time to digest the past and use your morals/logic/reason to dictate your future actions.

I have had my share of bad situations and bad luck, mentally I know what I should do, but for many things I do not take action on because I quite frankly am a bit too thin skinned. I still have another half of my life to put my convictions into actions, and hopefully one day I will do that. But for now, I am ok with not treating others like I was treated.

You should never treat others the way you were treated IMO good or bad.

Know who you are at the core and stay true to it. Sometimes this is easier said then done, I understand this. We all stray from our core self, however I think it is important to fight the influence of people who stray you from your core.

I also think it is importantnot to NOT look away if you see someone getting harassed, bullied abused etc... I think it is important to support victims of abuse. They are the brave ones. Not everyone is the same. Not everyone has a choice.

I commend the people coming out and hope they have the power to stay strong to share their message and fight against all forms of abuse. Just spreading their message does something for awareness, education and helps us empathize with abuse victims.

To the other points mentioned about victims of abuse becoming abusers, we are NOT accusing anyone on here being a sheep wolf becuase they got abused. I think the message is we know they exist and will be hunted down either directly or indirectly now or 15 years from now. I think if you consider yourself a good person, you should do your part to take down the wolf and the abusers of ALL forms even if they are hiding as victims or this is hiding inside you. Even spreading a messgae helps. However I think it is important not to accuse and lable. If you are wrong I think the consequences to your core are severe and you risk becoming the abuser, thus it is important to be sure before you act.


I agree that LOVE is more powerful then hate and should always be an option investigated. However sometimes people think becuase you show them love and support they are entitled to take advantage and abuse you. This is where I beleive we need to take the appropriate proactive measure.

I think if our goals are the same to take down abusers stop all forms of abuse and harassment, we should look at all forms of abusers even the ones hiding as victims as some of these types can be very intricate and destructive especially if posing as victim to lower the true victims guard down only gain trust to tame manipulate and abuse even more to the nth degree. Lets face the truth some of these people spend decades perfecting their so called art of abuse. However we also need to be careful not to undermine and further victimized the victims, but support them and learn from their voice, their experience and their message.