a simpler version of. "why did your marriage fall apart" thread

[keepmovingforward]

so after reading the many postings i figured i'd post a simpler version that is my about my current situation. i'm a young guy and my issues may not be up to par or as complicated as some. but i figured, everyone's problem is their biggest problem because it is what life has given them so far.

i basically started dating this girl about a year ago and she wa s avery nice girl. there isn't anything really wrong with her except we don't click as well as we should and i just dont see a future with her. our 1 yr is this weekend. yes it really did drag out so long. i've never said the words "i love you" nor has she. i've spoke about how i felt about this about 3 months ago and maybe 4 months before that. but she asked to keep trying. she's such a nice girl but at the same time, i dont feel i should waste my time and money. i recently started my career and i do want to focus on it.

obviously everyone around me is saying, don't waste your time and just break it off. its not like its not how i feel. but i guess its because i just dont want to hurt her because she has done nothing wrong.

i guess i should just grow some balls and do it.

any thoughts?

 

[Kya_Jean]

so after reading the many postings i figured i'd post a simpler version that is my about my current situation. i'm a young guy and my issues may not be up to par or as complicated as some. but i figured, everyone's problem is their biggest problem because it is what life has given them so far.

i basically started dating this girl about a year ago and she wa s avery nice girl. there isn't anything really wrong with her except we don't click as well as we should and i just dont see a future with her. our 1 yr is this weekend. yes it really did drag out so long. i've never said the words "i love you" nor has she. i've spoke about how i felt about this about 3 months ago and maybe 4 months before that. but she asked to keep trying. she's such a nice girl but at the same time, i dont feel i should waste my time and money. i recently started my career and i do want to focus on it.

obviously everyone around me is saying, don't waste your time and just break it off. its not like its not how i feel. but i guess its because i just dont want to hurt her because she has done nothing wrong.

i guess i should just grow some balls and do it.

any thoughts?

If you don't want to be with her, then don't but it sounds to me that you like her enough to keep her around and that she is just filler in your life until you meet someone else. Which is not wrong as long as she knows that this relationship is not going to grow past where it is at now. You don't need to tell her she is filler, or be rude about it, but as long as she knows that IF she wants something more, she should start looking somewhere else.

 

[moresex4me]

Dude, break up. It's not fair to you or her to drag out a relationship that's going no where, and sounds like she's the opposite of a commitment-phobe... she's a single-phobe.

Cut it off, clean and simple, and don't stay in contact because that will just prolong it. Maybe after you haven't seen or talked to her for a few months, but clean break, my friend, is the best break.

 

[a 1 player]

Dude, break up. It's not fair to you or her to drag out a relationship that's going no where, and sounds like she's the opposite of a commitment-phobe... she's a single-phobe.

Cut it off, clean and simple, and don't stay in contact because that will just prolong it. Maybe after you haven't seen or talked to her for a few months, but clean break, my friend, is the best break.

I agree. In a relationship one needs to be happy, if you are not happy and in love, you are wasting both of your time.

 

[Kya_Jean]

I agree. In a relationship one needs to be happy, if you are not happy and in love, you are wasting both of your time.

Not always the case, so I am sorry but I have to disagree. Sometimes a relationship is just filler. Something to pass a couple of years until you are ready for a full commitment. This is where people get mixed up and do things because they think it is what "normal" people do. Just look at all the people who got married because they were together for 2 years or more.

I have been dating someone for 15 months. We have never said I love you because we don't love each other. To everyone in the outside world, you would think that we are a normal couple, but we will never be in a serious relationship with each because we are not matched that way. We click, but not for sharing a life together. I am working on things in my life that make it so I can not commit to a relationship and since I take commitment very seriously, if I can not preform my share of the relationship, then I am not getting into one. So he is just filler for me right now and he knows it. He is fine with it because I am the same for him. He is separated but not divorced yet. Has things he needs to do in his life. Doesn't even know if he wants a full time committed relationship. So it works.

The same can happen here. Unless she has expressed interest in making this a serious, committed, life long type relationship, then there is no reason to end it just yet.

 

[a 1 player]

Not always the case, so I am sorry but I have to disagree. Sometimes a relationship is just filler. Something to pass a couple of years until you are ready for a full commitment. This is where people get mixed up and do things because they think it is what "normal" people do. Just look at all the people who got married because they were together for 2 years or more.

I have been dating someone for 15 months. We have never said I love you because we don't love each other. To everyone in the outside world, you would think that we are a normal couple, but we will never be in a serious relationship with each because we are not matched that way. We click, but not for sharing a life together. I am working on things in my life that make it so I can not commit to a relationship and since I take commitment very seriously, if I can not preform my share of the relationship, then I am not getting into one. So he is just filler for me right now and he knows it. He is fine with it because I am the same for him. He is separated but not divorced yet. Has things he needs to do in his life. Doesn't even know if he wants a fully time committed relationship. So it works.

The same can happen here. Unless she has expressed interested in making this a serious, committed, life long type relationship, then there is no reason to end it just yet.

I stand corrected, you are right. This can well work, and I have done it myself. I must be posting with sleep still in my eyes.

 

[moresex4me]

Not always the case, so I am sorry but I have to disagree. Sometimes a relationship is just filler. Something to pass a couple of years until you are ready for a full commitment. This is where people get mixed up and do things because they think it is what "normal" people do. Just look at all the people who got married because they were together for 2 years or more.

I have been dating someone for 15 months. We have never said I love you because we don't love each other. To everyone in the outside world, you would think that we are a normal couple, but we will never be in a serious relationship with each because we are not matched that way. We click, but not for sharing a life together. I am working on things in my life that make it so I can not commit to a relationship and since I take commitment very seriously, if I can not preform my share of the relationship, then I am not getting into one. So he is just filler for me right now and he knows it. He is fine with it because I am the same for him. He is separated but not divorced yet. Has things he needs to do in his life. Doesn't even know if he wants a full time committed relationship. So it works.

The same can happen here. Unless she has expressed interest in making this a serious, committed, life long type relationship, then there is no reason to end it just yet.

Only works if both parties truly feel that way, and I would say that is a minority of situations. In fact, I would say many women will pretend that's how the feel, thinking they'll change the guy's mind eventually.

This does not sound like a "filler" type relationship, so make the break clean.

 

[genintoronto]

I agree with Kya_Jean that there's nothing wrong with dating someone without wanting to want to commit to a more engaged relationship with them. As long as the other person is aware of where they stand and is OK with that.

However, I would be very careful to make sure that the other person IS indeed OK with being a filler (of course, no need to phrase it that way to them). I think it's a very fine line to walk, especially when the non-relationship last for a certain period of time. Often, people will agree to stick in this kind of relationship in hope that it will develop into something more, even if it has been said very clearly that it won't. It's stupid, but we often make stupid decision out of love. So, I would make sure that this girl isn't agreeing to this non-commited relationship out of hope that it will eventually transformed into a more committed one.

That being said, it sounds to me like the OP is still dating this girl not as a "filler", but rather, in his own words, because he doesn't want to hurt her. If this is the only reason why the OP is staying with her, then my response to this is: be a man about it, and break it off. Nobody wants to be with someone out of pity. Yes, she might be hurt. And yes, you will be the cause of it. Yes, it will probably make you feel like shit. But she'll survive, and so will you, and life will carry on.

One thing I have learned in my past relationships is that most of the time, we end up doing more hurt by trying to avoid it and dragging it.

 

[Aardvark154]

Soulsphere, I don't know you nor the situation. My one piece of advise, is if there really are difficulties with your relationship, don't make the assumption that "of course we make it better" or "she'll change".

However, at the same time don't assume that there is somewhere out there a "perfect" relationship, and because this relationship isn't perfect I should move on. There isn't a relationship in the world that doesn't have it's rough patches.

The problem is knowing the difference between the above, and it is not always easy.

 

[Danolo]

Do both of you a favour... let it go.

Just be honest with her and tell her how you feel.

 

[Dewalt]

Use her as bait to catch someone hotter. The moment you become single you lose an attractive quality to other women. Women want someone that some other girl has already taken a chance on and want to climb the social heirarchy. They can do that if they "steal" you away from her.

Cold but true...

 

[fernie]

End the relationship. Healthier for both of you.

I suggest you wait a few weeks until after the 1 year anniversary. And don't break up with her by email or text.

Be warned that you will be tempted to get back with her as you have developed a routine. You will be tempted to call her to be your date at the next wedding you are invited to. Or you mayu be tempted to call her when you're drunk and horny. Old habits die hard. I suggest you find a person to fuck soon after ending this relationsip so you break it off.

And who knows, maybe after you end it and play around for a few years you will realize she is exactly what you wanted all along. Regrets suck.

Fernie

 

[Kya_Jean]

And who knows, maybe after you end it and play around for a few years you will realize she is exactly what you wanted all along. Regrets suck.

Fernie

LMAO! I love when this happens. Just before x-mas this past year, an ex from about 8 years ago called me up out of the blue. Was actually stilling in my parking lot and wanted to talk. Went on about how he missed me, should have married me. His marriage now sucks, has 2 beautiful little girls, but hates the wife. Wants to leave her but not the kids.

I was polite for the most part, but had to laugh after he left. He has tried to call me since, even just the past week, but I don't bother answering the phone.

The father of my kids has some regrets as well just recently brought up. And I found out from my step father just last month that my high-school sweet heart went to see him. Talked with him for bit, looking to get in touch with me. I just have to laugh.

 

[einar]

She's such a nice girl but at the same time, i dont feel i should waste my time and money.

Relationships where you have to try are the doomed ones, in my experience. They either work or they don't. Or put another way, you naturally care about the other person enough that you find your way easily as a couple.

If you describe your relationship in terms of your wasted time and money, let us hope this young woman comes to her senses and seeks better options for herself. Maybe you are both too young for a relationship.