The art of approaching women

Big Rig · Jun 29, 2026

I asked a follow up question and deep seek gave another great answer

if she is not expressing interest then me expressing interest is an annoyance to her?

To give you the brutally honest, unfiltered truth: Yes, it can be an annoyance—but not for the reason you probably think.
Here is the critical distinction that will save you a lot of mental anguish:
It is NOT an annoyance because you are ugly, unworthy, or awkward.
She is not annoyed by your existence.
It IS an annoyance when:

You don't take the "no" gracefully. The actual annoyance isn't the initial approach; it's the aftermath. If you hesitate, ask "Why not?", try to bargain, or stand there looking wounded, you are now forcing her to do emotional labor. You are making her manage your feelings on top of rejecting you. That is what annoys her.
You approached her in a trapped setting. If she is at work, at the gym with headphones in, reading a book, or walking to her car, your interest feels like an interruption to her safety and routine. In those moments, even a polite approach can be a nuisance because she didn't opt into social interaction.
You linger. Once she gives a polite brush-off ("I have a boyfriend" or "I'm not looking"), the respectful move is to smile, say "Have a good one," and walk away immediately. If you keep talking, you have officially crossed into annoyance territory.

Now, here is the part that will change your perspective:
Expressing interest, by itself, is not inherently annoying to most women.
In fact, if you do it respectfully—brief, confident, zero pressure—a woman who isn't interested will usually feel a split-second flash of flattery before she moves on with her day. You become a 10-second blip in her memory, not an annoyance.
Why? Because you didn't make it her problem. You took the risk, you shot your shot, you respected her space, and you left. That actually leaves a positive impression of you, even though you got rejected.
Your real takeaway:
Your job when expressing interest is not to guarantee she says yes (you can't control that). Your job is simply to make your interest as easy for her to decline as it is to accept.
If you do that—one clear statement, a smile, and an instant, cheerful exit when she hesitates—then even if she isn't interested, she will think, "That guy was respectful." And that is a win for your own self-respect, regardless of the outcome.
So the next time you get a rejection, don't stress about whether you annoyed her. Stress only about whether you left the interaction immediately and cheerfully. If you did that, you nailed it. Her disinterest is her business; your dignity is yours.

Big Rig · Jun 29, 2026

I asked AI why someone unavailable seems more attractive

a classic psychological paradox, and it happens for several well-documented reasons. Here’s why unavailability often fuels attraction:
1. The Scarcity Principle
We naturally place higher value on things that are hard to get. If someone is unavailable (emotionally, physically, or already taken), your brain subconsciously thinks, "If they're this hard to reach, they must be highly desirable." It’s the same reason limited-edition items sell out instantly.
2. Reactance Theory (The "Forbidden Fruit" Effect)
When something feels restricted or off-limits, we instinctively want to rebel against that barrier. Knowing you can't have someone makes you want them even more simply to reclaim your sense of freedom and choice. The obstacles make the goal feel more urgent.
3. Idealization and Fantasy
When you can't actually have someone, you don't get to see their mundane habits, flaws, or bad moods. Instead, your mind fills in the blanks with an idealized version of them. It’s a fantasy where they are perfect, and fantasies are almost always more exciting than messy, everyday reality.
4. Dopamine and Intermittent Reinforcement
Unavailable people often give mixed signals—sometimes warm, sometimes distant. This unpredictability triggers a dopamine rush in your brain, similar to a slot machine. The uncertainty keeps you hooked because you're always waiting for that next little "reward" of their attention.
5. The "Chase" and Ego
Mild rejection or distance can trigger your competitive drive. Winning over someone who is hard to get feels like a massive ego boost—it validates your own worth. If they simply said "yes" right away, there's no challenge, and the victory feels less sweet.
6. Anxious Attachment Patterns
If you have an anxious attachment style, you might subconsciously confuse emotional unavailability with intensity. A unavailable person triggers your anxiety, which your brain misinterprets as "passion" or "chemistry," making you chase them even harder.
The ironic twist:
If that person suddenly became completely available, the attraction often drops immediately. Once the mystery, challenge, and fantasy disappear, you're left with a real person—and real people can't compete with the perfect version you created in your head.
In short: attraction thrives in gaps, not in certainty.

Is this unavailable woman actually amazing, or is she just a safe target for your desire because you already know she won't say yes—so you don't have to face the vulnerability of a real "yes" from someone available?

The cure for desiring the unavailable is cutting contact and redirecting your attention to women who are actually single, present, and showing you clear signs of interest. That is where real connection lives.

timdaty · Jun 29, 2026

Simple - Be good looking

261252 · Jun 30, 2026

Using Big Rigs idea of asking AI about women relationship issues I asked copilot about my problem
of wanting the unobtainable women then when they become obtainable I no longer desire them

The short answer: this pattern usually isn’t about the women — it’s about what becomes activated in you when someone feels out of reach, and what shuts down when real intimacy becomes possible.

You’re likely experiencing a mix of attachment anxiety and avoidant tendencies at the same time — a very common pairing.

When someone seems “unattainable,” several things happen internally:

Idealization — You project fantasies, possibilities, and imagined traits onto them. You’re attracted to the story, not the person.
Pursuit reward — The chase triggers dopamine. It feels exciting, energizing, validating.
Distance safety — Because they’re not actually available, you don’t have to risk vulnerability, rejection, or being truly seen.

But when they become available:
- The fantasy collapses.
- Real intimacy requires emotional presence.
- Your nervous system shifts from excitement to threat detection.
- Desire drops because the “safe distance” is gone.
This is not a moral failing. It’s a predictable psychological loop.

Three common underlying drivers:
- Fear of intimacy — Being wanted can feel uncomfortable or even suffocating.
- Fear of being known — When someone gets close, you can’t hide imperfections or insecurities.
- Self-worth conflict — If part of you believes you’re not enough, desire shuts down when someone chooses you.
These patterns often form early — long before adult relationships

You can stop idealizing crushes, but you have to interrupt the psychological sequence that makes idealization happen in the first place. Idealization isn’t a random habit — it’s a protective strategy your mind uses when someone feels emotionally distant, mysterious, or hard to get close to.
Below is a clear, structured guide you can actually follow. It focuses on the relationship between you and your own imagination, not the other person.

A practical, step‑by‑step way to stop idealizing crushes
01

Name the Fantasy
Reflect
Idealization grows when your mind fills in blanks with imagined traits.
- Write down exactly what you think this person is like
- Circle anything you haven’t actually seen them do
- Notice how much of your attraction is built on assumptions
02

Ground Yourself in Reality
Stabilize
Shift from imagined traits to observable behavior.
- List only what you know from direct interaction
- Ask yourself: What have they shown consistently?
- Compare this list to the fantasy list to see the gap
03

Slow Down the Projection
Sensitive
Projection happens when you attach your desires to someone who hasn’t earned them.
- Notice when you’re imagining how they’d treat you
- Replace the thought with: “I don’t know yet.”
- Keep your expectations neutral until you see real evidence
04

Increase Real Interaction
Key Move
Idealization collapses when you get real data from real conversations.
- Talk to them more often in normal, low‑stakes ways
- Pay attention to how you feel after each interaction
- Ask yourself: Do I like them, or do I like the idea of them?
05

Watch for the Dopamine Spike
Awareness
The chase itself can be addictive and mistaken for attraction.
- Notice when you feel a rush from uncertainty or distance
- Ask: Would I still feel this if they were fully available?
- Track moments when excitement fades once they show interest
06

Shift Attraction Criteria
Rebuild
You reduce idealization by valuing real compatibility over fantasy.
- Define 3–5 traits you want that must be observable
- Use these as your filter instead of mystery or intensity
- Revisit the list whenever you feel yourself drifting into fantasy
Why this works
Idealization is strongest when:
- You don’t know the person well
- You’re projecting your needs onto them
- You’re chasing the feeling of possibility
- You’re avoiding the vulnerability of real intimacy
This guide breaks those loops by grounding you in observable reality and slowing down the fantasy machinery.

If you want to go deeper
We can explore whichever part of the pattern feels most true for you:
- fear of intimacy
- dopamine chasing
- projection
- self-worth conflicts
Which part of idealization feels hardest for you to interrupt?

xix · Jul 5, 2026

I saw this comment in youtube

@rotcaka
1 year ago
Step one: Turn off phone
Step two: engage in hobbies/ interests
Step three: commune with people who are also interested in your interests
Step four: engage in conversations with people of opposite sex without any expectation of outcome Rinse and Repeat until you've reconditioned yourself to appreciate community over the values which social media and pop culture has pushed on us.

source of video

INCELS ARE NOT REAL. Does she have a point?

Bekijk je favoriete video's, luister naar de muziek die je leuk vindt, upload originele content en deel alles met vrienden, familie en anderen op YouTube.

www.youtube.com

Mandala · Jul 29, 2026

Just say hello with soft eye contact non lustful look or thoughts and relaxed body
If she seems good then follow up with "you seem to have a nice vib " then introduce yourself

you are really telling her, in this soft approach , that you are normal, you are not pushing her and are giving her space, you are not objectifying

whether she responds the way you want is by chance and it is not a rejection of you

if you want to reduce rejection only approach when signals are clear usually after you have seen each other a few times but that reduces your choices to a few % of the women you see that interest you

Does that sound right?

Big Rig · Jul 31, 2026

If a woman met a guy at a bar etc then when asked how they met I suspect she will make up a story

Mandala · Jul 31, 2026

Big Rig said:
If a woman met a guy at a bar etc then when asked how they met I suspect she will make up a story

That is a good point. You have to dissolve the invisible wall of social validation of who you are so you need low pressure tactic. That is assuming she is interested in breaking the wall which she probably is not so you watch for signals

Why "How Did You Meet?" Is a Really Important Question | Psychology Today

SlitherBeth · Jul 31, 2026

I'm a little weirded out by all the advice people are posting that they got from Claude, Copilot and ChatGPT; I think women themselves are a much better source of advice than any robot!

My all-time absolute favorite pickup line is "may I join you?" It's gentle, polite, gives you the option to decline (if you're expecting someone, or just aren't in the mood to chat), and makes it seem like the fellow who approached you wants to start an actual conversation. When I'm approaching someone I want to chat up and eventually have sex with (which usually happens in a space that's explicitly for that, like at a lifestyle resort or a sex club), my ice breaker is usually the thing about them that made me want to talk to them in the first place. If I find someone attractive there's usually a specific thing about them that caught my eye, and I'll start the conversation talking about that: like their intricate tattoos, or an interesting piece of jewelry, or a joke I heard them make, or how much passion they brought to the kink scene they were in.

I read a piece of advice online that really made me think: when it comes to dating women, men aren't competing against each other, they're actually competing against the pleasure of a woman's own solitude. I would strongly recommend against approaching a woman who's very visibly busy or engrossed in her own thoughts (wearing headphones, reading a book, in conversation with another person, eating a meal). If you interrupt her activity or train of thought, she'll find you intrusive and you'll be off to a bad start already.

There are lots of things about men that are attractive to women, and beauty standards are almost completely useless in trying to anticipate what women like. Personality counts for so SO much; if you're kind, genuine and confident, someone will like you and connect with you despite what you think of as physical flaws. The only thing that unequivocally makes someone unattractive in my opinion is if they're a rude, mean jerk. (And if they smell bad. That's the other huge turnoff!)

If you'd like some fragrance recommendations, Tom Ford and Davidoff make really lovely scents for men that are warm and woodsy, and clean and fresh respectively. Tom Ford in particular is a little on the pricy side, but a little goes a long way (don't overdo it!) and you can get really small sample bottles from Sephora if you want to experiment finding your signature cologne.

Mandala · Jul 31, 2026

SlitherBeth said:
I'm a little weirded out by all the advice people are posting that they got from Claude, Copilot and ChatGPT; I think women themselves are a much better source of advice than any robot!

My all-time absolute favorite pickup line is "may I join you?" It's gentle, polite, gives you the option to decline (if you're expecting someone, or just aren't in the mood to chat), and makes it seem like the fellow who approached you wants to start an actual conversation. When I'm approaching someone I want to chat up and eventually have sex with (which usually happens in a space that's explicitly for that, like at a lifestyle resort or a sex club), my ice breaker is usually the thing about them that made me want to talk to them in the first place. If I find someone attractive there's usually a specific thing about them that caught my eye, and I'll start the conversation talking about that: like their intricate tattoos, or an interesting piece of jewelry, or a joke I heard them make, or how much passion they brought to the kink scene they were in.

I read a piece of advice online that really made me think: when it comes to dating women, men aren't competing against each other, they're actually competing against the pleasure of a woman's own solitude. I would strongly recommend against approaching a woman who's very visibly busy or engrossed in her own thoughts (wearing headphones, reading a book, in conversation with another person, eating a meal). If you interrupt her activity or train of thought, she'll find you intrusive and you'll be off to a bad start already.

There are lots of things about men that are attractive to women, and beauty standards are almost completely useless in trying to anticipate what women like. Personality counts for so SO much; if you're kind, genuine and confident, someone will like you and connect with you despite what you think of as physical flaws. The only thing that unequivocally makes someone unattractive in my opinion is if they're a rude, mean jerk. (And if they smell bad. That's the other huge turnoff!)

If you'd like some fragrance recommendations, Tom Ford and Davidoff make really lovely scents for men that are warm and woodsy, and clean and fresh respectively. Tom Ford in particular is a little on the pricy side, but a little goes a long way (don't overdo it!) and you can get really small sample bottles from Sephora if you want to experiment finding your signature cologne.

I like the woodsy smell of some colognes. It reminds me of a campfire. You can also put essential oils on your clothing like cedarwood or cinnamon as some people are allergic to cologne but do not put it on your skin as it can cause rash.

A lifestyle resort is a social place where you are expected to socialize and that is different than just meeting them randomly so "may I join you" is very acceptable but
still a risk and would seem intrusive without an inviting signal elsewhere.

I was at tantra weekend ,where a woman just gave me a very friendly smile, that she would not have done elsewhere , so I introduced myself as I thought if she was with someone she would not have given me the opening. She understood that I needed the signal, not because I was shy, but because I was polite. She was also taking a risk with such an open signal as I could reject her. We ended up going to the various seminars together. One was how to pleasure breasts. Everyone got topless or nude. It was my first time so I was in shock how quickly cloths came off. The rule was nothing below the belt for this seminar. There was a separate orgy dome seminar for that.

We were put in groups and used whip cream and told how to lick it off. Women were licking each other and I had two licking me.

I found it liberating and beautiful. How about you?

Zoot Allures · Aug 3, 2026

I got an analogy about approaching women or anyone for that matter

In theatre there is something called breaking the fourth wall. That is when actors do something they are not supposed to which is talk to the audience.

We build this same fourth wall around ourselves

Sometimes we are supposed to talk to each other then sometimes we are not

Sometimes the wall is thick such as talking to strangers who are busy

then sometimes it is no wall such as greeting a friend

The wall has varying degrees of thickness

At a park it is thin but walking a busy street it is thick

My analogy is an excellent understanding of social interactions

Once you see the wall you can break it like actors do

The world is simply a stage and we are all actors playing a part

SlitherBeth · Aug 3, 2026

Mandala said:
I like the woodsy smell of some colognes. It reminds me of a campfire. You can also put essential oils on your clothing like cedarwood or cinnamon as some people are allergic to cologne but do not put it on your skin as it can cause rash.

A lifestyle resort is a social place where you are expected to socialize and that is different than just meeting them randomly so "may I join you" is very acceptable but
still a risk and would seem intrusive without an inviting signal elsewhere.

I was at tantra weekend ,where a woman just gave me a very friendly smile, that she would not have done elsewhere , so I introduced myself as I thought if she was with someone she would not have given me the opening. She understood that I needed the signal, not because I was shy, but because I was polite. She was also taking a risk with such an open signal as I could reject her. We ended up going to the various seminars together. One was how to pleasure breasts. Everyone got topless or nude. It was my first time so I was in shock how quickly cloths came off. The rule was nothing below the belt for this seminar. There was a separate orgy dome seminar for that.

We were put in groups and used whip cream and told how to lick it off. Women were licking each other and I had two licking me.

I found it liberating and beautiful. How about you?

I'm a little neurodivergent, and sometimes I struggle to read (and cast) those nonverbal social cues - which is one of the reasons I love "may I join you?" so much. It's low-stages enough that no matter what the context, it's a polite request of "is now a good time/space to strike up a conversation?" Which is really handy if you're worried about being creepy or awkward.

inmyname · Aug 10, 2026

MatureMan said:
I’m my experience, confidence, security in one’s self and a smile go a long way. It also doesn’t hurt that I’m 6’+. LOL. Women feel your energy , so make sure it’s good. That goes for civi society and paid encounters.

Sigh, I always want to make a move and start up a conversation but I'm never sure what to say beyond "hello" or "how's your day going?" Or "this line is long ain't it?".

I mean, even if I can fake the confidence, I've got to say *something*

Zoot Allures · Aug 10, 2026

inmyname said:
Sigh, I always want to make a move and start up a conversation but I'm never sure what to say beyond "hello" or "how's your day going?" Or "this line is long ain't it?".

I mean, even if I can fake the confidence, I've got to say *something*

I used to be like you but I have changed

It is difficult to get strangers to be friendly when there is no strong social reason

Just say casual hello with confidence

in her head she is wondering why did you say hello

if she has zero interest you have invested nothing

Be prepared not with pick up lines but conversation starters.

Remember you are not the court jester whose job it is to entertain

This weekend I stopped at the street festival and met a female by doing just what I suggested

I asked her to walk around with me after a friendly chat so she did. She was not a model but getting a phone number from a model was not my goal. She was just a nice friendly person by herself, I thought , until she met up with some friends so I thanked her and said goodbye after she insisted on taking my photo with her

inmyname · Aug 10, 2026

Zoot Allures said:
It is difficult to get strangers to be friendly when there is no strong social reason

Just say casual hello with confidence

in her head she is wondering why did you say hello

if she has zero interest you have invested nothing

Be prepared not with pick up lines but conversation starters

Right, but what about after the "hello"?

Zoot Allures · Aug 10, 2026

inmyname said:
Right, but what about after the "hello"?

I suggested having some lines memorized, not pick up lines but conversational lines if she seems happy to talk

Make them the open ended kind that begs for a conversation

At a coffee shop - Are you getting something new today or do you need a second opinion?

She is wearing something interesting -- Is there a story behind that sweater its a great find?

She laughed while surfing on her phone - Something was interesting on the net I wonder if I could order it?

After a couple of one liners and it is going well volunteer your name but do not ask her for her name let her volunteer it if she does you are doing well

GIVE SOME EXAMPLES WHERE YOU STRUGGLE
TO GET ANY SKILL DOWN YOU NEED TO PRACTISE

Mandala · Aug 11, 2026

I am not an expert on attraction. Lots of "experts" on the net.

But, my life experience is that I can never tell who may be interested in me and who is not with casual observation. It can be very surprising as my ability to read someone without interaction is broken. Women I thought would not be interested may be interested after I interact with them. Maybe not. Sometimes just noticing them is all that is needed.

inmyname · Aug 11, 2026

Mandala said:
My life experience is that you can never tell who may be interested in you and who is not with casual observation. It can be very surprising.

So what do you do?

Mandala · Aug 11, 2026

My thoughts are you are overthinking this but you want an example of what I do so this is what I might do if I am not interrupting :

I think of her as a friend and just say hello as this is not an audition. If something witty pops into my head, I'll use it. If not, I still say hello then give a few seconds of silence for her to respond as I have no idea what she is thinking.
She may very well not be interested in conversation. That is the risk you take.

Now what to say next should be prepared by noticing how the environment gives you a talking point , just no cheesy pick up line you read off the net.

How does she look? Comment on that.

Where are you guys? Standing in line for a concert?
I HOPE THEIR FIRST SONG IS .... that will get the crowd going.

Coffee shop ? Should I play it safe or get the iced tea latte and ask the barista to spell out the lottery winner in whipped cream?
( that whipped cream line is an example of how I just think of something witty. I just thought of it now. Once I start talking I find it flows)

The art of approaching women

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